• Published 30th Jan 2012
  • 12,936 Views, 791 Comments

The nature of the beast. - Kintra

The adventures of a sarcastic pessimist who visits a world full of creatures who love and tolerate.

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(42) Life: Cravings

After plenty of frustration and not thinking about fluttershy, I was able to explain why humans wear boxers, Rarity of course was beet red after she found out humans don’t have, protection like stallions, Fluttershy just smiled through most of it, I guess when you take care and participate in animal husbandry not much phases you. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to look at any pony through the whole freaking process of explaining, Mostly because me face was burning and generally speaking now I’m thinking of fluttershy and rarity in the wrong way, this whole situation is just….FUCKED.

“I…See, I apologize, and I did not realize it was so important for humans to…Cover themselves. Are you truly that sensitive?” I had my pants on at this point; Boxers weren’t going to help any.

“Listen, Rarity... Humans are very sensitive, sexually I mean, we are very… Well, sensitive, that’s as far as I’m going with that one. I’m sure ponies in this world can also do…Things, for fun. Humans were a lot like that, minus when it comes to us, it doesn’t take a lot to trigger a response. Even thinking about something…Off, for a certain period of time can ‘raise the mast’ so to speak, so yea, next time you’re curious, choose a different body part okay?” She just nodded. I hated explaining this shit. Fluttershy was still smiling…

“Right... On to the whatever is next?” Rarity hopped up and started walking, Fluttershy just kept sitting there. Although now her eyes were closed and her head was tilted to the side.

“Fluttershy?” I heard her squeak as she snapped out of whatever she was in, her face turned red as she looked at me and she started following Rarity. What was she thinking about?
I shook my head, No way to know for sure. I turned and followed the two girls I now seemed to spend my spa time with. Unfortunately due to previous distractions my eyes were glued to the wrong places.
I was suddenly extremely aware that ponies don’t wear clothes….

“UGH dammit…” It was actually really comfortable walking around in just my pants, not to mention I never really had looked at myself, I mean, I knew my body had become more defined since coming here, but…Wow. I was looking good! But I eventually stopped when we made it to the “Primp and pamper” part of the tour, I was able to stop Aloe and another spa pony from doing my nails again. I still couldn’t get all the paint off….Stupid…polish...
So I ended up just sitting back in this weird chair thing, and listening to everything around me. It was…Calming. Up until I heard.

“You so don’t deserve a polish.” I knew that voice. Brew hopped up onto my chair crawling onto my chest she just sat there.

“You are evil.” Okay.

“What did I do?”

“You moved something onto the teleporter; I had to ask Princess Luna to bring me here.” I readjusted to see around better

“Luna is here?” Brew laughed.

“Still pining after the princess?” DUH.

“Yea…I am.” I sat back down; it was obvious she wasn’t here.

“Oh Eclipse...You have so many wonderful women in your life, can’t you pick one and just stop all this nonsense?”

“Brew, you have the body of an eight year old. I hate to say it, but not much of what you say when it comes to relationships will have much sway, Not to mention, you have already hit on me.” She blushed.

“I was DRUNK okay?! One time! Once!” Actually, that was the third. Nonetheless.

“Well, anyway, you get your teaching job or whatnot?” she frowned a little and sighed

“No go huh? You talk to the princess about getting an ‘I’m older then I look’ badge?” she laughed.

“Yes eclipse, I did. And I’m afraid she says it will take a few days to ship the letter out here, she doesn’t wish to use twilights dragon as an instant delivery system, Why it would take a few days when Canterlot is a little ways away is…Odd, but she is the princess.” I just nodded at that; there are some things Celestia did that just didn’t add up. Luna had a few moments like that; I had a small box where I threw mine out like candy. If I made sense what fun would I be?

“You know what sounds amazing right now brew.” She looked at me quizzically.

“I want ice cream…” she started laughing. Brew has an infectious laugh, within minutes the entire spa building was laughing. Even fluttershy tried. She just ended up putting on that awkward smile she had earlier… What was she thinking about?! I need to kill time, and hide, I think… Where to go…

A quick clothes retrieval and a walk out of town I was visiting sweet apple acres for the second time since my arrival in Ponyville. I really should have gone to Sugarcube corner, I don’t think I’ve even been there…And suddenly I really wanted to see pinkie pie… *Sigh*

“Why is it that the only one I can get away with cuddling with is the one that DOESENT want something…ugh.” I just kept walking, there’s no reason to think about it now.
On my way through the orchards I saw Applejack was back on the farm so I figured I would go kick it with her, little did I realize I meant that literally. And after testing my strength against a tree, I realized there is no way in hell I could ever apple buck, and that my foot hates me.

“Ow, sonofabitch!” Applejack just laughed.

“And that’s what ya get fer playing with mah ear earlier!” You loved it.

“Yea yea, Im sorry about that by the way, I mean. I’m not SORRY about it; I just don’t want to lose you as a friend because your ear tip is sensitive.” She stopped bucking and touched the tip of her ear with a hoof.

“Well, I admit it startled me ah bit, learnin that mah ear was able ta do that ta me. But ah don’t think ya need to worry `bout it effectin our friendship, Bulls-eye told me all about yalls ‘courtroom escapades’ as she called it.” I just laughed.

