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Title: Street Dreams
Author: TheBronyRacer
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 4
So this is your first fic? You need an editor. There is at least serious grammatical error in nearly every single paragraph.That alone is all this story needs to be failed on technical grounds. Unfortunately, the plot and characters are also a disorganized mess. You're trying something with a love triangle, personal loss, manipulation, and ethical dillemas, but it doesn't quite work. Your writing on the whole just needs a lot of work and a highly skilled editor. Keep at it, you've got nowhere to go but up.
Title: Street Dreams: Between the Streets and the Sky
Author: TheBronyRacer
Read: 100% (6K)
Decision: Reject
Score: 5
Alright, this is significantly better than the original. You having an editor is helping massively, but you have yet miles to go. The fic is much more coherrent this time, but there are still prevalent grammatical issues and problems with rough prose. I'm not sure if this is a sequel to the original or not. On one hand, the mom is miraculously alive. On the other hand, no mention of the previous fic and the protagonist goes to Crystal Prep. Either way, you have some very ripe opportunities ahead with the whole Friendship Games thing. I can't really say too much because there is so little story yet written and I would rather not be presumptuous. Once you've gotten out at least a few more chapters, feel free to send it back in for a second appraisal.
Title: Chasing Rainbows
Author: Gallifrey
Reviewer: Milo Chalks
Verdict: 4/10 - Reject
Firstly, thank you. For putting a genre of fic in the cafe so under-represented and under appreciated that it hardly gets any love. I personally understand the struggle of writing MxM romance and gaining attention so for just being a writer in this genre and having the stones to get it reviewed, kudos to you, it isn’t easy and you get so much respect from me. Please keep writing and getting it reviewed, it all helps to make our little community that much better.
Ahem… now that is over, let’s get into the review. I had fun with this fic at times, it was cute and fluffy with a hint of sweet. But there is one thing about this fic that really extends over everything that I have to say, that is, more. You had a solid plot arch that followed a pretty standard pathway throughout the entire fic, I kind of predicted stuff to happen, not that there is anything wrong with that. But what was wrong was the word count. As soon as I saw what you were doing, I wondered how on earth you could cover everything in about 20k words or so. Sadly you didn’t. This plot seemed more like something that could have easily stretched 80k at minimum. In order to create what you were trying to create, you needed to go into so much more length. We start off with Blitz admitting his love for Dusk in the first scene. The very first scene! This wasn’t impactful, because we don’t know Blitz or Dusk yet. Characterisation is so important in romance because you need characters that people can love and connect to in order to create real emotion when something happens to them.
You really need to drag out the time and distance between the major plot points, it was just twist after twist and by the end you felt motion sick. We meet blitz and he admits his love, then gets rejected, goes to applejack, applejack turns into main antagonist and then his cronies beat him up in the bar. This happens in the first chapter! The very first chapter. These events could have spanded over about five to eight chapters. Add conflict, add character progression, maybe elude to Blitz’s love for Dusk initially instead of flat out telling us. You can let the reader to the math, it turns out very tell-y if you just give out the information. Show us how he loves him so much, give us character. The characters sadly lack because of just a rapid-fire of movement and exposition. We don’t really know what Blitz is like, who he really is. This is rule 63 AND romance so it really needs a lot more character development.
As for dialogue, get creative! I think every dialogue piece ended with ‘said the bookish stallion’ or ‘the rainbow stallion replied’ or ‘the party pony yelled’. There is so much you can do here, create some action and finish the sentence on an action, the audience knows who is talking and it doesn’t stagnate the pacing.
Instead of saying something like: “Hey Dusk, uhh, sorry about crashing into the tree,” Blitz bashfully replied.
Try saying something like this: “Hey Dusk, uhh, sorry about crashing into the tree,” Blitz made a weak attempt at hiding the blush from Dusk’s annoyed glare, shuffling his hoofs awkwardly and looking down in an attempt to escape from the feeling of intense eyes directed straight into his own.
It just adds more depth and personality to what they are saying. Making it more interesting, describes the scene more and just creates much more dynamic scene work.
I think this fic has a great premise and personally I enjoyed reading it. Massive kudos for posting such a minority fic in the reviewers cafe, it was much a sight for sore eyes and please keep posting. Unfortunately I cannot pass it based on the fundamental flaws it possesses, but that is what we are all about. Helping everyone improve and get better and make this site truly fantastic. I sincerely hope that you keep on writing (you’ve already got a new follower) and improving, I look forward to your next post on the cafe!
-Milo Chalks
Title: Fading Suns: A New World by David Silver
Amount Read: 100%
Verdict: 8/10, recommended for
Reasoning:
This story was a pleasure to read. Though it began to drag a little towards the end, the writing was mostly a very unique and engaging take on the overdone human-in-Equestria trope. It was all very good with no grammatical flaws that I noticed and well written, believable representations of the show characters. Despite being a crossover it didn't take much work for a reader who doesn't know the material to follow what was going on and learn the new lore, though this could have been improved in early chapters with a little more explanation. Laud's learning of the Equestrian language so quickly was a little disappointing since he really grasped it too quickly to be believable—especially when one considers he is making nickers, whinnies and snorts like a horse—but other than that, all of his actions seemed relatively believable. All in all, this was an enjoyable fic with a decently constructed plot.
Title: Displaced into Nothing
Author: RocketRaccoon
Plot: 9/10
Characters: 5/10
Structure: 8/10
Grammar: 9/10
Mechanics: 6/10
Total: 37/50 = 7/10 Failed upon second opinion (Second was provided by this upstanding feller Fume)
Me: Guess whos back! Back again! Yes he’s back! With a- smack OW!
Other Guy: NO! None of that! Shame on you!
Me: ...bitch…
Anyway, yeah! Look who came back after months upon months of shying away from reviews. It feels good to be back on this thread, man… sniffles So many memories
Other Guy: You gonna get to the review, or are you gonna keep fapping to your reminiscence?
Me: You, I did not miss.
Plot
So, the plot of Displaced Into Nothing starts on Earth with a human character by the name of Marilyn Susanna
Other Guy: Nope! Leaves
Me: Where are you going?
Other Guy: Look at the character’s name, genius.
Me: Marilyn Susana… Oh… OH! GODDAMNIT!
I would make a mary sue joke but I see that the story right slapped me in the face with that one… So, she’s an outcast in the regular world, but she is extremely adept in the occult and thaumic ways of our dimension. So adept that a random mage appears before her and deconstructs her to her base components and transports her to Equestrian space or something like that, where she is found by Twilight or whoever the hell was chilling in Equestrian orbit. Bet it was this guy.
She’s held in a containment chamber as nothing but scattered information while Twilight studies her. While being studied she starts to pull herself together until she forms intoa pony aptly named, Meta (since she’s meta-physical being composed of magic energy or information rather than flesh and blood)
Phone rings
Me: Hello?
Other Guy: NOPE! Hangs up
Ugh, anyway. This is where this story gets the nerd in me all excited! I try to learn as much as I can about our universe, and seeing that this author not only touched on composition of information which can be read in the information paradox, made me all giddy. Basically, you I and the computer, tablet, or phone you’re reading this on are composed of matter, which can also be spoken of as information. You rearrange your information, I can change you into a car, a plane, or that dakimakura you hide in the closet. The author plays beautifully with this concept, which brings me into the category I want to talk about next.
Grammar
This isn’t the best written thing I’ve ever read, but the author does do one hell of a job filling your head with exactly what’s going on in every scene. From subtle movements to sound and sight, like here
There aren’t any fancy words that make you want to crack open a dictionary, but it gets its point across very well. There are several problems with this though, and it was pointed out when I was speaking with Fume, the guy who helped me give the final score. In the grandiose descriptive segments, it just may become stale for most who don’t feel like reading eight thousand words of a closeted wizard creating her new self from a diffuse nebula of thoughts, memories and emotions. For me, I actually quite liked it, a lot even. It reminded me of reading up on how a star is formed.
Enough praise though, cause there were a few things about this story that irked the hell out of me. Most notable were all of the goddamn ellipseses… ellipsis’? FUCK! Been months and I still can’t get that plural! And it’s jarring because of how well the descriptive segments are, the dialogue falls flat… on its face.
Like my goodness! Periods work just as well! But since I’ve shown you this, we move into the next and weakest category of this story.
Characters
You wanna see two scientists basically giving each other lip service? Look no further than this story. Meta isn’t particularly interesting or relatable. She just feels like that one generic nerdy character that used to annoy you when you were a kid because all they did was spout smarty pants jargon and explain every little thing that they’re doing. I know I said I loved the descriptive segments, but when meta spoke I couldn't shake this pretentious stank.
Granted this was before she pulled more of herself together along with her emotions, but just look at how “intelligent” that’s supposed to be. Speaking like Spock doesn’t mean that you’re smart and, to be honest, it’s really awkward to read. Her dialogue only improves slightly as she begins to regain her emotions, but she still talks with that, “I’m smarter than you, and I know it” kind of tone, you know?
Twilight does an entire flip flop from the second to third chapter, at first letting her curiosity consume her to the point that she wants to let meta out when she is complete. A reasonably frightened Spike talks her out of it. We go to the third chapter after the talk, and now Twilight simply want to keep her caged so she can’t hurt anyone per her dragon’s request. Twily is a curious character at heart and she will almost always go with her scientific instinct until shit hits the fan. This isn’t an affront on her character, but the contrast between chapters was a little odd. And she kind of backs me up when she’s having a logical debate with Meta on letting her out.
The Twilight I know would have let you out then fucking panic when you absorb matter. Then she’d proceed to slap you with a rainbow laser. #magicoffriendshipftw
In short, the way the character speak, how they interact, and how they’re represented are the weakest aspect.
