• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
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Nailah


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T

Flim has come to Ponyville after his brother and only real friend left him by the way side, he goes to Applejack's farm to seek guidance from the farm pony but Applejack doesn't trust him after the two previous experiences and pushes him aside, but Fluttershy is there collecting apples for her animals. She is willing to see what Flim has to say, and learns there is much more to this salespony then meets the eye.
Added Genres: Mystery, Sad. Rated Teen.

Proofread by: Eevee123 and Unfortunately Perverse
Edited by:The One RationalCritic
Thanks to both of you for all the hard work and time you've put into this. It really means oh so much to me.
Cover Art: Credit to:

Miokomata

"Cover Design by Novel-Idea" https://www.fimfiction.net/user/225786/Novel-Idea

Chapters (15)
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Comments ( 32 )

I've seen your post the post on the forum. The story is bit average for me. Another thing is that for a story that supposed to be proofread and edited it has a lot of spacing issues, which I can tell can be annoying at times.

8647753
Thank you for your feedback, I will see what I can do to fix the spacing, I shouldnt' need an editor's help to fix that issue.

Will add it to my bookshelf and give you my opinion later.

Saw your post(I know, a little late) and decided to come check it out. While there are a couple grammar errors here and there, it's a great story overall. Good job!

I am going to track this one and read through tomorrow.

Briefly, in the Applejack section, you fell into Fluttershy's perspective. You might want to rework that section just to keep perspective consistent. There is a point where Flim said "Granny" where it might have been more appropriate for him to say "your Granny". A few missing commas as well. Otherwise good first chapter. There are questions about what went on with the brothers and whether he really is turning over a new leaf. Will leave comments on each chapter.

Applejack still wasn't sure what to think about Flim randomly showing up on her property asking for advice. Of all the nerves! Just who did he think he was trying to fool? She wasn't about to let him get the better of her, he and his brother, the two of them were good for nothing thieves. First they had tried to steal her farm with that machine, and then the issue with Granny and then she had to reunite the two with Fluttershy's help at the Las Pegusus resort only for the two to end up taking over the place. It was just like the two of them, con artists is what they were and the only thing they cared about was how much money they could make, they didn't care about anyone or anything except themselves so why would she believe he actually wanted to start a new? The only thing she couldn't figure out was what sort of scam the two were plotting now. She rubbed her hoof against her chin as she stood thinking as she decided to take a visit over to Fluttershy's, really just to check up on her, but more than that to make sure her friend's kindness wasn't being taken advantage of, and right now that was honestly her worst fear. Fluttershy didn't deserve that, it was awfully sweet of her to offer kindness to any pony, even Discord himself but at least with Discord she knew what she had been getting into. You never knew what you were getting into with those two brothers but then she also wondered what had broken the two off in the first place. There had to be a reason for all this madness and she was going to get to the bottom of it, if it was the last thing she did. She didn't really need much she gathered herself as she hurried over towards the cottage, she was worried but most of all she was concerned for her friend and she stopped in her tracks when she saw Flim in Fluttershy's yard, gathering up her animals into a truck. Immediately she raised her eyebrows at this but for now she would watch and wait to see what was going on. For all she knew Fluttershy might have asked him to help move some of the animals to the resort she had built.

This paragraph seems like it might need to be divided up. Nothing necessarily taken out, just break it into separate paragraphs. I would suggest the sentence beginning "she rubbed her" and another break beginning "She really [didn't] really need"---looks like their might be a missing word there.

Overall good plot development.

How could they not notice her? She was amazing, beautiful, sensitive and willing to lend her hoof to literally anyone that needed help. She herself had said she helped Discord a being of chaos to be a good guy, so Flim was sure if she could do that, then she could help him change as well but he wasn't sure about himself. He still missed his brother, and he was disappointed with how things had turned out. He knew he couldn't change things. Even if he had some sort of time altering device it wouldn't fix anything, besides he didn't need Flam in his life. He was going to prove once and for all that he could stand on his own two hooves. He didn't need no help, but he knew he needed Fluttershy. Applejack didn't trust him, he understood that, but Fluttershy had reached out to him and he had to show her just how grateful he was. He knew she would be happy to have more time to herself and her animals would be well cared for in a zoo, everyone won right? He couldn't help feeling like something wasn't right, that there was simply something he was missing, like the key piece of a complicated one thousand piece puzzle, he rubbed his hoof against his chin deep in thought as he looked over to Fluttershy who was busy staring at the menu trying to figure out what she wanted to eat from the cafe. The waitress had already brought them each a cup of tea.

This is another paragraph that looks like it might be better broken up.

Little confused. Did Flim think he ran a con or that he was doing a good deed?