“Yea, it was a fun time, plus I didn’t have to apologize because I thought I would lose some prissy lady as a friend, Nobles were fun to mess with, but I don’t think I could stand being around one.” We both laughed and agreed on that fact but then she replied with

“Ya know we both can’t git along with the frou-frou” Pfft ahahhaha! “Types, so why is it that rarity is our friend?” I just smiled at that.

“Because the reason we can’t get along with the ‘Frou-frou’ types is that they are all mean sadistic ponies who never think of any pony but themselves. For Rarity she does what she does because she loves it, and aspires to be great. She is certainly frou-frou, but she isn’t selfish…And she doesn’t look bad either.” Applejack thought about that a moment and then blushed pulling her hat down over her face.

“ya had ta make me think about mah friends like that didn’t ya.” I sat against a nearby tree.

“Yea, I did. I can’t be the only one suffering with being attracted to damn near all of my friends.” She laughed and walked over to me. Sitting down by me she offered me a hug, which I took with no hesitation, Fucking hugs man! The most awesome things ever!

“Eclipse, I understand where yer comin from, and I respect that your confused. But have ya thought that they would be happy for ya no matter who you chose?” Oh god, she’s turning into brew…Where is brew? Whatever.

“Sure, they would be happy Aj. So long as it was them I chose, earlier today Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle looked like they wanted to tear into each other, and no not in the sexy way.” She blushed again.

“Ya need to stop saying things like that, it’s mighty embarrassing. But still, if what ah heard about vinyl is true, then maybe ya ought to pick someone who is more…Local, ah guarantee they wouldn’t be mad for long, they are strong girls eclipse, if they feel they have a chance, I’m sure they will wait.” I let my head drop. Unfortunately it went the wrong way and I ended up hitting my head on the tree. This ended up dropping a single apple right into my lap.

“Convenient.” I heard AJ pip.

“AJ, I just… I don’t WANT them to wait, I want to be able to make both of them happy with as little sadness as possible…” she just laughed and started going back to bucking.

“Life aint fair sometimes sugarcube.” Words to live by. *Sigh*

“I’m going to the bank, then getting frozen deliciousness. You wanna come?” she shook her head

“I lost ah lot of time this mornin ah got a lot o trees to buck. Thankfully big macs comin back soon. There should be another zap apple harvest in a month or so, you gonna be awake this time? I’ll save ya a jar a jam.” I just laughed; I stood and grabbed the apple in my lap. “Yea AJ, I think I’ll be awake…But you know life.” She just nodded as I took my leave.
So weird that Applejack would end up being my voice of reason. I’m so used to Luna that I never thought things like this were necessary, But I have to admit, I was feeling a lot better.

“Maybe this won’t be so bad If I can find the right one…maybe…I should avoid the mane six though...Or mane five. Heh.” I stopped a moment. “Apple jack... Is a lesbian…?” My mind short circuited for a good four minutes before my auto pilot kicked in and took me to the “Bank of Equestria” or “Equestria national” depending on where you were, there was only one bank in Equestria so either way you look at it it’s okay. A quick exchange of words and paperwork and I was on my way out with a good palm full of bits. And the horrible part is, I still had barely worked off my first check from the mayor…

“She is paying me way too much…” I sighed and headed to Sugarcube corner. Was there a connection behind AJ calling everyone Sugarcube and the corner? Some deep seated conspiracy behind confectionaries that intend to rule the world?!

“Seriously stop thinking...” I started rubbing my face while walking, until I tripped over someone.
After a few quick apologies to a brown mare who reminded me of Be and a sigh, I was back on my way. Without my hands on my face.

When I got there pinkie pie was waiting outside the door with a worried look on her face. She was also doing this little dance
which made it kinda…Funny, to watch her. She looked like she had to pee to be honest.

“Uh, pinkie?” she shot to me all wide eyed.

“ECLIPSE! You gotta help me!” Oh god, she killed someone and wants me to hide the body!

“With?” I was trying to remain calm


“Pinkie, calm down, take a deep breath, and think about how delicious ice cream is. Breathe in, breathe out.” It was working she calmed down a bit.

“Good?” she nodded. “Okay, tell me slowly.”

“My oven keeps burning the cupcakes I make…” Oh, okay, see that’s not so bad.

“Okie dokie, let’s see that oven.” She took me inside past a very upset looking Mr. and Ms. Cake Upset over the so called cursed oven, or pinkie, no clue. But I went in anyway, to find that pinkies oven was, in fact. Cursed. With massive buildup.

“Pinkie, Do you ever clean this thing?” she shook her head.

“Have you recently checked the wiring?” again.

“Can you bring me some tools?” she brightened

“You can fix it!?” I shrugged.

“Be my first time working on an oven, but I can try.” What more could you ask?
Twenty minutes, two electrical burns and a pair of gloves later, I had her oven fixed and cleaned. And actually felt kind of accomplished.

“Wow…Alright; there you go, try to keep the walls of the oven clear, buildup and all that.” She nodded and gave me a hug.

“Thanks Eclipse. You’re a good friend!” Yea…Yea I am.

“Well, I didn’t say I was doing it for free.” She stopped hugging me and looked at me all sad.

“What do you want?” I laughed.

“Can I get a bowl of pistachio ice cream?” and there’s the smiley pinkie. Why are ponies so damned cute!?

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