• Member Since 18th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 17th, 2016

Hazardus_Havard



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Lyra, a simple pony with simple dreams. Dreams involving aliens, that is. Her fascination with them even got her a job dealing with them, though no one takes it seriously. Lyra hopes to one day be able to meet one, she just needs to believe.

In comes a human, whom mysteriously gets transported to Equestria. It's up to Lyra to show the alien the ways of her people! The power of friendship, magic, and hugs await her on this strange adventure.

Chapters (23)
Comments ( 835 )

....Alright im interested:trixieshiftright: continue please

Just read it... Crazy high hopes for this story.
~No pressure~

Uhm... the sentence and paragraph structure is exceedingly awkward in a good majority of this first part. It takes three times as many words to say something as it should.

And this: ”Good eye Anon, but this ain’t no ordinary missile. No siiireeee bob it ain’t! No, this thing I got from an….outside source, had it made up to destroy something massive with the power of over six thousand sticks of dynamite, along with some experimental chemicals and strange shit put in it for an extra kicker!”

Ok, this is the laziest thing I have ever seen. I am not even going to bother talking about all the absurdities of the mystery missile, but I will mention a few. Does this ship even bother with security? You do not just 'sneak' a giant frigging missile around. Who built this thing? What's the deal with the 'experimental chemicals'? Do you honestly expect us to believe a small chemical explosion would open an interdimensional portal when nuclear detonations and countless other chemical explosives of the same magnitude and drastically higher didn't? What about a guidance system? I highly doubt the environmentalist retard has the brains to program a flight trajectory. Why not just smuggle a non-flying bomb? You know, it'd be much smaller and easier to hide. Or perhaps just the warhead of a missile. The entire premise from the start makes absolutely no sense. You clearly didn't bother researching anything or even bother trying for a plausible setup.

The writing itself is flat, emotionless, and drab. There is virtually no detail about anything. No setting details, no mood-building, no character-building, no world-building, nothing at all. We are just given a rapid string of narrative that serves absolutely no purpose than to get the character into Equestria, where Lyra waits with a job that makes no sense at all. What new creatures could be found on a world the Princesses know inside and out? You even take out the possibility of alien life in their universe, making her job even less sensible. You could have at least left open the potential for alien worlds, perhaps even hinted that the Princesses had met some at some point long ago, perhaps setting some sense of tension or apprehension. But no, every potential point of interest is slaughtered and we're left with a pile of inconsistent nonsense.

The plot is utterly bare-bones at best and has very little potential for development. Given the prohibitions laid out in the story and the unorthodox and incomprehensible mechanisms by which the character is thrust into the Equestriaverse, I cannot see that there is anything possible path other than a cliched tour of Canterlot and Ponyville, and then the sudden emergence of either Discord or Chrysalis to have some kind of 'action' for a while until it all ends with a ridiculous deux ex intervention.

This is just another in a VERY large pile of exceedingly lack-luster stories of late. I suppose it's to be expected, given how well cliched, angsty, one-dimensional nonsense such the "Beautiful Creatures", "Wings", and "Twilight" series are beloved and praised by vapid little tween-age twits across the globe.

Second person?

Damn. There goes my hopes of the human turning out to be a psychopathic serial killer.

But then again the 'comedy' tag probably should have given that away.

I have to agree with Alondro on this one. This story did not catch my eye.

Ooh, this looks interesting.

*Reads comments*

I don't want to believe.

Just not feeling it. I'm surprised this isn't interesting me more.

1820059

To be fair, this is simply a Prologue of the story. It's an introduction to the entire thing, so of course some of the details will not make sense until a later time. Yes, I will give it to you that I didn't proof this well enough. I hope not to make that mistake in later chapters. So many of the facts and details you pointed out, it being drab and emotionless, you need to remember this is still only a Prologue.

As for the missile, I never stated that was how he got to Equestria, that is you throwing accusations around. And who's to say what each person is knowledgable in?

And why do people need to know so much in the beginning? I made that mistake before, writing every little detail imaginable for the reader. All that was left was a boring read, full of facts that people reading it did not care about.

Seeing the picture my first thoughts were that Lyra was going to be the alien.

I'll read it later today

:trixieshiftright: Alright... I'll give this a chance. Let's see what you got Mr Author!?

Although what some have said, this could have some hope. I do hope you make another chapter. My libraian always said, read the first chapter, don't like it? It's not for you. :twilightsmile:

ima fav this just to see where it goes. I must say thought that I wasn't very enthralled in reading this, I felt like I was reading a story from an english literature book. By this I mean I was reading it, but with little enthusiasm. However, i'm sure that all this adventure and comedy will come into place soon. The very last thing I must say is that you should try and stay away from the normal bullshit writers usually write, and if you don't know what they usually write I suggest reading some HiE and lyra fanfics, as they will give you an idea of what is usually written in these fics.

