Luna and I talked a lot about this specific scroll, more so, as to whether or not it should exist. And how much detail I should try and place into it. We came to the decision that if you made it this far, Perhaps its best you know anyway, so yea. Here we go.
I was pissed, at...Everything really. Trees I passed on the way further in only seemed to deepen my foul mood, my fists were clenching repeatedly in an effort to calm down, And to be honest. I wanted to kill something. I had never felt a seething rage like this. My vision was blurry, my heart felt like it was in my ears, taunting me with every beat, and my face was formed into a permanent scowl.
I was...Just pissed. At nothing! I understood why Celestia did that. She was confirming a theory; she wouldn't really have me executed. I knew that much. But still my chest was in knots. I couldn't think straight so I just kept walking. Further and further. The first creatures I came across were a pack of timber wolves. They moved out of my way. I ignored them.
More and more and more I walked. Where? No clue. Just going. Trying to calm down, but then I heard it. A fight, a battle. I heard hoof steps, after this long I was able to accurately sum up about four ponies. And something heavy. But its impacts sounded, Muffled. Padded...
I started walking to the noise pushing through the brush I saw a manticore, was a bit bigger than me height wise, but still, he was a biggun., But two ponies with spears and saddles were trying to keep it a safe distance, The other two ponies were unicorns, and were firing Arrows into the manticore, Though to be honest they rarely stuck and just seemed to piss it off.
Then the manticore struck out with its tail at one of the ponies, impaling him on its tail spike then flung the pony into the bushes next to me, I knew it was dead, poor thing. That was all I could take, I burst from the bushes charging at the manticore, The ponies with bows turned and stared, I wasn’t sure If they had ever seen me before.
But they took the hint when I socked the manticore (Who was staring at me during my charge) right in the face, causing its face to bury into the ground.
It was dazed a moment before It got back up, I KNEW my knuckles were broken in my right hand, But it didn't stop me, I charged again but It leaped from my range, and into the other spear pony, Who wasn’t dead. Of course. The manticore Roared and took to the air.
But not fast enough. I jumped on to its foot and worked my way to its wing, Grabbing near the base and the tip, I pulled, Its wing split down the middle before it had broken the tree line, Which was still a good forty feet in the air, I rode it down, Landing hard on its Chest, I was almost positive it was dead. I didn't care I pummeled it and pummeled it until its face looked like a bloody pulp.
I looked at the three remaining ponies; I was sitting on the manticores chest. I felt the adrenalin and rage drain from me. And the ponies’ eyes all widened in unison. I looked down and saw a rather large stinger had burst through my chest, Poison dripped from it.
I don't know why my last though was that at least it wasn’t poison, but blood loss that would kill me. But it was. I lost consciousness. But perhaps it was meant to happen this way? A life for a life...
I woke up and immediately tried to stand WHY DO I DO THIS! Pain shot through my body like wild fire and I coughed up blood "Oh that's not mine right? Oh that's mine" I laid back into bed as a nurse ran in to check on me, I knew I was in a hospital. The smell of chemicals and PAIN were everywhere.
"Oh that's my blood...That is my blood! Ahaha, Oh that's my blood...” It hurt to laugh but I couldn't stop. Worst injury I had ever suffered on earth was pathetic in comparison to this, I was out of my clothes, and I could see the bandage around my chest. The nurse walked up to me
(Slowly. mind you, this chick did NOT know what I was.) "Do you speak equestrian?" She asked me, I had been insulting myself in English. "Uh...yea. Ow..." She brightened up a bit. "Oh very good, Do you know where you are?" I looked at her. "Do you know what I am?" I said flatly.
She deflated. Just for a moment, “No I don't, but your still a patient so were going to try and take care of you. Now, do you know where you are? And no more sass mister." At least she knew I was male...Wait. Oh shit I was completely nude. "No. Where am I?" She frowned a bit.
"What can you remember dearie?" Dearie...I liked that, Not sure why. "Uh... Let’s see. I was in Canterlot, got angry, Ran away. Beat a manticore that hurt a pony to death and ended up here." She looked horrified, and then she ran. "Was it something I said?" I frowned.
After a good ten minutes I was bored. REALLLLLY bored. When the nurses voice could be heard from the hallway. That’s when I noticed something funny. I was colorblind. I looked at the room in a new light. Everything was...Grey. But still defined. Which is okay, I mean. Shit.
It’s just color...In the brightest place ever...Anyway, the nurse was talking to someone, err... some pony. About me, I couldn't hear it but eventually a small unicorn entered, she looked a bit like thorn, though she was shorted and her horn was almost as long as her head, though still fit her body just right. "You look like shit." Oh man, I laughed, I cried, I coughed and bled. It sucked.