Structure and Mechanics
Not sure how you can go wrong with structure. This story isn’t yet completed from my knowledge and is still in the process of going through revisions, so that score will stay for now. Mechanics basically ties in with grammar, but I’m going to focus on prose right now. Feeeeeeels like I’m reading a scientific journal, in a way. The beefy description almost makes up for the lack of words that really catch your attention. You can only use “spellform” and “thaumic” so many times before I begin to look for more interesting “wow” words sprinkled in there. Quite honestly, I was able to read this with very little issue because I was interested in the workings of how the author represents information, but to anyone who doesn’t know what information is, or who doesn’t care about what makes you a real living thing made up of trillions of dead things. Then this story may be like watching paint dry.
Conclusion
I like this story. There’s a overused idea in pony fanfiction behind it, but the way that it’s twisted makes it a very interesting read. I can quite honestly say that this story definitely is one of the more unique ones I’ve seen on this site in a very long time. The sad thing that a good concept usually falls flat in the execution. The stale prose, the DAMN ellipses, and lack of investment in the characters pulls you out of it sadly.
I hope you all liked my comeback review, cause there are plenty more on the way
Title: The Morning After
Author: OkemosBrony
Amount read: 100%
Verdict: 5.5/10
The morning after is a good little read if you are after some interesting plot development in the world of two different, yet interesting characters to thrust together. It’s interesting seeing this new relationship between not only the characters as themselves but professionally seeing a teacher as a fish out of water. I did love this whole side of the fic. The grammar was solid and the prose was nice. But the key thing about this fic was the fact that I didn’t quite understand what direction you wanted to take this. Was it a story about the importance of teachers? Was it about maybe bringing awareness to teacher’s lives out of school? Was it a comment on the effect of domestic issues on children? The whole message of this fic was lost or spread too thin between different all of the different ideas it was trying to produce. You either need more word count and further exploration of these issues, or you need to try to tackle a single larger one with a lot more result and active conclusion, and a lot more power and direction in the way it is pushed.
I feel as if you have also set up this whole interesting scenario (which was very interesting and I loved seeing where it led) and then it kind of ending on this preachy speech from Cherilee and roll credits. It could have been implemented better, maybe instead of one block of ‘you can always come to me and domestic abuse isn’t fair’, and rather broken it up, given Silver Spoon more dialogue or more lead in the conversation. I feel like Cherilee would have encouraged that from her anyway. You played this fic very safe, and as a result, I didn’t find it extremely amazing or out there. I feel like you could have really pushed an interesting message about teachers or child neglect, but it just kind of lead to nowhere. Fantastic build-up however and if the climax of the story was executed with a little more of a singular direction and with more action in how it is carried out and where it leads to, this most certainly would be a very fantastic piece.
-Milo
Title: Oh The Choices by Jarvy Jared
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:
“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”
Me trying to be deep (emphasis on trying) aside, I don’t really feel like this story was executed as well as it could be.
To start, I suppose I should give the writer a pat on the back for tackling such an open-ended prompt, which really would strain the creative muscles to make something that makes sense.
Unfortunately, while it does make sense and is adapted into actually a very good discussion of Twilight and the dynamics of power, it’s a little too in your face about it. Twilight’s section was written very well, and it was an exposition-heavy part that didn’t get dry and repetitive. She was characterized well, and the connections she was making were logical, if a bit out there. And as Discord pointed out, her overthinking is reinforced by Celestia placing such a burden of leadership on her.
But with many things, subtlety is key. This story lacks in that department, and that’s the reason for its rejection.
There’s a good story and good writing here, and then all the parts that were making me think were just flat out stated, and rather matter-of-factly. I would have loved to see more of Twilight trying to deduce what was going on and reach a choice, but just as I thought it was getting really interesting, it cuts to Discord who calls the whole thing off and just explains the test.
I thought this story had potential, but for not continuing with it and being too straightforward with a very intricate topic, I am rejecting it.
Title: Home by RBDash47
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6.5/10)
Reason:
Let me preface this by saying my computer was being fixed as I wrote this so it was all done via phone; if autocorrect didn’t pick up something (or picked up the wrong thing) and I make no sense, please tell me and I will clarify it for you.
This is a very short review, because I have very little to say about the story: it doesn’t do enough with its premise. It’s a wonderful story, taking in a believable premise and presenting a story of Applejack thinking about her mother in a way that the fandom hasn’t done to death. But there’s just not enough of it. There’s a lot of bulidup and then some stuff that comes after, but the heart and soul of this story get buried. I did read the background on the story you provided, and I was moved that you’d use the show to express something that must be a very difficult topic to speak about (my grandmother died in the 1970s and my father still tears up when he talks about her). But you’ve gone through that, you’ve experienced things that truly nobody else has felt because nobody else has been in your exact situation, and I didn’t feel as though much of that came through. At least, nothing above and beyond what someone who hasn’t gone through that can write.
To summarize, this story has a very good premise and has a lot of potential for strength, but is too short and doesn’t allow much time for those feelings to ferment and gain any power. For that reason, I am rejecting this fic.
Title: The Gift of Hearth's Warming by Brony250
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5/10)
Reason:
I met a man who lives in Tennessee…I thought this was a nice little story, but ultimately, I feel like its strength went down the closer you get to the end.
To start, something that’s prevalent all throughout: the choice of 3rd person present. It’s an interesting choice, seeing as I think it’s the second story ever on this site I’ve seen written in that style (and unlike the last one, I didn’t quit after 3 paragraphs because it made my eyes want to bleed). It was readable, but it doesn’t add anything to the story. It’s pretty basic prose, just sort of describing what’s happening and not really doing much else with it. It didn’t draw me in and engage me, and it was basically just the blueprint of a scene, not a scene itself.
Next, I feel like there was a lack of distinctness from the different scenes. I finished reading this maybe 5 or 10 minutes ago, and I can’t really tell you much in the way of details. Every scene kinda boils down to the same basic plot: Apple Bloom involves Twilight in something. Twilight says she doesn’t want to impose. Applejack tells her she’s not. The point is hit home well enough, but that’s really all the different scenes seem to do. There isn’t a ton in the way of storytelling, just repetition of the main point.
After Twilight spends the day with the Apples, we get a big scene at the end where Big Mac has gathered nearly every pony she knows in Equestria to show her how much she’s appreciated, leaving me with one question: how? Equestria is by no means a small place, and he seems to have traveled across the entire country many times over to gather them, all in the course of a few hours (as well as gathering non-Equestrians like Ember and Thorax). Rainbow Dash also helped him by keeping the weather calm so he could do it, leading me to wonder why nobody thought of that earlier to be able to come into Ponyville to see Twilight. Since weather in Equestria is controlled, it then brings up the question of why they would schedule such inclement weather so close to Hearth’s Warming, especially if apparently the whole country was going to Ponyville to separate.
Finally, the end. I thought it had a bit of strength throughout most of it, showing Twilight be taken in by the Apple family because she had nowhere to go on Hearth’s Warming and showing her that she is indeed appreciated by those around her. But then we get the scene with everypony else, virtually everypony that’s ever had any part in the show, which I think almost undoes a lot of that. I saw something in this story with Twilight and the Apples, where she’s sharing intimate moments with those close to her because she has nowhere else to go. She was beginning to even see them as another family of her own, but then adding everybody else in I feel undermines that message. Instead of showing an incredibly deep, intimate, loving relationship between Twilight and those in her life, it then just turns into showing the quantity of her relationships, not the quality.
This story isn’t really poorly written and it’s something I would have come to expect from the show, but as I’ve mentioned in the preceding paragraphs, I think it had some key flaws. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.
Title: Pinkie Anonymous by Daemon McRae
Amount Read: 100%
Verdict: 6/10, against
Reasoning:
This was a wonderful little fic with a lovely take on the secret Pinkies idea. Every briefly mentioned character was given their own well established personality and backstory. The plot was simple and didn't really go anywhere, but that wasn't an issue in itself; it was a gentle, lighthearted and easy read.
However I must sadly reject this fic for one reason alone, and that is that there are simply too many small typos littered throughout which, though not frequent enough to disrupt the reading, drag down the quality to just below the acceptable level for the stories in this group's library. If I could score this fic with decimals, this would be 6.9 recurring. So close... just not quite there.
Title: Still Ponnequin by Princess Amore Dudette
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Accept (8.5/10)
Reason:
OkemosBrony has accepted a fic? Light the beacons!
I always start with negatives, and that section’s going to be pretty short for this. There aren’t really many big flaws I can point to, just a few little ones: capitalization following a colon is incorrect (you only do so if what follows is a complete sentence, and even then I personally think it looks better without), a few parts such as Discord speaking with the Ponnequin are a few paragraphs too long, and while I understood the inclusion of Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I didn’t entirely see what it was that the scene at Sweet Apple Acres added.
Now, onto why this managed to escape from the real Sadness Factory, my accept rate (sorry, Cleveland).
Simply put, this was a philosophical fic done right. That genre takes a lot of risks and then crosses its fingers, and I think enough of those risks paid off in the end. While Pinkie Pie is a little straightforward with the conclusion, it’s honestly pretty accurate to what she’d do and manages to deliver the central idea without becoming so obvious it hurts. It’s also an idea that’s built up well throughout, because the Ponnequin is alive but trying to emulate others and not succeeding at it. The whole premise stays thoughtful but grounded, with enough abstract to make you think and enough concrete to give you something to anchor your thoughts around. It stays on point throughout, and every little scene has the Ponnequin in some definition of life, from awareness to free will to an attempt at emotion, to add to the end result. Adding Discord in was a nice touch, because then it gives the premise believability. That is exactly something he would do, and it’s interesting then following an inanimate creature he gave life to in some silly gag and exploring what must be going through its head.
