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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A pretty happy chapter, I wonder when the Dark tag will come into play again.. Maybe when the other ponies find out that he can communicate just fine, that could go bad quickly.
Interesting chapter. Wait so if the darker sections are the hoof language then why would they use it around other ponies who are paying attention to Twilight and Max? I feel like that could be a recipe for disaster.
Okay, positives first. After chapter after chapter of repressive, boot stomping on a human face depressing chapters, it turned brighter and cheery, and Twilight starts treating him like a real person. Good.
But seriously? They can't swim? There's never been any humans living around water? Really? REALLY? And how are they not able to talk? The cows here can talk. All other animals seem to have a degree of sentience. Fluttershy's BUNNY is smart enough to read. Why can't humans?
And no, dude, you're not home. It cannot ever really BE your home. Your species are dumber than cows in this world and are treated as such and even NEUTERED! If anybody else finds out about you you could very well get dissected! Or treated as some monstrous freak! You should be trying to figure out how you GOT to Equestria to begin with and trying to find a way home. That's the most logical idea.
As expected, well done.
3055641 It will be more interesting, when they meet a Pony that can "understand" him.
3055793 i agree so excited!!
3055653
The "humans can't swim" scene was clearly inspired by a similar scene from Xenophilia. The basic premise being that the vast majority of great apes actually can't swim in the wild either (although they can be taught in captivity), which is where the ponies got their scare from in that story. Twilight had thought that since apes had only ever been observed drowning in bodies of water, so would Lero.
The author could have done a bit more establish the reason why humans can't swim in this story's universe, but I did enjoy the little nod to Xeno.
As for you, Mister MadMax... don't forget the differences in physiology between ponies and humans. By that, I mean you seem to have forgotten all about what should, by all rights, be a very major aspect of their body-language and communication: their large, mobile, and expressive ears.
Although I did enjoy the attempt at world-building with the hoof-talk... in all honesty that's extremely impractical for a species that uses its two front hooves to walk. It's far more likely that they'd use their ears in a series of signals, somewhat like the US Navy's own system. Considering their tails seem to be at least partially prehensile, they might even incorporate that, too, along with some hoof-stomps.
The story itself is developing nicely... though I question if our main character isn't starting to become somewhat affected by a strong case of Stockholm Syndrome. You set up a seemingly idyllic situation here that I suspect you're going to shatter fairly soon.
3055628
Got a feeling it'll kick back in when the Rarity subplot picks up again.
oohh isn't Dashie cute? I'm intrigued to see how max and dash's relationship progresses
3056838
Since, according to the author, the balls being chopped off was a 5 (on a scale of 10) and the 7 being how gore-y it will be; one can assume that a 7 would be a loss of a limb (maybe one that would impede his "speech").
Does this sound about right?
3055653 Given severe mistreatment over an extended period of time, it's not unreasonable to expect someone to cling to the first comforting presence (that, or to develop some form of paranoia). Although the world around Max is awful, the library provides a place of shelter from almost all of that, and could thus be thought of as "home", although these thoughts are unlikely to last once his desire for freedom grows beyond what Twilight can provide.
3056812 Eeyup. Stockholm syndrome incoming, if it's not there already (worried about your jailer's feelings? Might be a symptom).
3056686 3055793 You guys aren't looking at my chapter plans...are you?
3056812 Most of what the humans of Equestria are is part of the main plot itself. I hope that by the end of this story (which this is barely the beginning) most questions will be answered.
As for the hoof language, I tried my best to explain it, but it's a difficult concept. It's basically based off of using the front two hooves for the signals and stomping the back two hooves for the 'beats', and it is designed so that you can use it while walking.
3057472
Uh, actually my guess involved less dismemberment and more traumatic past. Like either Rarity was attacked by humans when she was younger, or she personally witnessed humans attacking Sweetie Belle or somepony else close to her.
3057676
See... that description makes more sense. You probably should have just gone with that.
I still maintain, however, that ear positioning must play a huge part in pony body-language, and probably feature in whatever sign language they come up with.
