The Age of Extremely Overpriced Sanitizer
It was with some reluctance and a bit of trepidation that Corona Sheen rose from her bed on Monday morning. The light of the sun filtering into her apartment somehow carried a note of foreboding despite it being the same clear weather as yesterday outside. The foreboding, then, was probably in her head. And probably a result of recent news throwing the world's largest monkey wrench into her continued existence.
With a half-yawn, half-sigh, Corona trudged over to the bathroom to set about performing her typical hygiene ritual. She did her business, showered, brushed her teeth, and quickly ran a brush through her grey mane and azure coat until both were presentable. Though she shuddered at the prospect of discovering what state Canterlot was in at this point, she nevertheless grabbed her stuff and ventured outside. The School for Gifted Unicorns waited for no mare, virus or no virus, and if she wanted to be like the princess someday, she had to keep doing her best to learn.
The shining stone streets of the city, she found, were even quieter now than they'd been over the past few weeks. What few ponies were on the move did so with urgency in their steps, avoiding eye contact and keeping their distance from one another. A lack of any slow-moving groups of obnoxious, fraternizing nobles to cause traffic stalls on the narrower thoroughfares was the sole perk in all of this nonsense.
Still, she couldn't avoid the necessities, and did still need to eat, so Corona stopped at her favorite bakery for breakfast, intending to pick up a freshly made, whole grain roll. The bell on the door dinged softly as she pushed it open with her magic. Warm, enticing scents reached her nose, alongside the sight of one of the other regulars. The proprietor, a pegasus with a talent for moisture and temperature regulation named Dew Point, had her back turned as she adjusted the dials on one of her multiple ovens.
Glancing back over her shoulder at Corona, the regular tensed up in recognition. "O-Oh, Ms. Sheen," she noted, already beginning to shuffle anxiously in the direction of the entrance. "You know what, I'm suddenly not hungry anymore. I'm just gonna flee now, if that's alright."
Without waiting for her to respond, the mare booked it out of there, nearly tripping over her own hooves as she made her escape. Corona, for her part, bit back a snide remark, settling into a small frown. Patience, girl, patience. This would all blow over eventually.
When Dew Point finished what she was doing and turned to face Corona, she waved hello. "Morning, Dew," she said, giggling at her own wordplay. "I'll take my us—"
"GET OUT!" Dew Point screamed, chucking a whisk at Corona's head which she barely managed to duck in time, gasping. It probably wouldn't have done more than bruise, but still, sweet Celestia! "I'm not letting you cost me any more business," she declared. "I don't care if you're here to buy anymore, I can't have Patient Zero keep showing up in my bakery in broad daylight!"
Great annoyance burned behind her horn as Corona verbally defended herself. Though she was tempted to fire off a stink bomb spell out of spite. "Can I honestly not just get a roll? I'm Corona Sheen, not Coronavirus, and I'm obviously not sick either."
"OUT!" she shouted again, this time hurling a storm of empty egg cartons. Rolling her eyes as she allowed the paperboard to bounce off her body, Corona turned to leave, flicking her tail in agitation. Guess she was getting breakfast at the Jenny's; that diner chain couldn't care less about sanitation.
After her greasy meal, which was probably more of a danger to her long-term health than this stupid virus was, Corona resumed her commute to CSGU. As she trotted towards campus along her usual route, she passed another commotion inside one of the longstanding local shops in her neighborhood: Masonry, Toilet Paper, & Shears. Through the windows, a desperate looking lady in a dress was trying to tug the last set of white rolls from the grip of an irate earth stallion with her aura, the pair straining against eachother as they shouted. The shopkeeper was trying to break them up, to no avail.
"I've got seventeen kids at home, we need this more than you do!" the stallion exclaimed.
"Lies! Nopony has that many children!" the mare fired back. "I only have a two month supply of tissue in reserve, I need more!"
"Cut the horseapples," he gasped, clutching onto the package for dear life, "How is that much not enough! And I was here first!"
"Peasants always come second! Just put your foals in diapers, or whatnot!"
Corona tsked at the maddened display, shaking her head as she continued past. What was the point in even fighting over toilet paper? It's not like the city was going to run out; the virus didn't even cause diarrhea! Plus, wet wipes were so much better anyway.
