Flim has come to Ponyville after his brother and only real friend left him by the way side, he goes to Applejack's farm to seek guidance from the farm pony but Applejack doesn't trust him after the two previous experiences and pushes him aside, but Fluttershy is there collecting apples for her animals. She is willing to see what Flim has to say, and learns there is much more to this salespony then meets the eye.
Added Genres: Mystery, Sad. Rated Teen.
Proofread by: Eevee123 and Unfortunately Perverse
Edited by:The One RationalCritic
Thanks to both of you for all the hard work and time you've put into this. It really means oh so much to me.
Cover Art: Credit to:
Miokomata
"Cover Design by Novel-Idea" https://www.fimfiction.net/user/225786/Novel-Idea
Chapters (15)
I've seen your post the post on the forum. The story is bit average for me. Another thing is that for a story that supposed to be proofread and edited it has a lot of spacing issues, which I can tell can be annoying at times.
8647753
Thank you for your feedback, I will see what I can do to fix the spacing, I shouldnt' need an editor's help to fix that issue.
Will add it to my bookshelf and give you my opinion later.
Saw your post(I know, a little late) and decided to come check it out. While there are a couple grammar errors here and there, it's a great story overall. Good job!
I am going to track this one and read through tomorrow.
Briefly, in the Applejack section, you fell into Fluttershy's perspective. You might want to rework that section just to keep perspective consistent. There is a point where Flim said "Granny" where it might have been more appropriate for him to say "your Granny". A few missing commas as well. Otherwise good first chapter. There are questions about what went on with the brothers and whether he really is turning over a new leaf. Will leave comments on each chapter.
This paragraph seems like it might need to be divided up. Nothing necessarily taken out, just break it into separate paragraphs. I would suggest the sentence beginning "she rubbed her" and another break beginning "She really [didn't] really need"---looks like their might be a missing word there.
Overall good plot development.
This is another paragraph that looks like it might be better broken up.
Little confused. Did Flim think he ran a con or that he was doing a good deed?
This paragraph could use some division. Plus we had a sudden change in paragraph formatting this chapter with an extra space between paragraphs that made them seem exceptionally far apart, far apart I was wondering if it was scene breaks at first.
This paragraph needs to be broken up. Noticing a trend of this happening early in each chapter with most of the rest being fine. Guessing this is a result of just writing quickly with fresh inspiration for the chapter. Don't worry too much about fixing it as you are writing, but note that you have a habit of doing so when you look back over your work towards the end of writing each chapter.
Well, looks like it is reaching near the conclusion. Enjoying it.
I love this! Great work!
8717858
Thank you! That means so much to me.
I'm thinking that was a note for your editor? As it doesn't seem to make sense otherwise...
Great story so far! I'm almost caught up!
8760152
Whoops I really need to fix that. Thanks for telling me though!
8760167
All caught up now. Can't wait for more!
You're welcome!
8760188
Glad, you are enjoying it! Only a few more chapters to write yet. Updates on Tuesday xD.
8760196
But yeah it has been an interesting read.
Good, not too long a wait then.
Why is the long description bolded?
8858311
Um...I'll fix it! Did you enjoy the story?
So um, was that intentional? XD LOL
You has review.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/402820/the-bricklayer-reviews-second-chances
9631056
Yay! Thank you so much. <3
Applejack is written nicely and realistic, I like how she reacts. Though, Fluttershy seems a little bit to extrovert though.
Still I like how Applejack is written, good job at that
I wonder how this incident will resolve though, interesting.
Also, I think there are some spots your editor should have looked closer at.
Well I don't noticed any gramma errors
Though I am glad I don't have to review this
Well Mauds appearience is nice.
I like Harry, sleep and hugs, thats a bear
Finsihed it.
I like how Flim thinks about the honeymoon
And it was a nice idea to let her write that letter.
!” smiled Applebloo -- smiled is not a sayism. It should be capped.
“Flim...” she glared -- same here. Glaring is not saying. These are two sentences.
advice.” began Flim. -- began can be a sayism yay! But comma, not period, here.
we're -- were
cobbler.” questioned -- comma, not period.
either. I..., he began -- missing close quote.
Need sleep. Gonna read and not edit further.
9797706
I shall edit it! Thanks!
Well this is a pretty interesting start while Applejack and Applebloom are still working on getting the apples Applejack saw flim and of course she wasn't happy to see him but the thing he's alone he's not with flam Applejack didn't know what to think of it but she knows one thing she can't trust him at all but wants to make Applejack believe him that he actually wants to change and he apologized for what happened the last time they visit Ponyville and about granny but of course Applejack still didn't believe him until Fluttershy came around and ask if flim if he wants to go to the house with her so he accepted it plus he still wants to prove to Applejack that he can really change meanwhile at the house Fluttershy and flim having their Tea and she even asked what happened between him and his brother we found out that flam actually kicked flim to the side and not even thinking so now he's on his own no friends no family he's just basically on his own hopefully he's telling the truth that he wants to change