• Member Since 6th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday

Ecko7


T

As Twilight and her friends faced off against Nightmare Moon inside the decrepit castle of the pony sisters deep within the Everfree Forest, The mare in the moon strikes first, defeating the element bearers. In an attempt to finish the job Nightmare freezes in action intent to discover the familiar energy hiding underneath the vale of her first victim. What lies underneath could change the lives of both Nightmare Moon and the pony forever.

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In this Story, Nightmare Moon was not neccassery Evil. Also was Celestia here a thousand years ago not the Pony, as we know her.

I didn't hate Celestia. I really like her! This Story is only an attempt for a Story with a diffrent Past as we know it.

Rated Teen for some......"unprincess" like Words from Nightmare Moon and Celestia, maybe others to^^


New Cover art! Made by happyowl

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 182 )

Interesting idea.
There are a few spots where the grammar looks a little off or it looks like you missed a word, but other than that it looks good.

Not the first time I've read a story based on this concept, but the more the merrier I suppose.

Now, this has quite a few issues. The spelling within the story itself seems fine (not going to get started on the description and spelling of "prologue"), but the grammar is riddled with errors. First of all, nouns don't need to be capitalized, only proper nouns. Second, there's quite a few unnecessary apostrophes. I'm sure there's plenty more (less glaring) errors, but that's what I caught on a skim.

(lots of unnecessary commas, too, now that I look at it a bit closer)

Story seems fine, but you would really use editor help to fix spelling errors and increase quality of this story, despite that, I will give a look into next chapters of this story.

I will need to check over this myself, but until then...

Welcome to the Group!

Your grammar needs alot of work but the story seems interesting enough, I'll keep an eye on it :moustache:

Nightmare Moon: Twilight, I am your father.
Twilight: Wut? :twilightoops:

As others have said, you don't need to capitalize every noun. Also, you keep switching tenses almost at random. If you had an editor or someone who could just proofread your stuff before you publish it it'd really help improve the quality of your story.

You should really go through and edit this, your idea is good but your writing, as it is, leaves something to be desired.

A great take on S1E01, but you may want to do a quick run-through and check the capitalization of some nouns.:twilightblush:

It looks like a good read, though.

The best Prologue I ever read! :) Can't wait the next chapter! Please if you can hurry whit it, because it's really good! :twilightsmile:

I'm more curious why the ponies should care. So there was tyrancy that long ago, now they are in peace, calm lands, and now Nightmare Moon is suddenly shaking up a relatively nice status quo.

This idea ad Execution is wonderful. But the actual Writing needs some major improvement.

Maybe some professional help through an Editor?

so far, so good. As others said before me there is a few issues with grammar but other than that it seems like it could be good. I give you my obligatory like and fav

This is really good, but I seriously suggest you write future chapters and edit this one to be in past tense rather than present. Otherwise it feels a bit like a real shock reading it compared to most stories.

Otherwise very good just fix the tense.

You thought those artifacts would really catch me off guard again? No! I will not let the Elements have a chance of defeating me again!

Try changing one of the "agains" to a different word. Makes the two sentences sound awkward.

elements in turn and she lifted them each of the six unconscious mares.

It feels as if there were parts left out of this sentence.

but no matter how much I'd like that you and your friends are still a threat to my rule

Add a comma between "that" and "you".

should you ever get your Hooves onto the Elements again."

Hooves isn't a proper noun, no need to capitalize it.

raising her right Hoof over Twilight's Head

Ok, every "Head", "Hoof", "Unicorn", "Pony", "Pegasus", and "Skull" do not need to be capitalized unless it is referring to a specific thing; like say skull is someone's name, then it would be capitalized to Skull.

The Jetblack Alicorn raise an eyebrow

Jetblack doesn't need to be capitalized and "raise" should be "raises" since you are speaking in present tense.

She closes her eyes and casts a spell, which allowed her to see, to which Pony this young Mare was related to, all through the Magic of the Pony in question.

This sentence feels like a run on and could be split up to make it flow better.

This can't....how is....that is Impossible!!!

I think the exclamation marks make the capitalizing of "Impossible" superfluous.

She was laying on the Bed in her temporary Library home.

Purple words do not need capitalization. I don't want this to be exceedingly long so I will skip the misplaced capitals.

terrified or confused from the hole new situation

"Whole" (No need to capitalize, that "W" is there out of habit.)

I was curious, how long it would take you, to visit me!

All those commas are unneeded, pauses are usually not at that point in a sentence.

Wait, What?! She is your sister?

I thought this was already a well known faerie tale about the two sisters, unless of coarse, the story is different from the show.

before she take the book away from Pinkie

"Took"

Nightmare spreading her Wing and lower her Horn, which starts to glow.

"wings", "lowering", "began"

And then a bright flash blended her.

"Blinded"

The premise is good, but I have to say that the execution is poor. I am sure if you had a couple good pre-readers and editors comb over this the quality could be improved greatly. I ended up just ignoring all the errors I spotted because this post was going to be long enough as is. I will follow this in hopes of seeing the story improve but I cannot up vote it.

2401579

This is only the Prologue. Maybe I add later some Tags, when I have more Chapters.

You mixed up your tenses. You may need to go back and revise a little.

For example:

Nightmare Moon begins gritting her teeth. ‘This can't be happening!’ The Elements were destroyed, yet here they are, shining in all their glory before her on the necks of the mares before her. Just as the final element appeared she decided on what to do. Attack!

The first and third sentences are in the present tense, while the last one is in the past tense. You need to keep to one or the other, never both*.

My suggestion, keep writing in the past tense.

Example:

Nightmare Moon began gritting her teeth. ‘This can't be happening!’ The Elements were destroyed, yet there they were, shining in all their glory before her on the necks of the mares before her. Just as the final element appeared she decided on what to do. Attack!