I liked this story. It explores an interesting question and provides a good conclusion, all the while staying on track and being written well. Scene at Sweet Apple Acres aside, the flaws I saw were all pretty minor, and even the one scene didn’t detract that much from the story. For those reasons, I am officially dubbing the first review of 2018 as an accept.
Title: I'm Not a Mary Sue
Author: Doctor Disco
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 5
It's okay and funny. There, it's reviewed. What more do you want from me? I really don't know what else to say about it. There was a funny concept and it got played out in a thousand words. The prose is heavily dialogue based, not that there's anything wrong with it. Grammatically, it's okay, albeit with a few grammar problems regarding commas. The story is 95% the mane six harassing a poor mare because of her name. The problem is that all her attributes are informed because of her name. We don't get examples of what she's done or see her do anything, so everyone just comes off as annoying like those Monty Python skits that could've been played out in fifteen seconds if they didn't back and forth circle talk into oblivion. There's another story that sorta tackles this issue and it's about a stallion whose cutie mark is luck. It interestingly has ruined his life, because everyone comes to resent him because luck carries him in every single thing he's ever done, from playing the lottery to just everyday things. If you had tried something interesting with the concept presented here like was done in that fic, which, if I recall was not much longer than this one, I would have had no problem passing it. Nice story, but I just don't see any reason why it should be admitted.
Title: Sunlit Morning
Author: David Silver
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 6
Alrighty, the story is fine, it just needs a bit of polish and a proper conclusion. The main problem with it is that it's mostly Daybreaker lambast Celestia while the latter sits there and insists on being as milequetoast as possible. Cellybeans offers no debate, no rebuttles, no explanation of how and why her gentle rule works as well as it does. All in all, a wasted opportunity. Celestia has ruled Equestria for thousands of years, so clearly there are some very good reasons why she has lasted and done as well for as long as she has. Had there been a point at the end of it all, odds are I would have accepted this story. I do appreciate the work put into channeling Daybreaker as well as making the dialogue engaging. Daybreaker actually comes off as the one I want to back, not because Celestia talks crummy arguments or Daybreaker is a genius of rhetoric, but because Celestia talks nothing, and there's a difference between a villain having a point and a the hero failing to have an argument. You also had a few grammar issues with commas. Tell you what, if you give Celestia some rhetorical chops, allow me to edit this for grammar, and resubmit it, it'll have excellent odds next time.
Title: The Milliner on March Street
Author: Jarvy Jared
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 8
Well done. I can strongly relate to this moody character piece. I know exactly what it's like to while away hours at what seems like a pointless endeavor likely counter to your strengths, so says the awkward introvert who keeps on only ever getting jobs in customer service and direct sales. You get a small sense of who she is, but only to the extent it's necessary for the story. This is slice of life done right and I applaud you for it. You accomplished it through rich prose with an emphasis on mood and atmosphere through narration and the careful control of detail. You had a handful of grammatical issues, but I am willing to overlook those. Congrats to your editing team, too. Welcome to the archive.
Title: Self-Insert
Author: Silent Whisper
Read: 100%
Decision: Accept
Score: 9
HHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! HNG! HNG! HNG! TOO CUTE! HHHNNNNGGGGG!!!!!
Okay, to actually review, this is probably the single best writeup of polyamory I have ever seen. It's not having a lover and a lover, but having two lovers -- it's all simultaneous and all completely mutual. In a fandom full of harem situations and lite poly, I think this really is the first story where ALL the members of a polyamorous arrangement really are equal level and all mutually in love with each other. That innovation alone and fantastic understanding of polyamory warrant inclusion. It's more of an abstract story than a story with a plot, but that's okay. The grammar is almost flawless. All in all, this ears 9/10 squeeriffic flutteryays.
Title: And yet, What Riches Still Await
Author: Patchwork Poltergeist
Amount read: 100%
Verdict: 6.8/10 - Reject
What an interesting little expansion we have here. Whilst there are things that I would definitely consider improving on (which we will get into later), you have managed to absolutely nail what so many authors, including myself, really struggle with.
Your storytelling is fantastic, the flow, general pace and prose worked together really well in this piece, and whilst the beginning was a little bit shaky with all of the scene setting, you quickly recovered. The fic became very clear and it’s intentions dead set by the time we got into the nitty gritty so well done. I saw perfect examples of showing, not telling and you bet I picked up on the symbolism. Characterisation remained consistent and unique throughout the fic and I really felt like I could understand and level with Spoiled.
However, this fic didn’t go without its flaws. The largest and most detrimental being the fact that the fic didn’t really draw any chemistry between the two. By extension, the fic didn’t seem to go too far. It just seemed like two ponies meeting and talking, there was little glue to stick them together. Often a pitfall in short origin romances is the fact that they create development in the actual characters themselves, but not in the actual bonding of these two characters. They don’t need to fling into each other’s arms, they don’t need to face a dragon together, but they do need depth in their relationship or a growing depth. I don’t really have any passion or drive for these two characters to get together, or any reason to take up a whole new perspective. Whilst there is a lot more slice of life realism in romance itself, there is still an aspect of it that needs to be larger than ourselves and larger than simple bonds you see everywhere else. Otherwise why not just live our own lives? A great way of doing this is maybe giving them something in common, give them personalities that really mesh together, give them something fun and relatable that they can talk about. Let them bond! Give them action, this is supposed to be Spoiled’s last chance at romance so really show her opening up and doing something different, even if that is a shared romantic pessimism or something.
I also feel for the length of the fic, we don’t see enough action in a sense. The pace is really slow, which allows us to see more of Spoiled, but it slightly reaches into the territory of a bit too slow. Don’t get me wrong, I love the narration and how you consistently gave spoiled a lot of character in her own head. I just think that there was not enough action to justify such a long fic for its type.
You have a fantastic premise and beautiful writing that just needs a little more weight to it. A little more action, a little more justification and a little more character chemistry. You honestly have the potential to get an extremely high score, these minor things are enough to sadly not warrant a pass. But, please keep writing and submitting, because I honestly can already visualise your fic in the highlights section. I cannot wait to see another of your fics in our claim folder.
-Milo Chalks
Title: The Secret Island
Author: Brony Wan Kenobi
Read: 100%
Decision: Fail
Score: 5
It's simply not your best work. Your later works, starting with the middle chapters of Treasure Chest, really blow this out of the water. There simply is no comparison in quality between this and what you've come up with since then. The story is plagued primarily will clunky prose, corny dialogue, and more comma issues than I can shake a Mosin at. The biggest single problem is the clunky prose. It just doesn't flow well, and in a clopfic dependant on immersing the reader in a fluid action, it breaks the whole time. I like the Mac x Luna romance, although I genuinely can't figure out why the other Apples are there. Another problem is chapter length. 8K is about as long as any one chappy should be in a story, but you had a couple of 10K+ word chapters, bringing large pacing problems. As it stands, I had a good time reading this, but I cannot conscion recommending it.
Title: Nightmare Night Fun
Author: Brony Wan Kenobi
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 6
So close and yet so far. I failed this fic for mechanical issues primarily, but the prose in some places is almost unforgivably stilted. Simply put, some parts, especially in the first chapter and the last chapter are more telly than the BBC. Commas, author, need to be use for like direct addresses, as well as for subordinate dependant clauses, and appositives, which are all things you sometimes got right, but did fail more often than not, sadly. You could have explained things with dialogue, news reports, or any number of ways instead of shoveling forced exposition dumps on the audience for thousands of words at a time. Also, the whole flashback sequence with Celestia was the pits, from the audible CLUNK of a transition so poorly done I actually missed it the first time at both its start and its end for a sequence that was ultimately more or less pointless. Come to think of it, I can't think of a reason why this really needed to be a sequel, given that it's fundamentally a TwiSunSentry story only tangentially related to The Secret Island. And speaking of side characters who served no purpose other than to distract and take up space, Rarity definitely counts. Other than making costumes and being knocked up at the end for a forced drama bomb with characters we don't care about, and her sex scenes early on being the worst in the story, she really doesn't do anything at all of import. Now, the prose on the whole was a lot better than in The Secret Island. You really improved radically during chapter 3, and the question as to what was going to happen with Sunset, Twilight, and Flash was a great plot that I really was invested in. You had a responsible handling of a polyamorous relationship, and the sex scenes during the party were fantastic. Very natural and hot. Unfortunately, Rarity's earlier sex scene, and the last sex scene that's roleplaying with Twiley and Sentry were far too telly and clunky. Speaking of clunky attempts at sexiness, calling out breast sizes does not automatically make something hot. What's far sexier is atmosphere, description, and investment rather than mechanical designations. If you refined the story with your skills now, cut some of the needless stuff, and got it well proofed, I'd say it stands a solid chance of making it pending a resubmission.
Title: Subs and Sandwiches
Author: Silent Whisper
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 4
Congratulations, you made BSDM cloppy fun BORING! Okay, so the fetishes by and large weren't my think, and the society looks really interesting, but it was all just in the end wasted potential. How do I say this? It's a clopfic with almost no fucking fucking. Given that porn is the key promise of this story, you failing to deliver is a serious mark against it. I don't know how this fic was a slog, but it was. The chapter with Photo Finish was terrible. Everything involving her was painful. You fucked her accent bad enough to cause tearing. I know both Russian and German, you tried giving an accent that was somewhere in the middle, only it ended up completely unlike any real life accent. Imagining it aloud was like rubbing my ears on a cheese grater. And in all, she didn't add anything to the story and it could have been more interesting to have someone else be involved. I think Zephyr would have been a choice, as it could have given him more than once scene and perhaps built a bit of character to base the otherwise pointless later freakout at the sight of him in the story. You can do way better than this story. While it was mechanically flawless, it was not an enjoyable read.
