• Published 30th Jan 2012
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The nature of the beast. - Kintra



The adventures of a sarcastic pessimist who visits a world full of creatures who love and tolerate.

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Scroll Eight: Illusions

Time, that’s a fun subject. Reality? Ohhh very good. God? The ultimate question of life, the meaning of the universe and everything? Forty-two. Sorry, bad joke most of you probably won’t get. I’m sure you noticed my writings a bit calmer. Been stressed the past few days. Journals are tough; trying to remember things from hella days back is tougher.
But Luna feels I should document my stay in Canterlot. Once this is all done I'm visiting Twi and her friends. To apologize I hope. Though to be honest. The more I think about hurting spike the sicker to my stomach I feel. I hope they can forgive me. But anyway, you want to hear my story, not my thoughts on "Friendship"... Or do you?


I awoke much like every other morning. Minus an exited Luna staring at me. "Uh... What?" I muttered rubbing sleep from my eyes as I stared at this pony’s HUGE EYES. God I loved this world. Beautiful eyes! I was staring at Luna and she was giddy beside my bed almost to the point that I expected her to do a "Break-physics" style jump.
I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about. "Eclipse Get UP! Your clothes are ready! I want you to bathe so we can make you pretty!" I stared at her a moment. Most likely in disbelief. "Pretty? Princess pretty is YOUR job, I'm happy wearing plain." Again, asshole moment. Luna started to pout. (Cute as HE~ you get the point by now.)
"Very well. I will not wish you pretty. However we ARE late for the tailors given time." Luna pointed to the clock (Which I had never noticed, they have clocks EVERYWHERE!) "What the? That’s a clock...” Luna`s eyes widened a moment as she looked at me "You mean you didn't know what A clock was? I am so sorry eclipse! I didn't realize you required so much Back-education!" Now it was my turn to look all Butt hurt.
Then she laughed, oh a joke yea? Funny. "Yea, I was pretty stupid." I put as much *Pity me!* voice behind it as possible. She stopped laughing. "Oh. I am so sorry Eclipse. I did not mean to offend you, or make you sad; it was intended as a joke! I swear to you!" These damn innocent ponies. Every time I did something I used to think was funny.
*BAM* Shot down. (Mayday mayday!) At this point it almost looked like Luna was going to cry. "It was a joke." I deadpanned.

Luna and I had made our way outside the castle shortly after I was "Presentable" In Luna's words. (Which was a fancy was of saying she made me go out in a make-shift toga made from my bed sheets so that the castle ponies could wash my clothes.)
The day started off fairly well until ponies started doing the "OMG a princess" Thing. I felt bad for Luna So I took the money she was carrying and told her to run. Which I’m happy to report she did. I was happy because she trusted me; I was hurt because I was alone. In a strange city, carrying a large sack of Golden bits.
Thankfully the system which passed as "Money" In Equestria was pretty easy to figure out. I remember reading a fan-fiction once where the guy described it as a RPG barter system, with gold silver and copper bits, each being different amounts. Which was pretty much spot on.
Couldn't remember what it was called for the life of me though. I think the dudes name was Train? Or... Soot? Crap. Never been good with these things.

I managed to make my way to the so called, tailors shop. Which thanks to a whole two seconds of interest and a passerby I learned was called "Vanity fashions." To be honest I was a bit sad that rarity wasn’t making my first outfit. All these great Bronie-novels I read always had rarity being "The first" so to speak.
But instead I was assaulted by a nameless snob-pony whom will remain nameless and irritating. I entered the store by myself. (Luna never told me what to expect. I was pretty scared of what these froufrou ponies made. Heh. Froufrou. AJ Can’t wait to meet you.) The supposed to be nameless pony shall henceforth be called Mini-BB.
For mini blueblood. MiniBB looked at me and shuddered like my presence was some sort of ill omen. "I would suppose your here for your," I swear to you, he SCOFFED right there. "Order." He finished. I wanted to punch this guy. I knew him for five seconds and hated him. People who think they are SO MUCH BETTER always did. I wrote that with a tilt to show emphasis. Not sure how it looks to you guys. Are you reading this on the scrolls still?

"Yes, I’m here for my order." I tried to remain calm as he did that *I’m better then you* Trot to the back room with his nose in the air. Which, to be honest was fun to watch. I mean, this pony was short by pony standards; He came to a little bit above my knee. FUN.
By the time he had come back out holding a few bags I had already counted out 300(!) bits and placed them on the counter. He looked at the money, counted it and the pushed the bags into my hands "I Thank you for your business, now, please leave. You’re scaring my other customers." Must resist decking, ponies+me= squishy right? FUCK.
I left. But not before noticing that his ass had NO other customers! ARGH!

