Like a stallion terrified of having children, they pulled me out of retirement. I was the best Special Agent they had, which was saying a lot, because I'm about as effective at my job as a mime having a stroke, and only half as hilarious. But I've been called upon to serve my nation again, and like the gift of surprise fellatio, I am bound to serve my nation well, and hopefully without any of the implied sexual humiliation. So I gotta buckle up and prepare for survivor's guilt, just like the time I had to go up against those racially-biased SAT questions involving graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content.
When you're in a noir situation like mine, you could only think in metaphors and similes.

Seriously, a lot.

(Now with a Spanish translation by the generous SPANIARD KIWI!)

King Sombra’s dark influence was obliterated by the Crystal Heart, and the villain is well and truly dead. But when he attempts to steal the afterlife of an innocent victim, a human spirit is left hurtling towards Equestria, where this unfortunate soul is revived into the only vessel available: the reconstituted body of King Sombra himself.

Thus, a cheerfully oblivious alien is crammed into the form of the most evil and malicious being Equestria has ever known. Not that Shining Armor and Cadence know this, of course. As far as they are concerned, the King is back and he’s lost his fricking mind.

Click here for the TV Tropes page!

You'd think that being trapped in stone would mean that, if nothing else, I could get some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, it seems that Celestia has other ideas.

She has appointed these ponies... these 'Keepers', as she calls them, to keep me entertained during my incarceration.

Honestly? I'd prefer the boredom.

Cover art by matrosha123
Spanish Translation by SPANIARD KIWI found here

If you came to hear a story, I’m sorry to disappoint. I suspect this’ll just end up as one big confession, really. When you’re the first Teutscher to set hoof into Equestria, I suppose that’s to be expected. And when you’re the universe’s favorite chew toy, doubly so. Still, with enough wit, some Prussian ingenuity, a droll sense of humor, and wanton murder, I might just survive this. Then again, when you’re going up against an unending list of things like government conspiracies, that guardian angel who keeps telling you to kill ponies, psycho Equestrian girls with allophilia, a lunatic princess, the legions of the Inferno, the Equestrian culture itself, swashbuckling sword fights, and laissez-faire economists, you begin to realize why there’s a big “if” in the middle of your life.

Your thoughts/critiques/deathreats are welcome in the comments. Spoilers are also encouraged. If you don’t have anything to complain about, do please tell me what you liked so I know what worked.

Now on TV Tropes. Posted on the Equestria Daily 5/28/13. Now in ePub format for your convenience.

I used to live on a place called Earth, where things were pretty reasonable. I had a job, I went to school, and life was pretty much normal.

After a night of revisiting Resident Evil 3: Nemesis with my friend, we got an idea. Comic Con was coming up, why not go as one of the most feared things in gaming history? A few days pass and bam, I'm decked out in Nemesis' signature overcoat/power limiter with the look to match. Damn shame we didn't have the time to make his signature rocket launcher though...

As luck would have it, a merchant behind one of the stalls had a perfect replica. I really shouldn't have taken that thing...

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Yet another character in the League of Humans Acting Villanous. I know it's late. Forgive me.

Inspired by stories like
Headless, not Heartless

and

The Rise of Darth Vulcan

Also, rated teen for language and violence.

Editing done by Doccular42 and Salacar

I was known as Frank DeFontaine. I was going to a Halloween party. I was a pretty intelligent kid, starting my first college term, and decided a little dress-up couldn't hurt.
My buddy Richard got involved, though. And like everything, he took it a bit too far. This time, I didn't say no, though. I really should have.
Next thing I know, we're going all-out on making my Dullahan costume. Because he's my favorite optional boss, and all.
Really shoulda known something was up when that guy behind the counter just so happened to have a sword that fit our specifications perfectly.
Next thing I know, I'm in Equestria. And I'm missing a head.
Sakes, I could use a drink. And a neck.
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Featured on 2/19/2014.
I'd like to leave it at "Holy mother of-!" but that doesn't capture what I'm feeling!

Greetings weary traveler/bored reader. Let me regale you with my tale. The tale of a mere mortal, with nothing particularly special to his name, brought to a magical land of dragons, minotaurs, griffins, and of course ponies. But he came as no mere human. He came as the epic warrior, the manliest of swordsmen, that most dashing of multiverse travelers, the mighty Gilgamesh! What adventures will this powerful and magnificent warrior find in his travels? HELL IF I KNOW! LET'S STRAP IN AND SEE WHERE THIS GOES!

Looking for cover art if anyone's interested.

Crossovers with:
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User

Golden Graces, Headless Headaches

I Will Hunt You Down

A Thousand Tortured Souls Scream My Name

Gravity of the Situation

Land of Friendship and Magic

And Then There Were 10… Er… 67

Son of Invention

Ten Against One

Time Ticks On

Let's Just Say That Umbra Really Needs to Put a Lock On His Diary

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May 25, 2014: I GOT FEATURED! HOLY CRAP THANK YOU SO MUCH!