//------------------------------// // Stop Hitting Yourselves! // Story: The Mighty Warrior of Epicness // by shinigamisparda //------------------------------// "I must admit, I was surprised when I found out. Never did I expect you to take this route," the zebra said, reading the newspaper. A Classical Barbarian? "Symphony of the Year" Brought by None Other than Gilgamesh "Hey, I'm surprised that Vinyl wanted me to do it, too. I hope Octavia isn't too angry with her," I said as I sipped some more zebafrican red tea. Goddamn, I will never get tired of this shit. "Hopefully it will be naught but a lover's spat, and they will soon both be together in the sack." If I didn't remember I was drinking the nectar of the gods and forced myself not to, I would've done a spit take. Instead I gulped the drink down before turning to stare at Zecora, her mouth stretched into a mischievous grin. "…I had no idea you were a fan of that kind of humor." "Why, because I rhyme? I dabble from time to time." "Heh, I'll keep that in mind… now you've got me doing it." She chuckled. "Well then my friend, do you have plans before this day is at an end?" "I'm mostly keeping myself open to see how Celestia and Luna are going to react to this most recent development. I made an idiot out of myself at the Crystal Empire, but Twilight caught me using it as a distraction to retrieve one of my weapons, so I wouldn't be surprised if they're still suspicious of me, even with the concert. I'm sure by now they know I'm hiding in the Everfree so I suppose it's just a matter of seeing if they'll come to find me. In the meantime, I think I'll explore the forest a bit more. Don't have the whole thing memorized." I set down the empty teacup. "Thanks again for the tea, Zecora." "Goodbye and I wish you well. Remember you can always rest here for a spell." "I'll keep that in mind. Goodbye for now," I said before squeezing my way out of doorway. I had found the Everfree Forest to be a much bigger place than I expected, and learning its ins and outs was proving difficult the more and more I ventured away from Ponyville. After a few hours I had found a particularly thorny part of the forest, though that wasn't really a problem for me what with the whole armor thing and all. Still, this seems familiar for some reason. I found a boulder and for fun jumped on top of it, only for it to fall out under me. I ended up falling into a hole, bumping back and forth as I fell before entering into an underground cavern. The boulder simply fell down and stopped. I wasn't so lucky and instead fell into a pool of water. I scrambled for breath as I swam to the top before gasping as I reached the surface. "Gah! Well, that was unexpected." "What was?" I froze as I slowly turned to look at the one who spoke… in my voice. I saw a perfect copy of myself, down to the last detail staring at me. Oh shit, it's the Mirror Pool. "You look strong. Wanna fight?" "Um, actually, I'm kinda busy, so if you don't mind-" I began. "Too bad!" my copy shouted before unclipping his naginata and swinging it at me. I barely managed to unclip my Genji Shield and block it, but the force was enough to send me back into the Mirror Pool before bouncing out the other side. Oh great, just like how Pinkie's clones were a bunch of inconsiderate fun-seekers, this guy's just a battle-nut. I've got to take him down fa- My thought were cut off as I took a blow to the head that sent me crashing into the wall. I managed to see that another Gilgamesh had been created, likely when I was smacked back into the water. As my consciousness began to fade I saw them both stare each other down before jumping at each other… and then falling into the Mirror Pool. This… can only end… badly... were my final thoughts before I clonked out. "Wait, so you mean you've actually been meeting with him since what he did after the Mare-Do-Well incident?" Twilight asked, completely stunned. "Yup. Been a while, right?" Vinyl answered simply. "No kidding. I can't believe some of the things I was doing back then," Rainbow Dash added, remembering the extent her ego went to her head. "A lot has happened since then, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Hay, we didn't even know that Twi had a brother!" "Nor that the fabulous Crystal Empire even existed!" Rarity chimed. "Excuse me, but can we please focus? I'd like to get this issue resolved as soon as possible," Octavia butted in. "That way I'll at least only have one problem in my life." "Aw come on, Tavi, you're