I made my way to the same little shop Luna and I went to yesterday and got a *Special* coffee, because it was a very special order, large Iced coffee I requested and went into detail, iced coffee, whip cream, caramel...Oh yea. I was happy when they accepted the challenge; it was a new drink so they didn't have the proper materials.
It took...Ten minutes? For them to get it all, when it was done I’m not gonna lie, I was impressed. Another 10 bits and I had purchased the ponies that made the drinks their own and they loved it. They decided to name it the "Eclipse special" fun! (I actually get one every day and share it with the princesses, they love it!) After that little stint I headed to the bath house.
This time I Hesitated. Because, I had a toilet in my room at the castle... Why not a shower? Ugh.

As I entered the bath house I was approached by a few ponies Asking what I required, blah blah blah, But the pony behind the desk, an older mare named Bubbly (Nice older mare, pale blue, white mane. Can you guess her cutie-mark?) Recognized me from yesterday, calmed down the girls and asked if I wanted an "Alone room" I was so happy I think I paid too much.
Didn’t matter, I took my bath (So manly.) And got out clean, taking out my new clothes. I’m happy to say, It was froufrou, but not horrid. It looked a lot like a classical Black and white tuxedo from earth though the shoulders had those frilly shoulder things (The only actual white thing on the suit were the frills and trim.). The pants were equally simple, and (To my surprise) there were boxers! After changing (And removing my toga...Heh.)

I felt like a million bucks...Bits....Good, I felt good. The clothes were surprisingly well fitted, and the shoulder filly’s didn't bother me, at least. Not much. And when I left I knew ponies were looking, but I didn't care, I felt pretty snazzy. PLUS I didn't rip the clothing getting it on. This was weird when I thought about it.

And god did I think about it. The entire way home in fact, why didn't the clothing rip? Why didn't it? I remember practically ripping the jacket but it didn't rip, it should have, I put way to much force on it. I had to test something. I walked to a nearby wall (It lead to a library, I wasn’t to scared of angry librarians...Never mind.) And I pushed.

This damn wall should have crumbled. Was I doing it wrong? Was I losing my super strength?! I did frown; I’m not going to lie. So to but everything else to the test, (Including my clothing because Tuxes are GREAT for workouts.)

I ran all the way back to the castle at top speed. By this time I had killed maybe four hours, oh right, I didn't tell you the time from this morning, sorry, Luna woke me at about nineish. So I managed to do everything I needed done and get back to the castle by 1 PM Good time for only walking the path twice.

I reached the castle (Almost twelve miles if I’ve got my facts straight) and my heart was pumping, I felt good. And that was weird. I HATED exercising. But this whole world just made me...Excitable may be too strong a word. But still sums it up nicely.
I had barely broken a sweat. And I couldn't help myself I had to touch something again. I went to a nearby pillar (Was chained to the damn draw gate, not the best idea, but looking back only makes you remember how stupid you are right?)
And I pushed. (Thank god) It didn’t break. And again, SERIOUSLY mixed feelings. I could run for EVER and not be tired. But no super strength? Most likely for the best right? Could only get me in trouble.

I entered the castle *After the guards leered at me did the regular "You shall not pass" Bit, followed by me waiting all of ten seconds for them to stop being dicks and walked in.* I went straight to the throne room, I wanted to show Luna my new duds! They were nice, although the run made me learn they were a bit more restricting then I liked.

I spotted Celestia taking petitioners in her regular daily-drawl. Poor girl. I Decided I should leave her alone, Luna wasn’t here anyway. So I headed to the gardens (My favorite hangout aside from the library). And again found thorn sitting there, though this time she perked up when she saw me, and that made me worry a bit. "Uh. Hi thorn."

I was a lot quieter than I thought moving into the small garden area, which I haven't explained in detail have I? Well I’ll give it a shot. Not the whole garden mind you that would take days! Just MY spot. And I guess thorns too. The area consisted of a three-wall hedge circling the tree with a few benches on the inside that's really it, it’s a simple spot, only a small walking distance from the castle entrance, and I liked it.

Thorn looked almost sad about something "what’s wrong? You’re all…Sad." I don't think you guys understand my mindset enough for this next part to be honest. I feel I haven't explained it enough. But still. Thorn looked at me and her eyes began to well up, they were already bloodshot. I could tell she was crying. HARD.
So I did the one thing I think any of us would do if we saw a crying pony. I hugged her, held her close and let her cry. When she was done again (although still hiccupping) I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. "My family...They...T-they don't want an-anything to do W-with me..." I stared at her for a moment before I noticed a letter on the bench opposite me I grabbed it and turned it over.

I’ll try and write it exactly as I remember it. No cut ins for my AWESOME commentary.

To, Thorn Bush

Dear Thorn, I hope this letter reaches you in good health. Our family has done well.

The money you have been sending has been a great assistance and we regret that.

While you have been an excellent caretaker we have found that you are no longer

Fit to provide for us. As such we are moving. The last of your money arrived and was

Put to finding all of us a place outside your reach. Thorn I am sorry for this, it breaks

my heart to reveal this to you this way. But please don't fret, we are safe from you.