1820059 after reading your list of concerns or complaints I must ask, what exactly are you looking for in a Fic? I too have read alot of mainstream crap, by god they are basically like christmas songs around christmas time. By this I mean they are basically different versions of the same song, which can be very annoying, hence I understand your frustration. However, I must argue that the character building probably will happen later in the story, you can't just build a character and immediately give the readers the character, obviously we're going to see how the character reacts to this sudden transport of some sort, as well as learn how they act around the new environment.

The overall details although, could indeed be enhanced a little, the setting to be more specific. As I was reading It just said they were on a boat. where is the boat and what is their purpose on the boat? My fault if I didn't read clearly enough if it actually stated their purpose on the boat as well as the location of the boat.

What exactly is World building? Must he explain the world of which we all know? It seems kind of pointless. Unless you mean where in the world they are located, then that may serve as important, but only for the human since we already know that lyra and bon bon are located in Ponyville.

Regarding the missle, your questions of "Who built this thing? What's the deal with the 'experimental chemicals'?", are of no importance to the reader. Who built it doesn't matter, as he has no relevance to what the story is about or what is going to happen. If you can tell me of the builder's significance, other than possible partnerships or transactions with a made up figure, his name is not necessary. The chemicals? what do we need to know about the chemicals? Absolutely nothing, So i must say in my opinion, the mentioning of Chemicals is unnecessary. Therefore I would recommend removing the mentioning of such Chemicals. I must agree though that the obtaining as well as getting this thing on the ship could be of use, because I do wonder on how he got this thing onto the ship. A warhead is useless, how would he get the warhead to it's destination, as well as activating it, without killing himself? A flightless missle would also be useless unless it is a torpedo.

I agree with the grammar and sentence structure. Lastly, how can you judge how the plot will happen? Because you read alot of stories that usually end the same and go along the same lines? I argue this because you cannot judge a story based on the many you've seen. Overall, I get what you are saying and indeed, there should be a little more detail, but some of the things you are asking for are of no significance, unless they are brought up later in the story, which we don't know. And I would also like to know what you are looking for in a fic? I would really like to know.:trixieshiftright:

1824411 The point is that for an opening to a Pony tale that begins in our world to work, the events must have some semblance of realism. That this crazy environmentalist got on board a boat with a missile completely crushes any believability for anyone who has any slight notion of modern security. And the droning on and on about UN involvement, as if the UN would even bother with a single rig under construction, is so broken up and illogical it passes several times beyond absurdity.

This might have made sense if the setting had been a rig on the border of international waters, perhaps set near the contested islands between China and Japan, where one WOULD expect some sort of missile attack or bombing attempt, and which would explain UN involvement.

But to start out with a hyper-exaggerated environmental terrorist attack that simply would not happen in anything other than the silliest of the old-days James Bond movies is simply ridiculous and does not inspire any confidence in the coming story.

A prologue should do everything possible to build a strong foundation for future events and progression. This opening scene accomplishes nothing but cobble together a weak basis for throwing the human into Equestria.

I would suggest you read prologues in any number of famous works to see for yourself how they function in storytelling.

1825887
Maybe you should check the tags out for this story, mate. The first one there is comedy. Yes, it's a silly start. I think that was the idea. And yes, several of the points you made are accurate. However, I recently redid about half of this prologue for the author in an attempt to proofread it to help him. If you check it out again, at least the first half is very different from how it originally was.

And if you read one of the author's comments here, you'll see that while what the insane guy did might have been the catalyst for getting Anon to Equestria, it also might well not have been. As of now it's still up in the air. This is just the memory we see Anonymous having.

1825887 Ok, now that you've stated your opinion, can you answer my question of what you are looking for in a fic? I must know, because from what I've seen from your writing you seem have a very specific category for fic reading and I would like to know what that is.

Edit: Btw, instead of saying how this story is practically complete bs, maybe you should give this guy some advice? Surely a man of your knowledge must have an idea of how he can better himself, am I right?

I'm with Alondro.

Your sentence structure could really use work. It's supposed to be a silly start, but it came across as rather dark to me. And this Gleekman? He is not a believable character at all. I could never, ever imagine meeting someone like him. He doesn't even follow the normal rules of crazy; he follows what you think crazy is, or perhaps what you find annoying.

The solution? Read more, and attempt to understand what you're reading. Don't read a guide or anything. Read more fiction. Lovingly crafted, carefully written fiction of high regard. Douglas Adams comes to mind.

Please gain a better understanding of written English before continuing. :fluttercry:

I...NEED... MOOOOOAAAAARRRR:flutterrage:

I spent well over 12 hours redoing this entire chapter. It should be a cleaner, more enjoyable read than it was originally.
I also spent a few hours reworking the Prologue, so if you go back you will notice many changes were made.