She had been eyeing me with caution when she entered but now it was just compassion, she jumped onto the bed next to me. And laid down. It was weird. These ponies were just like, big dogs. I liked it. I wanted to pet her... "Sorry, about that. Nurse rain mist, said you spoke equestrian. So I figured I’d try and cheer you up, you know who I am?" I looked at her.
"Should I guess randomly till I get it right? I can’t see your colors so tell me how far off I am. Let’s see Blue berry?" it was her turn to laugh. "Not quite, the color blindness is a side effect of the anesthetic they used. No, I'm one of the ponies you saved a few days ago." I looked at her. The archer’s maybe? "I'm sorry; I... to be honest was in a very foul mood when all that had happened. So I don't remember much." the way she looked at me almost hurt. She was so sad.
"Well, for the record, I'm bull’s eye, and you are?" I smiled, Bulls eye, there's a decent name. "Eclipse will do." she cheered up a bit. "Am I to assume your color scheme is white black and red?" She smiled, “Let’s make a game of it. If you can name my colors, I’ll give you something special." I was a bit taken aback, something special? What’s she mean by that...?
I didn't guess I tried all sorts of combinations. I was wrong each time till I gave up. Bull’s eye was nice. She stayed with me till closing hours, just talking with me. Apparently the pony that died, Lance (Imagine that.) Was her brother. But when they signed up for scouting duty they knew what they signed up for.
At one point I brought up what I must have looked like to her, Charging from nowhere At a (Full grown.) Manticore. And she had asked to change the subject. I scared her. I knew it. But I did learn my location. I was in a hospital just a few miles from the forest in the (Wonderful) city of Manehattan. Manehattan.
I wondered if I could meet the oranges... But I didn't dwell on it; a nurse came in without a word and started singing. She didn't even know I was there I think, But it was okay. I just listened till I fell asleep...
The next morning I was woken up by a small pony jumping on my bed. "Mornin!" Silly Be. "Morning... What are you doing here...all bubbly?" Bubbly. I liked that word too. "Just coming in to visit my favorite alien!" Precious. "Okay... Why? I thought you were a scout, aren’t you guys all 'ohh we got to go kill this' and stuff? “She smiled at me...Creepy
...”Of course we are, but we lost one of our group. So we need filler. We’re waiting for the leaders to send replacements." She was so easily past her brother’s death, It was nuts. "Ah, I see. And how’s that going?"
"Well with the report of a full grown manta so close to the forest edge, they are sending us nine units, I get to be the leader!" she beamed. I liked BE. But she was too happy to kill. It wasn’t right for a pony. "I got to ask, are you really happy going out there and killing those creatures?" She looked at me for the next few moments like I grew another head.
And then poked me in my...Hole? Wound? Crater? I wasn’t sure what it looked like anymore. It was freshly wrapped last night while I was asleep. "OW!" She smiled again. "No... I’m not happy killing them, In fact most nights, I end up going home and crying myself to sleep. But someone needs to do it, Otherwise Ponyville, Manehattan, Appaloosa; any town within a hundred miles of the forest would begin getting attacked.
I’ll bring you a book on it next time I come here." I smiled. I liked BE. She reminded me of...Something. I couldn't put my finger on it. "I’d like that, But only if you can teach me to read it." She looked at me in shock, I just laughed *OWW* "I'm new to this world. The words are easy to pick up when spoken, but I have difficulty reading your writing. Sorry."
Oh wait... look at that. "You’re brown; with a white mane and tail that has a blue stripe. You also have some beautiful red eyes, almost crimson." She smiled at that. "Got your vision back huh?" Do I still win?
Bulls eye and myself talked for a while longer before the nurse said I needed my rest. Be thanked me for letting her talk, I told her I enjoyed letting her talk, and we separated ways. But I stopped the nurse, who from the eyes, I’d say was the one who woke me up.
Fear is amazingly apparent in pony eyes. It was kinda irritating. "I just need to know if there is a way of getting messages to the princesses, Perhaps a carrier hawk, Or a dragons breath mail system, something?" she was hesitant to answer so I asked if she could just take down a note and send it for me, She did thankfully. And was on her way.
And for another night, I slept in that cold place of healing...Hospitals suck.
After blazing these last ten chapters I would say your story is pretty good, however when you explained the powers I was wondering since Kyle's instinct to protect himself/others is what triggers his super-strength then why was he able to break the cage afterall you did explain his inner thoughts while he was doing so and they would indicate curiosity rather than a desire to protect himself.
There were also very few grammatical errors so kudos for that.
