• Member Since 19th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen February 9th

Shadowflame


It's been a while, but I'm back home! Don't know when I'll write something for this site again, but enjoy my other stuff in the meantime!

T

Congratulations, Equestria Legends Online is now side-story compatible: These other authors would love your support in their own adventures in this virtual world. You can find them in The Equestria Legends Online Fan Group, located here.

It's the year 2020, and millions of people are raving about the new game console known as Nervegear, which will literally take a player's mind into the game. But thousands of bronies are raging about a new pony game made for the Nervegear. After several months of waiting, the game is released, as a way for the players to actually travel to Equestria as ponies themselves.

But... things become screwy when Discord appears. Whether it was in the game design or not, this being of chaos has gained control over the virtual Equestria, trapping every brony wearing Nervegear inside the game. However, there is one way to get out. The bronies in the game must find and acquire the Elements of Harmony, which Discord has hidden throughout all of Equestria. But there is one drawback: If a player dies in the game, then the Nervegear will fry their brains in the real world, killing them on the spot. If they die in the game, they will die in the real world.

This idea was given to me from the Japanese Anime, "Sword Art Online." Please, no hate comments or dislikes for this fact. At least read the first chapter before outright disliking it.
Thanks to Raybony for making the cover art for this story.

Chapters (48)
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Comments ( 853 )

Reads description. Cool :pinkiehappy:

Continues reading, finds part where bronies die IRL if they die in game. :twilightoops:

Let the games begin... :pinkiecrazy:

Awesome... Must wait till the next chapter comes out. I'm eagerly waiting. :pinkiehappy:

Oh yeah and there are also some mistakes, but only typos.

<- Loves SAO
Loves Ponies.
....Dis gon be gud:moustache:

I really like the whole premise of this; it's a breath of fresh air from some of the more "normal" fanfics even though it's moderately a self-insert.
Though I enjoyed "Nervegear," I feel like a little more capitalization into NerveGear would be fine as well. Also, the name "Brony Game Online" sounds terribly gimmicky and not quite thought out. I know the timeframe must be a little strange to fit the futuristics of technology and modern MLP (Closest we'll get is the Xbox 720), but 2020 seems a reasonable compromise if there was the end of the recession and a jump in technological breakthroughs.
While the writing feels a bit unpolished, I must say that I've thoroughly enjoyed this reading and the initial idea. Hope writing the next parts goes well and that you gain some attention!
Also, as a curiousity, is the MLP universe of the game devoid of show characters? I'd say it should be, since the eight year jump would add too much to the show to make it plausible.

I'm really lucky that my family didn't come rip off my NerveGear. They totally would've in the real world, leaving me brain dead.
Awesome, awesome work! I even feel like you got my personality really good as well. :yay: Can't wait to read more. If you need anything more, you know where to find me.

Seems really promising and I'm liking it so far. The Anime was great and was surprised when I read the description to this. I was like "Holy Shit. Why didnt I think of this?" So I'm glad you did. As for the story so far, I didnt see any grammar errors that I can think of.
My opinions:
1. I dont think Hasbro would call a game called "Brony Game Online" I personally would of called it "MLP Online" "Equestria MMO (EMMO) Or something.
2. Like the characters so far. They're not beta testers, or know the game at all.
3. I've seen fics that use the Communities OCs. And I think that this story could use that to its benefit. Use them as minor players that you either kill off during boss fights and quests, or Supportive roles for your character.
4. Dont make your character over powered during this story. A good Main character has flaws. And must be exploited.
5. I'd say throw in some Romantic interests, because I like a little Romance in the stories I read. BUT, its your story so do what you will.

But all in all it seems good so far, and I look forward to reading more.

i like it but some people would complain that they cant be their ocs that are not ponies, like dragons for example but so far i like it

!world chat *Someone 1* : erryone roll priests
!world chat *Someone 2* : ya rly!
!world chat *Someone 3* : lol dicksword, u mad?

2001286 He's trying to play with sword art online with a wee bit of changes here or there.

This is such an awesome idea and I can see this being a great adventure ! :twilightsmile:
Still a few spelling errors but not to bad.

This looks promising. Will follow.

2001437
No, I'm sorry. As much as I love Minecraft, there is no redstone.:trollestia:

2001476>>2001286
I agree with you on the fact that the name needs to be changed, so if you have any good ideas, please tell me.

