Celestia Immoral
Celestia had a problem.
She also had a sister named Luna. Luna was not the problem, and Celestia would sternly correct anyone who said otherwise. But while Celestia was generally seen as benevolent, wise, and an overall little miss perfect hooves, Luna was not quite so respected by the ponies they ruled.
To be fair, it was partially Luna’s fault. She once tried to destroy everything Celestia worked for, and while such is perfectly normal behavior for any little sister, the fact that this included all of Equestria put the event squarely in the “apocalyptic” category. It all resolved, of course, with no one terribly the worse for wear. But the fact remained that Luna was viewed by their ponies as only somewhat benevolent, modestly wise, and definitely not perfect.
One morning, Celestia resolved to do something good for her sister. Everyone makes mistakes, and it was wrong for ponies to treat Luna differently just because of one teensy apocalypse a thousand years ago. Yet each idea Celestia had for a something good became less good upon examination.
She could bake Luna a cake! But they would just say, “What a perfect pony Celestia is, baking a cake for her sister.”
She could throw a party for Luna! But they would just say, “What a perfect pony Celestia is, throwing a party for her sister.”
She could finally attend a Nightmare Night! But then, “How good of Celestia to join us!” And that might even make things worse as she becomes the star of Luna’s favorite holiday.
Celestia had been coming up with ideas since morning, and now it was two o’clock. Back on her throne after a lunch she barely tasted, which was an unfortunate waste of a good lunch. She canceled many meetings in order to ponder her conundrum, but did have to sit through one with the griffon king. Appointments with kings could not be cancelled.
She blinked twice, staring at the king. The king thought he impressed her.
It occurred to Celestia that, had it occurred to Celestia earlier, she could have gotten out of the meeting by pushing him down some stairs.
But of course, she could not have. That would have been evil.
Yet Celestia continued blinking, and the griffon king puffed up his feathers in pride.
Evil… she did not like that word. All ponies had reasons for what they did, and if those reasons were bad, it was because they missed or misunderstood some important lesson they should have learned.
This did not change the fact that evil was bad, of course. Very bad. Most of all because it made ponies sad and angry. Celestia had always been very conscientious to keep evil at hoof’s length, having hard-earned her status of little miss perfect hooves.
Celestia blinked many times. The griffon king asked if she was having a seizure. Celestia did not respond, and so he quietly left.
Yes – yes! That was why ponies said Luna was only somewhat benevolent, modestly wise, and all those other nasty names. She had done evil. Celestia had not.
But what if Celestia turned evil? The thought expanded before her like a pleasant dream. She would stop being a little miss perfect hooves, which was a worthy sacrifice for sibling love. Ponies would go to Luna for help, and she would come stop Celestia’s evil rampage. Afterwards they would celebrate and cheer for Luna, showering her with candy and nice compliments.
Celestia pondered her plan, making loud “HmmmmMMM” noises and searching it for flaws. Finding none, she gave a cheerful giggle, rearing up in her seat and clapping her hooves together once.
She caught herself. Villains do not giggle. Sometimes they laugh evilly, but most of the time they scowl and sulk. She slid a hoof down her face, turning it to a menacing frown.
Well, Celestia hoped it looked menacing. She turned to one of the guards by her throne, frowning hard enough to hurt her mouth. “Do I look menacing?”
The guard trembled, staring back with wide eyes. “You’re adorable.”
He gave a sudden cough, adopting a stone face and complimenting his ruler like any good soldier should. “I meant that you look incredibly menacing, Princess!”
“‘Incredibly?’ That’s too much, I don’t want to scare ponies.” Celestia let the scowl drop, then raised her voice to address him and the other guards. “I am going to go work evil. Take the rest of the day off and spend it with your families.”
She walked (menacingly) from the throne room, adjusting her posture with added evilness as it came to mind. Her nose raised imperiously, and her hooves stomped.
Celestia sneezed just as she left the throne room. The guard managed to hold in his instinct until she closed the door, whereupon he squealed, “She sneezes like a kitten!”
The palace kitchens smelled of sugar and fresh cookies, and bustled with work as it always did in feeding the bottomless pits ponies called stomachs. The head chef enjoyed the busy-ness of it all, and indeed felt a little out of sorts whenever things were calm and quiet. He did not like change – kitchens had one, endless job, and it should be as consistent as his name.
His name? Chef Buoy, R.D. “R.D.” for registered dietitian, “Buoy” because his mom was a sailor, and the “chef” was self-explanatory.
Even a change in ingredients could throw the poor chef off his game. He had just made forty cakes for the annual moth appreciation holiday, had the forty-first all ready to go, and he forgot the most important part!
