• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2018

Shortcourt


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Everyone is familiar with the "waking up as a pony" trope, but no one expected this particular trope to occur in reality. Especially the 'pony' in this picture, who life gets more complicated then before. It will be a cumulative effort to adjust to this lifestyle, but surmounting this transformation is the only beneficial option.This story varies from mundane to supernatural carnage.



(Credit to Samaru163 for the coverart)
(Proof read by HoloGraphic starting from chapter 12-17)

Chapters (42)
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Comments ( 494 )

Nice writing style.
Not much to say here, but I'll track for future chapters.

Don't dissapoint.. :P

1845856 Alright.1845857 Thanks. I'll promise I won't. The next chapter will be way more lengthy then this one.

Pony Transformation plague? :pinkiegasp:
Buck it, I'm in! :pinkiehappy:

Imagine your life taking a 360 turn in one day.

So like, everything's the same then?

1846213 Hehe, my bad, I meant 180.

As a fan of Gender Bending stories I look forward to seeing where this will go.:twilightsmile:

I'm liking this so far, especially the characters. Normally excessive swearing bothers me in a story, but I'm ok with it in here. If I have any problems it's this, break the paragraph every time a new speaker begins so as to not confuse us. :pinkiesmile:

Want criticism? Will do :trollestia: (in a good way). :raritywink::scootangel:

Hmmm. Not a bad start for your story. It's easy enough to follow, and has a solid beginning, middle and end (despite being WIP).

Okay, I'd best say this before a hungry troll arrives, ahem. You have "Wall of Text" syndrome. *pause for dramatic effect*. This makes the story harder for people to read (as a personal note, it didn't bother me. But, I'm not everyone), and makes conversations more difficult to follow. There were several spelling and grammatical errors. My advice? When you finish a chapter, step away for at least a few hours. Play a game, relax to some tunes, do homework (ugh); but just do something to let your mind "unwind" from writing. Then, proofread your story. I guarantee that you'll find and correct ten times as many errors than if you tried to correct immediately after writing. A separate proofreader also helps, as having a second opinion is never a bad idea.

On that note, you may want to slow down with adding chapters. Two in one day? That's pretty good, but remember: speed kills. Take your time, consolidate ideas, make details and descriptions. In writing, slow and steady definitely wins the race, and makes a better chapter; therefore more satisfying to the reader (which results in more thumbs up and positive comments! :ajsmug:)

The story also feels a tad on the rushed side, and felt like you just wanted to "get it over with", in a way. The way I feel about it, that could have maybe been stretched out to be three or even four chapters.

Now, personally, I don't like to use bold in my stories, but that is completely up to you. I do like to use italicize though, for things like thoughts inside the main character's head, or for dramatic actions (E.G. Twitch; as well as for the names of ships (E.G. the SSV Normandy).

There was an article on FimFiction that was about the correct use of punctuation and other symbols in writing, like quotations etcetera. If I can find it, I'll edit this comment with a link. I think it will help you out a lot. :twilightsmile:

Despite all that, you're off to a solid start. Normally when I read a story, and the grammar/spelling is bad, I stop reading. But I was "enthralled" with your own story. That means that for your first attempt at writing, story wise, you did above average (In this writer's opinion, anyways).

Well, I really hope this advice helps. Please don't be discouraged! :fluttershysad: Honestly, I'd rather have just one criticizing comment than hundreds of "your story is awesome!!!!11!11!1" compliments. Why? Because such comments don't help a writer to grow or improve. Not to say they aren't welcome, they are just not as helpful.. :moustache:

Best of luck to you and your story! :pinkiesmile: I look forward to more. :raritystarry:

Wow. This guy's bro is exactly like mine. An absolute brony-hater. Which is why I keep my brony-ness hidden from him.

1847310 Thanks! Yeah, I can tone down the swearing alittle. I'm just so use to talking like that around my friends, heh.

1847480 Alright. I'll try to find a proof-reader, it seems a obligatory option if I want my story to be better.:twilightblush: Anyways, thanks for the advice, I know what I'm expected to do better now. I also agree with the "rushed" part, I felt like I could expand the dialogue between the characters and detail interactions better. Thanks again.:twilightsmile:

1847592 Must be really awkward for you, huh? :derpyderp2:

This chapter was a vast improvement over the last two. It was easier on the eyes and the information flowed much smoother. I also like how this chapter wasn't as rushed as the others while still giving us all those great character moments and humor that makes me love the gender bending genera.