I look forward to reading more
>>PPFW Combo Breaker
The spark will work under Any circumstance of damage, Or fear, The girls were afraid of him, he just didn't realize it. They needed protection, So the spark gave power. Its not a smart thing. Currently im rewriting the first few chapter to be more..Coherent. I already fixed the first if you want to reread it and tell me what you think. Heck please do! Having someone give their opinion is very valuable to me. But yea, hoping that the story will come together a bit more after the re-write.
As for the curiosity, he WAS curious.
Ive edited this comment twice to better explain it... Sorry.
Okay re-read the new chapter 1
Your spelling for one thing is impeccable, also thanks for explaining the power usage a little more
There are actually quite a lot of grammatical errors (such as capital letters after commas which isn't really done and lower case letters after full stops) and some sentences which could be phrased a bit better (e.g "Belonging to no others but the royal family of equestria." should be phrased "belonging to none other than the royal family of equestria!")
The addition of the background information on one of the parents was an interesting choice. I'll tell you what I was able to derive from that paragraph to see if matched up to what you were trying to impress on the reader.
1.) Kyle has a family which appear indifferent to Kyle.
--Kyle may be prone to self-reliance
--Kyle may be prone to outbursts to attempt to garner attention
--Kyle may feel attachment to his family regardless of their indifference
2.)The family itself.
--Kyle's mum appears intelligent and thoughtful maybe traits passed to Kyle
--Workaholism may imply that Kyle's family needs the additional income so poor->middle class background
--Workaholism may be translated to perserverance which could be a trait Kyle has.
--Indifference may be only perceived as Kyle's family may care about him but merely desire that Kyle not feel pressured
--Absence of mention of father may indicate lack of presence of father figure or extreme dislike of father
--Lack of understanding of bronieism is understandable and indifference may be genuine or as previously mentioned allowing Kyle his individuality
Best wishes in future chapters and endeavours
176556
Dude, I love you seriously. And thanks for catching grammar errors, I still find myself spelling game instead of give half the time, I'm cold so my fingers hate me. And I actually have two chapters done, I'm proofreading the second now. I'm going to rewrite chapter two tomorrow. Ill go and fix chapter one now, And on pretty much every count your right about kyle, his father was...Pointless is a good word. They never spoke, And unfortunately. Kyle has a brother. the family just never paid attention to kyle himself, So yes he became a bit of a downer in an attempt to get attention, It ended up defining him though.
As for the indifference to his Bronieness, Yes his family didn't care, His mom felt it was "Just a phase" and let it continue, Not that she could have stopped it. His mother became more and more distant as she worked, and yes they were a middle class family, But it was still upper-middle class. So they had more then enough. His mother was a genius. But he doesn't believe he got any of that from her. In fact he sort of hopes he doesn't end up like his family. Which is why he dropped out of school, The brother is current attending a high-class college and is working on his masters, So yea. Kyle has good genes, He just...doesn't want anything to do with them, he likes his emotions too much to be indifferent. which is why he still loves his family, But yea, pretty much spot on with all counts.
But truth be told his mother did love him, She just didn't know how to show it in a way he would understand. So "Steel your heart" ya know?
And then there are those damn sneaky caps. I need to scrounge through my new chapters for them too...Oh yea and the awesome spelling, I take no credit. Google and spell-check.
cant....stop...reading...
bronies- because all of us, is better than none of us.
176556 O.O ummmmmm wha, too many words.
yes, hospitals suck, i would know, i 've has 2 broken legs, a broken arm, and i had to have surgery on my left leg, so yes, HOSPITALS SUCK
You know I like this story, it's different and I know I'm way behind but... I really hope later chapters fix a few things. First off, you are not making a new paragraph each time a new person talks which is very annoying. Sometimes I get confused on who is talking which is a huge problem. I understand its meant to be him writing down this stuff, but grammar is grammar and should not be altered and justified because of this... Not to mention the fact that half the time there are no " " surrounding dialogue or sometimes it switches to ' ' for no reason. I hate being the grammar nazi cause usually I suck at grammar without help, but if I of all people can catch these than I can't be the only one.
- yeah
- manta'/mantacore
- Silly BE
- "I’ll bring you a book on it next time I come here."
- BE thanked
I've just come to the conclusion that some people may be confused by the colours in my comments, so here's a quick breakdown:
Red - A mistake
Green - A direct correction
Orange - An indirect correction
You do realize Kyle was completely right at being mad, he could have killed the guard in self defense by accident. Honestly Celestia went full retard for that.
Also I don’t know how useful his power is if he’s gonna break every single bone with each punch. He’s like a weaker Deku.