At least, he presumed it was important. He laid nothing but the needed ingredients on his baking table, yet there next to the cake was a small, white snoot. It sniffed and snuffled, making its way closer to its icing-garbed home. Chef Buoy would have to start over, right after he checked to see when to add the snoot…
As the snuffling snoot continued towards the cake, two pink eyes and a horn came to view behind it. Chef Buoy startled, then sighed with relief. He didn’t miss an ingredient after all. A surprise visit from his absolute ruler who had the power to juggle suns was considerably less frightening!
“Hello, Princess!” he said, letting the relief find his voice. “Is the cake to your liking?”
“Yes,” Celestia said in a voice that reminded Chef Buoy of a lovely kitten he knew as a child, who had been his best friend and inspired him to go to culinary school.
Celestia stared at him in silence. Long enough to let the nostalgia pass and make things a little uncomfortable.
Finally, her eyes moved to his finished work, and the snoot scrunched into a cute smile. “I am going to steal this cake.”
Chef Buoy paused to consider this, then shook his head. “You can’t.”
Celestia’s mouth turned upside-down into a pout that was even cuter than the smile. “Why not?”
“Because everything in this palace belongs to you.” Chef Buoy shrugged. He wasn’t Pinkie-Pie-Promise certain that was how things worked, but it made sense. “You can’t steal something you already own.”
Celestia poked her tongue against her cheek, adopting an expression of careful thought. “So… it wouldn’t be evil?”
“Not at all,” Chef Buoy said cheerfully.
“What about those?” Celestia’s eyes flicked to the racks of completed cakes. “How many are there?”
“Forty.”
“What if I stole forty cakes?”
“That would be awful,” Chef Buoy conceded. “But those cakes are already yours, too. You can have them if you like. Or I could whip up something...”
He trailed off, ignored. Celestia dejectedly withdrew her snoot and began walking to the door, head downcast before she remembered to hold it high like an evil-doer.
If she couldn’t work evil in the palace, she would just have to leave!
A jingling bell by the door announced the presence of a customer.
Intellectually, Sassy Saddles knew that customers were good. Customers were the reason she followed her cutie mark instead of night-shifting a grocery store. She was genuinely happy to see customers almost every day of the year.
Sassy put on her smile, though a line of horrible moth-themed dresses temporarily blocked her view of the guest. “Hello, and welcome to ‘Rarity For You,’ where everything is chic, unique, and moth-themed for the holiday. How can I...”
Her breath caught into a joyful squeal upon seeing Princess Celestia was the customer. Which was a normal response to seeing Celestia, but Sassy had the added bonus of anticipating her ten-percent commission rate suddenly paying off the mortgage.
It was odd that the princess seemed deliberately shifty, casting her eyes here and there as though expecting trouble. But Sassy supposed she had a good reason – after all, Celestia ruled Equestria alone except for that one blue pony. She must be under a lot of stress.
Sassy approached and bowed low, trying to keep all trace of greed from her voice. “Princess Celestia! How may I serve you?”
“Hello, Sassy,” Celestia said, being a little miss perfect hooves who knew the names of all her subjects. “I am here to steal your dresses.”
Sassy nodded enthusiastically, as one did when talking to rich ponies. “Absolutely! Please take all you want, especially the moth ones. Will you be paying in gems or bits?”
Celestia looked to Sassy, and seemed to chew her tongue for a second before answering. “Um… I’m stealing them. I’m taking them without paying, which is evil.”
“Oh, it’s not evil at all!” Sassy covered her beaming mouth with a hoof. “I’ll just bill the palace, like we did for your gala dress.”
“Not evil?” Celestia reared back as though taken by surprise.
“Not in the slightest,” Sassy assured her.
Celestia’s response came a little slower this time, her snoot scrunching as she puzzled this new development. “But what if I don’t pay?”
“Then I bill the palace.”
“What if I do pay?” Celestia pressed.
“Then...” Sassy felt a confused and unprofitable grin spread across her face. “Great?”
“Do I have any other options?”
Technically, she had the option to leave without buying anything, but Sassy didn’t see much reason to bring that up. “I don’t think so.”
Celestia’s look of concentration did not pass slowly. A brain that had managed a nation flawlessly for centuries turned back and forth, seeking a way out of the conundrum. It wasn't stealing if she paid for the dresses, and if she didn’t pay… still not stealing. No stealing meant no evil, which meant no heroic opportunity for Luna.
A wasted trip. But she was in a dress store, she had to buy a dress. It would be rude to do otherwise.
“I suppose...” made glum by her fresh defeat, Celestia shrugged. “Pick out a dress for me and send it to the palace.”