After all... the primary reason for coming up with a sign language is so that you can communicate without having to make any sound. Usually with people (or, in this case ponies) who are born or become deaf.
Although I suppose that hoof-language could be their version of Morse Code... or something. Anyway, don't mind the armchair speculation. Do carry on as you will.
3058142 I don't mind people picking apart the story. It helps me grow as a story teller.
Hum, it would seem that there are a great deal of Ponies that uses human for a diffrent kind of "physical" labor.
3057637 äähhh... no?
There's a lot of flaws, mostly plot related things that exist 'just because' with no reason or explanation. The whole Planet of the Apes shtick is what bugs me the most to be honest. In that movie, there was an actual reason, but here, we're supposed to just be fine that it's magic and move on. Yeah, can't really do that. Need a reason, and after these chapters, there still aren't any given. Obviously as time goes on, more ponies will be exposed to his intelligence, for now it's just Twilight and Spike. Eh.
Too tired to keep on going, breezed through it around 2am. Not bad, but nothing amazing either.
3059682 I'm sorry that it's not holding up to your expectations. As for you needing some kind of "explanation"...we haven't even gotten to the part where we get to scream "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!". You can't expect some major plot explanation at the beginning of the story. How would a story like The Sixth Sense turn out if Bruce Willis found out he was dead at the beginning?
3060389
Eh, I've always been a big fan of something so major having some sort of basis. Even though I disliked Planet of the Apes for the most part, they at least had the injury as the upfront explanation, so one was able to go 'Oh, okay' and move on and focus on the rest of what was going on. Here, it's something I'm still trying to figure out. That's all.
And, I really didn't have any expectations going into this. The vote ratio I tossed out the window, what with you going so AU to have subpar-semi-intelligent humans underneath ponies as slaves. That alone skews your vote ratio so I didn't really quite know what I was getting into, so I didn't set a bar anywhere. It's definitely something unique though, and I'm assuming Planet of the Apes had some influence when you had this idea.
Beyond that, I'm still keeping my eye on it though. The bulk of what I'm going to be looking at is the interaction and relation with Twi and him, that seems to be the primary focus, although that'll probably expand really soon. At least once the rest of them are clued in as to just how intelligent he really is. Rarity obviously has some sort of history that's going to play a plot point, and I'm fairly certain we haven't seen the last of Celestia either. Then, you also have the romance tag, which given the focus of the story would seem to be Twi and him, given time. It's interesting, and has my attention just off that fact alone.
If that were me, and Rarity was acting like that I would reveal my intelligence by going up to her and saying: "Ma'am, I am truly shocked and disgusted at your unkindly treatment and opinion of my species."
3058142 Ponies that burst into a spontaneous musical number for ANYTHING have a way to communicate that involves rhythmic tapping and sounds...Coincidence?
I predict that Rarity knows hoof-language.
Rule 34 of living with Twilight: Never ask for an exotic novel from Twilight. NO EXCEPTIONS!
So what are the other rules of living with twilight?
3062731
Hehehehehe.... you just gave me a killer idea for my spinnoff of this... hehehehehe....
IT sucks that that will have to wait for quite a few chapters before it will be able to be used.
*actually
You did the present tense thing again. There was one other place near the end where you slipped for just one sentence, but I forgot to mark it......
3057381 No surprise there
For some reason, I had a mental image of Darth Vader demanding the plans to the Death Star in 'hoof language' with English subtitles!
(I have an overactive imagination...)
Okay, I will tentatively retract my comment a few chapters prior. I suppose I'll read through the the next chunk and make my decision whether or not I'm going to stick with this. I think that communication was key in this situation, and the mirror scene didn't hurt. I only wish that they were a bit earlier on, that way it's not as frustrating for the readers. Also, a bunch of small errors... Mostly nitpicky tenses and stuff, but there are some weird typos... So far, this story has redeemed itself.
This is so awesome!
