Flexible Working Hours

Calmsoul #1 · Nov 14th, 2019 · 2 · ·

Getting the small things out of the way:

The first step outside the building was an experience she could never forget There were just so many humans and buildings out here, not to mention all of the things you simply never saw back home.

--> Missing . after "forget". Also "would" instead of "could" would be the better choice I think.

Two flights of stairs later, she stood in front of the door to her new home and fished the key out of her saddlebag with her muzzle.

--> "her" is missing

“Hello young lady. ”she nickered in turn, allowing her nose to be petted.

--> Space at the wrong place after the speech

“Miranda..” the girl replied instantly, “..And you have a really pretty mane.”

--> Either three points, or make it two seperate sentences (“Miranda.(..)” the girl replied instantly, “(...)And you have a really pretty mane.”)

“That’s fair enough.” John conceded while he sat down himself.

--> "He" is missing.

Tips are shared among the staff, and work clothing will be provided by me.”John replied as he wrote a few things down on the notebook he had brought.

--> Missing space after the speech part.

She wanted a better variety of plants than Aldi could provide, so she trotted about before she saw a nice looking store a few streets later.

--> "She" is missing. Might want to switch out "before she saw" with something like "until she found".

Some nitpicking:

Navigating the streets, it didn’t take her long to find the street she was looking for.

--> Change second "street" to "one" to avoid repetition

She asked, while looking at the unicorn bring two cups of coffee to the customers she saw earlier.

--> Not sure about the grammar here. I think it should be "bringing" (or better yet "serving"). And if I'm not mistaken it should be "had seen" instead of "saw" in this contellation. You might want to check with someone who is more fluent than me.

Thinking it over, Lily thought she would try out the waitress position first, so she had her measurements taken by Mocha and promised John that she would be back around eleven in the morning the next day.

--> Personally I would switch it to "After thinking it over, Lily decided to try out...". Mainly to avoid the repeated use of "to think" and for a better reading flow, but your version works too.

In general:
- There are several sentences that would be better split into two or three seperate ones for easier reading.
- I don't know if it is a stylistic choice, but the story/chapter could use some more insight into the emotions of the characters.
- The scene in the mall had a much better reading flow for me than the rest.

As it is slice of life, it isn't bad that it is just a setting for now instead of a real plot and a pony new to earth offers a lot of potential for different ways to tackle it. Looking forward to reading more :)

Winter Quill

Winter Quill #2 · Nov 14th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Snowliasion

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