“Can I send you the moth-themed dress that’s made of diamonds and priced accordingly?”
Celestia did not hear. “That will do. Here are the gems.”
She paid and made her way to the door, too despondent to stomp in a properly evil fashion. The future played out within her mind: Celestia the little miss perfect hooves, once more putting Luna in her shadow. Next came jealousy and Nightmare Moon, all because being evil was so much harder than it looked.
No, she mustn’t give up! Celestia raised her head, fixing a determined glare upon the exit just as another pony walked in.
The newcomer squeaked and froze, having not expected or deserved a Royal Glare. Celestia reduced it immediately to a Royal Pout in order to free the poor mare.
The girl bowed timidly… very timidly. Celestia examined her – off-white coat, and light-blue mane in an unassuming bobcut. Not small, but smol – a full-grown mare destined to grow no larger. Cute and wimpy, with skinny little hooves that never threw a punch in their lives.
The mare trembled under Celestia’s gaze, shrinking down like a nervous cat with dinner-plate eyes wide and stumbling lips uttering all she could think to say. “I’m sorry.”
A wicked idea blossomed in Celestia’s chest-floof, and she unleashed a giggle and happy clip-clop of the hooves. Perfect, perfect! And indisputably evil.
“Hello, my little pony,” Celestia said. Then, pretending she didn’t already know, “What’s your name?”
“Coco Pommel,” came the response, more from fearful obedience than any desire to be made known.
“Nice to meet you, Coco. I have become evil and am going to kidnap you.”
“Why?” Coco asked. Her mint-green eyes took a glassy sheen.
Celestia squealed inside. What a cutie! “Because this is my first time kidnapping somepony, and you look very kidnappable. You are smol and weak, and probably too shy to even yell for help because you don’t want to be a bother. Don’t worry, it’s only until my good sister Luna comes to save you.”
“Who?”
“Luna,” Celestia said.
Coco coughed gently.
“My sister,” Celestia added.
Coco nodded, pretending to understand. She shuffled her hooves, eyes downcast, growing cuter by the second. “I wish you wouldn’t kidnap me. I have to pick up some dresses and deliver them.”
“Oh.” Celestia carefully turned a Royal Pout upon the wall before brightening. “Would you be available if I have my guards make the deliveries?”
“Yes, that would be fine,” Coco mumbled. “But I’m still a little nervous. This is my first time being kidnapped.”
“You’ll be alright,” Celestia assured her, and proved it by stepping in for a nose-nuzzle (nothing bad could ever come from a nose-nuzzle). She raised Coco with her magic and settled the mare onto her back. Then she poofed in a blanket and mug of hot chocolate for her victim, because it was getting chilly.
Celestia stepped outside and raised her wings, but paused as she felt Coco tense upon her back. “Are you scared of heights?”
“Yes,” Coco said meekly.
“Then we shall walk.” Celestia folded her wings and set off at a perky trot. “By the way, just so you know, you’re allowed to yell for help.”
Coco shrugged, sipping one of the little marshmallows from her mug. “It’s okay. I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Egads, Celestia has kidnapped a helpless dressmaker!”
“Who will save us!?”
“Don’t worry, Princess Luna is very cool and stopped Celestia from being evil.”
“Hooray for Princess Luna!”
Celestia sat on her throne, stroking Philomena and giggling. Word of Coco’s kidnapping was surely spreading across Equestria. Soon Luna would hear, and the ponies would see her rise bravely in the name of all that was good.
Soon… soon.
In the meantime, to make sure Coco didn’t escape, Celestia handed her over to the workers at the palace spa and asked them to give her a full-body massage. The little mare would be helpless with her muscles so relaxed! Just another part of Celestia’s evil scheme.
She began rocking giddily. Philomena grew annoyed and left, which was a little sad, but that couldn’t keep down Celestia’s good mood. Not with Luna racing like the wind to save her ponies. Any minute now, she would come and challenge Celestia.
...Any minute now.
Remembering that a watched pot never boils, Celestia took a swim with her prisoner in the spa’s hot tub. Then they showered and went to dinner, where Coco occupied the seat of the Guest of Honor (right next to Celestia, so she couldn’t escape). The girl had gotten wonderfully less nervous as the hours ticked by, smiling and chatting freely. They took a little nappy-poo together after dinner, snuggling down by the fireplace until the clock struck eight.
Still no sign of Luna. Celestia watched the clock, frowning, until a little hoof poked her side.
“Princess?” Coco said sweetly. “I have to go home and feed my cat.”
