• Member Since 16th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

TooShyShy


Fan fiction. The final frontier.


Comments ( 185 )

i like it but id like it more if i had a clue as to what the creature was or represented instead of just some random creature taking a known form

Im not joking when i say this but i am was actuall really scared from that you my friend are a good horror syory writer

7938123 It felt like a changeling, did it not?

7938150 you think so? i was getting a monster vibe with the bloody face and decaying and rotting smell and i cant be scared if theres no myth or legend to add background to said creature now if it had stayed away and they sent applebloom to a mental institute then id be scared cause i hate those with a fiery passion you know strapped to a bed raving she's fine with the rest of the family watching her go through the doors of the hospital and the doors slam shut cutting off her screams im scaring myself just typing this

7938176 No no no no no no no. That would just be creepy. I scared myself reading that. You can't get legitimately scared reading a book. You can get creeped out, but not scared. I will admit it felt like something that would be scary if this was a movie and the jump scares were perfect, though. No need for information on the background. That just makes it even less believable. It feels like a scary campfire story, no? I would be more scared of stuff like that if it was happening currently. Now that would be something creepy. Getting news reports of ponies disappearing with no sign of an attacker, supposed sightings of the beast, ponies going in, and never coming out, police investigations turning up nothing despite the one who experienced it acting more and more like it has to be there. The pony going mad with worry until everyone finally finds out and gets the scare of their lives. Stuff like that.

That right there is a damn good ghost story.

Not a huge fan of creepy stuff, but this is a good story.

Uhm, ok? Without context, I can't really feel anything other than "Wut?"

I just realized now that this story would make for a great m night shyamalan film just think about it the entire film is suspense and a few scares then one big scare right but what really makes it a m night film is the twist at the end that the monster is not dead am i right

This is a good story, definitely got goosebumps from it.

Oh jeez, that was unnerving. The execution on this was great. I was expecting the usual horror stories, more words, more information, more thoughts, but no, doing it in this form majorly upped that creep factor!

It's another horror story where the monster is or looks like Fluttershy. That's really all that can be said.

I dunno how to feel about this story. The descriptions are well written, but the events and ending lackluster. Most horror stories toe the line between allowing the reader/viewer to stew in the unknown, but there is generally at least a reason.
A family moves into a haunted house. Their grandmother made a deal with the devil sixty years ago. Its always something in the background, some sort of... reason. We don't know the end result. Why Applebloom? To eat her? To abduct her? I don't know, but it leaves you unsatisfied. The mystery is there, but there is too much and it doesn't give the reader enough to be truly afraid. Even a shadow has an outline, sorta thing, you know?
Beyond that, why Fluttershy? Why don't Applejack and Applebloom speak of it?
Finally, my last point is that the writing itself seems kinda disjointed. Very abrupt between the entries, I suppose. It feels as though its a diary format with it skipping from night to night, but the perspective is obviously just first person with timeskips. Maybe some filler between it and how it affected her day to day? Seeing Fluttershy at the market? I don't know.
Altogether, it was well written, and what we've read of the monster makes it creepy, (especially the description of the musky book smell or of sulpher) but without the context, it falls kinda flat.

7938397 gotta agree. We don't come away knowing anything more about whatever it was. Its motivations aren't even clear, given that it seemed content to just sleep in her bed the first time it got in. There's also the question of why Apple Bloom didn't even try talking to anyone, including Applejack, including after the confrontation.

But. Huge butts here. :trollestia: Congratulations on getting featured! Also, there's good tension and creep-factor. The story was effective at making me want to keep reading, and the ending was even creepier.

RB_

So, I'm gonna go on a bit about horror here, 'cause it's my favorite genre, and I see potential in this.
This was an interesting story. You've got a good base idea, and the imagery is interesting and scary in all the right ways.
What's really holding this story back (or at least, what I consider to be holding it back) is that it's very overt.
What really, really separates a great horror story from a creepy campfire tale in text form is subtlety. The hidden undercurrents of the story, the hints the author drops in the buildup, the things that you pick up on a second reading. The little details that slowly build up into a complete, or almost complete, picture of what is actually going on, beyond all the monsters and the creepy imagery. It's a hidden level of depth that the reader, even if the they can't quite piece the puzzle together, will appreciate. Horror works best when there are at least two stories going on.
You have a few elements that would be perfect for this, like the dress, Apple Bloom's half-remembered foalhood nightmares, her teddy bear. But it doesn't seem like you're utilizing them (unless I've completely missed something, which is always a possibility). There's no connecting thread between them, and they don't appear to be relevant.
As it is, it's just the monster and nothing else, and that makes the story feel a bit shallow.

