• Published 30th Jan 2012
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The nature of the beast. - Kintra



The adventures of a sarcastic pessimist who visits a world full of creatures who love and tolerate.

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(20) Life: Sleep and Shoes

A few hours after my job receiving escapade I was sitting back in twilight’s house Luna was across the table from me listening to me rant.

“You don’t understand Luna, this job is way too easy, and I’m being paid way too much to do way too little! I come in once a week; file a few things sign a couple papers and it’s done, bam full weeks’ pay! It’s not right! This is too easy I’m going back to the Mayor and having her fire me, or I swear in Celestia’s name I’m quitting!” It was about here when my feet were grabbed by a royal blue aura and I found myself dangling upside down in the air.

“Eclipse, you need to calm down, think about this rationally. Do you truly believe you got a job that is that easy for no reason? You are uniquely qualified in that your species is naturally bureaucratic. Your species has a sort of natural affiliation with paperwork. You can handle this much easier then ponies.” Right. Sure.

“Luna our species was forged from stone spears and throwing rocks at creatures that wanted our faces for lunch. We weren’t born with a pencil and a ‘sign here to breathe for your first time’ sheet. I understand that for whatever reason ponies are unable to handle paperwork; maybe your mental facilities don’t like the color? Fine, THEN WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE IT!?” I shouted the last bit causing an angry Spike to growl from upstairs. Luna of course responded in her calm and even tones.

“Because we still have to keep track of incoming and outgoing currencies in each sector. There are plenty of ponies with the mental capacity for this work; they all choose to work in Canterlot. Mayor mare was obviously struggling; you caught her up and finished her work for this month. Within the span of a day. She obviously sees value in you, so perhaps you should stop being selfish and ask why she thinks hiring you is a good idea. Who knows, you may learn something. And if you are unsatisfied with the answer, quit.” I am seriously irritated. Why the hell it is that no one in this town could do the paperwork.

“Twilight!” I shouted as my body fell to the floor with a *Thud* she came running out of the kitchen

“Are you two done arguing? Maybe we should do some friendship exercises!” She was forcing a smile.

“Why weren’t you able to do the paperwork in the mayor’s office?!” I wanted answers.

“Oh uh… I was able too; I just didn’t want to work for her… Most ponies in Ponyville aren’t quite umm. How to put it gently… Caught up? To the rest of the world in terms of pretty much everything…” Wow, Way to dis your friends Twi.

“So wait…You chose not to help the struggling mare with her apparently super easy forms, because you didn’t want a job?” She smiled

“Yes! Exactly! I get payments monthly from the princesses and so I don’t have much use for extra income, aside from maybe the occasional book here or there!” She blushed, over a book?


“I….Give up... I’m going for a walk.” I stood and left I needed air. This whole situation about the job was just… fucking Irritating. I pulled out my vinyl-pod. I was so angry calling it a vinyl-pod didn’t even make me smile. I placed the ear buds in my ears and turned everything up. I placed the player in my jacket pocket and began walking through the muddy ground. Rarity was gonna be pissed. Though to be honest the cold mud between my toes was nice. In a sort of weird way. I still hated shoes. The one constant in my life. Hate, shoes.
By the time I had stopped walking and was just staring at the night sky I was back on the hill overlooking the town. The grassy hill was conveniently mud free, though still moderately wet. And cold.” *Sigh* Wonder how brew is doing. “I still wondered. Thorn and Be? They could easily take care of themselves. But Brew… God… I couldn’t stop thinking about how much harder her life is now. I knew she was fine; she was a big girl… Maybe I just need someone there that needs my protection… Someone to rely on me. I knew for a fact Luna didn’t need me. She liked me around, but that was it. Maybe I could adopt a kid? Who am I kidding? I hate kids... “Buucckkkkk.” I started rubbing my face in my hands before I felt a cold hoof press against my knuckles, I pulled my hands away to see dash, once again. I removed my ear buds.

“Why are you always here dash? Are you spying on me?” she laughed at that.

“I could swear that’s my line. The cloud over there is my house mister man.” I looked behind me to where she was pointing. Oh. Look at that.

“Well. I guess I am the stalker. My bad...” I laid back down. This time dash joined me.

“Aren’t you cold laying here like this?” I laughed.

“To be honest Dashie, Cold is an interesting feeling for me. The only time I’m cold is when I’m mellow, and right now I’m pretty irritated. So. No. I’m not cold.” I heard her shift in the grass, probably to an easier take off position in case I attacked.

