Rainbow Dash has asked her close friend for help dressing up! Dash says it's for an event, but she's asking for his help for other reasons...
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Hazardus_Havard
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...cute
>Rainbow Dash needs has asked you for help dressing up!
Might want to fix the description there.
4826612
Thanks for that catch, the description was a last minute thing I should've made sure didn't read like garbage.
more?
it stopped right qt the good bit
Good job on this story
Any plans on a sequel or will this just stay a one shot??
4826696
Technically, it's already a series.
4826710
The more you know I guess
Cute story. You really can't go wrong with some classic Rainbro.
Rainbow Dash always dresses in style!
So when is "Please Notice Me" or "Please Love Me" ?
wow good job. really liked it maybe show the gradual process of how they eventually get together? :D
Not bad, but a couple of the more obvious errors stuck out to me: plenty of comma splices and emotional exposition.
Really cute. Continue! Encore!
(Insert town bicycle joke here)
frankenbike.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Retrospec-Siddhartha-7-speed-Commuter-Bike-567x340.jpg
4828332
I don't get it.
4828404 Everyones already gotten a ride
4828835
Oooooh, well that's, meh.
Look...I really enjoyed reading the story, but it has quite a few problems. While said story was incontestably adorable, I really think it's going to suffer if you keep using this first person narrative that seems like an arbitrary self-insertion of the reader as a mere novelty. The protagonist seems to have been intentionally written to be as bland and utilitarian as possible for the sole sake of allowing the reader to feel more "immersed"...as though we're actually talking to Rainbow ourselves. This isn't a good concept for any story longer than a magazine article, as our willful suspension of disbelief is impeded by the narrative's reliance on an utterly clueless, diaphanously developed baffoon of a protagonist. (Anyone with a minimum of even half the number of a healthy brain's neurons could see Dashie's intentions.)
We can't fully identify with the guy, because we have no control over his actions, words, or personality. If this was one of those "choose your own adventure" stories that one might find in a middle school library, this wouldn't be as much a problem due to the story giving the reader some semblance of "interaction" and/or "control." Most people would have squealed when Dash got all bashful and whatnot. This guy seems dumber than a bag of hammers gift wrapped with locks of Al Gore's hair. Also, the narrator/protagonist is a recurrent, central element in the story. If he were just a quick cameo or side character (not sure as to how one might write that, though), then I could overlook it. But no...this protag keeps reminding us that he still exists. We need a three dimensional, fully developed guy narrating the story to whom we can somewhat relate, whether he be a newly written character or one from the actual show itself.
I only say all this, because I genuinely enjoyed this story. I don't feel it's anywhere near complete enough to just say it's finished, man. It ended on too nebulous a note, and it almost seemed pointless to even write it as it is now. As cute as it was to fawn over Dashie being all shy and whatnot, it almost seemed out of character without any prior context of her typical behavior established in an earlier chapter. I want to find out what happens next. Does Rainbow ever mare-up and tell Blandy Expositionson McEveryman how she feels about his stupid, boring ass? It feels...very incomplete, man. This story has "novel" written all over it. Seriously. You could just take the story's current title and convert it into the name of one of a new, longer story's chapters. I really think this has the potential to be something much greater than what it is right now.
4829783
Sorry, man. That link only explains the story premise's origins. It doesn't justify it's awkward application. And yes, making your protagonist an "anonymous" character with a milquetoast personality and nondescript and/or pedestrian attributes is a generally accepted means of conveying him/her as an empty vessel for the reader to insert him/herself. It's for this very same reason that Bella from the Twilight series is written to be so bland and diaphanous. She was intended to be an empty vessel into which squealing, preteen girls could insert themselves...so it'd be like that sparkly, vampirical twink was telling the readers themselves that he would "fight for her love."
No disrespect intended, brah.
Do I get to choose what she wears? I believe a frilly, bright pink tutu with a top hat, monocle, and a mustache is my fetish.
4828332
Eh. Maybe. Tomboys are usually the biggest dick fiends around, contrary to the site's popular opinion. But she seems rather awkward and unsure of herself in this particular story. Not at all like her usual, cocky self. (No pun intended.) She probably still has her V-Card.
Hooray for cute fluffy fluff.
4830123 Thank god. Looks like I'm not the only one.
4830138 Personally, I've always seen Dash as the super virgin, and it's got nothing to do with being a tomboy. It's the refusal of weakness. Sex is new, and she'd undoubtedly hear about the pain that comes with the first time with Stallions, not to mention not wanting to look dumb (and lame) by not knowing what to do, and not want to. However, being Dash, she wouldn't want to be the "lame virgin", and would then overcompensate.
"Oh yeah, I've had...sex... I've done it all! Every positions! W-With mares AND Stallions!"
4830992
Mah nigga.
I think you could add a few more chapters like this. Or perhaps make a sequel about this. I know there are people here who agree and will back me up in saying this needs a sequel. when is the "I Love You" coming between Rainbow and anon?
Why would you end it right there? We need a sequel...
4832163
Exactly. Let's touch wieners, dudebro.
4832482 ...
WHAT!?
4832483
You wanna' join in, brah? The more the merrier...now let's get that booty clappin'.
4832495
I really have no Idea what you are saying.
