• Member Since 1st Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

JMac


Hi. I'm just some guy, you know.

E

The Chalk Family Cemetery is said to be the most haunted place in all of Equestria. On Nightmare Night eve Miss Cheerilee's class take a guided tour of the cemetery. An old-fashioned ghost story.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 69 )

Spooky. Wait, Oh no! Poor Dusty! I haz a sad now. :applecry:

...Bravo bravo. :pinkiesad2::applecry::fluttercry::fluttershysad::raritydespair:

Not bad, not bad at all. It is a rare day when I see a 'scary' fic that doesn't depend on gruesome murder. A rare, and pleasant, day indeed. This doesn't add anything particularly new to the genre, but it acts as an effective pony analogue to that age old tale that everyone who has ever sat a campfire late into the darkest hours can easily recall. If for no other reason than a breath of fresh air from a medium you would never expect, this fic is wonderful. A common type of story in a place where no one would think to look for it, or find it. Well done, author.

Society of Syntax Socialists,
-Onyx

1975645 Thank you very much. I was trying for 'the next Headless Horse.' I think this may be as close to horror as I'm able to write.

And guys? Please stop crying. It's ok. She's home now.

Very nicely done. I love a good scary story, as long as I am not the one being scared hehe

Alt title: Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, The story.

1975700
These aren't sad tears....

Well, maybe a few sad tears.

Wow. Very nice. It actually felt like a real ghost story. Well done! :twilightsmile:

Spooky and touching. But let's not cry over Dusty. After all, like JMac said...she's home<3 :pinkiesad2::twilightsmile:

Ach, ye're a regular wordsmith, ye are.
Have a 'stache. :moustache:

Spooky, that's for sure. Not that I was scared, mind you. :twilightblush: It was a good, "innocent" scary story.

PPS

An old fashion ghost story.

This makes me think of an ancient, wrinkly Rarity going around haunting people. You probably want "old-fashioned".

:rainbowderp:

:facehoof:
Buck!

Now i'm sad and scared. Good story J Mac,

As always:twilightsmile:

What did you mean by a hairstyle that was 30 years out of date? Like seventies or victorian? Any kind of example you could give?

1979009 Victorian. Ghost tour guides always seem to be in Victorian garb (or is that just Disney's Haunted House?) Seventies would better fit a slasher horror.

I will allow that my descriptions are a bit thin.

So awesome. Reminds me of the "Phantom Hitchhiker Prom Date" urban legend.

1979475 Oh, wow!!!!!!!

Did you notice there's a creepy optical illusion? If you stare at the image for a while Miss Dusty will smile at you.

As much as I love it, I'm not sure I can use it as a header. It's even more obvious about Dusty's true nature than my writing is. On the other hand, the story is so predictable that no amount of spoilers could possibly hurt it. I'll have to think about it.

Honestly, its up to you,
I just like the story style you have. Intresting, original OC's with good writing and story mixed in. It is fertile ground for drawing projects to distract from the crippling boredom that turn hours into years.

Plus i just got a new drawing app, and i really wanted to test it out, alot better than my childish first drawings.

P.S. your writings not perdictadle, i mean you get a bit of forshadow, but its emotonal and fun. Don't out yourself down so much.

Anyways i can alter tye image if you like, any ideas to make it less telling?

“It means we guide her gently home now,” said Applebloom.
“And we keep the lights on for her,” added Sweetie Belle. “So she’ll never be alone in the dark again.”

:pinkiesad2:

That was excellent.

From the beginning when description says that it is "an old-fashioned ghost story" and you find out the where story takes place, you have idea how it will most likely proceed. But that's what's make it so good in the end.
It is indeed bit old-fashioned and common setup, but really beautifully executed story.

My sincere thanks to author: I really enjoyed this.

The foreshadowing in this was done wonderfully!

I loved how you kept the tension up all the way through.

A for Effort review:

Your grammar is nearly perfect, so I won't waste time there.
I think you could have made it a bit longer. Not that it feels short. Its perfect. I'm just saying...

Also, while the inside story of the teacher was wonderfully played, it was a bit at the cost of the real story itself. Ironic isn't it?

Its scary but not gory. Thats a very big pro.

Thats why I'm promoting this story from Under Review to Main folder to be sorted.

2713852 Why, thank you very much.

This was a great story, very much the type you hear around a campfire. A great amount of tension; I'm a sucker for suspense stories, cause I just read the story and enjoy it. I don't really try and guess where it's going. So the end was a great twist moment.

Only thing I'd say to fix would be the indents. Just go back in and make them all the same length, it's not a hard thing to edit, and will really help the flow.

the parasprite sent me here. As is the case with stories he recommends, this did not disappoint. Sure, the true nature of Dusty is obvious early on, but the story doesn't suffer because of it. Rather, I think it makes things hit harder when she tells her story, and encounters that certain elderly couple. Everything she says seems to carry a lot of weight for the reader, although it is mostly lost on the characters at the time. When they finally do understand, it hits like a truck. Those last couple of lines. Wow. A story of terrible death, lost souls, and vengeful spirits couldn't ask for a more bittersweet ending.