When Corona Sheen finally arrived at the lecture hall where her class on Applied Arcanodynamics was held, the sight before her was a familiar one. Well, at first. Her fellow college students were chatting amongst themselves as they waited for the professor to arrive, spaced evenly around the curving rows of wooden seats. But then, the first of them noticed her enter, and cried out in alarm.
It took only seconds for a wave of silence to fall upon her peers, the unicorns rapidly and without exception scooting towards the side walls as far as they could, bunched together. With a theatrical sigh, Corona plopped down into her usual seat near the middle of the hall, which was now surrounded on all sides by a giant, empty space. She shot looks of disapproval around the room; even her friends had fled. "Really, guys?"
"Sorry, it's nothing personal," replied her pal Glittershock, who may not remain such for much longer. She leveled a fearful look at Corona, her yellow mane even more frayed than usual. "We just don't want to die, is all!"
Corona slammed her saddlebags on the floor with perhaps more force than was necessary, shooting a glare in return. "Just because I happen to share the same name as the virus doesn't mean I have it! The definitions being used for the word aren't even the same! We're all well-educated, here; you should know better. My name is referencing moonlight, and the virus is called that because it's covered in crown-shaped spikes. Completely separate!"
It was like they hadn't even heard her. "P-Please don't come near us!" insisted a shivering colt Corona didn't know. "I have so much to live for!"
Others nodded in agreement, conveying similar sentiments and begging to retain their health. If these ponies were so afraid of getting sick, Corona reasoned, why did they even bother coming to class? Wait, never mind, she knew why: grades.
Still, she shouldn't have to put up with this. All she needed to do was made them see reason, and how hard could that be? "Now you all listen here! For one thing, the coronavirus hasn't even gotten to Canterlot yet. The closest confirmed case is that Apple Family mare in Ponyville! And even then, less than five percent of those infected even die from it."
"But it could get here any second!" wailed somepony behind her.
"It's ten times worse than the flu, and my friend's uncle died from the flu!" exclaimed another.
"They're calling it a pandemic now and everything!" went a third.
Corona slapped a hoof to her forehead. "You're overreacting! Come on, look at the numbers! Even in the Kirin Lands, where this all started, only a tiny fraction of the population got sick. More ponies get devoured by monsters every week than have been killed by this virus in three months. And even then it's mainly the elderly who are at risk."
"That's exactly what somepony with the virus would say to maintain their relationships in the face of isolation! Well, we're not buying it! Go crawl back into your muck-hole, contaminated filth!" The angry stallion who insulted her then pointed forcefully at the exit.
Okay, seriously? Corona Sheen was beginning to get quite exasperated now, practically snorting in anger. "Why are you all going into total panic mode over THIS? A trio of literal demons rampaged through the city and blew up half the castle just last year, but now is when everypony goes crazy?"
"Well, yeah, but Princess Twilight beat them all before, so we knew it wasn't the end of the world. This is a brand new danger, one we don't know can be contained. I'm not taking any chances!" Glittershock explained, thus demoting herself to passing acquaintance.
Corona tilted her head back and groaned, realizing this was clearly a lost cause. She would definitely go give that one prince a piece of her mind once this whole thing blew over. However, before she could break into a rant about how paranoid and stupid her classmates were all being, a new, firm voice cut through the air. "Settle down, now."
It was Professor Flame Crest, his ever-stoic face and distinctive green mane a welcome sight in her darkest hour. As the others quieted down, he walked up to the chalkboard, glancing around and taking a deep breath before addressing the assembled students. "Due to the current health crisis, all classes at CSGU will be suspended starting—"
"—tomorrow," he finished, now only addressing Corona Sheen and two large clouds of dust that slowly settled to either side of her, the sound of galloping hooves fading into the distance. "Hmm," he uttered.
She surveyed the mostly abandoned hall for a moment, stunned by the uncanny speed the rest of the unicorns had been hiding, before facing the professor again, unsure what to say. Should she make some pithy statement about listening to other ponies? Shout obscenities at their backs? Pretend this whole day never happened, let the events fade into the back of her mind?
Flame Crest blinked up at her, mulling over his own words. "Sorry about them. Do you want some one-on-one instruction, Corona?" he eventually asked. "I should have enough time to walk you through four, maybe five exercises."
Huh. Maybe this whole debacle wasn't so bad after all, if she had the full attention of the most handsome academic on staff for an entire hour. Corona shrugged, wearing a small smile. "Sure."