4832499
Lemme' see dat booty wurk, booty wurk, booty booty booty wurk,
Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek.
Oh, i love this one!
Aww... so cute.
But once Dash said 'I wish he'd notice me a little more.' I immediately started thinking of 'Senpai, notice me!' jokes.
I wonder who Dash is talking about.
4833843
It's Twilight
No,...No,.. NoNoNo it over and n like some sort of weird cliff hanger. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,........encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQkzN9Fr3-L-h6seg4KGG7Dhq4_j9sngHWHq2FDj7kdClwSDrId
Rage quits,..........DIES
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSomnRP-WhJ66pgZyTxbqrWDFlZhOeawH40lvM25T58kqNRnTL3
Would've been interesting if this was through Rarity's POV... Oh wells
4831188 Well considering none of it was nsfw or sexy in any way I say you are wrong
oh god it's so cute
I guess this is a sort-of sequel to "Please Proof Me"? I hope it is, these two are too adorable!
Downvoted for Mormonism.
Also, x1.fjcdn.com/comments/4943728+_197a429ab57887ca663c8853cd7ffcad.png
4835214 please note I've not read the story yet.
pulse I made that comment while I was both exasted
and half drunk and I don't remember half the comments I wrote at that time. If came off as a hatter I am sorry.
4836663 I don't remember any comment I post even if I am in tip-top shape!
that was super cute, i love it
Dern sure.
I'd honestly rather it be in first or third than in second person. Second person stories always bother me because it's pretty much never what I would do in that situation... after all I don't borrow books, I only buy them. If asked about fashion the first thing I would point out is that she needs a dress that matches her palette, so it should have light colors, and focus on blue, red, or gold. Warm saturated colors. Other than the blue which can do better with less saturation to match her cerulean coat. An outfit that doesn't fit with your personality is always an issue, so she would not do well in a gown, or anything too flowy. She should wear something that is "sporty" short things work well. I would cast her well in a dress that has a shorter skirt in the front than the back by just a bit, has a golden breast, and darker gold or bronze coloring as accents, with red on the coat as well as the skirt, but with silver accents on the red. Red is of course a color proven to make others find you more attractive by subconsciously appealing to the receptors in your eyes that send signals to your brain that increase emotions such as physical attraction.
I may think about things like this from time to time... Twilight's dress is mostly blue and purple with sliver... Fluttershy keeps her palette simple with green being the only fully saturated color... I'll stop now.
I find stories like this a little annoying. The dense moron that can't see that someone is crushing on him. Being a guy that has been in a situation where someone was trying to send signals, I caught on almost immediately, but acted dense because I didn't want a relationship with her (she was nice, but not my type.)
Point I'm trying to get at is that people catch onto stuff a lot more easily then what many think...... at least I hope so!
This was sweet i Iiked it.
Are they gonna-HNNNNNNGG! Motherbucking cliff-HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGG!! *hack* hangers!! You stopped it there?!
Translation: I liked it a lot. There are some cliches that were nice to have but also provided possible weak points, the typical male mentality, friendzoning Dashie to name a couple. As much as this appeals to me, I can't say that this is truly Rainbow Dash. I could say that there has been, probably, some events that caused her to change her outlook on several subjects on herself and her life. Her friendship with the Human OC I would like to believe to be the source of this change. I can play with this in my mind all I want but, at the end of the day this Rainbow Dash you envisioned in your fic is OOC without any premise and therefore not preferable. Despite all that, it was well written and the storytelling was a solid 4 out of 5. Organic dialogue between characters and the reactions are authentic.
Biggest flaw is the male mentality being evident in a land where females are predominant, yet it mirrors Real Life. The predominant male mentality just doesn't work in Equestria. Most likely on a smaller scale such as the workplace or household. Just look at who made MLP, it's a woman instead of a man and the art style is heavily reflected by the feminine mentality. Dashie, being our beloved tomcolt, would have hesitated much more for much longer before taking the first step. If you had shown that then I would probably sqeee while bouncing in my chair (which is quite a feat). I have to dock points for this but, you've done well in all other areas so it won't be a bad score.
Greatest strength is your storytelling. Following is your Human OC for having the most believable reactions, then organic dialogue and your good authorship.
Sometimes having the POV of a Human OC isn't always the best option and maybe there isn't a "best" option. I would like to believe that if there is no "best" option then it's likely because of how you have written the story thus far instead of going for the go-to "the author is simply not up to snuff" reason a lot of us use in the first place.
A special note, something I believe is worth noting, is that your fic isn't complex; it has depth. I've read a lot of stories that rely on complexity for the meat but, yours has more depth. It's like asking me if I want chicken strips or steak (I know not a lot will get it, it has meaning to me, you don't need to understand that analogy). Another note is that you stopped short which is very interesting. Leaving me wondering how this Rainbow Dash would behave later on. I never liked cliffhangers because they deny me closure and at the same time I love those which are expertly executed. Your ending was executed well enough, points for that.
I give you an 7.5 out of 10. A somewhat OOC Rainbow Dash with the hots for Human OC trying to use him to find out what he believes is beautiful in his eye concerning herself. Mismatched author mentality to the world with solid storytelling and very good authorship. Well deserving of all the likes. Good job!