Perhaps their discovery and the actions that followed was indeed enough to break the curse, finally bringing closure to Rosemond and her parents. Would she really be able to finally rest knowing that she is still needed to keep the graveyard safe? Maybe she continues to watch over the land, but no longer alone, in the dark.

Oh, wow. That was incredible. Creepy at all the right moments, paced extremely well, and surprisingly touching towards the end. Great job.

1975645

:rainbowhuh:

Society of Syntax Socialists

:pinkiehappy:

"I has can syntax?"

I got goosebumps when i read this. Good story.

Thanks for adding a story.

“The children’s guided was a Miss Dusty, Sir,” said Cheerilee.

"guide".

Hey JMac! Just thought I'd let you know I finished a review on this story! Click here to check it out!

This wasn't in the Library already? Let's fix that...
tinyurl.com/mbho6go

3852354 I was actually surprised as well; I usually don't have time to check what's in and what's not before the folder gets locked. It's always good to see that seal of approval.

3852399
Yeah, but if I had realized it during a lockdown period, I could have done something about it anyway. Privileges of being an admin and all that...

Bravo... bravo....

Comment posted by Surprise The Pegasus deleted Feb 28th, 2014

This story has been reviewed at Society of Unappreciated Talent

Reviewed by: Surprise The Pegasus

Well...this was certainly something, I must say. Something that most definitely deserves more recognition. There were more than a few things that I thought were enjoyable about this, and one of them was the excellent grammar, spelling, and punctuation use. I'm a nazi when it comes to this kind of thing, and all I can do is applaud you. You used indentation for dialogue, used the quotation marks and commas correctly, and had proper capitalization. The word choice was rather...strange at spots, however.

"Dusty looked to Cheerilee exactly like a cemetery guide on Nightmare Night."

<This is one of the only things I found that was off. This particular sentence doesn't really flow with the rest of the paragraph, and it was placed rather oddly. But, other than that, and this spelling error:

"The children’s guided was a Miss Dusty, Sir,” said Cheerilee.

(It should be "guide", not "guided"), all I have to say about this is the good stuff :raritywink:.

For one thing, the names of the Chalk family sound old-fashioned, which is good because they lived so long ago, and they sound like they're family. And jeez, was that creepy in the right spots! If I were those school foals, I would be pretty scared, too. Speaking of those school foals, they acted like themselves, which is great.

Good ghost character, by the way! She acts like a ghost would, sad and detached from others. Not vengeful, but sorrowful. I like it ;)

Overall, it was well paced with good grammar, and I only caught one spelling error. And the feels, oh my god...the story was "chalk" full of feels!

Final Evaluation

Category: Appreciation Needed!

Rating: 7/10

-Surprise of the S.U.A.

Sent me shivers up my spine! Great story!:rainbowderp:

I see that you submitted this to "The Closest of Friends."

While it is definitely a great story, I am unsure of how it fits into the group. I mean with your Quizical stories I can see how close she is with Sweetie Belle, but I don't see anything like that here.

If I am missing something please tell me.

4080842 No, frankly I can't even recall my reasoning (yes, the kids in the story are friends, but that's certainly not what it's about). That you for pointing this out. I've withdrawn it.

I truthfully don't ever remember favoriting this... I just found it buried in the last few pages of my favorites. Since I've been trying to catch up on and read pretty much all of the stories in my favorites I thought 'Why the hell not... I might not remember it but it looks interesting.' I was not disappointed my friend. :pinkiesmile:

4454761 Thank you for your fair and kind review.

But the tour wasn't over 2 years before, it was two only hours. Cheerilee and the class came to the cemetery directly from their previous stop (which ran late) and did not know they had missed the last tour of the evening.

Possible spoiler warning, I'll conclude at the start.
This is really good, though, I didn't come out sad, rather, I just really liked Dusty as a character, (here come the spoilers:) and the other characters (with the exception of that one at the end, who told the story a bit too, plainly, you could have missed the part when he explained that he was her student, the choker would have been enough.) and I'm a twist spotter, so that twist kinda jumped out at me about half way through.
Something about the start discouraged me, but I wouldn't call myself a reviewer if I didn't read the whole story. You have to press on to reach the good bits.

4470387 Thank you for your very fair review. The character at the end is there mainly to offer a rebuttal to Dusty's confession that "she was a terrible teacher." That was an honest statement, it really is how she thought of herself. But for some reason it bothered me, even more than her ultimate fate! So, I had the old groundskeeper say a few redeeming words, to let it be known that she was remembered more fondly by her students than Dusty believed. I'm too much of a softy for sad fiction, let alone horror, I guess.

4471815
I think I expanded on the forums, if you haven't already, check that out!

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