I said to myself "One more chapter" seven chapters ago
3055653 Also most cliche and unoriginal idea ever used. Gotta mix up the routine sometimes.
sweet chapter
One thing is bugging me. Humans in this Equestria are just animals. Not even primitive, just critters. So....why ponies have hots for them? So many apparently. I know that they are some ladies who like to be screwed by their dogs but it's rare thing I suppose.... ponies though, many of them not only have visible hots but they are using humans(like the ones in the train, though they disgust me....come on, some dirty, animal, screwing you is suppose to be pleasant?)
3822860 have you seen the mare to stallion ratio in the show? It's something like 5:1 so it doesn't really surprise me...
3731395 I agree. And you should keep it alive as long as possible.
funny... we did that in the middle ages as well. Coincidence?
Such a sweet story.
3857735 I lulzzs
Awk, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, bah ha ha ha. Brilliant stuff, bonding is always good, unless you're using the sexual term for it...
He was surprisingly eager to go to the beach considering his recent experience with hot sand and hot sun. The beach is nice, though.
back home most humans can actually swim very well
Well, I think it would be better to say that swimming is common, and the vast majority of humans can at least stay afloat. I think "swimming very well" would probably be a significant exaggeration. HOWEVER, I can well believe your character saying this even though I doubt its accuracy.
i'm liking this story so far, keep it up
You know I don't need to sleep or anything
4126423 yes being a brony makes you need no sleep
Being in the water would cause problems for pony sign language. There would be nothing to stomp on to make noise, and depending on the clearness of the water, it might be difficult to see motions with the legs.
In time young padawan...
3059682 TL/DR VERSION AT BOTTOM
"we're supposed to just be fine that it's magic and move on. Yeah, can't really do that." Now, I do agree with you that there needs to be some kind of reason for him ending up here, but I thing that Celestia's comments eluded to some purpose for him being brought here that just hasn't been mentioned yet. The same might be true of the dreams.
You could be right about there being no reason though. Maybe I just went in with too high of expectations.
Magic is canon in MLP. If something powerful enough had sufficient motivation, why couldn't it bring a being from another world to Equestria? Now, I don't know for sure why he's there yet, but my two main theories are
A: Something wanting to cause chaos (or that needs chaos) decided to bring a member of a naturally discordant alien race to Equestria. Though, it could be for some other reason that's less discordesque... discordy? Discordesque.
B: Ever since equestria girls, magical portals between worlds are canon. We don't know where they come from though. They might be pony made or they might be a product of some ambient magic in Equestria (ambient "background magic" being a commonly featured concept in these types of fanfics). Maybe somepony or something was trying to open a portal, but the spell was cast incorrectly. Going with the theory that the portals are a natural occurence (not unlike the ideas about subterrainian portals proposed to exist by a cult I briefly looked into joining that was based on a combination of obscure math, cold war era psudo-science, biochemistry and a few dead religions. They believed that all stones were conscious creatures that could be communicated with through various rituals and that each stone posessed psychic powers, but I digress), the portals could be highly unstable and fall apart quickly (much like wormholes in real life) without something artificially holding it open (which unfortunately doesn't work with wormholes :( )
Of course, I've considered other possibilities. Those are just the main ones from which most (though not all) of the others branched out... I wonder if you're actually going to read this... I'll be really pleased if someone does read all of this so please reply if you do.
TL/DR: I agree with you, but I haven't given up hope that he has some kind of reason in mind. I've only ever Joined one cult in my life and I'm not making that mistake again, but one of them I almost joined gave me an idea. Of course, my grandfather maintains that the time I spent as a mormon also counts as joining a cult. Though I'm no longer associated with the mormon church, I still respect individual members and believe that it's just as legitimate a church as Islam or Catholicism... The point is that it might be worth it to keep reading the story.
I need to work on trailing off...
4282115 Ooo, wormholes. Im already hooked. Idk, Im fine with accepting shoestring plot devices so long as they go somewhere. Seeing as this is going to go somewhere, Im happy to read on.
PM me about this crazy cult. It sounds like an interesting story.