I found the anime SAO somewhat underwhelming and unimaginative... and I hope the same doesn't apply to this. I was just joking that the most popular VRMMO in the world following the events of SAO/ALO was the 'Pony Art Online' game, so imagine my chuckles when I saw this one. :rainbowlaugh: So I'm going into this with a little bit of prejudice, but it seems like you have a good starting point. I'll be keeping tabs :raritywink: Best of luck!

OH! And have a thumbs up from me!

Gee, I wonder where I've heard of a plotline like this before.:rainbowwild:
Virtual reality gear as well?

2010133
Tell me what you didn't like about Sword Art Online. I've know a couple of people who don't like it either and I can't understand why. If I know what you dislike, then I'll see what I can do to make it better.:rainbowdetermined2:

I'm pretty sure this is like, the exact plot the original .hack games. Not necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.

2010222

Nah, Sword Art Online and .Hack are actually quite different in the way they approach things. For one thing, people trapped in SAO are still completely aware and in-control in the game world. From what I recall, that most certainly isn't the case in .Hack. There's also the consideration that it's a question of sheer magnitude--the problems of SAO are much more expansive than those of .Hack, in that they effect literally everyone playing the game.

They share some similar ideas, but the details serve to neatly set them apart from one another.

Since this is based on SAO, it should turn out rather differently than the games of the .Hack universe.

Hm. Not too bad actually. Although the idea isn't exactly "orginal" (Yu-Gi-Oh, countless other animes, Tron), it's still an amusing one. :twilightsmile:

I did notice a couple things that could've be fixed up/improved upon. If you have any questions about 'em, just reply or send me a OM, and I'll be glad to clarify.

1. Lack of character
The main character, as well as his friend could use some expanding upon. They don't have too many character traits, and judging from the first chapter, are exact replicas of each other. They could also use a backstory that motivates their desires. For example, perhaps the reason why the speaker is so eager to play his game because he is trying to escape the problems and stress he has in the real world. Perhaps his parents are getting a divorce, or his brother died in a car accident. Something else you can add are quirks that make your character memorable. He could tap his foot (or hoof) when he's idle, or daydreams often, or like one of my favorite characters from the book Cracker!, does eye exercises because it's supposingly "good for him". Fears would also be a good area to improve and soon conquer as he plays through the game. Fear of spiders or heights are common ones, but the best would to be able to connect it to the character's backstory. One example could be his parents are getting a divorce, so he's afraid of getting into a relationship because of it.

2. Motivations and Goals
Give your characters something to strive for! Perhaps one of them wanted to become the best player on the server, or just wants to make friends. Simply the fear of death might not be enough. If you'd want to make Discord a deeper character, you can also give him a motivation why he took over the system. He has been programmed that way, but look at GlaDos and how developed she was! Maybe Discord was abused and toyed with while the programmers were making him, and this was his way of getting back. Also, it would be good for Discord to set a time limit. The players can simply decide not to play and camp in Ponyville while all of the monsters paw and scratch on the outside. Maybe after the time limit's up, he'll set a monster loose that can destroy the safe zones, or even disable them all together. Or just have everyone die at the time limit, your decision.

3. Keep it fresh!
This isn't much criticism for this chapter, but more like advice for the future. Don't trash what you did by simply having them go to huge epic battles with different monsters when they search for the Elements. Keep character development between these battles, and add new things! Romance, like what 2001476 said, would be an awesome idea. Perhaps you can have him and his friend fight over the girl, and then have the best friend join Discord's from the band when your speaker gets the girl. Try to come up with new ideas every chapter, and I HIGHLY recommend keeping the reader at a cliffhanger at every chapter. If you do this right, your readers will always be begging for more, and consequently, get you more likes and even followers.

Just follow those, and you'll have one awesome story on your hooves. Just reminding you, if you need any clarification on these, I have some links that could help out. A bit much from someone who has no reputation whatsoever, but hey.

Good luck, and I'll see ya around! :raritywink:

Lol, I would never play that game, i'd rather play Gears of War 3 and rage until I was driven off to the insane asylum.

2010176

In the case of the anime, at least, there are a few issues I had with it. Bear in mind, I was already a little sour on it due to the great expectations laid out for me.

Pacing - In the anime everything went too quickly. It skipped over zones by a wide margin leaving a huge sense of all that we haven't seen instead of letting us focus on what we have. The entire show ends way too quickly with with Kirito being allowed to bypass all that which he could not destroy.

Combat - the fights were flashy, but largely they were short affairs that consisted of puffs of smoke obscuring what was going on and ridiculous high-speed slashing that typically killed enemies in a single blow or only a few.

