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Luna has had enough of Canterlot, with its scheming sisters and impossible expectations.
Her solution?
Board a train, with no ticket but the wind in her mane.
Thanks to Skeeter the Lurker for pre-reading.
Cover art used with the permission of the artist grayma1k.
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I like it, keep on writing ^^
3089857
Thank you, it means a lot
10/10 for 1000 words.
I like this. I can't help but wonder what Luna will do with her new-found freedom...
Anypony can be ascended, giving the proper requisites?
Hmmwell. This was... this was something, actually. And not for the reasons I'd anticipated.
As per usual, perfect grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Evenly spaced paragraphs that kept my eyes from rolling away in terror. And an extra bonus for characterizations (especially in Celestia's part. That made me smile). And it seems you have taken an inkling to 'inner-conlict'. Which means we can expect more heart-wrenching stuff from you.
You and all your pearple nonsense.
There are two things that... Well, I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. As I read through, I detected an 'abstract' approach to your narration. Everything was obscured, yet so vividly clear. The events were shrouded and layered, yet hinted in the most deliciously taunting way. There were a number of possibilities that resulted during your tale's climax. And that, my good sir, is what kept me locked in.
Understand that most abstract narration turns me away on the first or (if they're lucky) second paragraph, because of HORRID execution. Then there's this. Had you not laid the situation so avidly, so straightforwardly, it may have doomed itself. This wasn't the case. Instead we've been graced with a provocative oneshot, open to excruciating amounts of interpretation.
Why does Luna feel it so imperative to leave? Why did she feel so obligated to tell her subjects the truth. What WAS the truth? Why was Twilight crying? Why was Celestia so ashamed and defeated, she couldn't chase after her more than she had? Why is it that Doridos are, have been, and always will be the meaning of life?
All these questions, and more, haunted me as this tale drew to a close. But along with it came emptiness. Personally, I'd love a paragraph of foreshadowing at the end; perhaps an epilogue of what she'd gotten herself into, and what was in store as a 'new mare'. That would have sealed it for me in the best way.
All the same, this received a like from me.
Craine...
PS: Yes... Yes, I was eating Doridos as I read.
3090783
That made me laugh more than it should have.
Anyway, thanks for the overwhelming review. How is it you can see these things in my writing and I can't?
Hmm... an epilogue, eh? Intriguing...
3090799
troll.me/images/ancient-aliens-guy/perspective.jpg
The same thing happens to EVERYBODY. A different perspective puts everything into a different light, or better or for worse.
Now, about this epilogue...
3090799
Well as long as your entertaining the idea I figure I might as well throw my two cents in.
I find myself interested in where she will find herself in ten, twenty, or even fifty years down the road, and not where she immediately finds herself at the end of the train ride. To me it feels like she is starting a new chapter in her life and I am mostly interested to see where it took her. Does she come crawling back Celestia? Did she find a new life beyond the borders of Equestria, and if so what kind of like did she find? Did she live a humble life and start her own family or did she start another country? Are any of my guesses even coming close to what she did? These questions are what fascinate me.
Long story short. I look forward to the destination she arrives more than the journey it took to get there.
That's my two cents for what's it's worth.
If you where to make a story of lunss future adventures alot of people would read it....just a suggestion
3090799Im enjoying it keep up the great work man.
This.
All of the unspoken possibilities.
I like this.
3090031
What about the other 464?
I would love to see a epilogue but as someone already said it shouldn't be set in the immediate future but a few years down the track.
3092396 3090957 3090783
So yeah, I've got an idea for a short epilogue, and I'll probably have it out soon enough.
Stay tuned.
3092717
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/medium/000/011/065/YES%20MEME.JPG
Interesting
Well that certaintly wasn't what I was expecting and I'm sure that this gave me more questions then it answered but if you dont write any more of this i will still be happy because short as it may be it was still written fantastic and made me want for more.
3093109
Hehehe, did you really think I would write something that would explain anything?
Seriously though, I'm glad you liked it. I like this story the way it is, and I feel that explaining what happened in the interim would take away the magic of it, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for reading!