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Heh nice you mad lad you
Honestly, I think you’ve done the current situation justice. If it wasn’t for the handsome academic remark at the end, I’d argue that there is almost no reason for this story to be marked as comedy. Sadly it feels like a very real slice of life.
Well, as someone who has studied statistics, I can tell you this: There are three type of lies: ordinary lies, dirty lies, and statistics.
You know what they say: The Royal House of Pancakes is where a foal might have a birthday. Jenny's is where you hire a hitpony.
This shouldn't be nearly as funny as it is.
Poor Corona. Maybe the princess can lend a sympathetic ear... assuming Applejack isn't talking off both out of worry about Granny Smith.
Stay safe out there, Thought. But thanks for the wonderful bit of levity.
Looooooool.
Seriously though, yeah, it's been sounding pretty bad, so stay safe out there, everyone.
Not. Funny. -_-
Being an immuno-compromised person myself (the ones most likely to catch it on top of older folks), I think I'm allowed to laugh at this without feeling any shame. I've self-quarantined, so having stuff to read here is nice. Thanks for bringing a little humor to this whole situation.
Stay safe, y'all!
10131809
You must be fun at parties
10131837
Still not funny regardless. :/
I don't read yet but
https://m..
I needed this today. Nice to see a little humor surrounding a dark situation.
10131848
Survey says:
You wrong
First of all:
Who? Blueblood?
Second of all, I feel bad for her.
10131903
It's a reference to one of the fics in my backlog.
I don’t have the corona virus and I hope that I don’t get it. I’m anxious for the time off of school though
Statistics totally lie.
But on a positive note, good job. This coronavirus panic is out of control. I'm glad some people can laugh about it.
Okay, yeah, I was laughing. Best way to make light of troublesome times.
The Coronachan is a conspiracy by the toilet paper industry to crash stocks, then when people buy all their toilet paper, THEY'LL have all the money and can buy EVERYTHING!
Palpatine, sitting on his giant toilet, "Once more, the Scotts will rule the galaxy!"
....
You know, because Scott is s toilet paper brand, which was obviously made by the Scotts, who are in league with the Illuminati and the Templars... so the Grail and the Ark of the Covenant are wrapped up in this too somehow! Wrapped up... in TOILET PAPER!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!
Everyone who dislikes this are the one's hoarding toilet paper.
10132179
And/or Purell
10132192
And are buying formula when they don't have babies that need it. Leaving none for children so they're going hungry.
What does toilet paper have to do with the coronavirus?
#Toosoonman.
Admittedly I'm beginning to hope that everyone else ends up getting themselves killed due to an invasion of some sort trying to take advantage of the virus panic and corona literally survives because she is the only one who remained sane doing all of this.
Well, I am a Chinese. And the title just attracted me to click in.
These crazy viruses have made me stuck at home for nearly THREE months. I'm totally bored. Here's something I have to say:
Honestly, the mortality rate of Coronavirus isn't really high. It is these rumors and panics that are really harm, instead the viruses.
So here's what you need to do: 1.Don't panic. 2.Wash your hands more frequently. 3.Don't go outdoors unless you have to. (But if you do, make sure you wearing a mask.)
That's not true, people at all ages may get sick.
It is a great story, though. Thanks for writing this.
This really made me laugh.
10132277
did you not saw the pics or videos lately?
10132311
This just came to me: What if ponies wearing masks?
You know ponies mainly do things with their mouths (except unicorns). If their mouths are covered, it surely would cause a great trouble to them, which would be hilarious.
Maybe you can even write a sequel!
I have... no idea... what I... just read!
10132311
Little question mark, do you have lots of friends?
Frankly speaking the New Corona Virus is more dangerous and horrible than you have thought. The sickness and death rate are low only because of the collaboration of Chinese people as well as our government. Without valid measures all efforts we could get fighting against the virus will be in vain.
Staying at home is right, after all. Not only you stay at home, but nearly everybody in the country, especially during the Spring Festival. This is one of valid measures. Such measures were taken so that you could see the rate going down.
For those who have little knowledge about the virus, I have to tell you that staying at home if possible is the smartest choice. If you have to be out, masks should be wore. Keep away from the public, at least don't stay close to them. Protect yourself, and the virus will someday fade out.