not that mad are you?" Vinyl asked. The cellist simply huffed and kept trotting. This morning Octavia could barely even wash up without hearing the screeching of paparazzi attempting to bang down the door to their hotel room. Thankfully the Princesses had posted several Guards to deter them and were kind enough to teleport them out of their room and back home. Unfortunately she had also asked them to find Gilgamesh so they could talk to him, and had the Elements of Harmony go along for the ride. "Ooh! Ooh! Twitchy tail!" Everypony quickly turned to Pinkie before moving under whatever they could, looking towards the sky. "What could possibly be falling from the sky out h-?" Twilight began before they heard screaming. Soon a titanic figure crashed into the ground, destroying all the trees along its way. "Oh my goodness!" Fluttershy squeaked as a dust cloud began to rise. The figure groaned as it arose. "Ugh. That sucked." "G-Gilgamesh?" Octavia asked. The being rose and looked to them. "Hey, you wanna fight?" "W-What?" "Let's fight then!" The warrior swung his weapon at the stupefied mare only for Vinyl tackle her to the ground before she suffered any damage. "WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU DOING!?" the DJ shouted. "Fighting! It's fun! You should try it!" he responded before slamming the weapon down on them, only to hit dirt. A violet flash came from behind, as Twilight and the two musicians came out of teleportation. "I don't know what's going on, but RUN!" she shouted, and all the others followed suit, galloping back to Ponyville, with the crazed fighter hot on their heels. "Sister, just calm yourself." "How can I!? I just let my student and her friends go and meet with that warrior and I didn't even send them with the Elements or with some guards as backup!" Luna sighed as she watched her sister pace back in forth in the middle of Ponyville, her motherly instincts running wild. It was the Lunar diarch's idea to send them unarmed and unguarded as a show of peace, something her sister was not at all keen on. "Celestia, please, you're making our subjects nervous." Luna explained, motioning toward the ponies who looked on, their expressions equally worried. Celestia took a deep breath to relax before sitting down. "I'm... I'm sorry, its just that-" "Don't worry, Celestia, I'm a little worried too, but I'm holding it together," Spike said, twiddling his claws. "I mean, I know he can be scary, but he was pretty nice to me at least." "Yes, Twilight told me." "Spike is right, dear sister. I'm sure we can have faith in-" "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" All faces turned to see the eight mares galloping back into town. "I-I'm sure there's a-" Luna began hesitantly, only to be interrupted by a loud voice. "Get back here so I can beat the snot out of ya!" "You were saying?" Celestia retorted, drawing her zweihander and war hammer. Luna groaned. "Well, we did prepare just in case," she replied, levitating her gladii and standing on her hind legs to hold her halberd. Celestia moved first and hurled her hammer at Gilgamesh's head, who was completely oblivious to it until it slammed into him and sent him tumbling along the road. Celestia almost faltered, noting how odd it was for him to be so unaware, before summoning the hammer back to her and unleashing the Royal Canterlot Voice. "GILGAMESH, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST EQUESTRIA! LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AT ONCE AND WE WILL SHOW MERCY!" she shouted, though not as powerful as she could have to avoid harming her little ponies. The warrior groaned as he got up. "Ugh, what was that?" He shook his head before noticing the two alicorns. "Wow, you're some pretty big ones, aren't you? I bet you'll put up a great fight!" he declared, hopping to his feet. Celstia and Luna were both stunned by that response. It was almost as if he didn't recognize them. They shook themselves from their stupor quickly before flaring their power. Both their eyes shone white. Celestia's mane and tail turned bright yellow before she was engulfed in flames. Luna's mane and tail turned pitch black while the stars shone brighter. Darkness rose in wisps from her hooves as sparks for electricity came from her snout as she snorted. "THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE! SURRENDER AT ONCE!" Luna shouted. "Ah, stuff it will ya?" he replied before charging at them and swinging his spear. Celestia leaped over the