With rumors rising of multiple break outs in the royal castle's dungeon, Clover takes it on herself to investigate. But she becomes more curious when she realizes the Council of High Mages are keeping something dangerous in the dungeon.
Special thanks to:
The great ZettaiDullahan for the amazing cover he provided for this piece for free.
The pre-readers Greatazuredragon, The sleepless beholder, Stinium Ruide, Draconequues and Nate
And the editors that helped with this piece: Helping Hoof, The red Parade, Drowsy, The one strange fellow and Scotishbro
Chapters (4)
This seems interesting! Will try to read soon
A wild comment appeared!
👀
11323277
media.discordapp.net/attachments/772687851820548097/906241198463791104/PS-ZO9sD.png
Awesome seeing the finished product, great work!
I will admit this story is a lot better than some of your older works, but you still need to work on emotions of your characters, and not being so purely mechanical in your writing. Looking forward to reading the rest!
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Glad to hear you think this is quite the improvement.
11323277 I have this theory that TV Tropes is actually toxic for media literacy. The site itself isn’t inherently bad, but before anything else, it’s meant to be a resource to help people understand storytelling conventions. After all, tropes are a means to an end.
Unfortunately, it’s led a lot of people to think of tropes as an end unto themselves, that storytelling is just arranging these rigidly defined blocks into a Lego tower, and that anything using an identifiable trope is “generic.” Or “predictable.” Or that being able to spot a familiar, time-worn trope makes them some sort of eagle-eyed critic. They obsess over the trees, and miss the forest as a whole.
And they forget something that anybody who uses TV Tropes often enough to hyperlink random pages at will ought to remember: That tropes are not bad.
You can put your dick away now. Nobody’s impressed.
11323277
You say that, and yet, your own story is ass.
11323411
cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/2363893/85460556.png Back at ya.
11323700
Did i say they were?
11323819
My story is one big fat joke about the genre, and i have even wrote that in plain text in the description. Apparently, you can't read.
Also, obligatory you-have-no-stories-you-can't-judge-me argument.
You bunch of babies are all successfully got trolled and just trying to hide that you got rickrolled.
I never said the story was bad. You just assumed, like a bull, you saw red, and jumped into hate without thinking.
This is the least secure prison ever. Wonder what could possibly need to be tamed but also kept close to all these prisoners that know about it and could cause problems?
Nice work on the chapter! Itching to see what the big mystery is.
11324285 cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/852636243023364116/1005954244454658098/unknown.png
11324285
Didn't know copium looked this cringe, yet here you are.
media.discordapp.net/attachments/772687851820548097/844991816462106704/E12H1QNVUAI9l8u.png?width=506&height=538
EDIT: Bro, just looked at your fic, you write like a bonehead.
You have no room to talk.
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Came, spit a bunch of nonsense, run away gleefully squealing.
That's you.
You don't make a lick of sense.
You try to be smart ass, but you can't even make a grammatically correct sentence. Maybe you should stop doing drugs.
At least I don't write about porn, drugs and idiots. Like you. What a cringe.
Now, get the buck out out of comments with personal attacks, or I'll have you reported. This place is for story related things only, not for you to stroke your short floppy horn.
11324941
LMAO, okay man. Now you're really coping. You're the one that came in and attacked this story, and you're the one that decided to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. If anyone wanted you to do so, they would've asked you to show you have no talent. Instead, you showed us all that you have no talent. So thanks, for that, I guess.
Now can you go be an incel elsewhere?
Im gonna guess alicorn
11325338
I will neither confirm or deny anything....
11324941
It's generally a bad idea to report someone whose behavior is actually milder than yours.
However, you are correct in saying a story's comments should be reserved for talking about the story, not personal attacks. Even though that assertion is in the same message where you fling a bunch of your own personal attacks around, that statement is still true.
If you must continue, please take it to PMs.
Tirek?
Tirrreeeeeeeek
Instead of Tatarus, he was put inside the heavily guarded castle? A theory of mine but it would be cool for a story to focus on him. Regardless, I haven't read the other chapters but I'm going to! I know there's that disfigured creature abomination but I just wanted an excuse to mention one of my favourite mlp villains
Wow. What an arrogant douchebag. I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant to deal with than him. I'm kinda hoping he suffers some form of humiliating defeat. A good ass kicking might help dislodge his head since it seems to be currently stuck there.
The Unicorn Council are also VERY cringe-worthy. They are so cliche it's off-putting.
The concept of this unknown creature in the dungeon is interesting, but it's hard to keep reading with such cringe-inducing antagonists.
I think Windigo would be the most obvious guess.
Though a human would also be somewhat likely as that seems to happen a lot.
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The pre-readers had that guess too.
Really strong start to the story. You write really well, and your prose is fantastic.
I’m excited to see where you go with this.
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Thanks.
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Based.
Also hope you're doing well, Eldorado! Long time no see!
EDIT: Don't worry about him, I blocked him after sending my final reply. Didn't want to speak to someone who had the gall to be that rude.