Curious end.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Hmm. A curious end, indeed. A satisfying one at that. I was impressed that, in so little words, you've captured Celestia's hopelessness, at least so the ending made more sense. Quite a tragic way to pass the torch, I think; with Twilight wearing Celestia's mantle, it must've been rough to let go.
My ONLY qualm with this is the lack of detail involving Twilight's influence on our little technicolor meat bags... Ah well.
Until you next piece!
Craine...
3093126 I compleatley understand where your coming from and that it was just a pipe dream to think otherwise.
Thank you for writing this.
3092117
Nobody cares about the other 464. That was clearly just filler.
I was looking at your userpage and the premise of this story interested me, so I took a look.
Your writing has improved a lot since I reviewed your story in SFNW. There's a whole lot less of that huge purple prose problem you had, and the writing in general is better. Though I did notice a few things like the fact that you didn't describe anything about Luna's surroundings while riding the train. Yeah, we know she's going over land, but we don't know if it's forest or plains or by a lake; maybe even through mountains. This is a missed opportunity to give the reader a good mental image.
But that wasn't a serious problem. It had little impact on the story itself. And most of the other errors were the same, though you tense-swapped at one point. ("But who knows?" is present tense. The story is in past tense so it should be "knew".)
On the whole, it did its job as a very suggestive fic - and not in the sexual sense. It was easy to make a lot of inferences based on what information there was. And that's the essence of showing instead of telling: allowing the reader to make a lot of easy inferences that they nevertheless feel clever for having made. Yeah, that's something a lot of people don't know. Showing instead of telling is very important for characters and sometimes things that happen offscreen, and can even apply to plot points.
And dat epilogue ending. Though I don't know what anyone's talking about; I thought it wasn't confusing at all. It didn't explain much, but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened.
Anyway, you're improving, so just keep up the writing!
3117726
Oh, thank you!
Good to know that I've improved since then, and thanks for the insight.
3167663
Thankies
intriguing story. it makes me wonder what Luna really did? What did Twilight do? what happened to Canterlot? and yet, it didn't matter to the story. this whole thing was about Celestia and luna in the end. I must say, it was good. a sort of...magic around it.
The concept was pretty clear--I enjoyed trying to discover everything that had occurred and piecing it all together. It wasn't dense so as to cause one to become over-encumbered and uninterested, and it wasn't simple enough to be a straight-on tale. It had that sense of poetry, in a way, from how it was portrayed. Stories like this can be analyzed from different angles, and that gives it a stronger feel because of it.
But it has no substance as a story. It tells you, vaguely, of Luna running away with snippets of information that turn out to be useless in the grand scheme of things--catharsis is not felt when she leaves, and the whole scenario feels forced and unwarranted. The ambiguous parts of the story aren't executed as well as they could have been, like when Celestia had left towards the end and was cut off rather quickly by Luna leaving. I understand the reason for this, but it still leaves it void of actual feeling and turns the thing into a shell of what it's supposed to be.
That first chapter read like it would be the start of a big and epic adventure story, with long journeys, great battles, deep moral questions, and lots of character development. Seeing that the second chapter was called "Epilogue" was... disappointing.
What is it that Luna did wrong?
*Applauds softly* That it made you happy to craft is what truly matters.
Interesting and by turns touchingly sad. Well done.
I loved how you pared away from this story until the only thing left were the central emotions. I think every aspiring writer on this site should read this short to learn what is the true core of a story. It reminds me of one of the shortest (and famous) short stories ever.
For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.
3834310
Big fan of your stories by the way. I'm glad you liked mine too.
3834527
My pleasure. I try to make time to read stories by those who fav one of my stories or follow me. It show that they have good taste.
I appreciated your comments as well. Relatively few people have read TIHWSfF and it means a lot to me that those that have seem to really like it.
Well done, though I wouldn't mind if it had more explanations.
Edit:
A-OK now.
3840197
Thanks for the read :3
And good catch. Fixed.
To Author's Note: if your are just writing this cus you like it, then other s will too, including me!
Quite the fun read. Glad I decided to read it, and of course thanks for writing it.
This is almost a doodle of a story, but I loved the imagery you used, and the emotions come through nice and clear.
You can has review!