Celestia sighed with her mind. She nodded and gave a warm wing-hug as she walked Coco to the door. There was no point in spreading a bad mood. And it was not a total loss – no, not at all! Hers would be a slow descent into evil. One kidnapping, then another until Luna had no choice but to intervene. Celestia’s reputation for evil began today!
Celestia smiled (evilly) as Coco departed. The smol pony turned back give a cheerful wave. “Goodbye, Princess! I had a great time!”
“You were Celestia’s guest?” A passerby asked. More gathered as Coco spoke.
“Yes! We met while I was at work and she treated me to a spa and dinner.”
Another chimed in. “Princess Celestia is so good!”
“Tell us the story,” a pony in a fedora said, preparing a pen and notebook. “I’m a reporter for Equestria’s largest newspaper. This time tomorrow, the whole country will learn Celestia is the nicest pony you could ever meet!”
Twilight Sparkle laughed. “As if we needed the reminder.”
“She bought enough dresses to pay off my mortgage!”
“Look, there she is!”
The crowd turned to Celestia and cheered, throwing hats to the air and breaking out into a spontaneous musical number.
Celestia joined in. It would have been rude to do anything else.
Celestia ate a late supper with Luna that night.
Or, more accurately, Luna ate supper while Celestia squished her snoot firmly to the tabletop.
“If you are tired, then go to bed.”
Celestia gave a low groan as she lifted her snoot. She found Luna’s lovely blue eyes, looking back with a gaze that somehow conveyed both affection and total indifference. Like a cat, she supposed.
“Luna, I’m sorry.”
One black eyebrow arched perfectly. “Whatever for?”
“I know ponies aren’t as nice to you as they are me, and I know it’s because you turned evil once. So I tried to be evil so they would start treating you better. I tried all day – everything I could think of, but nothing worked and I have no idea why! Being evil is too hard for me.”
Celestia hung her head, but perked it back up at Luna’s reply.
“I am glad to hear it.”
Celestia blinked once, then guessed an answer. “Because you don’t want me sacrificing my goodness for you?”
“No.” Luna licked the back of her hoof and used it to smooth out her ear-fuzz. “Because you’re always such a little miss perfect hooves who succeeds at everything she does. To see my hero try to do something and fail makes me feel good about myself. It reminds me that even you have flaws, just like me.”
“I’m your hero?” The thought unleashed a swarm of happy little butterflies in Celestia’s heart.
Luna gave a coy smile, which for Luna was the equivalent of singing and dancing. “Of course you are. And you made me happy; thank you very much.”
Celestia trembled with glee as she gave the only polite reply. “You’re welcome.”
“Now,” Luna said, rising from her empty plate. “I am full and drowsy, and you are past your bedtime. Let us retire to your room and snuggle together until we fall asleep.”
And so they did.
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Absolutely adorable. It took a bit to realise Celestia's actual size, but the kitchen scene established it well while also giving me diabetes.
This pleases me greatly.
omg so adorable
I think this was the most dastardly part of the story by a country mile. The absolute audacity of such an unscrupulous tyrant.
Best end ever!
What a cute little story! Thank you for writing it.
you cant just go around clogging my arteries like this man! i need those!
(i kid, but seriously, "adorable" doesn't even BEGIN to accurately describe this story!)
Don't worry Celestia. You'll succeed in your plans next time.
And then Princess Luna snuggled the villain into submission. The end!
Very nice! This actually felt like a children's story, and not in a bad way. The sort of thing that a parent would read to a small child for bedtime. And, in the true tradition of My Little Pony G4, it's a children's story that both the child and the parent would enjoy.
I see what you did there.
Okay, that was adorable. On top of everything else, I love the fact that it was Coco Pommel of all ponies that got to be the kidnapped 'victim' (I don't know why, I guess I just think Coco deserves the Royal treatment).
Also:
This made me laugh much more than it should have.
Omg that was hilarious and adorable
Now that you mention it, Coco is extremely kidnappable. How have I not realized it before?
This was hilarious, and adorable to a degree I'd thought almost impossible. I loved it! XD
I admit, it took me longer than it should have to realize the snoot was not a hitherto unknown animal species... Such a cute bit of imagery. And the kidnapping of Coco, oh that was amazing. She is so VERY kidnappable. I can even imagine her saying those things in her voice.
Oh my goodness that ending. I love how you brought it around to be something so positive
This is adorable. I love the childish prose! Reads almost like a storybook.
9934879
The snoot IS a rare species. It was nearly booped into extinction during the great snoot wars.