7938850 First of all, thanks for the constructive criticism. I've always kind of struggled with horror as a genre in my writing, despite being a huge fan of it.

Secondly, what I was going for (although I don't think I quite pulled it off) was the implication that this creature had been stalking Apple Bloom for a while and that it had some odd, disturbing obsession with her (hence its taking of her possessions, sleeping in her bed, etc.). It took the form of someone she trusted (Fluttershy) in the hopes of luring her out to kidnap her.

In hindsight, I probably should have fleshed it out a bit more to make these things clear. I might give this a full re-write at some point in the future.

It's cold on the internet...

*looks at character tags*
For your sake... don't hurt Apple Bloom... or I'll be very upset. *cocks gun* Let's read!

Ding (My comment)
Ding (on)
Ding ("Let Her In")
...Ding (in One Chapter)
Ding (opinions)
Ding (duh)


It was four in the morning and Fluttershy was standing outside of Apple Bloom’s bedroom window. Her eyes were blank and her smile slight enough to go virtually unnoticed.

Me: I don't know whether I should be glad or disappointed that this is where we start the story. Conscience, what do you think?
Conscience: I'm gonna saaay... glad.
Me: ...Works for me. *Ding*

Fluttershy raised a hoof and tapped against the glass again. She mouthed four words, her mouth barely moving.
“It’s cold out here.”

Then why are you smiling? XD *Ding*

Apple Bloom pulled the covers over her head.

That's a little rude, Apple Bloom. But, considering the circumstances, I don't think I'd blame you. *Half Ding*

The dark red stain across the left side of Fluttershy’s face contrasted harshly with her normally bright fur.

You know what'd be hilarious? If, in the end, it turned out that the stain was ketchup. XD *Ding*

That night, Apple Bloom dreamed of toys.

She saw the wooden dolls Granny Smith had given her.

O_O ...Wooden f*cking dolls... in a horror story... oh f*ck, I have a bad feeling... *Ding*

But King Paws hadn’t been buried, had he? He had gone missing.

With this realization, Apple Bloom started to sob.

My chest is trying to hurt. *Ding*

This rush of emotion yanked her out of her dream.
Fluttershy was standing outside the window again. Clutched in her mouth was a tattered old teddy bear.

*pulls out taser and smiles sweetly* Hey there, Fluttershy. That's a cool teddy bear you got there... *Ding*

Night Four

Okay, let me ask this. Is everyone just staying inside for the past few days? And of not, why hasn't she confronted Apple Bloom yet? Has any of Fluttershy's friends even visited her lately? Was anything... off about her? *Ding*

Apple Bloom slept in Applejack’s bed that night. She made up some excuse about “nightmares”, horribly aware of how immature she sounded.

And of course Apple Bloom could not tell her the real reason she was so distraught.

Because apparently in this story, snitches get stitches. Although I prefer to say 'snitches get riches'. XD *Ding*

Apple Bloom was alone in the house. Her siblings and grandmother had left the premises, the former due to a last minute order and the latter due to some business with a distant relative. They would not be back until late the next day.

T_T Aww, sh*t. *Ding*

Prior to bed, Apple Bloom locked all the doors and windows in the house.

Smart move. *Ding*

And as one final precaution, Apple Bloom took an old garden hoe from the barn. She laid it next to her makeshift bed within hoof’s reach.

I can't take this badass image seriously, Apple Bloom is too adorable. XD *Reverse Ding*

It was raining outside.

This is starting to become cliche... *Ding*

Occasionally she was convinced she heard something else. A footstep?

HOOFSTEP!! *Di-di-ding*

Apple Bloom sat up, her heart pounding. She thought her locking down of the house had been through. But hadn’t she intentionally avoided her bedroom, trusting the window to be closed?

I think my heart is starting to pound... *Ding*

Even more noises. Banging and perhaps footsteps.

Conscience: HOOFSTEPS!! *Di-di-ding*

And Apple Bloom was now certain they were coming from her room. She clutched the blanket, quivering. What was she to do? Investigate? Flee?