Welp, at least the douchebag counselors got what they deserved, or at least some of them did. Now, can Starswirl get his head out of his own ass? That remains to be seen.
Ah so the real monster was inside us all along.
Great work.
So, the creature seems to be like a werewolf or he got this way through experiments.
Is this a character or creature we know from the show? Or is it gonna come back up in sequels?
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He'll come back. We hadnt seen him in the show.
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🤣
I'm going to guess Discord, will see if I am correct once I get to the next chapter. :P
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Also another guess the pre-readers had.
Your story piqued my interest some weeks ago, so I added it to my RIL. Now I finally came around, and finished it.
I'll try to make this into a review of sorts, but bear with me if it turns out a jumbled mess.
Let me start with that I really liked the story's setting. I always loved the early-season lore of the show, and the events around HWE are a soft spot. And I liked that you actually placed this story before those events, and dared to make up your own setting, with pre-unification unicorns.
The story's premise was pretty good, you actually could create some mystery as just what could be in the dreaded cell of the dungeon, although I admit, the revelation was a bit underwhelming (I bet many readers, not just me, either expected Discord, Sombra, or maybe one of the Sisters to be inside). But I still appreciate you pulled a brave one with this, and it turned out to be someone original. Discord, for example, would have been too obvious. Although some more explanation would have been good at the end who this fellow was, but I'm also aware "the Beast" and its identity wasn't the main conflict here.
Your Clover (I'm saying it like that, because as many writers, there are just as many takes on this character) worked fine as a protagonist, she wasn't overpowered, but was smart enough that the story could flow.
I also liked Thunder Feathers, her convos with Clover were the best written, and I rooted for her once she turned out to be a good gal. Too bad she died in the end, but I appreciate you dared to kill her off, I honestly expected a "happily ever after" ending for her. It was a grim, but from a narrative standpoint, a good surprise.
As for the main villain, Crimson Light, I can't say too much good, he felt too much like a typical, mustache-twirling bad guy, but I guess he served the purposes of the story well.
And as we get to the criticism, let me say that I'm aware English isn't your first language, but it shows you tried your best. As Nailah pointed out, your writing is pretty mechanical, or I should say, your prose is far too simple. It works, mind you, but all it really does is telling us what happened in the purest form possible. What salvages the story despite that, is the (pretty fast) pacing, so one doesn't really have the chance to go "Wow, this prose is far too dry." Mind you, I don't want to dissuade you, but this prose would turn away more readers in a slower paced, longer story.
Also, the dialogue felt stilted and sort of "wooden" in many places. This was especially true for the back-and-forth between Clover and Platinum, for some reason. They communicate in short, very to-the-point sentences, and their conversations end very quickly. I'd expect some more flair, and eloquence from a princess, or if you wrote her like that on purpose, you could have indicated the reasons for her brevity.
But to also give praise here, Clover's and Thunder's dialogue felt much more vivid, and had much better flow, it felt more natural, and as a result, more believable as well.
There were also many typos, and strange word usages in the story, an extra round of proofreading, or two would have done it some good, but it wasn't so bad to make me drop it.
To end my rant, let me just say that conceptually, this story was fine, and you whipped up a quite engaging tale. Narratively speaking, there aren't too many mistakes here, the story bleeds on the technical side, but there's nothing more practice can't solve.
I also suggest you to read a lot, as that can give you a better feel for well-written prose. I know you're ESL (me too), and it can be hard, but please let my review be that makes you press on, and not something that makes you stop.
P.S.: It baffles me though if you can create something like this, why do you dabble in EqG fics. That's about the most uncreative setting for a "pony" story possible. I think the upvote count here shows that well. Write more stuff like this, me says.
P.P.S.: But ultimately, write what you WANT to write, and ENJOY to write.
11349444
First off, I'm glad you liked the story so much and thanks for the feedback.
I would say that yes, my prose need quite the work in various terms specially vocabulary. But I guess I can sharpen that one over time.
I would like to note that basically each chapter was edited by one person for the most part and even though there were some overlap, it was hard to learn and get used to them all. (Wouldnt you know, its hard to keep an editor.)
Now, this story, has kick started a different series. "Untold History of Equestria". So if you want more in the similiare setting, stay tuned.
As for EqG, I think its best to note that if it wasnt becuase of it, I wouldnt be here, nor have written this. It holds a special place to my heart, and its a project I want to pull off properly. As I said, its more of a deed I have with myself now.
Thanks again for taking your time and giving this through opinion. I REALLY appreciate it.
11349708
Sure, no problem, I'm glad to give feedback where it shows the author tried. Especially if the end result turned out decent despite all its flaws.
Yeah, it's tough stuff with editors, I'm self-editing most of the time, you just can't help it. They won't flock to you if you're a random no-name, especially if you wanted them to edit a fic longer than 10k.
>Untold History of Equestria
Then I guess I'll tune back in when that happens.
Again, thanks for writing this, and I'm looking forward to your next (pony) fic.
Greetings!
Have a review!