Please keep to this style through the rest of the fic.:rainbowkiss:

Ahhhh *sighs in relief*. This chapter is much better! I'm glad to see that you've taken my advice. :ajsmug:

Your spelling and grammar have improved by leaps and bounds. You proof read didn't you. :eeyup::moustache: It shows. There's still a mistake every now and then, but truth be told, I re-read some of my own that have been proof-read several times, and still I find mistakes! :twilightoops::twilightangry2:

And doesn't it just look a whole lot nicer when it's spaced properly? :raritywink: I could easily tell who was speaking without having to re-read sections. There are a couple paragraphs that aren't spaced properly, but it's not that big of a deal. Did you write this in a word or openoffice document and then copy/paste into FimFiction's poster/editor thing, spacing it out afterwards? That's what I do, and sometimes I screw up the spacing. I suspect that's what happened.

I'm perplexed as to why Shawn acted the way he (she? this is weird) did with the shower. Sure, hot water hurts :raritycry:, but to run away crying? Hm. And kudos to Katie for being an awesome sister! :raritystarry:

Greatly pleased at this new chapter. Keep up the good work! Dang, now I want you to hurry up again! :pinkiecrazy: (Don't listen to my crazy... remember: slow and steady! :trixieshiftright:) Ack! You be quiet normal side! WANT MOAR! :pinkiecrazy:

1862502

I'm assuming it's a pride thing, or rather a "Don't look at me like I'm pathetic/hopeless, because I am." kind of thing. It would be kind of hard to deal with that kind of thing.

This may have some potential, following :twilightblush:

1862502
Why thank you. The errors must be a result of me proof-reading at night time because I'm not very meticulous while I'm dormant, heh. Yes, I wrote it in word, but I'm currently writing the next chapter in Google docs because of the "import from Google docs" button I noticed. Plus, with Google docs, you can edit on any computer you want to. Glad this site has compatibly with google docs . :twilightsmile:

And as to why Shawn reacted that way, Halo Prime nailed it.Getting hit with hot water because you were too stubborn to let your human sibling adjust the water for you will not be good for your psychological state. Lucky Shawn has a diligent sister, because if Shawn went through this transformation by herself (going to use feminine pronouns for technicality) .she would probably be suicidal. Getting kicked out of your innate body is no easy thing to cope with, but getting your ass kicked by the world every other second? Nah.

Don't worry about the amount of the time the next chapter will be out; I estimate it will probably be out by today or tomorrow. Or next week :pinkiecrazy:

Nah, just kidding.

1858345 Oh, I definitely will be consistent with this style.

I like the character development in this chapter, especially from Shawn's brain. The exchange between them was both funny and went a long way in expanding the character's turmoil.

I know there is a ‘cod kid’ in all of us. If you deny it, you’re a fucking liar.

Amen! :rainbowwild:

I pick my head up and see two vague figures. On the left is a female, and on the right is a male, who is the holder of the voice. They stare at me confused. Silence fills the room, creating a taut atmosphere.
“Uh, hi Mom and Dad. Didn't I tell you guys to be sober?” I say with mirth in my voice, trying to break the silence.
They don’t respond, but their eyes pop up at what I said.
“Oh my god, this is too great!!” screams Dante.

He stole the words straight from my mouth!!! :rainbowlaugh:

Something about this chapter seems much better than the first few. Keep it up :twilightsmile:

And that's why I don't play Xbox :pinkiehappy:

1872742>>1868585 Glad you guys liked this chapter. You're gonna the love the next chapter when the climax of the story hits.

1873571 I'm more of a ps3 type of guy tbh.

I'm really flabbargasted that no one is spectating about how Shawn's future will be affected because of Dante's scheme. :applejackunsure:

I really loved this chapter, especially the conversations with Shawn's brain. But I'm a little skeptical about the UN killing all these people like that. Personally I just don't see the UN deciding 'Hmm, you know how we should solve this, kill every pony we can find! HAhahaha!':pinkiecrazy:

1884202 Oh, trust me, just wait till the next chapter. There will be a big twist.

1884237 Hahaha, kill them all...wait...what's that? They used to be humans? They might still be covered under the human rights....:applejackunsure:

Kill em all! Hahahahaha!':rainbowdetermined2:

1884243 Obama: Wait, this is totally un-ethical! Since we are trying to change, we should start by accepting the ponies into our population!