Title: Talks
Author: Wildprince15
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 4
Urh, I am not happy to write this. Simply put, you failed on technical grounds. It wasn't just issues with commas, but you botched capitalization a few times and got dialogue parsing wrong at least a few times. Even without those, this fic feels like 5 stories' worth of ideas condensed into a few hundred words of each. We don't even get to the focus part of the story until 2/3 of the way through, which is terrible pacing. If you had focused on the father and his relationships with the girl, maybe something coherent could have been made out of this, but as it stands, it's an idea jumble that needs major rewriting and at least 3K more words worth of building.
Title: Through It All And Beyond
Author: Cripping Starvation
Read: 100% (10K currently)
Decision: Reject
Score: 5
A few suggestions: First: vary your paragraph length, and there is no need to do a new paragraph when it's just narration every 2-4 sentences! Second: No need for Ben to do a new alien all the time just because he can. It's annoying and gets in the way of the establishment of relationships between him and the ponies. Now, I've only ever seen parts of the original Ben Ten years ago, but you seem to be doing good work on using both sides of the crossover material, so you get points for that. If there's anything I have to fault, it's firstly the prose, secondly the ADHD vascilations of the story, constantly moving without cause. The conversation between Ben, Twiley, and Woona could have been just one long chapter and significantly condensed without the constant alien switching. Thirdly, you have some grammar problems, like not using commas for direct address, author. You also had a glaring tense clash in your very third paragraph of chapter 1. Now, I actually enjoyed this fic and think that if you manage to calm it down and work on the grammar, get out another 15K words and resubmit, you may have a decent chance of getting it accepted. Take this review as an invitation to work harder and try again. Better luck next time.
Title: Waking Up
Author: TK-Jay
Read: 100%
Decision: Reject
Score: 3
This is the most enjoyable story I have ever had to assign such a low score to. I'm going to be less salty than usual in this writeup for reasons such as this story being your first work, and many of the issues in it having been resolved in other pieces of yours. That being said, it's a trainwreck! It's been a very entertaining trainwreck, but still a massive trainwreck. Even without all the other issues, the mechanical problems alone would have sunk it just in the very first chapter. Comma issues, tense issues, perspective issues, dialogue issues, and so on. The transitions in this fic are beyond clunky. I can only say pick a tense, a POV, a character, and stick with them. And please don't have random flashbacks. The story itself is a cheesey cliche storm that so wholeheartedly embraces its own ridiculousness that makes it impossible to hate. I also couldn't figure out what the plot was supposed to be. First it's starting life over in Equestria, then it's cultural exchange, then it's romance, then it's going back to earth, or something. I will acknowledge you tried to make Equestria at least somewhat different from Earth, but that all got explained in an enormous infodump and never really came up again except for justifying the protagonist getting his dick wet in different pussies. Nothing about how he has to deal with different cultural mores, dealing with casual sexism usually attributed to places like Afghanistan, having to learn pony social skills, and so on. For a moment, I thought I was going to get something like Herding Instincts by Sparky Brony. I can't decide if the romance is the best or worst thing about this fic. On one hand, it does come across as tender, if cheesy as velveeta, but the extremely short timeframe that you won't stop bringing up constantly reminds me of Disney first date marriage romances in the worst possible way considering you're trying to paint a picture of a serious relationship... that's been built by a single hospital bedside visit and some engineered nookie... that's now suddenly like a marriage level serious romance. All my cringe, you can have it. The first sex scene was really awkward and felt incredibly forced. Instead of just asking him for details about how his reproductive system worked, or doing a magical scan, they instead decided to push him into having sex just so they could watch it with clipboards and take down notes. Auch. What the actual fuck? After the hospital, we're treated to the usual cliches of arriving in Ponyville for about 10 minutes, and then it becomes a more normalish slice of life until bad dreams drive the protagonist to demand a return to Earth, which he could have done all along. As for why he was picked to go to Equestria out of a sea of other people who are at death's door, we'll never know. Come to think of it, the fact that time flows roughly 4x faster on Earth than Equestria is not too shabby an idea. I do like that you made it entirely voluntary for your protagonist to choose to settle in Equestria permanently. And that's all I really have to say about your story. Most of the issues in it got fixed in later stories, but this one is a very fun mess.
Title: Cyclosa
Author: Norris The Pony
Read: 100% (92K currently)
Decision: Reject
Score: 6
You've done some great work here, but I have to give this the Willis treatment. I love the character work, even Bitchlestia. You add a great deal of ambiguity and depth to the characters, which is very interesting. I quite like this take on preclassical Equestria, and I find it's a world a lot more similar to our own than could really be imagined. Your work on Celestia's character is amazing. I can't decide if she's a good person doing bad things, or a bad person doing good things -- I would personal lable her as at least a borderline sociopath. She's very much a livid survival machine, even at times and with ponies where maybe she shouldn't be. I like that you paint the common denominator in all of her group dysfunction as being her, and more than once character remarks at just how absolutely ruthless and harsh she is. Unfortunately, there are two things I need to kill this fic for. The first is the grammar. You have routine issues with mechanics, especially commas and capitalization. The second is that you have far too many microparagraphs. If you gave this fic a good proofing and refined the prose to have a more natural flow, this would be an easy accept.
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Title: Surrogate Light by scootalooftw
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (4.5/10)
Reason:
Yes, this story was still in the cue. I promise I didn’t forget about it!*
I’m jumping right in with this one, going after the biggest issue I saw: the framing story of Twilight not being Twilight. I was legitimately intrigued at the start and wanted to see how it was going to go, because I felt there was so much potential there. It was an AU covering the most pivotal moment of the show and replaced the original main character, but it then fell off very quickly. Who Twilight really is is very rarely explored after leaving the hospital, save for one chapter where it felt included only to remind the reader that that subplot was still a thing and the ending chapter, which just got way too meta and metaphysical to really do much for me.
Next, its AU status. Yes, it’s an AU, can’t argue that. But what I can argue is that it does very little with its status as an AU. As said before, it starts out with a really interesting premise, but then drops off after Twilight leaves the hospital. It becomes the story of Friendship is Magic, Part 2 but with ever so slight modifications, and not ones that really feel that big or groundbreaking. If anything, they almost blunt the suspense the show built up. Sure Nightmare Moon was not actually that powerful an adversary and most of the challenges the ponies faced were pretty lackluster, but there was at least some tension between the protagonists and the antagonist. Here, we just get the protagonists walking to a ruined castle without much happening to them, and without someone following them and trying to impede them. Where’s the conflict?
Finally, the last chapter (not the epilogue). It’s a huge departure from the rest of the story’s tone, bringing in metaphysics and mysticism in a story for the most part grounded in realism within the world of My Little Pony. But then, we get some super meta explanation via Fausticorn, and it’s all wrapped in way more abstract ideas than the story had been presenting. The explanation itself also seems very hastily put together, almost as if the author knew he was going to explain how it all happened but then got to the chapter and realized he had no idea, but needed to write something down. Faust, the void, and Elysium all just get thrown about, and it just creates an explanation that seems to boil down to “it’s magic, deal with it.”
To summarize, this story starts out with a really promising concept, then places a lot of that on the back burner before turning to a fairly conservative AU and finally ending with an abrupt and ham-handed explanation. For those reasons, I am rejecting this story.
*not forever, at least
Story title: What If... by TheMajorTechie
Amount Read: First ten chapters, a few random ones after
Verdict: 5/10, against
Reasoning:
I like some of the ideas in this, I really do. But at the same time many of the ideas are also too extreme and ridiculous to be enjoyable, suspending the already suspended reader's disbelief beyond all possibilities. Furthermore the use of—or overuse thereof—formatting (bold, underline, oversized fonts, etc) was really quite jarring to the reader and made the piece seem stupidly tacky. As a final small point, the author hasn't quite got to grips with the use of speech and speech formatting, though the main issue with the story was as above.
Title: Remember Me by Raptormon132
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (4.5/10)
Reason:
Not a whole lot to say about this story, honestly. It’s not very long, and there’s a decent number of scenes packed into such a short fic. They all feel like they hit just the bare minimum of what’s required for a scene, and none of them really go further than what is absolutely necessary. With such an emotional topic being explored here, having just a minimum to paint a scene is bad, because those emotions don’t get time to ferment and become stronger. Especially with a first person story, there’s a lot of potential to really let those emotions come forth, and none of that gets seen.
On the topic of first person, I have to pull the writing itself into this. I’m generally not a fan of writing accents, but oh well. But when writing in first person, the accent shouldn’t really be written. This is a story being told from Applejack’s perspective—she wouldn’t write “Ah”, she’d write “I”. It’s one thing to write a character’s accent when they’re speaking, but not when speaking from their perspective. She doesn’t think she’s saying “Ah”, she thinks she’s saying “I”.
Overall, this fic just didn’t really make that much of an impression on me. The scenes didn’t have enough gravity to really elicit much emotion because they’re moved through so quickly, and the whole time I was thinking about how the accent doesn’t really work well when written in first person. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.
Title: Collapse Failure by Winston
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:
After reading this, I get the distinct impression that I was in a dimension of not only sight and sound, but of mind.