“Oh, that sucks. What’s got you all worked up?” She at least tried to sound sincere. And unafraid...

“Dashie... Life. Apparently I’m super freaking smart in Ponyville standards because I can fill out paperwork. So now my job is to once a week go in, organize some shit, sign a couple names, and do a few math problems. And get a full week’s worth of wages.” I covered my eyes with my arm...My arm is wet...

“Well, I gotta say Eclipse that doesn’t sound like a bad deal. You’re getting paid to do, not much! I’d love that job!” She laughed. I wasn’t sure why.

“So take it, Go ask the mayor.” Suddenly the laughing stopped. Seriously? They are fucking forms.

“You’re working with the mayor? You can actually read those things? I tried once and I couldn’t even figure out what to do…” Oh my god…. Wow. So, am I smart? Or is everyone else stupid…


“I…Don’t even know what to say dash. To be honest those forms are easy as fuck, I can have them done quicker than my math homework back home. Not to mention that was a four month back-log. I’m starting to wonder if I’m super fucking smart or if I should just start thinking that everypony is stupid. No offense.” I moved my arm to look at the sky again.


“We aren’t stupid Eclipse… We just, can’t work like that. Not Ponyville ponies. We are simple, not stupid. We would rather not work through all the paperwork and the questions from people. We just want to live. Mayor mare took up that job because she wanted Ponyville to be able to live the way it should. But it’s getting harder now. I know she wouldn’t hire you if she didn’t think you were worth it. So maybe, you could just cool off. Think about it like this. You’re not doing the job to get paid. You’re doing it to make every business ponies life easier at the end of the day, helping keep the mayor sane, and helping ponyvillians in general.”

I wasn’t sure If she was crying or not. I know she was trying to get through to me. I know she is trying to make me understand that this was a good thing for Ponyville. But fuck if I wanted to hear it right now. I wanted to be pissed. At anything. I didn’t even know why. But I just couldn’t. I felt myself start shivering...


“God dammit… I’m. Sorry rainbow. I just…*Sigh* I know you’re saying that I would be helping a lot. But still. It seems like I’m doing so little. Far too little for my pay.” I sat up and started rubbing my arms through my sleeves. Fucking cold….


“Well. You could always volunteer around town. I’m sure other people would have interesting jobs. Maybe check with the blacksmith? Way I heard it you were able to break through concrete in twilight’s basement, so I’m sure he could use somepony like you to help him.” She sounded…Less reserved. That’s good.


“I suppose that’s the best I can do. I’m sorry dashie, about everything. I mean, I said some pretty messed up things.”

“Don’t worry about it Eclipse. We all say things we don’t mean when were angry. But I do need to head off and get to bed. Gotta be up early for another drizzle.” Oh that’s nice.

“Dashie?”

“Yea Eclipse?”

“Can I give you a hug?” I heard her laugh.

“Just this once.” Smells like the rain…

I woke on the same spot of the hill I slept on last night... Last thing I could remember was hugging rainbow. Not a bad memory. I’ve had worse anyway. Looking at the sky it was already raining. But right where I was sleeping, a ray of sunlight punctured through a hole in the clouds.

“Oh that’s cheating.” I laughed and just sat there for a few more minutes. And then I was found.

“Good heavens! What have you done to my beautiful clothing!?” Ah crap.

“Good morning Rarity. Sorry, I don’t have shoes; I went for a walk… One thing turned into another and I fell asleep.” Then rainbow swooped down the light shaft over my head.

“Told ya he was here Rare, and look, Total mess! He would have been sick if not for me punching a hole in the clouds!” Well…Yea, most likely.

“Oh my beautiful stitching... Oh... What has this monster done to you?” At this point rarity was literally forcing dried mud from the bottom of my trousers.

“Well at least you built them to last!” I tried laughing… It didn’t work. Rarity shot me an anguished look.

“You’re a monster! Look at these! Look at them! I’m sorry Eclipse, but you have one of two choices, you come up with some method to at least keep your feet dry, or I’m revoking your ability to wear pants.” Oh no...

“Is that a promise or a threat? Because you shouldn’t threaten me with a good time.” I’ve never seen a rainbow turn THAT color.

“No Eclipse, Really. I am a lady such crude jokes are really beyond me.” Well damn.

“Fine, I hate to do this, let me give you the run down on Human shoes. I like these pants too much to be rid of them.”