Flee! Grab that garden hoe and get the f*ck outta there! O_O *Ding*

The house was silent, but Apple Bloom was not fooled.

This is sort of weird. Considering this is a horror story, Apple Bloom, a filly, made a dumbass choice to investigate the noises, but she knows better than to let the silence get her guard down. Am I overthinking this? Absolutely! *Ding*

A part of her expected the door to fly open and for some awful creature to pounce.

Just a personal question... is it wrong of you expect something like this to happen when a song ends...? *Ding*

She saw it within seconds. And once she did, Apple Bloom thanked Celestia she had not stepped into the room.
Something was in Apple Bloom’s bed.

Please, AB, just quietly creep back down the stairs and hide somewhere... don't do anything drastic... please. *Ding*

Apple Bloom eventually left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

*lets out a deep sigh of relief* Oh, thank goodness. *Reverse Ding*

Apple Bloom found that one of the dresses in her wardrobe was covered with dirt and what appeared to be a single bloody hoofprint.
Apple Bloom burned the dress in the fireplace later that day.

Me: But... Apple Bloom doesn't have dresses in her wardrobe... at least, none of hers.
Conscience: There's just a sh*tload of hair bows in there. XD *Ding*

Apple Bloom stayed up all night. She was sleepy to the point of near-madness, but she refused to tear her eyes from the window.
Fluttershy was watching her yet again.

Damn it Apple Bloom! Don't you have any blinds or drapes? Close them! *Ding*

The two sat locked in what seemed to be a staring contest until morning came. As soon as Celestia’s light poked its way through the clouds, Fluttershy turned and trotted away.

Me: ...Oh... well damn, AB. You won a staring contest that lasted the entire night? With Fluttershy? The Stare Master?
Conscience: Wow... you should challenge Mordecai from the Regular Show... *Reverse Ding*

Applejack had found the remains of the dress and demanded to know why Apple Bloom was burning her clothes. She also asked Apple Bloom about her apparent sleeping troubles and her hostility towards Fluttershy.

Goodness damn, Apple Bloom's family are really demanding in this story... *Ding*

Fluttershy pressed her hooves against the window. Her eyes seemed larger than they should have been. She appeared mournful, as if denied some great conquest.

Conscience: Ah well, at least she isn't smiling at being cold anymore! That's good, right? ^u^ *Ding*

Enough is enough, Apple Bloom thought as she lay in bed.

Fluttershy returned Apple Bloom’s stare, smiling and licking her lips.

Yeah, I agree, AB. *Ding*

In the kitchen, Apple Bloom procured an old gas lamp. She also took the sharpest kitchen knife she could find from the drawer. Far more useful than the garden hoe she’d chosen last time. But in this case the purpose was not mere defense.

Conscience: Ooh, sh*t's about to go down, now! >=D *Ding*

The creature was again lying in Apple Bloom’s bed, the outline of its form underneath the covers.

She eased herself up, carefully pulling herself onto the bed next to the creature.

And then the creature moved.

Apple Bloom dropped the knife, a squeak of terror flying out of her mouth. She pressed both hooves against her mouth, but it was far too late.

*facepalms* I-I just... I don't even... v_v *Ding*

The creature gave a long growl,

Apple Bloom screamed, leaping from the bed.
The creature leaped from the bed as well, moving in a way similar to a spider.

O_O *shudders* Yeesh! *Ding*

It still resembled Fluttershy, but its neck was bent at an unnatural angle as if broken.

Okay, but what does her face look li--

It regarded Apple Bloom with its upside-down grin, a grin extending far past what should have been possible. Its tongue hung limply from one side of its mouth like that of an excited dog. It was panting in eagerness.

*jaw drops in horror* *Ding*

Applejack rushed into the room, a gas lamp in her hoof.
“What the hay is going on?”

Conscience: Applejack to the rescue! ^u^ *Reverse Ding*

It instead had morphed into some twisted mockery of the shy pony’s face, the mouth stretched even farther, the pupils smaller than pinpricks. It was breathing heavily, a tongue at least a foot long hanging from its gaping maw.

Me: O_O Oh. My. Goodne--

Applejack tossed the gas lamp at the creature. It shattered upon impact, setting the vile thing on fire.

Me: *_* ...Oh.

After a few moments, all that remained was a charred skeleton.

