• Member Since 5th Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Boltstrike58


Just a guy who found out that a show about talking ponies is a lot better than I expected.

E
Source

Starlight Glimmer is what you might call a problem teenager, and her peer mentor, Sunset Shimmer, doesn't know what to do with her. Until she comes up with the one person who might be able to understand Starlight: herself.


My entry in FanOfMostEverything's A Most Delightful Ponidox contest.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 38 )

Simple, but very effective. It could've stood a bit more fleshing out here and there, but you mapped Starlight to a teenage human version very well, to say nothing of the talk between the two. Even Glimmer-grade arbitrary skepticism doesn't up well to a doppelganger created with an hour of prep time. Fine work indeed. Best of luck in the judging.

:fluttercry:

This was good drama! Yay how her and Firelight made up at the end!

----

Hollow Shades High

Well... Given FOME's Hollow Shades, makes things a bit ominous, but here, it could just be a distant highschool. Which fits.

----

"Are you finished?" she finally asked, breaking the silence.

:rainbowdetermined2:

----

Oh! Sunburst moving to Crystal Prep like how he's in the Crystal Empire! :facehoof: ... Took me writing this comment to get that!

Very good story. :twilightsmile:

Good work on this.

very well done! Did she manage to reconnect with Sunburst?

This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them 😜

Naw seriously. As someone who worked with at-risk youth kids in the past, I found human Starlight's reactions to be pretty realistic. Nicely done.

10454461
well howsabout a sequel detailing such, eh?

Actually, it was established that Sunburst didn't read or respond to any mail from his hometown, so trying to keep in touch was useless.

I imagine this would be the response to her lack of a respond letter from Sunburst.


derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/2/18/1659408.png

I kind of laugh at people who keep saying, ' Well, why didn't she just keep in touch'. Because that's kind of a two way street. She can send all the letters she wants. If hes not going to bother reading them and writing back, it kind of ends up pointless. Who can blame her for thinking Sunburst abandoned her. Thinking Sunburst didn't think she was worth keeping in touch with.

And by the time sho would have been old enough to go to Canterlot on her own, he would have been long gone after failing. And schools don't tend to keep track of where there failed students end up.

This is kind of why I see Starlight as still a teen, around 18 or 19, or fresh out of her teens when she meets the Mane 6. Because I believe Sunburst moved to the Crystal Empire right after failing Wizard school in order to avoid the disgrace of going back home a failure. An Empire which would have only been back for a year or two.

I see Starlight reaching 18 around the start of season 4 and going on to start building her village around the middle of the season. This fits with Mauds flashback, where we see Our Town in the middle of construction, which could only happen near the end of season 4, since Maud only just started her rock Studies at the beginning of season 4 and she was doing her rock dissertation for her studies when she met Starlight..

Not to mention it explains Starlights impulsiveness because she is still an impulsive teen, around 19, when she becomes Twilight's student.

I admitted to Sunset that she'd impressed me, finding the one person in the world who I'd listen to.

Well technically Sunny cheated by using another world. :rainbowlaugh:

But that was great! Hopefully this means Human Starlight will stay in contact with Sunset.

This actually helps human Sunburst too, as pony Sunburst felt really inferior in the Gifted School as he had knowledge but lacked the power to show it off Human Sunburst in a setting like Crystal prep is going to be really smart but lack the social skills and courage to stand out with out someone like Starlight there to back him up.

This is decent. Good work! :twilightsmile:

"Don't make the same mistakes I did", eh?
...I didn't realise humans had cutie marks to steal, or time travel spells to abuse. Or hypnosis spells, for that matter.

After all, she seemed like the same kind of whiny, self-righteous, naive idiot.

She was, once - then a group of six girls used extradimensional magic to shoot a rainbow at her, obliterating her personal demon.
...What? You didn't see that? Or the giant glowing sirens or alicorn not too long after? Huh. Humans really are blind and oblivious.

"Not only are you my doppelganger from an alternate universe, but in that universe, you're a unicorn? And Shimmer's from there as well?"

So is the Twilight Sparkle that won the Fall Formal - I don't know how Canterlot High can get away with photos or records of that event, honestly, when there's certifiable evidence "Twilight Sparkle" was being miserable at Crystal Prep at the time. Massive contradiction, there, when you don't know about magic and a portal to a land of sapient equines.

not half bad

"I let out another moan when I saw who it was calling me: my peer mentor. Due to multiple instances of me fighting with other students, the school administration had come close to sending me to juvie, but had instead opted to assign me a volunteer mentor from another school until my behavior 'improved.' I hated it, of course. She was my age, she had no right to tell me what to do. Nonetheless, I answered the phone, if only because she'd keep calling until I did."