To start, I have to talk about the premise and its execution. It’s an interesting premise, I’ll say that. However, it’s not really one that’s new and groundbreaking. Being frozen in time where you can move but nothing else can is not an uncommon trope, and that subsequently makes a bit of an uphill battle because that idea’s just been done in a thousand and one ways. This story, however, doesn’t really do a whole lot with it. Twilight is stuck in time, and is trying to get out. There’s not really a whole lot more to the story.
On that, the pacing. There’s not really a whole lot that happens in this story, and a lot of it is just repetition of the point that time is frozen around Twilight. The ending also serves as just an infodump, going into perhaps too much detail as to how Twilight got stuck in this mess. It gets boring to read, because it’s just all thrown at you in rather technical terms without much to break it up. It’s such a radical change from the slower buildup the story had before, and it’s just very jarring to have most of the story be much slower where not much action occurs to a technical infodump at the end.
To end, I guess I’d say it’s not a bad story. It’s a decent premise and is written well, but my main criticism is that it doesn’t really do anything. We have slow buildup and then an infodump, but not much in the way of action happens. We find out how Twilight got into this mess, but there’s not a lot of seeing her in or trying to get out of said mess. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.
Title: Rainbows have nothing to hide
Author: Silent Whisper
Amount read: 100%
Verdict: 9/10 - Accept
This fic is the type of fic that makes me instantly want to click on the author that had made it and seriously consider every single fic that they have written. Honestly as my first accept I cannot find a better fic to do it for. This was truly an amazing fic to accept and this is why:
The way you structure and style your prose to fit the situation you are trying to set up was absolutely flawless. I felt trapped and enthralled in what Twilight had to say and what was really going on up there. Initially I was really scared for you, with the fic only being 1100 words long. But, every single word has purpose and meaning and I feel like this fic did not in any way need to be a single word longer than what it is. The prose and style only adds to this by creating such high detail and so much emotion for something as small and simple as turning on the street lights at night time.
The romance in this fic is something special in itself. We don’t need lengthy backstory or character development and attachment to understand and be able to empathise with this fic. You have created such a deep look into what is really going on that you truly feel the emotion. You could almost see the gears turning in Twilight’s head as she contemplates her thoughts and feelings to the mysterious mare at nighttime. What I also love is the fact that whilst we already know it’s Rainbow Dash, you still give her actions anonymity. This creates this beautiful feeling of being let into this little window that only Twilight gets to see, like it’s a true privilege to get to witness this action and Twilight’s inner thoughts about it. No one needs to talk, no one needs to interact, hell, Twilight doesn’t even need to see the mare for all the emotion to come forth. You really feel for her, you really feel the situation. To finish off the fic, the ambiguity you create at the end of the fic was ambiguity done right. This fic was more centred around Twilight understanding her emotions and feelings, giving them interaction and resolution would have taken this away (but I still would like to think that they find each other!).
It was so poetic, so sweet and so worth accepting into the cafe.
-Milo
Title: Shattered Equestria: Jagged Reflections
Author: TheSleeplessOne
Amount Read: All Released Chapters
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 16/20
Technical/Structure: 5/10
Characters: 5/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total: 30/50
Verdict: 6/10 - Recommend Rejection
I apologize for the long wait, but at long last, I am here to give this story its much deserved review. There is a lot of discussion that can be derived from this reading experience, but for the sake of time, I shan’t go into anything but the most noteworthy topic matters.
Technicals/Structure:
The first is that, while the grammar doesn’t appear to be grotesque (most of which involved missing commas and punctuation issues), there was were a number of spots in the prose that had awkward phrasing.
This is clunky description. First off, I read this as not her face turning but a property of the face instead. The effect makes me imagine that her face is morphing as she’s tilting her head. Secondly, she continued turning her head until it was fully tilted. But how is it fully tilted? Is she looking up? Down? I don’t know.
There were some other instances of awkward phrasing, mostly brought about either as a result of missing commas or a thought that didn’t appear fully developed to me.
I read this as her hooves appearing to touch the floor, not the dress as it’s meant to. You might want to double check the syntax for errors behind me on this one, though.
I read this one as her backing against Sugarcube Corner the entire way of her retreat as well as the building itself shaking, but I don’t think that was the intended meaning.
There’s more laiden within the prose, but the takeaway from this that I think there is some minutiae with the phrasing that provides me with an awkward experience.
Characterization:
Moving onto the characterization, there aren’t many notable occurrences that stand out to me as being either egregious or excellent. There are a few events, however, that paint an odd picture on the characters.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never seen Rainbow Dash as the type to customarily be late to events, not enough to warrant Twilight’s snarky comment. Her subsequent glare towards Fluttershy as the shy mare giggled made me feel that all three of them were slightly out of character in this event.
There are a few noteworthy events regarding the antagonist, Star Swirl, as well, starting with his monologue.
It leaves a little to be desired. It seems like the intention is to create a powerful dynamic of the conflict between the Princesses and Star Swirl. The problem was that it was muddied down in explanation that I felt didn’t need to be divulged in this scene. Specifying that he failed in those experiments, or that they were performed in other worlds, could have been saved for his confrontation with the protagonists (correct me if I’m wrong, but it was repeated in the later scene anyways).
Instead, let’s focus on why he failed. This is the first scene we’re introducing this character. We need to give him deeper significance towards his motivations than xyz power for the sake of power and being antagonistic towards our characters. I believe there needs to be something that directly opposes the protagonists’ beliefs or exposes their flaws.
My reasoning follows from one fundamental rule of storytelling, that the characterization of a protagonist is only as strong as the antagonist or struggle he/she faces. If you create a cardboard, villain, you will ultimately end up with a cardboard hero.
I should clarify that I don’t believe your antagonist is a cardboard villain. I simply wanted to suggest something I felt could embolden his role and subsequently the narrative as a whole.
Plot/Theme:
I think there’s a lot going for the narrative with the plot. There’s a real driving force behind it in the early stages. It has real defining thematic concepts that fuel the typical adventure type novel. It’s rich with complexities that create dynamic in the protagonist’s struggle to overcome their obstacles. It’s something that every reader looks for when reading an adventure novel.
That being said, there are times where I feel it’s explanations become a little much:
I got a little lost in this quote. Star-Swirl had to bargain with dragons and temper the glass. And it describes what the frame is made of. Is any of this relevant? I suppose it is justifiable in being there to create awe within the readers over its composition, but I personally didn’t care for it.
Conclusion:
While, I enjoyed this story, I felt that there were technical issues and issues with characterization which results in my decision to reject this story at this time. I hope this review has been helpful.
Story: Sleep Well, My Angel
Author: FamousLastWords
Reviewer: Sparky Brony
Verdict: 8/10 (Accept)
Review:
As most reviewers and readers know, I’m not much for the technicals when it comes to reviewing. If the spelling is sufficient, and there are no real major grammatical errors that jar me out of the story. They pass. Though a story with bad grammar and everything else going right will get a fail from me. That being said, this story had no serious issues with the flow and the prose. Grammar was good, and spelling didn’t jar me out of enjoying the story. So, all that is good.
Now, onto my favorite part of the review, the subjective. This story is written from some future time frame, where Spike is alone. At first the reader is left wondering why, but then the flashbacks start. It’s a very simple premise, as the story was written to be a cuddlefic. Those can be really adorable, or they can be full on cringe. I’m happy to say, this fell well into the dawwwwwwww territory. The narrative is carried forward through three flashback scenes, one with him and filly Twilight (yes, filly Twilight is always a win, when done properly) and her helping him adjust to the fact that he’s outgrown a previous basket to sleep in. So he gets to snuggle with her. That was cute, very cute. Then we get to sometime to the future of what is today’s Friendship is Magic, them snuggling to celebrate him getting accepted into university. Twilight’s protectiveness and his being a bit of a troll really sold the scene.
Then the last time, he comes home, and finds an aged and infirm Twilight. He is gentle with her, and picks her up and shows his love for her one last time. Now, I’m firmly in the headcanon that Twilight is ageless like Celestia and Luna. And the fact that I’m suspending that for this shows the strength of the narrative of this story. It works, and it works very well. And the final scene, where he lets his life go on, yet remembering whom he loved very much. Just made the story work. So, I’m quite pleased to accept this story into the café! Keep up the writing!
And on a personal note, if this story got 2nd place. 1st had better have been absolutely stellar.
Story: Twilight Tries to Get Fired
Author: Silent Whisper
Reviewer: Sparky Brony
Verdict: 6/10 (Reject)
Review:
Typically, there are two major parts to a review, the first is the objective side. The story’s grammar,spelling, and prose. This story has no major issues when it comes to any of those. The spelling was good, and the grammar didn’t knock out my suspension of disbelief.
On to the subjective portion of my review. I actually really enjoyed this story, up until the last bit. To me, this story felt like you were several steps ahead of the competition, then you stumbled right before the finish line and ended up in last place.
Let me explain, Twilight wanted to get fired. Okay, admirable goal in a retail job she hates. She doesn’t want to keep in a menial retail job for the rest of her life. I get it. And the way she went about it, escalating throughout the story, it worked well. Quite well, especially when it culminated in Fluttershy’s friend, Harry the bear, ending up rampaging through the store. That got a few chuckles from me. The second chapter was good too. Drunk Twilight is always a treat when she’s written correctly. And her referring to Rarity by different ship names for her (Raridash, ect…) worked well in breaking the fourth wall and making for an entertaining story. But that’s also where the story broke down. She had justified why she didn’t quit in her head from the very beginning of the story. And yet, one drunken conversation with Rarity is enough to completely changer her attitude? I don’t buy it.