Conscience: Heheh, Applejack killed it with fire... *Reverse Ding*

Eventually she was able to resume regular interaction with the real Fluttershy, although it took months before she could look her in the eye. And for a while after that, Apple Bloom would shudder every time Fluttershy smiled. The creature’s smile would haunt her for the remainder of her days.

Conscience: The poor thing... v_v *Ding*

“It’s cold down here.”

Me: Sheesh, with how many times this line is said, you might as well name the story this.
Conscience: You just want to point out roll credits. There aren't any.
Me: And for that, I commend this author. *Reverse Ding*

*Reads Author's Note*
Conscience: I swear, you guys have a real knack for finding inspirations in pictures. I admire that.
Me: *facepalms* *Ding*


Ding (Final) Ding (Count:)
Ding (25 1/2)
Ding (Sentence:) *drum roll*
...*bass drum* Eradication (by fire)

RB_

7939097 See, that's great! I agree in regards fleshing that point out; there's not quite enough there to convey it properly. Even just having the creature do something like calling out or mouthing Apple Bloom's name as it dies, possibly while trying to crawl towards her, would help immensely.

Another thing you might want to consider if you do come back to this (as several people have already discussed) is why the creature has that obsession. I don't know if you had any ideas for that already, but it could be something as simple as it watching Apple Bloom playing with her family, as an example. It sees her being happy and loved, and its primitive mind decides it wants that as well.

Regardless, you've done a good job here! Horror's quite a difficult genre in general, but if you keep at it I bet you could turn out something amazing.

RB_

7939114 Geez mate, that's a long comment. Perhaps it would be more convenient for everyone if you took that and put it into a blog post, then posted a link to the blog in the comments?

Master of suspense, mate. Been a while since I had so good a spook. 10/10. If I was going to nit-pick, though, I'd say don't give such a generic description of the monster at the big reveal. It'd be so much better if we only got vague details about what it's supposed to be, and you left the rest up to our frightened brains to insert spooks where details fail us. At least, that's my two bits.

Another idea you could try is having Applebloom turn out to be the monster all along, or at least have her going insane. It would explain a few of her stranger actions in this, and could be a fun read, but I'm not here to write your story for you.

7939183
*shrugs uncertainly* s=/
Ehhh... I've already been doing this for a while now. A couple years actually. But, you know, I think I might consider doing that with longer stories. Thanks for the suggestion though.

7939217 There's actually a group for Reading Sins. In fact, here's my Reading Sins for this story.

7939097 I wouldn't rewrite it. There should always be some uncertainty in stories like this. Even if you give the creature too much backstory and explain its motivations, you would detract from the fear. Leave it as hints. The uncertainty always makes horror more frightening, as knowing what's going on gives us a foothold whereby we can come to terms with the situation.
Just look at the horror film Night of the Demon. When it was released in America, they added a sequence at the end where you actually saw the demon, and instantly it became less scary. Even though it was a thirty foot tall monster with huge claws from which there was no escape, it wasn't scary anymore.

7939114 Your name is "Mister Original" but you're taking the idea from CinemaSins and trying to apply it to this fic? Not to mention it's really long for a comment to the point where nobody so far is appreciate it?

this is pretty good. I was skeptical about this at first (mostly because it seemed like it was going to be so overly clichéd from reading the Description of it) but you managed to make a pretty decent horror story. It's not perfect, but I still enjoyed it.

Now this is creepy! One thing I have to say though is that you should have added a little more suspense to it, otherwise it's good.

God I hate Mimics... Scary lil shits, those things.

7939465
T_T Maybe no one reading this story appreciates it, but I didn't know that. And I've had way more users here voicing their enjoyment than those who didn't like it-- on other stories. If you don't like it, then don't read it.

And I know where I got this idea from, no need to rub that in.

God damn read this at half past midnight, no sleep for me.

7939548 No-one likes you. CinemaSins can pull it off because people *go to him* for that, if you start spouting random idiocy over everything, people downvote. Keep criticism constructive or don't criticise.

7939639
XD *laughs* Wow. Okay then.

...No. Like I said, you don't like it, don't read it. T_T
And also, if you had the decency to read my last comment, I said a lot of people actually do like when I do this, FYI.

So not only have you failed MISERABLY to put me down-- or whatever the f*ck you were trying to accomplish by pissing me off, but you probably succeeded in the exact opposite. I'm not gonna give up on my "fans" because a few haters like you can't scroll down a page without complaining.