Overpowered? Yus. - Kirito spent the entire series in a state of "I can kill anything and everything" without any real exposition of why he was just so good at this game. The fact that he was a beta tester doesn't mean much if he only made it to floor 7/100. The only times his power wasn't sufficient was for climax moments which usually resolve by him overpowering the enemy ANYWAYS.

Uninspired - Everything from the scenario itself (trapped in a game) to the creator (Kayabe, and later Sugou) wasn't particularly interesting. They didn't really go out of their way to give any more depth either, besides minor hinting. The focus was mostly on the Superman-like Kirito smashing through anything and everything until he found some kryptonite and was weakened for a few seconds.

Distractions - The entire point of the show was actually a failing in my eyes. I found myself thinking so much about the video game aspect, prevalent as it is in life bars and all the MMO lingo, that I was having a hard time focusing on the story of Kirito's progression. Not sure yet if it would've suffered or benefited from going even further and adding giant damage numbers whenever they hit things. In the end, the "this is a game" side just distracts from the "this is a story" side.

I have a few other complaints, like the lack of info on the real lives of the characters, the fact that their romance had little to no progression, or that the sudden shift from SAO, to real life, to ALO, to real life, was pretty jarring (like ALO was just an afterthought). However, I've probably provided a long enough wall of text here. xD

On a more pony-related note, I noticed you're using Discord as the main villain. Not my favorite choice, but it is what it is and he's a good one for the job. Just watch out for motive, because it's always a letdown when the villain's motive at the end of everything is, "just because", and Discord is a very 'just because' sort of guy.

This is actually a really challenging concept to work with in terms of the pacing and character balance issue, so I give you kudos for even going at it. Like I said, I'll be keeping tags, and I'm eager to see what you come up with. :twilightblush:

*awaits TL;DR comments*

This story is average just because the material that you used. Personally sword art online was a horrible horrible anime that I should have never watched. The only enjoyable parts in this anime were the boss battles or as gigguk would say. IT'S SHIT!

I thought this was going to be Board Game Online.

:c

That game is great.

Snap. This is epic. What can I do to get in there? LOL. :derpytongue2:

2011651
Read my last blog post. The one that says, "Brony Game Online Readers."

2013941
I will be, but this is a story line that needs to be thought out carefully, just so I don't miss anything crucial to the plot.:rainbowdetermined2:

Comment posted by afterceasetoexist deleted Jun 1st, 2013

You mite want to put a alternate universe and dark tag on the story if your going to have Discord killing off characters like on SAO. You also mite want to put a sad tag if we get to know one of them.

Wow, this sounds like its gonna be good, but its late so I'll read it tomorrow

This is incredible! Especially for a story of OC's. This could be like the next Conversion Bureau or something!

2123191
Yep. I'll be posting chapter two this weekend, just so you know.

Man, I just sat there like a wimp, waiting for the blow to hit me? Laaame. Oh well. Hopefully I'll do better in the next fight.

Huzzah, I knew the first element is in the Everfree Forest.

Awesome! Quick question though, could my oc be a dragon or does it have to be a pony?

2127205
Hey, you were staying focused on getting out of the way of the first blow. Those Timber wolves are fast after all.:rainbowdetermined2:

2127759
hm... I think that I may be able to work something in. Send me your OC, and I may be able to think something up.:rainbowdetermined2:

2127832 :facehoof: I somehow managed to interpret that as "I dodged then froze in fear as the second blow approached". After re-reading it, that sounds more like it. :eeyup:

Do you need a back-story for the OC being there in the game?

2127965
Yes, your character should have some kind of a back story. Although, if you can't think up anything, just leave that to me. Just PM me if you want your OC in the story.

Awesome work. :pinkiehappy: I hope that your future chapters will be just as good (and long hopefully) as this one was. Although in the future, don't have them fight bosses so often. I found with my first story that it's easy to accelerate a plot to the point that there's no point in even reading the story. Just be careful, and you'll be fine. :rainbowlaugh:

Also, there's some typos. Darkened5ky is always spelled wrong; you spell it as Darkend5ky. Please fix those. Otherwise, there's pretty much nothing.

Finally, I'm remaking my OC because it looks weird. I'll PM you when I'm done. :pinkiecrazy:

2128918
Well, Caleb, I only had them fight the boss in chapter two, but I'm not going to have them fight another boss until like... chapter five. Somewhere around there.

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