So, with trepidation I clicked on the third chapter. I’ll admit, her dealing with stupid customers was entertaining. But when she went into the manager’s office. That’s where you lost me. As a fellow author, let me give you my idea as to what would have nailed the landing and made this story epic. First, have her go through what she did in chapter one with the manager, and have the manager make more excuses for her. Have the entire scene escalate, where she’s in full Twilight freakout mode, something along the lines of I brought an enormous bear into the store and let him loose. He destroyed merchandise and ended up falling asleep in a pile of shredded clothing. Why wouldn’t you fire me for that? And have his response be something clever, Princess Celestia made me promise to not fire you (it would fit with how Celestia can be an absolute troll at times.) or I would lose my business license or something like that. Then have Twilight, in a fit of pique, declare that she quits and storms off. Just think of the first police academy movie, have fun with the concept. And the manager yelling as she’s leaving to return her uniform and her check will be mailed to her. That would have been a far more satisfying ending.
Either way, thank you for your submission into the Café, the story was an entertaining read, but just not up to snuff to be selected.
Story: The Amazing Adventures of Butter Knife!
Author: TheMajorTechie
Reviewer: Sparky Brony
Verdict: 2/10 (Reject)
Review:
Okay….wow, I’m gonna skip the objective portion of this review and dive right into the subjective. This is not an entertaining story. I get it, I really do, trying to do a trollfic. But this is the literary equivalent of eating tide pods. It’s not entertaining, it’s not fun, it’s….tedious! Deadpool has greater range than the not so aptly named butter knife. I’m not going to try to give you advise on how to trollfic, but this is NOT the way to go about it. You want a story to be read by the readers, if you want to do a trollfic, do the whole thing and release the whole thing, so the readers go on to the next chapter thinking okay, what fuckery is coming next. If you are going to have such an edgy character, have their adventure be larger than life. Big explosions, big everything. Think Donut Steele (Dear lord, I’m actually wishing for that?!?!) when it comes to over the top.
I’m contractually bound to actually refer to events in the story when I review it. So, here goes, the banter at the beginning, between the narrator and the character, for one, there’s not a good enough delineation between the narrator and Butter Knife. It’s easy to get confused as to who is talking. Then the character ends up being put in a safe, nesting doll style, and ending up in Ponyville. This could have been fun, but it ended up being tedious. Our favorite FiM characters are reduced to one liners, and the one character that could have made this entertaining, Pinkie Pie, was just WAY underutilized. Painful to read, and painful to review. This story ends up being…a mess. Please, put this out of its misery.
Story: Sunday Morning Snuggles
Author: High_Light
Reviewer: Sparky Brony
Verdict: 6/10 (Reject)
Review:
There are times where a very cute and fun fic must be rejected for technical reasons. This is one of them. I understand the author is new, so has a lot to learn when it comes to writing. First off, a good editor is a must. You need someone with fresh eyes to read what you wrote, and find what you missed. In this case, run on sentences are the crime that got this story rejected.
On to the subjective, this story is absolutely adorable. High Light and Brighten Early have a very good dynamic going on. They are written as two ponies very much in love. He’s wanting just a little more time, and she’s cheerfully waking him up, though she was trying to be considerate. With her name, you know she’s the ultimate morning pony. The plot is kept simple, and quite cute. He’s dreading them getting up to face another busy day. But he remembers it’s Sunday, and they are closed. But of course, they get back into bed, and other demands of the day require them to get up.
All in all, this is an adorable story, I did enjoy it, and it gives me no pleasure to reject this story from the café. Thank you for your submission!
Story: Miracle
Author: Winston
Reviewer: Sparky Brony
Verdict: 7/10 (Reject) Second Opinion by: Fox Likes Pancakes
Review:
There are two major sections to my typical review, the objective, and the subjective. Usually, I can gloss over the objective. Which is the technical parts of the story. Grammar, prose, spelling, and such. This story, however, I cannot. And it frustrates me that such a simple concept can really knock an otherwise strong story down. The problem is simple, when you write in first person, use present tense. To use past tense CAN be done, but it takes an absolute expert author and is exceedingly hard to do. As another reviewer put it… “First person past can work really well because it allows the character to reflect on the situation and add in what they didn’t know at the time but sadly, very few people on the site capitalize on that” And that is most certainly the case here. Typically, first person stories in past tense is someone recounting events that had previously happened to them as in a diary entry. This isn’t that. And the story fails for that.
On to the subjective, the overall premise is solid. Sunset Shimmer (one of my favorite characters to write) has come back to Equestria, and she has come to talk to Princess Celestia. She wants to let Celestia know that she knew about how Celestia was subtly maneuvering things with the end goal of a pony who can take on Nightmare Moon and succeed in getting her sister back. Right there, that’s an excellent premise. I love it! Celestia and Sunset’s conversation flows naturally and is an entertaining read. In fact, in the end, I was quite entertained by this entire story. But I was torn by the technical here. Hence why I asked for a second opinion.
In conclusion, this is a very nice story. I enjoyed it, but due to the technical problems from being written incorrectly, I must reject this story from the Café. Sad to say, but keep writing, and keep submitting. Thank you for your submission!
Title: Not Enough Warmth by Doctor Disco
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5.5/10)
Reason:
My reasoning for rejecting this story is simple: it doesn’t do much with its prompt.
Derpy’s delivering mail in a blizzard, and Octavia invites her in to warm up. Not a whole lot else happens, really. They talk for a little bit, but none of what they talk about really has a whole lot of depth to it. They bring up some topics that I think would’ve been interesting if they had more time to be discussed, but they don’t. As a result, the story didn’t really stick with me that much. It happens, it gives a few cute little lines from Derpy, but none of them really give you the feels because they’re just kind of stated and then moved on from. It’s a neat little read, but nothing that really wowed me or really hit me that hard, so I am rejecting it.
Title: Second Chances by Nailah
Amount Read: All currently published (through Chapter 6: Just a Kiss)
Verdict: Reject (4/10)
Reason:
To start, I have to bring up the grammar of this story. It’s nothing really egregious, but it needs a good polish. On that, the writing itself needs some cleanup, because it has a lot of long paragraphs made up of long sentences with a very telly structure, making reading it just get repetitive and uninteresting.
My biggest criticism, however, is the pacing. This story all happens very quickly. In the first chapter alone, we meet Flim, get an infodump as to why’s he in the story, Fluttershy takes him in, and he really opens up to her. The rest of the story’s slightly better, but it all just speeds through like it’s almost an abridged version of a longer story, where only the absolute necessities of the story are present.
There’s not much more to say, because the big issues of this story come from its writing style and very fast speed. For those reasons, I am rejecting this fic.
Title: SKITTISH by JMac
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (6/10)
Reason:
To be fair, I didn’t think this was really a bad story. However, I don’t think it really did much really special and new.
Mainly, the premise. The 6th paragraph in, I said to myself pretty confidently, “Dusty’s the ghost of somepony in the cemetery.” Turns out I was right. It’s a pretty common trope, and unfortunately, it was kind of obvious early on. As such, it undid a lot of the horror and creepiness of the story, because you were just wondering when the big reveal was going to happen and not being really enveloped into the story and the atmosphere around it. I like a story that makes you go “But that would mean...oh, shit!”, and this didn’t do that to me. There was never any sort of realization that sent a wave of fear or dread or whatever you want to call it through me, and ghost stories are so reliant on those that knowing it beforehand makes them just so much less powerful.
Now, had I not figured it out? Maybe my judgment would’ve been different. But part of the problem is that with such a common trope, you really have to masterfully tell the story to not have it immediately register in somebody’s head what’s going on, and this story fell short of that. As such, this is a reject.
Title: Firestorm Destroys Something Rather Important
Author: BradyBunch22
Amount Read: 100%
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 8/20
Technical/Structure: 7/10
Characters: 3/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total: 21/50
Verdict: 4/10 - Recommend Rejection
I don’t feel like there is very much to comment on this story, as it doesn’t have a lot of ‘meat’ to it, but I’ll do my best to analyze it for what it is.
This seems like a sequel or a one-off from a main story. Its setup follows through with its random tag in that there doesn’t seem to be a context for… Well, anything. The story opens up with fallen metallic structure. That is also a city. And also a workstation. And a weapon. It’s a lot of things.
This machine was supposed to be nigh invincible and lay destruction to everything in its wake, but it was destroyed by three bumbling stallions who kind of remind me of the three stooges in a way, except without the slapstick comedy bits they pull in their acts.
There’s really no relation at all for where they were at - except that they were in the ‘wastelands of the badlands’, whatever that means - or why the machine was attacking Equestria in the first place. Granted, this narrative point capitalizes on the random tag to some degree, but it doesn’t quite pull off its comedy as well as it probably could have. It wasn’t really until the final quarter of the story that there is any sort of amusement to be had.
Additionally, after reading it, I can’t really tell you anything about the characters at all except their physical appearance and that they’re Guardians of the Sun. One of them also constantly embarrasses himself.
Without any real defining moments of characterization, having them argue over an event after the fact about the shenanigans they pulled doesn’t exactly create an engaging reading experience for me.
Therefore, because the lack of context and story’s characterization feeling somewhat lackluster in execution, I did not receive the full appreciation of its punchline, sad as that may be. I do see what it’s trying to achieve, however, and it does have the potential to become a really fond narrative with some revision.
After mulling over my thoughts for a little while, I have come to the decision that, in its present state, I must sadly reject this story at this time.
6290248
I feel happy for you, I really do. I ask you, however, to refrain from posting in this thread again, as it is strictly for reviews. You may message me, or the reviewer who reviews your stories privately, however.