That's where you're wrong Starlight. It's not simply about age, it's about actuality being an adult. There are 14-year-old women and 40-year-old girls (along with 14-year-old men and 40-year-old boys). A 14-year-old woman outranks a 40-year-old girl, in my book. If you are an overgrown child, and your mentor is a young woman: She kind of does get to tell you want to do.

10455934
Not to mention, unknown to her, Sunset would be about 30 in Pony years. If not older. She would have to be at least 10 years older then Twilight and the pony crew.

10456034
What makes you say that?

10456055
She was an adult when she went through the mirror and was Celestia's personal protege before Twilight, who became Celestia's personal protege as a little child.

Not to mention Twilight would have had to become her student quite a while after Sunsets disappearance to explain why she would not have heard about Sunset from anypony or have any indication there was someone before her.

10456159
I think Sunset could well have been a teenager, when she went through the mirror. For that matter: Twilight herself could well have been a teenager, when she moved to Ponyville.

Plus time might not flow at the same speed on the two sides of the mirror. It seems unlikely that Sunset spent ten years in high school.

Wonderful story, with the human Starlight and her dad fleshed out.

In my opinion Starlight doesn't get enough love. YMMV.

Ooh, a story about Starlight—

So who was I to--

Oh. It's not a big deal, but I get a ping of sadness every time I see hyphens used like this in a published work.


It's a solid idea, to wield a wiser Starlight against a younger one. This is also the pony who got Twilight to give up on the idea of doing things 'by the book'.

I think there are some missed opportunities in here to strengthen the plot and/or world. For one, Pony Starlight has to assume everything despite being friends with Human Starlight's peer mentor, and otherwise a group of friends (especially Twilight) that could probably figure out if Sunburst had indeed managed to analogously hurt Starlight's feelings.

And given how Human Starlight's narration lets us know exactly what she thinks of everyone, "P-Starlight" also seems like a missed opportunity for referring to her doppelganger.

Overall, the Sunset vs. Human Starlight and Human vs. Pony Starlight moments were an enjoyable read.

10456325
Thanks for the feedback. Though I have a couple of questions.
1.

Oh. It's not a big deal, but I get a ping of sadness every time I see hyphens used like this in a published work.

Did I use it incorrectly? One of my old editors told me that was the correct way to write cut-off sentences like that.
2.

And given how Human Starlight's narration lets us know exactly what she thinks of everyone, "P-Starlight" also seems like a missed opportunity for referring to her doppelganger.

...Is that a urine joke?

10456521

And given how Human Starlight's narration lets us know exactly what she thinks of everyone, "P-Starlight" also seems like a missed opportunity for referring to her doppelganger.

...Is that a urine joke?

Pony-Starlight.

10456521
It's probably not the usage, but the execution. Alt+0151 creates what you're looking for, without it looking jank since it's an actual em dash instead of two conjoined hyphens.

10456521
1. Double-hyphens aren't wrong, exactly, but em dashes are likely better used for anything that you'll present to a reader. When I double-checked this, I did see a suggestion for double-hyphens in screenwriting, but that was it. I don't know how that conversation with your old editor went, but if anyone claims that something is the One True Way (for everything), take it with a grain of salt.

2. I just copied the term from your story. I presume it means "Pony Starlight", just abbreviated. My point was simply that you could have had Human Starlight append something that reflects her perspective to Pony Starlight's name instead of just an abbreviated generic term just so the readers can tell them apart. Heck, you even pretty much did this, though only one time:

"Pretty much, yeah," said other Starlight, "When you get down to it, it's really not that complicated."

(Then we go to "P-Starlight" with no explanation.)

10457579
Oh, I thought you were talking about how human Starlight insults everyone in her head, and were saying that "P-Starlight" was a missed opportunity for her to think of it like "Pee-Starlight" or something like that. My bad.

10456521
10456716
10456785
10457579
10457722
I mean, for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure that a piss joke could be really funny, and somehow made to work in-character with her.

10455771
That was my first thought, too: there's a whole class of mistakes that human Starlight is inherently incapable of ever making, and pony Starlight has made a lot of them.

You did a great job. I loved this and I really do hope you make more stories like this because it was pretty good and I really liked Human Starlights character dev.

Comment posted by Shane Fire deleted November 19th
Comment posted by Shane Fire deleted November 19th
Comment posted by Shane Fire deleted November 19th

Wow deleting comments that you can't handle. All because you lost a dumb contest...:applejackunsure:Too bad the author don't believe in their own advice they write:rainbowlaugh:

After reading your post, I decided to read the story to see why you thought it deserve a win...For me, it was an okay story. Nothing special but ok.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!