9934719
That's how you know Celestia's serious - she's resorting to the tactics of her greatest nemesis:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/11/17/155258.png
I was grinning the entire time I read this. Celestia is so friggin' cute. As was everypony else, to a somewhat lesser extent. Sassy's 'one blue pony' remark actually got me laughing. The entire boutique scene was magnificent. Very nice work!
So cute!
I could be wrong, but I'm preeeeetty sure that's not how evil works, Your Highness. Awfully friggin' cute, though!
*klaxon* MEME INCOMING!
And there it is.
Lord freezer, she is not.
Love the snoot moment. And I really want a spin-off that focuses on the Griffon King spending a good 10 min or so trying to discern if Celestia needed attention.
I hate this story.
It made me feel happy inside.
And snuggly and warm.
So I hate it.
I hate it and I hate you.
Curse your wonderful little brain for coming up with this wonderful little story.
May you find crumbs in your bed.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take some insulin and have these cavities looked at.
Because of this stupid, wonderful story.
...
Small crumbs.
Hundreds of them.
All over the sheets.
9934817
Dude, Celestia is very kidnappable. Then again, she has done it before in the past. A willing "unwilling victim" that invariable results in the dastardly pony perpetrators going insane and/or running to the nearest authorities (currently not kidnapped) and begging to take her back. Of course, it's through no fault of her own that it always ends in tears (of relief from the criminals)...
I wonder if Celestia ponders if Luna has this much difficulty being kidnapped? Although considering it's Luna, she probably has to force them at sword-point to kidnap her else they'll just run away to the same authorities. Poor Luna. You'll always be best kidnapped Princess to me.
Does Celestia KNOW how evil works? I love this story, but Luna is still best princess.
Aww that's an adorable ending x3
People have described sickly sweet a flavor I have never experienced, until now.
This was sickly sweet
But seriously good story two thumbs way way up!
I can see this being a cute little series instead of a one-shot.
I see what you did there Dan. It was actually a fairly slick play on words.
And that was a dangerously cute fic man.
Having a father who loves to cook and a sister-in-law who loves to bake, I can confirm that this is how such people's minds work.
I love the idea of Luna being the Blue Celestia to Luigi's Green Mario.
Punch, no. What she did to Suri Polomare is best categorized as a mauling.
Adorable throughout, especially the kitty-princesses. Thank you for a delightful little read.
Warning! Lethal levels of cuteness ahead!
Oh, screw you. That one got me.
I'm usually not one much for KinderQuestria but this was BRILLIANT! An absolutely delightful romp in an idyllic setting. I'm more familiar with your dramas, so this actually came as quite the pleasant surprise for me.
This is a very important holiday. The ancient moth god must be appeased or it shall arise to destroy us all.
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/p__/images/5/58/GVMTBFE_-_Mothra.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20160207234445&path-prefix=protagonist
And then Moth Day arrived, and Celestia stepped to the podium to announce the start of the festivities, her new dress accenting her lovely perfect perfectness... and then she felt a small squish beneath her hoof.
"She... THE PRINCESS JUST SQUASHED THE MOTH AMBASSADOR!! SHE'S BECOME EEEEEEEEVIL!!!!"
bevwere.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/evil.jpg
Celestia was pleased that she'd done evil at long last. But also sad, because now there would be terribly fluttery war with the moths for perhaps a whole week. So she did the only natural thing one could do in such a circumstance: drop the Sun on the planet and start over.
The world needs more stories like this! Far too many people are overdosing on #sad and #tragedy and not enough appreciate the unique powers of #diabetes
We seriously need that tag by the way.
Love everything about the story, it's pure awwwwwwesome
9939736
It took you pointing it out.
9941828
I think my nihilism took some serious damage to this fic...
Celestia tried to steal forty cakes?
That's 40 cakes.
That's as many as four tens.
And that's terrible.
9954319
It was actually pretty subtle.
9954350
Usually I'm pretty with it. As soon as it got to "forty cakes" I instantly said "and that's terrible" to myself. A Mark Of Appeal's Scrubs reference characters stumped me until the J.D.-Pony did the "look up and left / daydream" thing. And it's been like, five or six years? And I just had it pointed out to me that Mister Flankington in the Continuum is Plankton-pony.
9954668
I'm usually pretty on the ball myself, but I miss things too. It just happens.
9953492
Cuddly terror!
Awwww
I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've seen the Royal Chef actually be a named character where he isn't based on Gordan Ramsey. That alone would earn you an upvote. The fluffy adorableness earned the fave.
9954668
I only found out both of those thanks to TVTropes. Then again, I've only seen about a dozen episodes of both of those...combined. I was also only vaguely aware that the ''forty cakes'' thing was a meme. I'm a terrible internet user.