As I understand it, most people who get the virus turn out perfectly fine. The issue is more with people who are older, or have a preexisting condition like diabetes or a lung issue. It's a lot like influenza; most people will be miserable but fine, and it's only sometimes that it gets serious.
Having said that, there are plenty of people who are at high risk of complications, and should absolutely be worried.
10132430
I don’t get what is so scary about coronavirus.
I mean, I got a relative who got infected and recovered in about three weeks, all he got is flu like symptoms
And the scariest part is just getting quarantine. He says he hate being lonely.
10132329 I saw a vlog of someone buying toilet paper last week on YT, but I wasn’t sure why at the time.
10132430
Knowledge silences fear.
The Chinese government covered it up for weeks before they couldn't hide it. They are still desperately searching for a way to blame it on someone else. They are hardly cooperating, and if you knew the horrendous draconian measures they are using, you might want to reconsider. Because Taiwan does not trust the Chinese government, they took action 3 weeks before China admitted to the problem, and as of Wednesday, had only 44 cases, if I recall. Possibly the single best response and result in the world.
The virus itself is displaying a roughly 1% mortality rate, and even that is primarily in people over 60 or in those with weak lungs already. Primary cause of death is uncontrollable coughing to the point of not being able to breathe. Main reason Italy had so many die is actually hard choices due to a lack of enough ventilators to go around, so older patients lose out to the younger, which is seen well enough in the average age of virus-fatalities around 81. It also is mostly limited in Italy to one area with a Chinese population and around 9000 cases.
Also, please note THE VIRUS IS NOT SPREAD THROUGH THE AIR. It is transmitted by contact with things like saliva or mucus expelled via coughing or sneezing. The biggest problem is people are bad at washing their hands, having it on their hands, and touching their face, leading to infection. Symptoms tend to be fever, body aches and weakness, and coughing, but it is entirely possible to be completely asymptomatic (meaning no symptoms at all), but still infectious. There are also instances being seen where they do not know how someone got it, but it is big enough now that this is fairly irrelevant to the general public, because we lack the training to make it meaningful to know.
If a mask makes you calm down, go for it, but do not erroneously believe it protects you. As it is, you need a specific type of weave (RN9 or something but I only heard it offhand) or a mask is not doing anything against a pathogen anyway. The main value of masks is also meant for preventing one from spreading what they have, not stopping getting infected.
Above all, everyone should take a breath and relax. Most of the Quarantine protocols are to minimize the spread, flatten the curve, and are not at all indicative of how many people actually infected. It is not as bad as the media makes it sound in almost every region. I learned there is a confirmed case less than 3 miles from me, but I am not afraid at all because I think through how it spreads and what the risk factors are. Most have just gotten a little too used to 'everything is fine and always will be' idiocy, forgetting what living with real risks is like.
And if you really do not know how to deal with this situation, try opening a Bible and start reading about what Jesus said.
I will never be afraid of anything in this world anymore.
The Lord God of the Bible gives a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I wonder how many dislikes are from too sooners and too farers
10132619
'Cause it may bring people irreversible damage. From lungs to the reproductive system.
Sometimes small things just like a cough can help the virus spread. The plague is not a thing that can be taken as a joke. Protect yourself for yourself.
10132664
Yea, thanks for the care
10132662
Bruh 这不是中国，很多人不懂华语
Translation: this is not China, a lot of people don’t know chinese
10132626
It's actually got a much higher mortality rate now, sitting at around a 3% average last I heard, but at 8% for people over 60. This is going to be skewed, since the overwhelming of cases have been in China, and due to poor air quality, the people there are probably more vulnerable to a virus that often kills through attacking the respiratory system.
10132619
Don't read any further if you don't want a bit of paranoia fuel.
What's scary at least on a general level, is how easily it bypasses attempts to contain it. Unlike other, similar viruses, COVID-19 symptoms can be anywhere from life threatening to non-existent. it has an incubation period of roughly two weeks, but the host is infectious for most of that.
Basically, you and anyone who's come into contact with you could already be infected, and it may be weeks before you even realize it. It's virtually impossible to stop, because it can't be spotted before its to late. For reasonably healthy people, it's not likely to kill, but the sheer number of people it has the potential to infect means that it could end up killing a lot of people.
It was only a matter of time before one of these stories hit the featured box.