swing and Luna ducked under it before the two attacked him simultaneously, Luna striking his legs with her gladii, causing him to stumble, while Celestia struck him in the head with her hammer. As he fell through the air she struck him with her sword, sending him higher, giving Luna a chance to teleport above him and thrust her halberd at him, sending him to the ground and making a massive crater. The warrior groaned as he rose. "Heh. Not bad. Let's keep this going!" he shouted before jumping at the still hovering Princesses. The both quickly teleported behind him and hit him with a blast of magic that sent him to the ground once again. "Sister, something doesn't feel right about this," Luna said, as she watched the warrior rise again. "I know. I also noticed something was off, but we can't worry about that now. Just focus on stopping him." The battle that lasted the next half-an hour was not grand or majestic or any word of praise. The Princesses superior teamwork and Gilgamesh's utter lack of his usual competence led to a continual one-sided beating. However, even as they constantly stood above, the Princesses were still exhausted by the time he finally fell. "You… bitches…" were his last words before he fell to his face. Both of the Princesses panted as their magical displays began to receed. As the silence reigned the other ponies gathered to see the victory their rulers had achieved. "We... we won," Celestia said in a releived tone, a smile forming on her face as she seathed her weapons. "No," Luna muttered. "It can't be. This isn't him." "What? Luna, what are you-?" "This isn't Gilgamesh. Somehow, I know this isn't him. His moves had no subtelty to them, he used no magic, he didn't even transform." "Luna, I understand it's a bit much to take in, but-" "And those last word, that insult, was the final proof I needed," she interrupted. "W-What do you mean?" Luna turned to her sister. "A millenium ago, after our first confrontation with him, I went out to confront him myself as you recovered." "I remember. It was perhaps the most foolish thing you've ever done." "I never told you what happened. What he told me after my defeat." "'What he told you'?" 1598 Years Ago Luna groaned as she attempted to rise from the ground, struggling against the pain in her body as blood trickled down her lips. "Haha! What a fight! To think you could provid such a challenge, not only alone but injured as well!" Gilgamesh complimented, applauding her efforts. "Though you may be the weaker of the two sisters in terms of physical power and magical prowess, you are most certainly the one who has the greater warrior's spirit! I can't wait to see what kind of Princess you will be in the future!" "Geh… Do not be… so full of thyself,… barbarian… We shall not stop… nor yield… until thou art defeated." she strained to say. She coughed a bit more blood up. "We look forwards… to seeing thy reaction… upon thy defeat." "'My reaction', you say? I'm afraid if you were expecting me to cry and whine, you won't be getting such a thing. If you were to beat me, I would congratulate you." "'Congratulate'? What madness… doth thy speak of?" "Princess Luna, I have no plans for the future. I care not for wealth or status. I do not seek to control the world. I do not even care for victory. I seek only the thrill of the fight, the burning of clashing souls, and even in defeat I can find happiness. The only thing that could make me upset is if I were to lose without providing an adequate challenge for the one who defeated me. So train hard, Mistress of the Night, so I may congratulate you on your achievement one day! Become stronger, Princess Luna!" "'Not even victory?'" Celestia asked, shocked to hear such a thing. "This being insulted us upon its defeat. That alone is enough proof that he is not the warrior with whom we have clashed so many times." "Then, who could this possibly-?" "Hey!" The entire town turned towards the Everfree only for their eyes to widen in horror as they saw another Gilgamesh. "He got his ass kicked!" "Hey, he did!" "Was it those two over there?" "I think so! They must be strong!" The ponies' horror only grew as they saw three more Gilgameshes show up. "I'm gonna fight them!" "No, I'm gonna fight them!" "No, me!" "Hey, what's going on here?" "Is there I fight? I want in!" Sweat began to stain Twilight's coat as dozens of Gilgameshes began to appear from the Everfree. "The Mirror Pool. He found the Mirror Pool," she said under her breath. "Twilight, use the zappy