“FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOM, OI! FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOM, OI! FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREE-okay, I’m bored.”
As much as I enjoyed this little joke even I have to admit five whole minutes of it was getting a bit long. Plus, my time would be better spent by trying to find the object that could let me have more fun. I closed my eyes and meditated, feeling for its unique signature.
Naginata, naginata, where art thou, naginata?
Within moments I had locked onto the unique signature of my weapon, and it was coming from-
Inside the Royal Canerlot Palace. Wonderful. And here I was hoping that it was in the Castle of the Pony Sisters. Would’ve made it easier to get if it was. Just use the Discord fiasco as a distraction while I picked it up. Though, that may still be an option.
I remembered what I could of the two part episode and went down a mental checklist of the major events.
Strange stuff happens like cotton candy clouds. Probably noticeable. The Elements head into the maze and get separated. Also likely noticeable, but I don’t want to risk being seen by them. Rainbow Dash gets tricked into failing everyo- er, everypony. The maze disappearing will probably be noticeable, but the strike of lighting and thunder will probably be more noticeable. After that, Ponyville gets turned into Chaosville, likely visible from Canterlot, but more importantly day and night start to switch quickly. Episode was never clear on what was happening in Canterlot but I’ll bet Celestia was doing her best to calm down the no doubt panicking ponies. Then of course, Discord’s defeat, his magic dispelled, and then cue the Star Wars royal reward sequence. Think that’s all of it.
I decided my best option would be to get to the palace and hide somewhere near it until that ominous thunder started. After that I’d sneak into the castle, find my naginata, and get out. The ponies who would no doubt be panicking from the rapid day and night shifts, along with who knows what else, would probably make that easy.
And then, the real fun can begin.
I continued my journey to the entrance, walking normally this time. As I neared the doors, a thought occurred to me. I was Gilgamesh, one of the most over the top and hammy characters in history… and I was just going to walk out the front door? Unacceptable. There was only one thing to. I carefully took a painting off the wall and set it down nearby before deciding to strength-test the durability of my recently un-petrified body… and also the wall. Leaping out into the streets of Canterlot through a massive hole that was sadly not in the shape of my body (shame too really, people- I mean ponies would’ve likely stared in shock wondering how I managed to land feet first when I crashed through the wall upside-down) and observed my surroundings. A large amount of ponies were staring at me with slacked jaws, their eyes showing a mix of confusion and fear. I decided to try and alleviate their fears with something I knew wouldn’t work but would be fun.
“Greetings, fair citizens. I would like to give you all a friendly reminder to continue to pay your taxes so government owned and operated recreational facilities like this one can continue to provide you with excellent experiences. And pay their insurance.”
It was by far one of the silliest and non-threatening phrases to cause a panic. Just about ten or twelve seconds later, the street was clear, although the screaming was still nearby. Wasting no time, I saw the incredibly hard to miss Canterlot Palace and raced towards it, running with arms outstretched in front of me and making whooshing noises.
Why did Freakazoid only go for two seasons?
As I continued my journey I saw the sky darken with that ominous crackle of lightning and roar of thunder. It wouldn’t be too long before the rapid night and day changes, which meant that the Elements would be leaving soon. Not that they were much a threat to me without their jewelry, but still. I decided to drop the Superman run and pick up the pace. It wasn’t long after that that I screeched to a halt in front of the main gates. Overall, the trip took about ten minutes. I was immediately met with a group of guards, about twenty of them. Ten pegasi, two unicorns, and eight earth ponies. They all pointed their spears at me.
“Halt, foul creature!” one of the unicorns shouted, one with a slight flair for the dramatic it seemed. Let’s see how he likes it in return.
“How rude! I am no mere creature but a mighty warrior, with strength and skill forged in the flames of battle, and I deserve to be recognized as such!” I responded while placing my hands on my hips and huffing indignantly.
“Um… Halt, foul warrior!”
“Better. However, I will not be engaging in any halting by your command today, good sir, for I have business inside yonder palace.” I took a few poses before settling on a horse stance with both arms tucked at my sides. Why yes, I did study some martial arts before I was warped here, why do you ask? “Now, command thy warriors to stand aside so that I may enter lest I be forced to use my magnificent power to cast thee aside! My desire is an object, and I would wish to retrieve it without bringing undue harm to the guard of thy palace of fabulosity and grace in these troubled times.”
The unicorn, and most of the ponies actually, looked like he was trying to process what I said before he responded.
“We will not allow you to enter the palace!”
“Very well, a fight it is! Come meet thy fate!” I shouted in response.
All twenty of them bum rushed me. I guess they weren’t much more than doormen- er, doorponies after all. My magical attacks would be either too devastating or too inaccurate for use, which left me with hand to hand, or rather hoof, combat. There was only one technique and one battle cry that I could think appropriate for this occasion.
“ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA…WA-TAA!!”
As I shouted I unleashed a flurry of punches while racing forward, pummeling the ill prepared ponies within seconds before ending up behind them.
“You are hopefully not dead.”
I turned to see the ponies on the ground, unconscious but still groaning in pain. Thankfully I’d managed to do exactly what I wanted. I turned to the castle gates and with a swift kick opened the door. I couldn’t decide whether to make an “I Love Lucy” reference or a “Shining” reference, so I decided to just forget it and race inside.
I realized very quickly a major problem with my plan: I had no idea about the layout of the palace, and just because I knew the direction of where my naginata was that didn’t help me reach it. Well, aside from simply bursting down all walls in my way and going all Juggernaut, but I wanted to save that as a last resort.