* Dialogue is usually exempt from this.

2401758

A note, this appears to be more of moonlight story, not twiluna, might wanna post it there instead of in twiluna.

Good so far, but as other said, the execution is... not perfect to say the least.
Good luck for the following chapters:yay:

A few errors here and there, but over all a good story :twilightsheepish:

If this is the edited version, you need a new editor, but the story itself is good

Good job with the chapter I can't wait for more.

This story, while it has been somewhat done before... has potential.

But please, get a new editor to fix the grammar and sentence structure. I got a headache at a few points trying to read this.:unsuresweetie:

Fix the spelling errors and it will be beter :twilightsmile:

Will continue reading regardless

Okay, so far, good premise, poor execution. The idea seems solid, but the grammar... Although, your spelling seems good, as stated previously, you've capitalized much more than needed and have too many commas. Basically, you only need to capitalize a noun if it is a name of something/someone/somewhere. Also, the easiest way to see if a comma is needed is to read the sentence out load to yourself and see if you take a breath at any point, that is where a comma goes. For example,

When I heard, my Sister had given Birth to a foal, which was an Alicorn, I became so jealous and furios....and one thing lead to another

This reads as "When I heard, (breath) my Sister had given Birth to a foal, (breath) which was an Alicorn, (breath) I became so jealous and furious....and one thing lead to another", when "When I heard my sister had given birth to a foal which was an Alicorn, I became so jealous and furious....and one thing lead to another," Also shows you the capitalization changes and the only spelling error I found.

I really like the premise here. Celestia was evil, but time has changed her. Most stories just pick good or evil. The story behind Nightmare and Twilight is interesting as well. Looking forward to this adventure!

MOST... EPIC... STORY!!!

already faved, please more!!!

:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

Find an editor. The odd capitalization is problematic and breaks the story, but the dialogue also needs work. Good opening premise, but it needs some touch-up yet.

It's a good base to start with however, there are some things that can be done to improve it. First, this is a rather big info dump. My advise is to stretch this out and reveal things a bit more slowly. Pad this chapter with more details about the scene and perhaps have Nightmare and Celestia go into greater detail. Perhaps have them go into a flashback to improve the reader's experience. Remember a picture paints a thousand words, so, a thousand words write a picture. Second, where do you plan on this going? Stories are easier to write if you know where they are going to end. If you already have the ending planned, it will be a simpler matter to move everything from point a to point b.
This is my advise for you. I give this to you because I can see the great potential for this story and want to see it succeed. Use it as you see fit. Oh, and don't forget to have fun while you write it.

I see you have a fascination with the shift key. Not every word needs capitalization you know, just for names of people and places along with the beginning of sentences.

I like it! tis a good story, and interesting plot line!

The way it was written though... I strongly disliked it. Drove me nuts and made it hard to read.

I wouldn't call this an edited version, as there are bundles of weird, minor errors in spelling, and random capitalization.

Your plot is amazing, but I think you have a but of trouble putting your ideas on the page. If you need some help, i'd be more than happy to :twilightsmile:

2396124 Nightmare Moon: ....Mother! I meant to say Mother! Stop Laughing!

2390504I DEMAND MOAR INTERESTING CHAPTERS ON MY DESK ASAP........if that's alright with you:fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch:

Xyn

I've read several Luna is Twilight's mother stories and I like them in general, and as such I find myself curious as to where you're taking this concept.

A few problems that I see are unnecessary capitalisation, for example on

Lavender Wings on Twilights side!

Capitals on "lavender" and "wings" shouldn't really be there. Also, it should be "Twilight's side". For a singular possessive you use an apostrophe. I would recommend finding an editor whose first language is English.

But considering English is your second language, this is pretty well executed and I look forward to seeing how the story, and your writing skills, develop.

Out of curiosity, where are you from and what's your first language?

“Would you like to share a Hug with your mother, my wonderful, little Twilight?”
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdnl8eRfb91rrxhj7.gif

Oh dear...didnt see that one com...well...i did about half way through...but still...
Have a track/favorite/thing.

2411133

German, german is my first language.

2410216

Working on it!

2411621

Means your post like or dislike?:applejackconfused:

2411932 it means im in utter shock and i am intensely interested in more :twilightsmile:

Ok so... as mentioned the grammar needs work.

Stuff like more than 3 periods in suspension points, bad use of exclamation points and capitalization of words that didn't need it.

Felt a bit rushed too.

You really have far too many exclamation points in this story. I would say that, outside of dialogue, the vast majority of the exclamation points used in this story need to be replaced with periods or other appropriate punctuation.

2440737>>2414279>>2411133

All errors I noticed have been fixed. Feel free to read through again if it makes you feel better :rainbowwild:

beautiful bravo bravo i shall fave update this soon please

Let's see where to begin. I will first say that I like the premise of your story and that for having English as a second language you did a fine job with it. Obviously some errors but by and large it was good.

The downside to the story was that this chapter felt very rushed. I know you wanted to get to the big reveal, but the journey to that point just felt very fast. Almost as though I was reading it in bullet points. I.e. This happened, then this happened, followed by that happening. It just needs a little bit better pacing.

Another thing that would be good would be to delve into the reactions of the characters a little deeper. Like what the rest of the mane six felt when twilight was teleported out, or how pinkie felt being stuck in the building with Luna.

Heck you could even delve into the feelings of celestia as she recounts some of the things she has done. Or have small flashbacks to some of the major things she did including the why.

Typed this all on my phone so I am sorry if there are typos etc.

Keep up the hood work I hope to read more from you as the best way to get better is practice. Keep up the good work :twilightsmile:

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