thing you did on all the other me's to make them go away!" Pinkie shouted. "Huh? Oh, right!" Twilight fired the spell she learned before. It struck one of the Gilgameshes, only to have no effect. "Huh? What was that?" he asked in confusion, only for his train of thought to be interrupted by a fist in his face and went back to squabbling amongst his clones. "W-Why didn't it work?" Twilight stuttered. She fired the spell again, this time at the clone that had been defeated by the Princesses, and it worked, turning him into a wisp before sending him back to the pool. "I guess he's too strong for it to work, and he has to be weakened first." "But even if these ones are just copies, they're still incredibly powerful," Luna explained. "We've been exhausted by dealing with just one, we couldn't possibly defeat this many." "Maybe we won't have to," Celestia began. "Just look at them all fighting each other. If they defeat each other, then we can simply deal with the stragglers and-" Suddenly a massive bang rang out and one of the Gilgameshes was sent hurling into town hall, knocking it over. "…Or, they could end up destroying Ponyville before that ever happens," she corrected herself. "W-What do we do, Princesses?" Twilight asked, her mane beginning to unfurl. "How can we possibly deal with-" Suddenly a shout rang out alongside music as trees began to topple. Within moments something burst out of the forest, sending the clones flying into the air. By the time they crashed back to earth the being had stopped in front of the Princesses and the Elements, panting heavily. "G-Gilgamesh?" Luna suttered, finally getting a good look at the creature in front of her. The warrior took a deep breath before turning to face the rising clones, spinning his naginata before speaking. "I AM THE MIGHTY WARRIOR WHO HAS BESTED ARMIES, DRAGONS, ARMIES OF DRAGONS, AND EVEN THE INCARNATIONS OF THE SUN AND MOON THEMSELVES!" he began before pointing his weapon at his clones. "AND YOU PALE IMMITATIONS ARE NOT WORTHY OF BEARING MY NAME MUCH LESS MY GLORIOUS VISAGE! AND YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT WORTHY OF THOSE SCARVES AROUND YOUR NECKS! YOU BRAIN-DEAD BASTARDS WANT A FIGHT!? THEN COME AND GET IT!" The clones all stared at each other for a moment before drawing their weapons. "CHARGE!" They shouted as they stampeded towards the town. "Whoa nelly!" Applejack exclaimed, backing up along with the rest of the entire town. "THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" Lily screamed. Gilgamesh squatted down before rocketing off straight into the sky, far out of view. The clones all stopped and looked up, before looking to each other and muttering in confusion. Celestia, on the other hoof, knew exactly what was going to happen. "Everypony run!" she shouted before dashing to the opposite end of town, all of the other ponies following her. Soon a whistling sound came as Gilgamesh descended back to earth. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" The warrior slammed his weapon into the ground, producing a massive explosion of force that sent a cloud of dirt and the entire group of clones flying into the air like rag dolls. Gilgamesh burst out of the cloud a moment later, unleashing a fearsome battle cry, and began to smack his clones around every which way, striking many before they had even touched the ground. Those movements, Luna thought. Ferocious, yet graceful, every motion precise and every strike powerful. This is most certainly the true Gilgamesh. As she watched him all the memories of her confrontations with him returned. She watched him unleash a barrage of attacks, including heat beams from his eyes, exploding bubbles from his mouth, missiles and boxing gloves from his hands, calling down bolts of lighting, blades and bursts of wind from his spear, and quakes from his feet. It was then she realized something: I've never been able simply observe him fight before. This is my chance to learn his movements so we have a better chance later! Luna watched his movements intently and began to become fascinated with his technique. Sometimes he'd lead one attack into another, seemingly flowing from one opponent to the next, like a coursing river. Other times he'd take broad circular swings, giving him room to move by blasting his opponents away. The most frightening moves were when was able to focus on a single opponent, rapidly beating on them like a machine. Even from this distance and even with his armor she could see the sweat