Best Intentions
Prejudicial Procedure Problem
by iisaw
= = =
"Twilight?" Starlight Glimmer called out, knocking softly on the doors of the castle's library. "The applicants have all arrived."
"Wonderful!" Twilight Sparkle replied. "Come in! I just need to finish a few things and I'll be ready to start the interviews."
Starlight entered the library to find Twilight sitting behind a desk covered with blank forms, inkwells, and quills. Before the desk stood a large, comfortable chair.
"Do you think this is okay?" Twilight asked her. "I don't want to be too intimidating."
Starlight gave her a slightly twisted grin. "I don't know if a comfy chair will make the new ruler of Equestria passing judgment on them any less intimidating, but it's a thoughtful touch."
"I'm not passing judgment on them!" Twilight protested. "I'm merely evaluating their suitability for each position."
"It won't feel like that to them, believe me. You're choosing the personal staff of the Equestrian Royal Princess! Winning or losing out on a job like that is a huge deal!"
Twilight frowned in thought for a minute. "I'll make sure to impress on them that simply making it to the interview stage is high praise of their abilities."
"That… might be a good idea, actually." Starlight paused and glanced over her shoulder at the doors, shuffling her hooves slightly.
"Was there something else?" Twilight asked
"I… I just wanted to congratulate you on the… variety of applicants."
"I'm hearing a 'but' there." Twilight said, raising an eyebrow.
Starlight sighed and gave her a sheepish grin. "It's just that there are griffins, changelings, a couple of mules, and even a dragon out there… but only two of them are male. With over thirty applicants, it's glaringly obvious."
Twilight was silent for a moment and then said, "Let me show you something." She teleported a huge sheet of paper into the room and held it up for Starlight to read. "I prepared this spreadsheet listing all the relevant qualities of all the applicants."
"Of course you did," Starlight muttered under her breath.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing! Go on!"
Twilight gave the faintest of sighs and continued. "The names are across the top, and the column on the left is the list of the qualities I'm most concerned about. Do you notice something about those qualities?"
Starlight squinted at the small, neat lettering. "The entries under 'Affability Quotient' are symbols I've never seen before."
"No, what descriptors don't you see?"
"Uhm…" Starlight thought back to the discussion that had started this impromptu lecture. "Gender isn't listed."
"Or tribe. Or even species, for that matter." Twilight grinned. "My selection of the candidates is based purely on merit! The fact that there are relatively few stallions on the list has nothing to do with sexism!"
Starlight sighed. "But Twilight, that's just indicative of a much deeper problem in Equestrian society! Stallions are underrepresented because they get fewer educational opportunities than mares! Everypony thinks they're not as intelligent, and the Marearchy reinforces that attitude by—"
Twilight interrupted her. "As much as I'd love to debate that, it'll have to wait until later. I have thirtythree interviews to get through today, and wasting even a half-hour would put me behind schedule."
Starlight sighed. Twilight was her boss, (not to mention her sovereign.) "I'll send in the first applicant."
Twilight glanced down at her (randomized in the interest of fairness) list. "That would be Utter Awe. Huh. Interesting name."
Starlight chuckled. "It's not inappropriate. Wait until you meet her! Most beautiful jenny I've ever seen!"
"Oh, she's a mule?"
"Yep. I'll send her in."
Starlight was correct. Utter Awe was a gorgeous young jenny, with a light golden coat and dark, lustrous mane and tail. Her long ears were elegant rather than awkward. The dark stripe along her backbone spread out into thin, wing-like flares over her shoulders, and her eyes were a pale blue color almost unheard of for a mule.
Contrary to Starlight's expectations, she didn't seem intimidated in the least. She strode confidently into the library taking in the room with a glance and an attitude that suggested she wasn't even impressed.
"Welcome to the Castle of Friendship, Utter Awe," Twilight greeted her. "Please take a seat. I want you to feel comfortable and relaxed during this interview, so please just call me Twilight."
"I prefer to be called Ms. Awe," the mule said. "And I'd prefer to call you Princess, if you don't mind. I wouldn't want to forget your station or what you represent."
"Umn.... okay. That's fine with me," Twilight replied, shifting mental gears to a more formal style than she'd planned on using. "I would like to impress upon you that making it as far as this interview stage of the hiring process is, in itself, an indication of how remarkably well-qualified you—"
"Oh," the jenny interrupted her. "So you've already decided not to hire me, and now you're making excuses?"
"What? No!" Twilight gaped at her and struggled to find a reply to such an unfair accusation.
"Oh, don't worry about it, Princess. I'm used to being trotted out to show off how modern and open to diversity some corrupt noble is… then being thrown out as soon as the cameras and reporters have gone!"
Twilight couldn't help herself. "There are cameras and reporters out there?"
Ms. Awe looked down her nose disdainfully. "Of course there are! Didn't you arrange for them to record your oh-so-diverse line-up?"
"No, I… I just wanted to hire a good staff," Twilight said quietly, as the enormity of the situation began to dawn on her.
"Must have been your tame 'revolutionary', then." The jenny sniffed. "Starlight Glimmer… what a sock-puppet! Well, she's not as smart as she thinks she is! She messed up this photo op and accidentally revealed how deep the prejudices of the Marearchy go! Only one stallion and one jack in the entire group! That's obvious and blatant sexism!"
