Maonyman
Joined 17th Jul, 2023 ·
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A mighty fine first chapter.
Gonna be looking forward to this one.
I'm very open to criticism so if any of you dislike something please feel free to tell me.
Followed 👍
grown should be groan
Pretty strong opening. Hope this doesn't dissolve into sex too fast.
Link broken
https://i.imgur.com/UST9oNK.png
Can't acces it
>still not Horsepitality
REEEEEE
So thanks for that.
You got me hooked.
That's gonna a very long & awkward presentation.
Hope he doesn't fall asleep halfway through.
11840820
Don't worry, I take my time with it.
11840851
Fixed. It's just the cover image anyway.
pre-read impression: good cover art and interesting description. will post a post-binge impression after i binge the two chapters out so far
11841199
post-binge impression: confuzed a little at the beginning as i feel there is other stories that take place before this one, but otherwise i quite enjoyed this fiction and it will be added to my follow list :D
Not sure I will read that, but still. Have an upvote for that amazing cover.
What is greentext?
11841583
Greentext is stories written on 4chan with the > arrow before each line, which turns the text green. This story was originally from a recurring thread on the 4chan board /mlp/ about Anon in Equestria called /AiE/.
Yay! Another HiE story. Love 'em.
11840589
I've read the first two chapters and since you asked, here's my critique.
Anon's interactions with the Crusaders is adorable as hell. Love it.
The "togetherness" that the Apple family shows is on point.
Anon is using his hands in the best way possible on the farm. Is it cliché? Yes. Does it bother anyone? No.
What did bother me is...
In the first chapter, Anon is thinking to himself and is already using "anypony" instead of "anyone." And I found that to be weird.
At first, I thought Anon was an HiE with foreknowledge of Equestria. Why else would he think in that manner?
But he doesn't have foreknowledge... And I'm also confused at how easily he's ok with everything. I mean, colorful ponies, talking ponies, magic ponies, being ripped from your home, your reality. Never seeing a human again?
I understand that this is a HiE, so we skipped the "adjustment period." But without that being specifically stated in the story, I'm projecting my own head canon onto your story.
But that's about it.
Everything else is great. Big Mac is totally in character and bring portrayed perfectly. Applebloom, and Granny too.
I'm still enjoying the story.
Applebloom and Anon getting closer like brother and little sister. So very cute.
She wanted something alright.
11842586
Thanks for the reply! You'll see why he's so "okay" with everything soon enough. As for the foreknowledge, I was trying to portray a sense that he's been in Ponyville for a while already (a few weeks maybe?) but just hasn't had the chance to do very much yet. So he's a bit of a mix of "used to stuff" and also "ignorant about stuff"
This would be 'weight', not wait. Easy way to remember is 'wait' is short, like hope yours will be, and 'wieght' is two letters heavier.
Oh no! He briefly turned into Shakespeare.
Coming up next: he's not recovering and they realize he needs protein, STAT...
11842975
Eggs technically aren’t meat since it’s not made of cells but just proteins and nutrients for the baby chicken to absorb.
methinks aj has a predator/prey fetish
11843055
It's actually a single cell, specifically an egg cell (ovum generally unfertilized).
But eggs are NOT considered meat by the FDA and all other sources. Although, from a completely technical sense it is a chicken cell.
c.tenor.com/PwxOHVMRbhIAAAAC/tenor.gif
11843314
Not positive, but I think eggs are considered dairy by the USDA, grouped together with milk as edible animal products.
I find it hilarious that the human got a massage from a pony as one of the cliché things in HiE is for the human to get a job at the spa and massage ponies.
11842879 It would be interesting for them to go fishing. First time AJ could try meat in a sense.
This story is adorable!!
Great chapter.
11843969
Indeed, jolly good show.
Hello.
Loving the story so far. I always appreciate a good romance, and this is one I'll be looking forward for updates.
The couple is adorable and it's building up greatly. You write the little moments and interactions really well, so it doesn't feel like the relationship is being forced and/or rushed just for the sake of the plot. It all feels natural.
Putting the couple aside, not a moment of the story is boring. All interactions with other characters help to get immersed even more, be them sad, funny or just casual. (If Apple Bloom calls him dad, I'm gonna squeal).
Really glad that they are going to the town, I feel that the story has been centered to much around the farm and the Apples. I know it's just seven chapters long at the moment, but the appearance of Twilight and Rarity kinda shone because they helped to develop even more interactions between the couple, so more characters would be welcome. Maybe some POV changes if you feel like it, you're doing a great job, so you can just ignore this.
Thanks for not jumping straight to the clop (if there is going to be any), that ruins a lot of stories. The pace of the plot in that aspect is okay.
Haven't really read your other stories, but I'm gonna give them a try. Hope to read you soon.
Best wishes!
:D
11844047
Thanks for the longer review, and I'm really glad you're liking it! I'm especially happy to hear you're liking the "little moments" so much.
There won't be any POV changes in this story, it's all centered around Anon, but there are definitely more characters coming later.
> Thanks for not jumping straight to the clop
Some would say I waited too long to get to the clop lmao. We'll see what y'all think when we finally get there. But there definitely is some--that's why the tag is there. Figured I'd set expectations early instead of changing the tags once we finally got there.
As for my other stories, I'm really happy with Supper with the Sun, even if it is short. If you get around to reading A Dubious Welcome, do let me know what you think of it as you go along, I love hearing people's thoughts and reactions on my stories. Equestrian Railroad is on hiatus until I finish this story.
11842586
Gotta agree a lot with you.
About the adjustment period, I have to say that a lot of stories begin with that (not all equal, but pretty similar), making reading those introductions feel like a chore, since not everyone can make it work well (even in good stories, I have had to force me to read them).
I repeat: 'Just introductions'. The adjustment is really important in HiE stories. There are great ways to play with it, be it flashbacks, little mentions or full conversations.
I feel that in this story, a full conversation would play really well. The autor seems to know how to hook readers with 'go with the moment' interactions.
Fucking, THANK YOU!! Good lord I hate how the vast majority of stories use heat as an excuse to make mares lust drunk and rapey.
Methinks AJ has a bit of a thing for predator/prey stuff..... please, continue.
11844207
LMAO i said almost the exact same thing a few comments down
Poor Anon….
Why does this feel like some self insert? The whole family thing just feels a little cliché.
Granny Smith knows what's going on. Granny Smith likes what's going on. And Granny Smith knows not to get too involved.
Respect.
Lying right in the face of the Element o' Honesty... Pony sin committed.
11844672
That's because it is.
The "abused Anon" has appeared in a number of stories.
Does that stop me from reading them? Nope.
Pony racism. ✔
I hope the racists ponies have their come-uppance.
Also, Petal Bow is a hero.
And damn. AJ has all sorts of emotions going on, and her cycle is probably making everything way more intense.
I'm surprised a slap to the face is all she's done.
I think the pony racism thing works well in the first or second season, but personally falls flat when Twilight is the full on Princess of Friendship. Feels like the town of ponyville would be more accepting of other races by this point, but hey, it's your story.
Other than that it's written well. Thanks for the update.