Sincerely, Rose Bush.

Take a double take on the name there, rose bush. Fun. I think through most of this letter I was just sad. It was like they were abandoning her and taking her money, but then I read that last line, But please don't fret, we are safe from you. Safe from you.
Like she was some disease. And the only redeeming trait is that this poor pony literally sent every bit she earned to these heartless asshats, and yet just like that they can up and abandon her, shit. They even ANNOUNCED it to her! I lost my cool, I did. Oh man, I still regret it. I took a swing at the tree, and it was horrible, my Knuckles were bleeding but I didn't care, I started pacing ranting about how these ponies were cruel, sick jokes and should never have existed.

And to be honest, what happened next just made me respect Thorn all the more. She hugged ME guys, ME. I don't know if you understand what it’s like. It broke my heart. This pony was trying to calm ME down, and I talked to her with the intention of helping her.
She only came up to my chest when standing on both back legs but it was enough. And my anger was filled with a deep sadness. I sat on the grass and we just held each other crying.

I am a hard core pessimist; you all know this by now, expect the worst hope the best, still sucks. But this damned pony tried to cheer me up. And only made me realize how much I actually missed my parents. My family, my real home. I missed the day by day monotony, talking to my mom, watching my little pony, reading fan-fictions about it.
Hating on my brother for not liking the show, everything. Just, life. Thorn and I held each other and cried over our lost family, lost chances, and an unknown future. (Dramatic pause) Sorry. Thought I should try and cheer myself up. Getting all teary eyed thinking about Thorn. I think you guys get the point, let’s skip the waterworks Alright?

after a goof solid ten to twenty minute Bawl, both me and thorn, just stood up and wordlessly went to the small river flowing through the garden, splashed water on our faces and went about our day, for her I suppose that meant trying to find something to look busy on. The castle was ALWAYS clean. I didn't even understand why they had maids or what not.
As I walked down the now familiar halls of Canterlot castle I ran into Celestia who was on her way to the gardens. She stopped me long enough to explain that Luna was in the library and that she really liked my clothes, a quick thanks and a sprint to the library later, I was sitting in front of the princess of night, who was trying her hoof at a cross-word puzzle.
The princess, of the mo-fuggin NIGHT was having trouble finding "hippopotamus" She asked me to help her find it. Then she remembered who I was. But too late, she set herself up. "Sure princess, let me just. Oh dear, It appears these letters are all unknown to me. I’m sorry." I was being an ass, I didn't care. She just smiled anyway, over the next few hours I was taught the last few "Common" Equestrian, words and phrases. And that made me a smart pony. Fuck, Person. PERSON. Ugh.
And Princess Luna and I began my reading lessons, because If I could read it, I could write it.....


Hieroglyphs guys. All of them just, freaky symbols with funny meanings. Luna and I made honestly NO progress, I learned Half of A, Literally, Just A. and she had to go and raise the moon or what not, so I figured screw it. I headed to my room. Humming various tunes in my head. Eventually I settled on Kickapoo by Tenacious D, I listened to that song so much I actually began singing it out loud, In English of course. Most of the guards looked at me funny, but they all knew me by now.


Kinda cool actually. I’d been here what, seven? Eight days tops. and the catering staff (Which I STILL don't use) Knew my favorites, had a line directly to the only cafe which sold "Eclipse specials" (PFFT bahahahaha!) had a room-mate whose life was almost as fucked as mine, was living under the council of not one but TWO royal family members, one of which I was growing kinda uncomfortable around. And the other who was like a big sister, even though we didn't talk much.

I was happy, getting the whole family thing off my chest with thorn made me feel A LOT better. When I got to the room Thorn was there, jumping on a second bed next to mine "Look! Look eclipse I got a bed!" this girl... She was sweet guys, she was. Always bubbly, after the whole *pony-eating monster* Part of the relationship. Cutest voice, Reminded me of fluttershy.

Then it hit. And I mean it really hit me. OH man. I was in fucking EQUESTRIA. I know, I know "It took him this long to realize!?" right? Right. I was on auto-pilot. OH man. I didn't even know. Watching thorn jump on this bed made it all crash on me. I could meet twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy!! Rainbow dash, Pinkie pie! Shit. I guess rarity too. Bit posh but I still liked her all the same.
Then it all started seeping in, my actions over the last few days really took hold. I was in freaking Equestria.

I got up into my bed. And stared at the slowly closing door with my new name on it. "I’m in Equestria..." I caught myself saying out loud. "Well of course you are eclipse! I couldn't jump on a bed you let me have if you weren't!" Her logic was infallible.
I'm not sure what did it, the sudden onset of my equestrian companions bubbly wit, the realization I really wasn’t in my own world, or the fact that, If I was perfectly honest with myself. In all likelihood. I was dead. But, I passed the hell out. Fainted, dropped like a rock.

And I’m pretty sure I had a nightmare.

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