“No dear not here. Let’s go to the boutique, here get under my umbrella.” She realize how short she is yet? The umbrella came up to my neck; I took off my jacket and held it over my head. Then started walking to her shop. She immediately magicked my pants and lifted the legs out of the mud.

“Sorry about this Rarity.” She just smiled.

“It’s okay. It’s nice to have somepony who needs me as much as you do right now.” I know that feeling.

“Well I think you two lovebirds got this under control, talk to you guys later!” rainbow took off to the sky. Where? Hell If I knew. She’s got a freedom I could never have. Who knows what I would do.

“Love birds? Very mature rainbow dash.” Rarity muttered something under her breath, and I could swear I saw a blush. Thankfully I’m almost positive she wasn’t talking about me.
Eventually we made it to the boutique where I was told to take off my pants (Thank god for my boxers.) and sit on the couch. This is where I stayed for a good ten minutes before I had my now clean pants back.

“Now! Do you prefer boots or shoes?” What? Oh wait, shit. Equestria, she’s had shoes in the damn show.

“Uh, Boots, preferably. Not girly one’s mind you, I mean like work boots. Heavy duty kinda action.” She just nodded. What would she use? Leather? That would be a bit weird. Well now I have to ask.

“Hey Rarity, what do you use to make heavy duty boots?”

“I use a form of hardening cloth and some types of plastic to form a seal, why?” So no leather.

“No reason.”

Eventually she came back, grabbed and measured my foot, then took off again.

“Rarity?”

“Yes Eclipse?”

“I’m bored.” I swear I heard a laugh, or a giggle. Maybe it was a cough.

“Well. You don’t HAVE to sit there, Take a look around, you’re a big boy, I’m sure you can find something to entertain yourself with.” Right… I stood and started wandering around her workshop.

“So, IS it hurricane season or is this organized chaos?” She laughed.

“Organized chaos, most definitely.” See, that doesn’t answer much... Where are we in the show...?

“So you been to the grand galloping Gala?” Season one?

“Yes dear, No more questions on that day please. It was horrible.” Best night ever.

“So… Twilight said you have a sister?” Oh that’s a nice fabric.

“I do yes, Your awfully full of questions today Eclipse.” Chalk it up to curiosity.

“Yea, just trying to learn more about my friends. You do anything interesting with her?” That’s a funny pair of scissors.

“Uh, Well. Kind of I suppose. We did this thing called the ‘Sisterhooves Social” A while back, that was a lot of fun.” Hmm… Let’s see…..

“So, do all of you have pets? I noticed fluttershy has angel, Pinkie has gummy I’m pretty sure you have a cat somewhere, At least according to spike, There twis owl and AJ has that dog...” I wonder if she’s catching on.

“I must say your questions are very unusual. But yes, we do all have animals rainbow had recently obtained a pet
turtle…Err... Tortoise.” May the best pet win.

“Huh, Id would have taken her for like, an eagle, or a falcon.”

“Yes we all did dear, but I think tank is a great pet for her!” Heh, Think tank.

“So have you been to Canterlot recently?” Come on.

“I actually go to Canterlot next week, How did you know? Are you reading my planner?” Bingo.

“Nah, Just talking, I figure a pony like you is somepony everypony should know. But then, Even if that was true you would always have time for friends.” Ego rub followed by a plot reveal? Pfft, she won’t even remember this conversation.

“And there we go!” She trotted out of the room holding two hard-leather looking boots.

“Wow. Right on, I don’t suppose these come with socks do they?” She smiled.

“Of course they do dear. One moment.” She left again. Well either way, too much hospitality. I dug through my pockets for my `wee bag of coins, pulling out four gold bits I placed them onto a table near me.

With a note. “Thanks for the clothes, take the money, I won’t accept it back.” There.

I eventually made my way back to the couch as I waited. How did she get the boots black? Oh well.

“And here you are dear, four pairs. That’s enough right?” I nodded as I slipped on my new socks and shoes. The shoes were very light, I couldn’t even feel them.

“Huh... rarity? Step on my toe.” She giggled a little but obliged. The boot didn’t budge.

“How much do you weigh?” Heh…

“Well I never. Enjoy your clothing Eclipse, I am a lady! I will not be badgered like this.” Badgered? I asked once.

“Uh…Sorry. I didn’t mean it as a….*Sigh* Never mind. Thanks Rarity.” I put on the other sock and shoe and stepped out of the boutique

“A new day another bunch of wandering.” I started walking into town.

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