Title: Happy Hearth's Warming
Author: Doctor Disco
Amount Read: 100%
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 13/20
Technical/Structure: 8/10
Characters: 8/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total: 33/50
Verdict: 6.5/10 - Recommend Rejection
I’d like to start this review out by saying that I well and truly believe that this has all the makings of a great narrative. It has a wonderfully powerful start that captures the essence of Scootaloo’s character. Her enthusiasm for speed and her daringness to take leaps of faith in the hopes of attaining the one thing she longs for than any other in the world. Her ability to fly.
From the opening, I got the sense that it was going to have something to do with her growth as a character. She would learn how to spread her wings and soar, if not physically, than perhaps figuratively. And while we did receive some of that in the story’s resolution, it took on a very different form than my expectations.
The premise isn’t as in depth as I’d have liked it to be. Ultimately what we get from it plot wise is “Hey, look. She’s sad. Let’s go cheer her up.” Then they go cheer her up. And, predictably, they manage to screw up their attempts in doing just that, but they still managed to cheer Somnambula up anyways.
From the point of the narrative where the crusaders’ play onward takes on a very similar tone to their play on the show. They mess up and make the audience laugh.
The problem for me is that the plot ultimately doesn’t show me how Somnambula has forgotten why she should be happy in the first place. She has all of her friends, even Stygian who she lost to the Pony of Shadows.
While there the grammar and spelling are well polished (I only noticed a few small things here and there that I don’t feel worth mentioning), the plot didn’t feel as deep and moving as I felt it could have been. It is with a heavy heart that I reject this story at this time.
Title: Heroes Get Remembered Legends Never Die
Author: FamousLastwords
Amount Read: 100%
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 16/20
Technical/Structure: 9/10
Characters: 8/10
Subjective: 7/10
Total: 40/50
Verdict: 8/10 - Recommend Acceptance
Well, that just happened. Honestly, this story doesn’t deserve the negativity it got! Okay, onto the actual review.
There is a heavily comedic overtone presented in this story. Spike is put on the spot, and he figuratively gets a dump on him by every character present, the judge excluded. She does seemingly remain impartial for the most part.
To put it bluntly, the entirety situation cannot be taken seriously, but it was never meant to be. It’s taking something serious, which is a court case, and blowing it to wild and amusing proportions.
It does very well establishing the fact that Spike is innocent, showing how quaint and docile his side of the story is compared to Berry Punch’s preposterous tale. Not only does her tale not make any sense, Spike’s depiction in it doesn’t fit with how an actual person would speak! In a serious work, this would be considered bad writing by wide and large, but for a satire such as this, the juxtaposition of these two tales only brings out the hilarity of the situation.
The biggest criticism I have is the circumstance of Mayor Mare’s depiction of him. In a tale whose very nature is the exclusion of all rationale, having the inclusion of an event we know happened only serves as an attempt to ground the narrative in some semblance of logic. In doing so, this runs the risk of suspending the disbelief of the inanity that such a satire strives to achieve.
That being said, it touched on sensitive topics, which I shan’t go into depth here, and takes wild leaps of faith with its execution, and I think it pays off in the end. This truly isn’t the type of story for everyone, and it may completely baffle many, but it’s a satire I can greatly appreciate. I am happy to accept this story.
Title: A changeling named Phallus by Silent Whisper
Amount Read: All
Verdict: Reject (5.5/10)
Reason:
This was a decent story. Length was okay, not small but not long enough to take notice of. The main thing, though, was the depth. It didn’t really go that deep, I hardly felt a thing when the ending came and it was all over.
Ahem
But yeah, I don’t feel like this really did much, mostly because it seems to be trying to do two things at once, and they both kind of get in the way of the other. The “Hey her name means ‘penis’!” was definitely the weak part, because it was just a
handfulfew jokes here and there that weren’t overly funny. I thought the slice of life aspects of showing this mare’s daily life were kind of neat, but just weren’t developed enough and had just such a different mood than the comedic parts that it was hard to tell what the author was going for. Is this a comedy? Is this a true slice of life? Not a bad story, but because it tried to do two things at once and didn’t really do either of those spectacularly, I am rejecting it.Title: Am I Confused?
Author: Jackelope
Amount read: 100%
Verdict: 5.5/10 - Reject
Firstly, I want to say that like the first MxM fic that I reviewed, it is fantastic to see a bit of action in the Male-Queer FIMFiction community putting their work out there and I really want to see more of it. It’s really refreshing and I implore you to not only continue writing, but to continue submitting here.
Now, don’t get me wrong when you see this score, it honestly isn’t as bad as what it looks. I really liked this fic! It was cute and interesting and really featured a very unexplored aspect of sexuality and its effect on kids than want to explore and embrace who they are. It isn’t just black and white and this fic really explores that. The characters were cute and interesting if a bit overly-mature for their age.
Still, I feel like this fic tried to do too much. You tried incorporating heavy clop with a coherent story and story arch over multiple chapters. It’s different and inventive, but not exactly executed as well as I had hoped. You let the clop overpower the plot and the fic really suffers for it. The fic just feels more like an excuse to incorporate two different types of clop and not really focus on the message it tried to convey. I also feel like the protagonist’s struggle with his family was just a way of giving the audience something to love about him. It isn’t really explored or resolved and it felt really forced, if there is going to be an element like that it really needs to be given a larger role as it explains a lot about who the protagonist is and why he acts the way he does. It should have had more light shone on it.
In terms of the protagonist, he felt a bit… empty. He didn’t feel very true to his situation, his inner struggle was thrown at you right from whenever a complication occurred in the fic. Give it foreshadow, let it build and fester and come to a point where it comes out, it is so much more powerful like that. Let’s use the complication with his parents. Allude to it, drop subtle hints, but make the protagonist hold it in. When you meet his parents, give them space, distance, don’t exactly show off their flaws. Let it seem like a slightly dysfunctional yet still coherent relationship, but your protagonist still reacts negatively to their presence. Let the parents get worse and worse until it comes to a head and he unleashes this powerful element, you feel emotionally invested in this development and you want to see how badly Silver had been suffering in his own ways. It doesn’t even need to have some sort of loud bang, it could just be him acting in a way where there is hurt showing. I’ve seen this really well in other stories where the character could be smoking/keeping his thoughts inside his-her head/not wanting to open up to just anyone. Your character could get violent or aggressive, but to give it a way right at the very beginning is giving it all you got way too early.
Overall, to summarise the overall theme of why I am rejecting this fic, it’s difficult to say where you wanted to go with it. Clop seemed to take away from the story which clouded the visions and made it really hard to empathise with the protagonist.
However, I do commend the consistency of your characterisation and your ability to keep them colourful and interesting. I still feel like Silver hada certain lack of depth in how he conducted himself, maybe you were going for that? It came out in the narration anyway. There are many good things that I would love to see incorporated in your future fics; characterisation, diversity, pacing, length of scene. But I feel the fic’s structure and actual story needed to be far more fleshed out.
-Milo
Title: The Pony Of Vengeance
Author: BradyBunch22
Amount Read: 100%
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 15/20
Technical/Structure: 7/10
Characters: 7/10
Subjective: 5/10
Total: 34/50
Verdict: 6.8/10 - Recommend Rejection
If there was one story that I had the most displeasure in rejecting, it’s this one. It really is worth the read if you have the time, and I fully recommend it for anyone who fancies dark and gruesome tales.
There are a few qualms I had with the story, and ultimately I don’t know how much of it really boils down to error in execution as opposed to personal taste, but I’ll try to remain objective for this story’s benefit.
The start of this story had a lot to promise the reader. With it being tagged ‘Gore’, ‘Dark’, Horror’, Mystery, ‘Sci-Fi’, and ‘Drama’, it’s hard to say if it touched all of them adequately. With the exception of Horror, and even Mystery to some degree, however, I believe there was a balance between all of them.
At an initial glance, I was concerned about the narrative’s tonality, for the opening scene almost seemed comedic in nature to me. This may be in part due to some unique and -- dare I say it? -- awkward description.
I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be indicative of a gun, and I understand the characters wouldn’t know this device by name, but the lack of proper description at certain points such as this ended up being somewhat distracting.
The following quote is one such event that seemed glossed over in a somewhat dubious fashion:
Out of curiosity, I plugged some numbers to see how fast he would have had to have gone in order to disappear from their sight in just two seconds. If we assume a pony’s sight is relative to our own and therefore can only see about three miles into the horizon (ground height), and it took two seconds to travel that far, that would mean that the Night Terror was traveling somewhere on the order of 5,400 miles per hour (give or take a few hundred depending on elevation).
This isn’t quite as fast as Rainbow Dash’s Sonic Rainboom, which logs somewhere around the order of 7,600 miles per hour. Suffice it to say, however, that this kind of feat, I believe, would have generated more of a reaction than it did.
One might wonder why I am focusing on this part. With the way the plot forcibly extricates him in a deus ex machina esque fashion, I couldn’t help but focus on analyzing the plausibility of this event. It’s simply abrupt.
On a more general note, Night Terror’s power appears to be nigh insurmountable. He’s quick, agile, and highly durable. He was even able to take on grenades without so much as a scratch. This does get adequately explained later on, however: He is a machine.
And though he does have some emotional weaknesses, I still can’t help but feel that a favorable resolution for him is destined to happen. Until he’s accomplished what he’s set himself out to do, it feels like the girls have no choice but to go along with his violent actions.
That being said, there are other areas where this story excels at, namely weaving other aspects of the narrative without being too transparent, keeping the plot one step ahead of the readers and controlling the story’s diction and pace.
This becomes even more palatable for me when we are given insight into the journal of the scientist who created the Night Terror. There is a lot of emotion at play here, and it does a thoroughly good job of fleshing out the world through the vengeful eyes of a heartbroken stallion.
One critique in the journal comes in the form how the scientist’s troubled mind is portrayed through the paper at times. There is one particular spot I’m not so sure would have been presented in quite that way.