glistening off his brow. It was likely running down his no doubt large and toned muscles. Wait, what was I just thinking? Oh no, not again! It's just like that one time! "Luna, are you ok?" "What?" The Lunar alicorn turned to face her sister. "Your face is starting to turn red," she noted. Luna now noticed the heat radiating off her face, which instantly grew in intensity. Oh curse it all! I need to think of something! "Um, well, it's just that watching him fight off all theses copies so easily. It makes me, um, frustrated at seeing how outclassed we are. I hate feeling like we can't do anything." Celestia sighed. "I understand, but we must simply make the best of this situation." Good. She believed me. "Wait, we can do something!" "Huh?" "Twilight, your spell! Use it on the on the ones he defeats!" "What? Oh, right!" the lavender unicorn replied before firing at the several copies being sent left and right. Some were not weakened enough, but several turned into wisps and headed back towards the Everfree. "Alright! It's working!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Gah!" The group noticed that Gilgamesh took a hit from one of his clones, knocking him off balance. Though he recovered the rest took the opportunity to attack. Before he was easily knocking them all around, making it look effortless, but now he was struggling to remain in control, that one mistake making an opening that his opponents were still taking advantage of. Soon another one managed to knock him off his feet and the rest piled on, trapping him under a mass of bodies. "Oh dear! Now what do we do!?" Rarity exclaimed. "As much as I hate to admit it, he was our only chance!" "He won't go down that easily," Celestia said simply. Before anypony could reply to her all the clones were tossed into the air. Gilgamesh was spinning rapidly, firing beams from his eyes that flawlessly struck the clones. As they began to fall back he cast a spell on himself before dashing all across Ponyville, smack his opponents into the sky with his weapon, before finally jumping up after them. With his spear extended he spun, producing a tornado around himself that sucked them all in, only for him to stop and send them all flying again with a series of explosions. He then proceeded to cut a hole in the air and disappear, only to reappear even higher in the sky. He began to punch rapidly, unleashing boxing gloves from his hand that sent them all to the ground in close proximity to each other. Even when they were all in the ground he kept up the assault, pummeling them further into the ground, before finally shooting down and stabbing into the earth with his spear, unleashing a massive explosion of force that sent them all flying. Twilight quickly and expertly struck them in the air with her spell, keeping them from slamming into any buildings. The warrior panted as he looked around, seeing none of his clones, before beginning to chuckle. He then raised his spear into the air. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE GILGAMESH!" "… Well thank Celestia for that," Rainbow Dash quipped. "Oh, um, sorry your majesty." "Not a problem." Just then a sickening crack rang out. "GAH! MY FUCKING BACK!" Gilgamesh had one hand on his back, wincing in pain. "Ow. Ow. Owowowowowowowowow. I think I pulled something." "Ahem," Celestia began, catching the warrior's attention as she and her sister trotted over to him. "Would you mind explaining exactly what happened here?" "Oh, hey girls. Uh, basically I fell into the Mirror Pool and got knocked out by one of my clones. The next thing I knew they were all gone, so I just followed the sounds of fighting." "You expect us to believe you just found the Mirror Pool?" Twilight asked. "If by 'find' you mean 'step on a boulder that fell underneath my feet and bounced along until I fell into it' then yes, I do." "Hee hee. That's pretty funny. And yeah, I can see that happening," Pinkie quipped. Celestia sighed. "Very well, I will believe this was all just an accident. Now if we could talk for a moment-" "Actually, considering I just saved you all, could you maybe do a favor for me? Maybe give me a reward for my efforts?" the warrior interrupted. "'A reward?' Like what?" Luna asked. Gilgamesh turned to the crowd and spotted the two mares he was looking for. "Hey, you two! You run the spa, right?" Aloe and Lotus looked to each other before gulping. "Um, yes sir," Aloe replied. "What would you like to know, sir?" Lotus asked. "Ever work on a biped before?"