Unfortunately, that also meant I was hitting dead end after dead and alerting several ponies to my presence, and let me tell you that sneaking around in armor is not easy. A few guards had to be smacked down, and more would no doubt be coming. I needed to find my naginata and fast. If I was found by Celestia or Luna without my weapon my goose was cooked, literally in the former’s case.
Even worse, the sun and moon had switched places twice by now. Unless more happened off screen, that meant there was only one more instance of this left and my draconequus distraction would be gone.
I rounded a corner and heard a voice speak in a loud whisper.
“Shh! I hear something coming! Ready yourselves!”
I pressed my back to the wall and quietly shuffled towards the edge of the corner. I checked the reflection against the marble floor (thank goodness this place was so clean) and saw a vague reflection of a large contingent of guards, anywhere from thirty to fifty of them. But what caught my attention the most was the white unicorn at the front.
Oh crap, that’s Shining Armor.
It’s not like I wouldn’t be able to beat them, even with the Guard Captain there, but with his prowess and me weaponless I’d likely sustain a few injuries unless I tried to kill them, and that of course was not an option as far as I’m concerned. If I raced by them, they’d follow and attract too much attention to me. That meant I had to somehow pass them without instigating a mob. I smiled as a realized what that meant. I’d have to shock them long enough for me to pass. In my experience there are two kinds of things that make a person- er, rather pony, freeze up: fear and confusion. Since these were highly trained guards, the former probably wouldn’t work, which was fine as that wasn’t really my style. Which left the latter.
I quietly pondered what I would use when the idea hit me, along with that particular ear worm.
PSY, don’t fail me now.
Shining Armor held his spear like he was trained, not too light and not too loose. He kept his breath level and his eyes focused. It had been at least three minutes since he felt the approaching presence. This creature had defeated several of his guards and they were not going to stand for it. It was time to show this creature what the Royal Canterlot Guard could do.
Suddenly came movement. Everypony tensed, prepared to counteract, but what came left them all slackjawed. The creature, a massive height of at least twelve hoofs, wearing armor of many colors all over its body, a helmet with what appeared to be hair sticking out the top, grey skin, and a red scarf trailing from behind was… dancing.
If it could be called that. It had both its hands on its hips, its head turned towards the opposite side it entered from, and was shuffling its legs in some sort of strange sidestepping motion. Shining Armor could almost feel all of his soldiers react the same way he did, staring at the strange creature, their heads turning to follow its motion with the rest of their bodies staying perfectly still.
It was a full ten seconds after it went out of view that he realized that the creature had just passed them without any resistance.
He quickly raced down the hall, passing the corner, only to be met with a branching hallway, and no creature in sight. When his soldiers caught up with him, they could clearly see him trying to repress the urge to shout expletives.
OH MY GOD THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! THEIR FACES! OH DEAR GOD THEIR FACES!
I could barely keep my laughter restrained and chuckles regularly escaped my lips as a raced down the halls.
OH SWEET CHRIST, THANK GOD I WAS ABLE TO KEEP CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS OR I WOULD’VE COLLAPSED OF LAUGHTER RIGHT THERE!
And even better, it looked like it was a straight shot from where I was now to my naginata. Just one more turn and-
Oh FUCK.
Right before me, where the energy signature was radiating from, was a door with a familiar crescent-shaped insignia in front of it.
It’s in Luna’s room. Why dear fucking GOD did it have to be in Luna’s room?
The two bat-pony guards at post in front of the door barely registered to me as they charged only to be quickly dispatched as I grabbed their heads and banged them together before dropping their unconscious forms to the floor.
Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe she’s not at full size yet. Maybe she’s still a little filly, or somewhere in between.
I gulped as I reached down to grab the doorknob. Of course it was locked so I grimaced as I tore the knob off the door as quietly as I could, that is to say not very quiet at all, and headed inside. Ominously, right as I did, the sky switched from day to night for the third and perhaps final time.
I looked around the, admittedly gorgeous dark blue room and my eyes immediately went to the large lump lying under the covers of a large circular bed.
Crap she’s big. Ok, let’s find it and get out of-
My train of thought was interrupted as I saw my weapon hanging on the wall like a trophy, the straight wooden pole with the ornate blade at the end bringing comfort to my heart and soul. I walked over and gently took it off its pedestal feeling power rush through me.
Oh yeah. Gilgamesh is back, baby.
No sooner had I finished that thought that I heard a rustling coming from behind me.
“Mmm… Sister? Is that you?” came a familiar voice. I turned to see the elegant dark blue alicorn raise her head from her bed and rub her eyes, her face seeming to be highlighted by light. It was then I realized my mistake.
I forgot to close the fucking door.
Her eyes soon noticed me and locked on my form. I don’t know if she recognized me, but she clearly realized I was not supposed to be there. Our gazes held for a few seconds when a delightfully sinister thought entered my mind. I pulled away the guard around my face before dashing forward and gently yet firmly gripping her muzzle. Before she could react a planted a long and cartoonishly exaggerated kiss on her lips. An adorably flustered blush spread across her face before I spoke.
“Ain’t I a stinker?” I asked in the best Bugs Bunny impersonation I could.
Before she could respond I smashed through the far wall, which conveniently was at the edge of the palace, letting loose the hammiest and most over the top laugh I could while dropping to the ground.
While on the way I could clearly hear the thunderous volume of the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“SISTER!”