Comment posted by Shortcourt deleted Jan 1st, 2013

The rest of the nations: The U.s. government is different from ours :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Shawn: Buck...

1884292 Canada: We're multicultural and we refuse to commit genocide on our people.

Oh my. :applejackconfused: that's quite the twist! The U.N. is gonna commit genocide!? Well my faith in humanity (what little left there was) is now utterly crushed and non-existent. :pinkiesick:

I like the brain/Shawn conversations. Reminds me a bit of Blackjack in Project Horizons, great comedy tool. :raritywink:

You're still proof reading I assume? There seemed to be a few more mistakes in this chapter, like typing the same word twice: "...change would affect them them that badly!" And extra quotation marks elsewhere: “My son is a mare..”” he says in...

Just little stuff like that. Otherwise it's very good. :twilightsmile:

Oh, and (insert Uncle face from Jackie Chan Adventures) one moooore thing! When using quotation marks in a character's dialogue, just use the apostrophe. E.G: “Yeah Mom, you look like Shawn turning into a pony is the end of the world. I mean sure, it’s bad that you loss a 'son', but I mean-” (Oh, and P.S., "loss" should be "lose" or "lost")

Like the word 'son' should just have apostrophes around it instead of quotation marks; when it's being quoted inside dialogue. Unless I'm mistaken, I believe quotation marks are okay for words if they are not inside a character's dialogue. Please somepony correct me if I'm wrong. :twilightsheepish:

Oh, and Happy New Year! (Well, almost!) :twilightsmile::pinkiesmile::ajsmug:

just....no. They would likely collect them and isolate them until they could determine if they were infectuas. If so then they would isolate them pernamenlty. Australia is now ponyland or something like that.

Brain, she figured us out!
Oh shit!
Shit got real, brain!
No shit, bro!
What we gonna do, broman!
The question is what are you gonna do, my friend. I’m going to sleep, bye.
You son of a- gah! I'll get you.

Hah! :rainbowlaugh:

Although, I'm a bit "ehhh" about possible genocide/euthinization with the government or w/e. Treating it like a disease would make no sense. It's an event that seems random, and at most, would justify studies and research. They would research and question everyone who transformed into ponies (getting their backgrounds and learning about what they did the night before), then just let them go probably. If anything else, have them do studies on their anatomy (especially unicorns and pegasi) without dissecting or harming them. They are clearly sentient people with the same conscious that they had before transforming. As for a cure, the changing of one species to another alone seems scientifically impossible. How are they ever going to find a cure?

Note that I'm not questioning your choice of words or story telling, I'm just poking at the logic that this type of "government" would have for a course of actions.

1885339
1887851
1884357
The more I have you guys spectate, the more confident I get about my writing ablities.
:rainbowlaugh:
All seriousness, I expected this chapter to stir controversy. It's all apart of the authors intent baby! If I say anything, I will spoil the next chapter, so I'll just let you guys figure out this conundrum yourselves cause I'm evil.:pinkiecrazy:
1884689
Why thank you, good sir. Yes, Shawn's brain can be his best friend/enemy depending on the circumstances. I'll correct those errors tomorrow since I'm not on a comp. About the U.N trust me, you will love the allusions in the next chapter.:trollestia:

1889412 You are most welcome. :twilightsmile: Greatly anticipating the next chapter -- and that cover art! Shawn is so cute! *gets smacked* Ow!

1889705 Hey, who goes around smacking people because of my cute artwork? C'mon, show yourself?:ajbemused:

So.... there's no crossover tag.. I guess that means we won't be seeing any of this, then?
cosplayisland.co.uk/files/costumes/1332/20383/Giygas%20first%20stage.png

1954300 Well, shit... I really wanna get that game...

10k word chapter, ever realize its the same as the price for the 'needle'? I bet that shot is cyanide or arsenic, given the antagonist told Fuckbama to add that to the hospitals. I'm an absolute supporter for Romney, beeyotches!:rainbowkiss:

Holy shit. Well, that was a LONG chapter! I did a double take when I saw that. :rainbowderp:

This gonna be good. Three way battle between Shawn, his male half, and this new feminine half. Oh the shenanigan possibilities. And this doctor and the, now very suspect shot, conspiracy now. Glad to finally have an antagonist. I have some more "main villain" antagonist stuff lined up for my own story, but that will come soon enough.