"No! Please, Ms. Awe..." Twilight protested. "I have this spreadsheet…"
But the jenny had gotten the metaphorical bit in her perfect white teeth and there was no stopping her. "I am an ally fighting for the oppressed males of Equestria! I won't rest until the Marearchy is toppled and the vast conspiracy to hide the male alicorns from the public is—"
Starlight Glimmer entered the room to see what the shouting was about. She was just in time to watch Twilight teleport the frothing mule away.
Twilight looked at Starlight in dismay. "I just sent her to the train station! Honest!"
Starlight raised an eyebrow. "So, I'm guessing you won't be hiring her?"
"No." Twilight shook her head sadly. "There's no place for that Ms. Awe jenny here!"
= = =
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...Damn you.
*See's the last line...*
Oh son of a-! You got me
9797097
9797106
I'm in Awe.
9797112
Lucky you!
...I’m disappointed in myself for expecting anything else.
"I'm still concerned about those Affability Quotient symbols. I'm pretty sure one of them stared back at me."
"Huh. Only one?"
In any case, a bit late for the contest, but still exquisitely done. Thank you for it.
You are bad and you should feel bad for that!
Seriously though, you really got me.
9797164
You're welcome! I was one of the judges, so I couldn't enter... but it got my feghoot juices flowing. (Which made quite a mess, let me tell you!)
9797112
Lucky for you she's a mule 
Makes for no paternity problems....
Ah, I love a good feghoot. Shame I’ve never read one.
Goddammit iisaw
9797195
Fantastic Feghoot!
I stared at that last line for ten seconds.
And then I laughed. Well done.
I can't believe you've done this.
9797291
I know, right?
9797293 "Could be worse," said Starlight. "She's the only one of her family who applied. She has a sister."
"Her sister is worse?" asked Twilight, swallowing the hook whole.
"She brews artisanal wine made from dandelion roots," said Starlight, checking a box on her clipboard while edging ever so slightly closer to the doorway. "Then she serves it in a frosted glass, resting on a bed of fresh kale leaves, arranged in geometric patterns."
"I don't see how that is worse," said Twilight, wrinkling her brow in deep thought. "It actually doesn't sound too bad, compared to some of the dishes served in Canterlot."
"So would you like to make an appointment, Twilight? That way you can try the authentic jenny-wine art ala kale?"
Starlight almost made it to the door.
Poor Twilight. Great social commentary, and an excellent pun.
9797106
Yes.
*big mac and several other stallions* ma'am please shut up.
A story about misandry with a misogony pun? Umm well odd. But you gotta feel for Twilight she does everything to make gender NOT matter and is still accused of being a misandrist.
9797334
9797583
That's what is so stupid about trying to hire so your workforce is half man and half women. Or doing the same race wise.
Just hire who is best for the job. It should not matter if they end up being all Male or all female or all white or all black, ect. because of it.
...
You sonofa mule.
I trusted you.
(I'm dying.)
[obligatory groan]
:)
9797334
...Hm. I don't get that one, though. Authentic genuine... something, but I'm not parsing the something.
9797742
I'm guessing the last word is supposed to be article
Authentic Genuine Article.
9797776
Ah! Hm. Yes, with the right way of pronouncing "ala", that'd work! Thanks. Though now I'm wondering if it's a bit of a stretch or if my natural pronunciation of "ala" there is wrong.
Nice.
An awful pun. Fluttershy must object to your treatment of shaggy dogs.
9797733
Sadly lots think "Equality" means equal outcome no matter what, not equal outcome for equal effort.
9797740
9797997
I hate to say it
But I don't get that last pun
9798765
Ms. Awe jenny = misogyny.
i.imgur.com/jDBr2RI.png
The term for sexism against males is misandry
9797334
"I heard knew some Zebra shaman. Helped her write a a series of holy books or something. Really jump-started those changes in the Southern Empires all those years ago."
"Really? She had a part in all that?"
"Yup. I guess it all began with jenny's sis."
9800598
9801677
Yessir! Thank you, sir!
Well I'm utterly flummoxed.
That's a rare state for me.
You should be honored.
9799046
...but she wasn't misandric, was she?
Took me reading the last line out loud to catch the joke but that was pretty good.
No, this is definitely missing something....
There we go.
You're just fortunate I couldn't find a Twilight-Sparkle-in-shades emoticon to go with it. Yes, I DID search the interwebs...
9809948
That ending pun made me groan. Keep up the great work!
Took me a second to get the pun. As for the story itself...poor Twilight. She's trying to do good, only to get yelled at.
Some folks are never satisfied.
<groans>
I never see these coming...
9832854
Honestly, if there was a feghoot tag, I would have used it!
This whole story is a pun, but it does dish out food for thought:
We see few stallions in positions of power. All canonical alicorns are mares. We also have a lack of nonponies. 1 Exception to the mares in power is the Stallion Mayor of Manehattan:
I always felt that parents are unlikely to name their daughter Mare. It seems to me that Mayor Mare is wrong. If ponies use Mare and Stallion as formal address, then maybe the citizens of Ponyville refer to their Mayor formally as Mare Mayor and the ponies of Manehattan refer to their Mayor as Stallion Mayor. This is like referring to Presidents as Madame President or Mister President.
9882489
Or perhaps the mayor of Ponyville comes from an old sea-faring family that originated in another nation, speaking a different language. Considering the slight scandal concerning her mane color, I think Mare D'argento would be a lovely name, and it's easy to see how the foreign word for "sea" could have gotten confused with the Equuish word for female pony.
Or perhaps that's all horseshit.