1827132

Thanks to whatmustido for his help proofing.

oh this is gonna be good seeing as the princess think lyra is making it up.:pinkiehappy:

You were going to so many things with it, like studying it or learning from it.

Should be, You were going to 'do' so many things.

1834042
And I thank you for pointing that out, it has been corrected.

Gotta love Lyras crazy stalker personality.

Wow Lyra is looking at Anon like he is some kind of novelty.

Land Bear-Shark.
That made me laugh, hard! :rainbowlaugh:

Seriously, remember when she tried turning that tree sentient? All it did was yell out “Praise the Sun!” while whacking everypony away and throwing apples!”

It was pretty funny with Applejack trying to buck it, and the tree doing the bucking back.

OH MY GOODNESS!

I have GOT to read a story revolving around that. If no story exists, I'll have to write one. That's just too funny.

I love this story!

The bit with the tree made my day!

Man I had to re-read the part with the 'sentient tree' a few times to make sure I read it right... That is freaking amazing. Someone needs to write that. I would but I'm to lazy.

'This whole thing felt like a horrible piece of writing done up by an equally horrible writer. ' :ajsmug:

Anyway, great chapter! That sentient tree part..:rainbowlaugh:

Can't wait to see how this will evolve! :raritystarry:

“It’s probably sleeping right, now so be very careful not to wake it up.”- The comma is in the wrong spot.--> "It's probably sleeping right now so be careful not to wake up it." - The comma is not needed, it flows perfectly like this. You could put a comma, but it can go either way.

“Come on; don’t want it waking up with us watching it sleep. That would probably freak it out, not too sure what it might do then.”- the semi-colon should be replaced with a comma. "Come on, don't want it waking up with us watching it sleep; that would probably freak it out, not too sure what it might do then." The semi-colon could either be there or simply replaced with a period.

I better get some sleep; I’ll see you sometime in the afternoon.”- the Semi-colon should be replaced with a comma. "I better get some sleep, I'll see you sometime in the afternoon."- it can either be replaced with a comma or period, but a period will require revision so it makes more sense.

"Tomorrow it was then."- this signifies that tomorrow is past tense, which is fucking impossible. "Tomorrow it is then."- this makes more sense, unless i'm reading it completely wrong.
Anyways, I like what you're doing with the story. Thank fucking Celestia they don't speak the same language. Nice comedy, i'm looking forward to some more of that. I really hate that you made Humans a familiar to Lyra; it just doesn't sound practical, but whatever it's your story. Glad to see you're not putting in the regular bullshit in most HiE fanfics. Nice idea making lyra dislike Twilight and Luna disliking Lyra, good job. Lastly, do you edit/proof/pre-read your own work?:moustache:

1848103

Thank you for pointing those out, corrections have been made. I usually do a proof read of it myself, then I have someone else proof it afterwards. It's usually this guy > ( http://www.fimfiction.net/user/whatmustido ) that checks for anything I might have missed.

As for Lyra being familiar with humans, that's not entirely true. She has dreams of them, but doesn't really know what humans are. Think of it like this. She knows the basics of humans, such as they are bipedal and don't use magic, but not much else. The same goes for some other beings I had made mention of in her dreams.

1849439 forgive my grammar nazi. I only asked if you did your own proofing simply to compliment it. So far I can't really see anything wrong, but then again I just read it as a reader and not a proofer or anything around that. Regarding Lyra, that makes more sense. The only question I have left is that how does she know we're called Humans?:unsuresweetie:

1850510

Easy enough. As she dreams, she gets little tidbits of information each time of whatever she dreams of. I may or may not add in more on this topic in later chapters, so I don't want to give too much away.

1850689 Reasonable, anyways good fic, looking forward to reading more, merry christmas, and have fun with the pony stuff.

Huh. I saw this on the new stories list a week ago, and NOW it gets put into HiE. Well, I guess it's time to read.

LOL! Now I have to follow this for the scene when the Princesses find out face to face there really is an alien!

"Seriously, remember when she tried turning that tree sentient? All it did was yell out “Praise the Sun!” while whacking everypony away and throwing apples!”

Was I the only one that could NOT stop laughing at this? :heart: it!

Alright, I guess this has my attention. Lyra is cute and amusing, so I can overlook the human protagonist that I basically hate.
It looks like it could be an interesting story.

Now, I don't like nit-picking, but I do have to say, this chapter had at least one major problem -

the human was only awake for like, 10 minutes the whole day. And apparently he expects to sleep through the night, too.
Lyra didn't fare much better. She woke up when Bon Bon left for work and went to bed immediately when she got back. It would have still been very sunny outside.

You might want to do something about this overly convenient sleeping. It seems very ... unfortunate, you know?
Anyway, good luck with the story, I guess.

Wait...

So, is he being taught how to speak, or what?

:derpytongue2:

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