β€œHmm how interesting. Fluttershy would never send her animals away. She loves and cares for all her creatures, even that devil.” spoke Applejack as she glared at the zookeeper. β€œI reckon ya'll need to return all these here animals back to the cottage, I'll be sure to talk to Flim so you get your bits back, and believe me I'm going to give him a hell of a scolding for this.” explained Applejack clearly very upset. She knew he was up to no good. All that ever came of those two was trouble and where there was trouble there was a heck of a mess to clean up afterwards. She would fix this though, though she had to talk to Fluttershy. Though she couldn't help but pause in her steps. What if what she saw the other day was true? What if Fluttershy was falling for that con artist? Her eyes went wide eyed with horror at the sheer thought. She quickly shook it out of her head but she couldn't ignore the possibility. She really didn't want to hurt Fluttershy's feelings but she wasn't a liar either, she deserved to know what he had done. Applejack sighed, she knew this wasn't going to be easy. She decided to approach the situation cautiously but when she returned to the cottage, Fluttershy wasn't at her cottage when Applejack had arrived to talk to her, but when she did return Flim and here were hoof in hoof. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She shook her head and looked again and it was still the same. Fluttershy really did care for Flim. Oh dear....now she was in trouble. She took a deep gulp of breath and kept herself hidden behind a tree.

This paragraph could use some division. Plus we had a sudden change in paragraph formatting this chapter with an extra space between paragraphs that made them seem exceptionally far apart, far apart I was wondering if it was scene breaks at first.

β€œWhy thank you so much Applejack.” smiled Flim softly. Flim wondered why Applejack always gave him the evil look but at least she wasn't demanding that he get off her land since he had to work here for what he had done. He knew he had caused trouble but he really hadn't meant to. He was able to think a lot about who he was and what his purpose in life truly was. He looked towards the clouds and couldn't help remembering the good ole days when he and Flam would travel from place to place coning ponies into buying their gimmicks and making themselves a hefty nice profit but now he had no bits, no brother and no life. He would make a new life for himself he wasn't going to let his sadness get the better of him, and if Fluttershy was able to believe in him then he could at least try for her if nothing else. The rest of the day went rather well, he even managed to finish all the chores Applejack had assigned to him. He was quite proud of himself but she still wasn't trustful of Flim and asked him to leave at the end of the day. Flim understood and he wasn't about to begrudge Applejack's feelings. Flim headed off the farm but he wasn't ready to head back to Fluttershy's, he wanted to head into Ponyville first. He had to find a job, a real job and one that perhaps he could use his salesman's skills to his advantage. He walked into the town and he couldn't help but note how the ponies gave him suspicious glances. It was easy to see just how the ponies of this town felt about him.

This paragraph needs to be broken up. Noticing a trend of this happening early in each chapter with most of the rest being fine. Guessing this is a result of just writing quickly with fresh inspiration for the chapter. Don't worry too much about fixing it as you are writing, but note that you have a habit of doing so when you look back over your work towards the end of writing each chapter.

Well, looks like it is reaching near the conclusion. Enjoying it.

8717858
Thank you! That means so much to me. :pinkiehappy:

*Start here, 1,000 words to go.

I'm thinking that was a note for your editor? As it doesn't seem to make sense otherwise...

Great story so far! I'm almost caught up! :pinkiehappy:

8760152
Whoops I really need to fix that. Thanks for telling me though!

8760167
You're welcome! :twilightsmile: All caught up now. Can't wait for more!

8760188
Glad, you are enjoying it! Only a few more chapters to write yet. Updates on Tuesday xD.

8760196
Good, not too long a wait then. :twilightsmile: But yeah it has been an interesting read.

JackRipper
Story Approver

Why is the long description bolded? :rainbowhuh:

8858311
Um...I'll fix it! Did you enjoy the story?

Fluttershy nodded and took a sip of her tree. β€œYes I do, and despite all my attempts to help him he didn't want to help himself, finally I got through to him and he's doing a lot better now. I'm sure maybe if you just talked to him again, maybe he could change too.”

So um, was that intentional? XD LOL

Applejack is written nicely and realistic, I like how she reacts. Though, Fluttershy seems a little bit to extrovert though.

Still I like how Applejack is written, good job at that:ajsmug:

I wonder how this incident will resolve though, interesting.

Also, I think there are some spots your editor should have looked closer at.

Well I don't noticed any gramma errors:derpytongue2: Though I am glad I don't have to review this:raritywink:

I like Harry, sleep and hugs, thats a bear :twilightsmile:

Finsihed it.

I like how Flim thinks about the honeymoon:raritywink: And it was a nice idea to let her write that letter.:twilightsmile:

!” smiled Applebloo -- smiled is not a sayism. It should be capped.
β€œFlim...” she glared -- same here. Glaring is not saying. These are two sentences.
advice.” began Flim. -- began can be a sayism yay! But comma, not period, here.
we're -- were
cobbler.” questioned -- comma, not period.
either. I..., he began -- missing close quote.


Need sleep. Gonna read and not edit further.

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