Romance and Slice of Life Writer
After ruling Equestria for a few decades Princess Twilight and her former student Luster Dawn stumble upon a few bits of information that interests Twilight greatly.
As such the Alicorn and her friend travel to the far north, to visit the ancient archives of the Crystal empire.
Edited by Mystic and Tarkington, thank you both so much for the help.
Contest reward for DominiusTWD
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... And? You call that an ending? That's basically where the real story starts. Not where this one ends. Honestly, you crammed way too much into such a short story.
This would work better as a much longer one. Not a one shot.
love it!
10635443
Contest rules were a short story with max 2000 words, and for the winner I would do the same in kind, but if there is enough interest I might expand on it.
I know you had a word limit, but this just doesn't feel finished. The reveal that King Sombra is her ancestor isn't a conclusion, it's an opening to a story.
10635462
It is hm, I'll see if I can expand on it, I haven't written in over a year, this was meant to be a warm up, but constructive critiscism is welcome.
10635467
The premise is very interesting! I could see a lot being done with this.
10635453
You still had 392 words to work with then. Why end like that? It's not much to do with 392 words. But still.
10635485
Now now, don't downvote Morion for an honest question, as for an answer I'm really feeling quite rusty after a year of not writing my mind just drew a blank after a while.
I'm inclined to agree with the others' beliefs that this is more of an intro than a standalone work. That being said, I found it fairly enjoyable regardless. Certainly wouldn't mind seeing a continuation of some kind, that's for sure!
:)
Hmmm.
Enjoyable, though there are a few oddities and one or two typos. Time seems a bit wibbly-wobbly though. Ten years since she was given the talisman to raise the sun and moon (or is it that she was able to raise them without the talisman only ten years ago?) but twenty years teaching Luster Dawn, yet only months since Celestia moved out, 4 decades since her coronation, 46 years since Sombra?
With that timeline, Sombra shows up, gets beaten, Twilight ascends years later, then takes on Luster Dawn as a student, is given the talisman a decade later, and then several decades later Celestia moves out. I mean, between Luster Dawn being taken on before Twilight's raising the sun/moon, and Celestia only moving out a few months ago, it's a bit wiggy. I'm all for Twilight having a good relationship with Celestia and all, but we're talking almost 40 years of implied bedroom sharing. Hey... whatever raises her sun <shrugs>... Whatever happens in Canterlot, Stays in Canterlot.
Still, despite that, the premise is interesting and didn't feel forced. The scene shifts were understandable and the only piece that seemed completely without purpose was the bit about fritters... then again, character development and slice-of-life tend to leak in to FiM, so it's not damning.
It does feel like the prelude to a much larger story though. Which is good! Here's to hoping this little nugget infests the author's mind and curses them with the need to explore and write about such an intriguing idea. I'd happily read more.
10635495
Explains why none of this timeline making any sense. As 10635562 pointed out. Stupid rust. Takes all the fun out of everything.
You have an interesting premise: I just hope that you can expand upon it! I'd like to see where this goes.
There is one thing that confuses me. You mention that it's been forty years since the Crystal Empire returned, but Twilight's been sleeping in Celestia's room for only a few months. Did she just move into that room a few months ago? Where was she sleeping before? It's a bit of an out-of-place detail that confused me for a bit.
Nonetheless, you show great promise!
I agree with others that this feels more like the intro to something else than a full story. There's a lot of places you could go with this.
Hmmm, if it's noted as the 'First' then it's not old Blackie.
Of course, it could be one of his little touches but who wrote it?
Thinking on it, nobody in the show referred to him as 'the First' either ...
So it's very likely that the Sparkles are a cadet line rather than direct ...
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crud
I would love to either
A) see more
or
B) write off this idea and turn it into a huge story
This looks like a good premise, but it just looks like the prologue of a longer fanfic.
Is it a multiple chapter or something? Cause I like this fanfic to be more adventure kind of stories (just my opinion)
10636403
With this much interest I should really shake off the rust and pick up writing again instead of telling myself that my writing just can't improve.
10636479
You can improve more by just doing a research and understanding the character developments and stuff y'know
10636522
My issues are more with multiple speakers and proper show of surroundings I feel, I always, always doubt my own skill.
I'm sure she can some how use dark magic for the goodness of society if she puts her mind into it.
a really good start to a story, even if the timeline was a bit confusing..
but a multi chapter version of it, and i bit of cleaing up the timeline, and it the start to a good story
10635850
"Cadet line"?
derpicdn.net/img/2018/7/25/1789537/medium.gif
11640180
Aristocratic lineage, the main line is the 'current' holder of the title, cadet (or branch) lines are related (by marriage of non-main line lineage) that could take over if the main line dies out (IIRC) ... believe there's a separate term for non-wedded decendents ...
11640221
Ah, I see!
So with Cadence and Shining Armor taking over after Sombra's death, Shining Armor unknowingly took the throne that belonged to him by birth right.
Which means, that when Flurry Heart takes the throne, her claim is twice as legitimate. By ancient lineage, and by her parents pseudo-conquering the empire.
BTW, thanks for the explanation!
11640578
Depending on some sources, Cadence may be related to the previous lineage that Sombra deposed ...