After Bright Mind was beat up along the way to his apartment, he began writing back and forth between himself, going over some advice he was given to try to cope with the hardships of his life. The critique is that I would think he’d have this duel between himself right from the start of the entry, if it was to be depicted in this journal at all. And then the reasoning for his trigger into his final descent would naturally unfold from there.
My thought process is that these entries are of events that already happened. Some of the time, like with his decision to create a harder metal than Titanium, the moment of discovery can happen as he’s writing it down; he’s mulling over something that requires a bit of contemplation, but isn’t all encompassing. Other times, as with that inner struggle, it’s either already happened before he had the chance to write it down or it completely dominates his thoughts in his writing.
I may not have made the correct assessment here, but it’s certainly something to think about.
As a final statement, I hope my analysis of this story has been helpful, and I look forward to reading more stories from you.
Title: Equestria Legends Online
Author: Shadowflame
Amount Read: 80K Words
Rating:
Plot/Theme: 7/20
Technical/Structure: 8/10
Characters: 3/10
Subjective: 4/10
Total:22/50
Verdict: 4.5/10 - Recommend Rejection
I’d first like to address that even though it is with a heavy heart that I am rejecting this story, this does not mean that I am not fond of it based off its premise alone. The idea of being trapped in an MMO is both a dream and a nightmare for the modern gamer, and when you pair blend that with the world of Equus, then you have something that should be fun and engaging for the readers even before you dig into the narrative proper.
Its execution, however, leaves much to be desired, and much of what made that premise so endearing fell away to the bland characterization, a dry tone, and faulty logic. Before we go into the review proper, I feel I must state that I still consider this story’s writing to be miles ahead of the anime’s writing that it was inspired by, and while I know that’s not saying much since I consider the quality of that anime to be abysmal (and that is putting it mildly), there is some consolation to be had from that.
There are numerous little details I could pick apart about this narrative, but for the sake of not giving you a review exceeding tens of thousands of words, I will try to keep it to the major issues I’m finding with it.
My first major qualm in the eighty or so thousand words of this story that I’ve read comes from the fact that the narrative wants to spoon feed us all the information to us at once, which becomes really distracting when it breaks the scene’s flow to explain everything that’s happening.
This issue becomes most prevalent over the course of two separate events. During the boss with the Hydra, deep underground -- below the maze in Canterlot -- the cast seemingly defeat it. Just as they’re about to celebrate in victory, Discord pops in and basically says, “Nope! You haven’t defeated it at all, and here’s why.” And goes into an x, y, z explanation that doesn’t quite sound natural coming from Discord. The reader could have easily derived their conclusion from the differences between this end of this fight and the first dungeon boss.
But even that isn’t the most asinine part about this scene. Discord further explains that he orchestrated the events that led to all of the currently known Elements of Harmony down there in the first place. This was all in the name of trying to wipe them out because, as stated in the narrative, with them out of the way the rest of the population stands no chance whatsoever in beating the game. The problem is that, as far as I could tell, it was a mixture of the head admin’s decision to send them on a scouting mission and their own free will that did that. Maybe there was some hocus pocus being pulled over our heads, but I just don’t get the point of divulging that information from a narrative standpoint. All I get from it is “Hey readers, something big is about to happen. Stay tuned to find out more.”
I’d like to clarify that this event is by no means out of character for Discord, despite my note about his dialogue tags. He is known to appear and gloat to the protagonists about how he’s stronger and smarter than them (if we’re going by pre-reformed Discord, as this narrative does), but the whole scene just isn’t meshed together organically to me. And the way the protagonists act as if the reveal is somehow a revelation afterwards isn’t very believable. Of course he’s up to something, he orchestrated the whole thing to get them stuck in the game in the first place!
The other scene that makes me cringe takes place during their assault on the Haters’ Guild. While I do question the use of giant airships to avoid them being seen through the forest - something I suspect would actually be more noticeable - that can at least be justified in that the trees could obscure the Haters’ view of them. What I can’t justify is the portrayal of one of the minor characters’ trauma.
Portraying a minor character’s trauma can actually serve as a means of grounding the reader within the world. There are some narratives out there that do this to great effect.
Here, however, the narrative takes it a step too far. When the trauma is introduced, an intrigue is created alongside it. Jupiter, the head admin, quiets the character’s trauma episode, and he does so in a way that gives the Haters’ Guild some depth. It almost seems like Jupiter has an intimate connection with them in some way, portrayed through his interaction with the character.
The very next scene, which I believe serves absolutely no purpose except to basically fill space, very explicitly telling us why the character is traumatized. Some Hater killed the person’s entire party, and now he’s looking for revenge. This expletive ruined whatever intrigue that had just set up with Jupiter, and further befuddled me as to the narrative purpose the scene provided. Shadow very easily apprehends the Hater and then moves onto fighting one of the main villains in this first arc.
But the most infuriating scene of the narrative, one that causes me to cease all suspension of disbelief beyond repair, comes when the protagonists engage the Queen of the Haters’ Guild.
Let me backup for a moment. As far as my understanding of the anime goes, and correct me if I’m wrong here, there was a minority of players who were reticent to dying within the video game because they lost all hope to go on, and in resigning themselves to their fate, they turn their blame towards anyone and everyone as if they were the ones to trap them there. Regardless of the legitimacy of my statement, this is a very resonating message to send to the audience, the fact that there are these players who are so caught up in their anguish, their misery turns into a toxic hatred that demands they lash out.
Though the narrative left their objective here somewhat ambiguous, this served as the strongest quantifiable measure of the grim stakes our protagonists face.
Then enters Queen, the leader of the Haters’ Guild, and with one glaring statement, made her entire guild look dumb.
Let’s pick this logic apart. Queen joined the haters guild not because she hated the show or was anguished over the fact that she was stuck in the game through no fault of her own, but because her guild was the most likely to win. But what would she be winning at? If her guild manages to accomplish their task, they’d kill off practically every player not in their guild and thus render themselves stranded, assuming that she hasn’t somehow made a deal with Discord to ensure the Haters’ guild’s survival beforehand, which would have felt like an extremely ham-fisted justification for her actions with the story’s development.
The delivery of that statement, while sounds nice and cool on the surface, tells us that this guild is organized, as opposed to being driven by emotion like my previous example suggests, and a logical, organized plan toward self annihilation is faulty logic by its very nature.
The second part of her statement involves the question. How much has the protagonist lost? We as the audience are already aware of what he’s lost. Practically nothing, as far as I’m aware. He lost the life of one admin several dungeons ago with little consequence, but aside from that, there has been very little to really fracture their party, contrary to what that statement says.
Given the final part of her statement, I get the sneaking suspicion that my prediction of her being in cahoots with Discord in return for her and her guild’s freedom is correct, and if that is so, then that fixes a lot of what I have qualms with this scene, although it then goes back to trying to be too forward with the audience as to the direction the plot is taking.
But that still doesn’t fix the other issue I have with this scene, and that’s with its rescue. With the introduction of numerous characters who have very little distinction in my mind aside from their names, and a lack of clear development on their part, this scene provides an excellent opportunity to kill a few of them off. Yet it doesn’t capitalize on this, and the reasoning behind it escapes my understanding.
Two side characters (whose names I can’t even remember, which should be indicative enough by itself to tell you as to how critical their role is), are held up at knife point. Poisonous blades sink into their flesh; Queen had indicated that they would die with no chance of recovery. When Cordon, their leader, goes in guns blazing to attack Queen, he risks his partners lives’, which are somehow miraculously saved by Shadow and his party.
Now, I am all for preserving characters’ lives, for the more fleshed out they are, the harder it is to write around their deaths; if they’re dead, they’re no longer impacting the narrative (by the way, this creates an interesting dynamic all on its own). Here, though, their deaths would have fueled the character development I think this narrative desperately needed to keep the readers’ attention, and here’s why:
Shadow had made a pact to never allow his friends to die after the fall of one of the admins in the first dungeon. It’s a bond that he carries closely with him. Having those characters die right in front of him would be a tremendous weight on his shoulders. The interesting dynamic it’d create would be his inner struggle in facing the fact that his bond, even though it was beyond his abilities to do so, was broken.
At the same time, it’d create a tangible rift between Cordon and him that the audience could relate to. Shadow would also struggle with the hatred bubbling up inside of him.
Cordon, on the other hand, would be knocked down a peg. With their deaths on his hands, he’d come to the realization that power wasn’t everything. For all his bravado about being the strongest player in the game, it still wouldn’t have been enough to save his party, and the resulting interactions between these two opposing characters would have generated a powerful, gut-wrenching resonance from the audience.
For all my analysis on this narrative’s downfalls, there are still plenty of things going for it. It is a remarkably easy and engaging to read. It’s opening chapter does well to draw in the readers’ interest, and the prose is written well enough to keep them wanting to know what happens next. My favorite character, and the only one I can really relate to in the story, doesn’t even play that big of a role, but his presence demands attention in every scene he’s in and for very good reason.
While Jupiter doesn’t go out into dungeons and fight himself, as far as I’ve read, you can really see his inner struggle at preserving the sanctity of the game he envisioned. Every scene he’s in implicitly shows this dynamic, from his outbursts to the party he hosted to lift morale. I wish I had seen more out of other characters that I’d seen in him because I viewed it as truly spectacular.
There are two takeaways I have from this narrative, two questions I wish to pose. Exactly what roles should each of the characters bring to the table and how do they play into strengthening the main protagonist? And what exactly do you want out of the scene, what is that one thing you want the reader to take away from it?
I look forward to reading more, and I sincerely hope this has been helpful.