10132671
He says: "The virus could be spreaded via droplets, and self-recovery is nearly an impossible thing without hospitals."
10132673
While this could play a role, it seems that preparedness was the key factor there. If you look at the numbers, you’ll see that the mortality rate in Wuhan was much greater than in the rest of China. It all started in Wuhan, so they were logically unprepared, hospitals quickly got overwhelmed and chaos ensued with Wuhan being quarantined. And the quarantine was what gave the other provinces time to prepare—to stock up on masks, respirators, lung ventilators, and so on. In fact, you can see it’s the same in Europe: Italy was unprepared and didn’t react quickly when the Italian patient zero first appeared. Once the infection started spreading like wildfire, their health care system failed. (Another disadvantage of Italy is that their population is rather old on average, so a lot of Italians developed the more severe symptoms.)
Also, a fun fact is that China had a huge stock of face masks and respirators due to the poor air quality, plus a lot of people are used to wearing these everyday. Even if we consider China reporting just every tenth infected person, we’ll see that the virus still hasn’t spread as much as how one might expect based on the cramped conditions and the massive size of the populace. And it’s quite likely that the face masks have significantly contributed to slowing the spread.
10131813
you too... don't cut off your supply of life-giving Oxygen by accident now that you've sealed yourshelf away.
10131837
well, not every thing khan be a bastion of eternal comedy... some are diseased by not being funny... keep smugging...
10131858
best way to ease the dark situations... the dork situations too...
10132120
That makes an horrible ammount of sense... who could have said that the Covid-19 pandamic was the work of Emperor Palpítoad
10132277
Don't you know? the COVID-19 Pandamic promotes the Otaku lifestyle: isolationism, and what's the one thing every animal do? they poop, and if you're going to be sealed away for 1+ month without toilet paper and without acess to more of it...
10131898
If I may throw my hat into the ring,
Comedy is subjective. Not objective. Jimmy only said it wasn't funny. There's no need to be rude to him over his tastes, all he did was state his opinion. He didn't harass, he didn't attack, he only said that it wasn't funny. Now, I admit, I haven't read the story yet, but still, Jimmy did, and he didn't like it. To think, the world has gotten to this point. To the point that we bash people over OPINION, rather than talk over FACT. All Jimmy did was express the former. His opinion of dislike.
You can be smug, just don't be a douche.
Well, now I wish I hadn't let my mandarin get rusty from 6 years of disuse. Anyway, yeah, I'd much rather you guys debate how funny/unfunny my stupid one-shot is, as opposed to the lethality or lack thereof of this pandemic. I'm surprised nobody's caught the extremely blatant video game reference yet.
10132975
有些人就是不懂笑话
This story was pretty on point for how people are reacting to this virus. I mean seriously, your first reaction upon hearing that there is an infectious disease in your area is to run to the store to stock up on things. The one place in your area that is going to have the highest concentration of potential virus carriers, where you're going to be packed in close to these people for long periods of time. Where people have been touching the things you are about to take home, and as such might already be contaminated with the virus? Real smart move there people.
What people should have done is buy a little extra when they went to the store in the weeks leading up to now. I mean, come on, it's a no brainier that the virus is going to spread, it's what they do. I don't understand why so many people wait till the last minute and then rush out and panic shop for things. It's so counter productive.
Also, in case people were not aware of this, wash your hands after handling cash, it is one of the filthiest things in the world. That's probably how the virus is able to break containment so easily, it hitches a ride on a green back.
10132780
Exactly. It started in Wuhan, and logically everyone was underprepared. That's why it was so bad, and here's the thing. Italy had a pretty poor response -and from the sounds of things, Iran as well- which seems to me why everything is so bad there. China is slowly getting a downturn in deaths and infections. In one way, they were prepared for all of this. It's like a constant to wear face masks and the like over there. Same thing with South Korea and Japan, which is why there's a slow downturn of things over there.
10131809
10131848
Distinct sense of humour failure here. I found this a good way to relieve the tension surrounding current times.
How did people stay sane in WW2? Humour. Why should coronavirus be any different?
dammit, you beat me to it. I was gonna write a coronavirus themed story. Oh, well. Still a good story.
10133053
Pretty on point? This was dead- freaking exact. WW3 almost happened two months ago, and people decide to flip shit NOW about a freaking cough. Society is stupid.