I'm sorry to say that there's still quite a few errors in spelling/grammar. Just like before, it's nothing major, just small stuff; but it is noticeable. Even with that in mind, there is still a good bit of improvement evident in writing style as well as spelling/grammar.

Now if only I can get over this writer's block and pump out my next stuff...

Eagerly awaiting your next entry! :twilightsmile:

Haha, this is some classing GB stuff that I just adore to see!

First up, Shawn's new brain is a wonderful bit of conflict to add to him. I like her so far, but if she tries anything to take over or alter his mind I will revoke that statement. The moments with his family were very heartwarming and I especially liked that bit with his uncle. I guess it's because of personal reasons mostly, but I felt it was nice.

I knew the U.N would never agree to this stupid genocide, and this antagonistic figure actually reminds me of another group of scientist who like to experiment with ponies. I think it's pretty intimidating and can't wait to see who they are.

The only problem I have is the coloured text for the villain. Was it really needed? Couldn't you just have used descriptions indead?:unsuresweetie:

1954367 Nice analyzing there. I didn't even know, lol. Plus, that's a pretty good assertion, I mean, it's possible. Btw, I say fuck both of them. Only if Ron Paul was the president...

1955220 I don't remember saying this chapter would be a doozy, but next time I'll give a heads up if the chapters is galore with words. :pinkiesmile: Yeah, the female side of Shawn was an idea that was floating in my head for awhile. I thought it would be interesting and make Shawn's introspective conflict more intriguing. I didn't begin next chapter yet because writers block, exams, etc... Those are the biggest bitches ever. I promise you though, it will live up to your expectations. I can see myriad mistakes grammatically and spacing wise as well. I thinks getting an editor would be circumspect now. Thanks, and I also highly anticipate the next entry to your title. :twilightsmile: What if Shawn and Sam met?:rainbowlaugh

:1960598 Glad you found what you were looking for. Shawn's new brain isn't here to relapse Shawn's personality completely, but she will heavily influence Shawn's future decisions. Plus, she seems amiable, I doubt she will do that to Shawn

I felt the story needs heartwarming moments like that to show that Shawn has a compassionate family. Honestly, all these Hie fanfics (even though this is not germane to one at all) makes the main protagonist's family heartless assholes. With the exception of Dante, Shawn has a wonderful family that supports him in stagnant time of need, something all people should have.

I don't know what scientist you are referring to, but that's cool that the antagonist type isn't foreign to you, i guess. About the text, that was deliberate. Every chapter I'm slowly revealing more stuff about him. It might seem gratuitous, but I'm trying to feel the suspense beaker.:pinkiehappy:

1971670 Ok, just know that you're most likely going to deter people from your story if you keep with the coloured text. Oh, and about me finding things in this story, just know that you'll have to work very hard to surprise me in a GB fic. I've read lots of them so most of the other things people find surprising or shocking don't get me the same way. Still, you're certainly welcome to try. :trollestia:

I also agree about the heartless family entirely, why do they have to all be jerks?

As for the scientist and who they are...read one of Psycho's stories.

1971706 Not only that, but the spacing seems to be screwed up. Gonna have to edit that, but this will be the last chapter with colored text for homo-saipens. Pinkie promise :pinkiecrazy:

Telling me it's hard to make you shocked sounds like a challenge to me.. Since I'm tenacious, I'm going to try and spice things up and do things that never graced Gb before. Of course I never read every Gb fic before, but I can do something out of the norm.

As for the heartless family thing, I bet bronies are using that to try and get the viewers to sympathize with their characters. Depending on the situation it's not bad, but now it's just cliche and overused. Another thing I have contempt for in HiE fics is they make their character an antisocial loser who wants to go to Equestria and live the "good life". Well, I think having a character living a pretty good life and have it abase to hell is more interesting.

Read one of Psycho stories, huh? Kinda vague, but I'll check.

1971789 I agree entirely, that's when I get the confidence to write a GB story it won't be like that.

And if that's what you're gonna try, why not make a wager to see if you can back up that boast? :rainbowdetermined2:

1971813 I hope your new years resolution was to get the confidence to write one. :trollestia:

And I don't do wagers anymore. :eeyup:

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