Please do not speak to me again about my review on this story, I'm done and I'm leaving. Goodbye and have a nice day, ass**le.

And for the record, I don't like myself either, but at least I've gotten over it.

7939930 Spouting off about how I haven't gotten to you proves I have.

A general rule with people who dislike you- if you reply, they win.

I'm the kind of person who has a hard time with these stories because they always have that obvious solution that would end the story too early.

:applecry: Applejack, somepony keeps sneaking up to my second floor window and is trying to coerce me into letting them in the house.
:applejackunsure: What?
:applecry: And its really creeping me out.
:applejackunsure: Is it the same pony every time? Who is it?
:applecry: If you come in my room maybe an hour after bed I can show you.

This even applies to the end of the story. They defeat the monster and tell no one about it because...why? I mean, you live down the street from a forest FULL of monsters. So nobody's going to be surprised if you tell them you were attacked by a creepy-ass monster. Maybe if the remains looked too pony-like and they were worried people might mistake them for murderers?

My solution would be for the creature to appear more randomly. If the monster is too predictable its too easily defeated. If the thing appears twice, leaves for a day, comes back, leaves for a week, then haunts you for a straight week, then it becomes harder to prove it's existence to others because you can't be sure it will appear when you need it to.

Their's also the question "Why doesn't AB just ask her friends to help her move her dresser in front of the window?" I'm sure that would raise some questions among the apple family but I'm sure they'd rather Applebloom be slightly weird and awake instead of slightly weird and half dead from exhaustion.

Another solution would be to have this monster stalk someone who lives alone and NOT within hearing distance of a mini-clydesdale and a Rodeo Champion. I'd recommend Rainbow Dash for that as she is also a pegasus and has the sort of pride that would make asking for help a lot more difficult.

7939960
Okay, so you got me... again. Whatever. T_T

But you replied to my comment first, so...

Well, anyway... ya like jazz? XD

7939965 Sometimes you gotta admit that you didn't pull off whatever it was you were trying to do. It happens man. Nobody liked your CS parody for the story; just bow out and let it be. No one wins em all. Getting into it with someone isn't gonna make anything better.

7939639 People are going to comment how they want regardless of what you think.
Mind your own business, ya stupid minge.

7938123
A monster is scarier when you don't understand it. If you did, it would take away a lot of the mystery and fear.

7940020 Okay, and there's nothing wrong with that.

See, 7939960? You need to be more like. Not at my damn throat, just a simple 'I didn't like it.'
Boom. There.

7940045
7940013
HHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! XD
Whew boy, thanks for taking the words from my mouth, both of you.
I appreciate it.

7938150 Not really. A changeling would be able to get in the house no problem. The deal with the Flutterthing was that it seemed to be unable to enter the house unassisted, which hints at something more supernatural.

7938787 I'd mention the most profitable movie of all time: "Paranormal Activity".

The creepiness would've fallen flat without some hints as to what was attacking the couple and why.

It's a perfect example of how to make a simple, but effective, supernatural horror story.

The sequels are a perfect example of running a concept into a landfill to cash in until it dies. :trollestia:

Good stuff, good pacing and setting of tone and mood. It's hard to write good horror, but this is a fine job and I hope it's something you'll consider doing again in the future. I think it is fine that we are left with some questions that won't be answered - that is part of what makes something horrifying, as it would be no fun if everything was understood and brought out into the open.

7940047 its true that its scarier when you dont understand it but without a link to give it substance like a myth or legend or some kind of background it just seems kinda random now just because i didnt find it scary doesnt mean i didnt like it though i think it had a very good premise just not scary for me the mental hospital was more scary to me than the flutterthing since in another comment some1 said it couldnt enter the house unassisted so all you gotta do is turn over and ignore it or have somepony come after hours or even tell them about it

7940137
Yeah, I was actually thinking of some Paranormal activity when I wrote the comment. In the first movie, it seemed sorta random, but we knew the demon had its goal of Katie or w/e her name was. The following movies are just what happens when you keep turning up the lights of a dark room. It becomes less horrifying as you learn more about it.
Its why I find horror to be a difficult genre to write. You have to know enough to be afraid, and you can know WHY you are afraid, but once you know everything about its reasons, what it will do etc it loses some of the fear you've built up that the reader associates it to.

I liked it. I put off reading it for a time because I thought it would be a fnaf clone. Good on you

7940385 That's true only when the horror relies on the fear of the unknown. You need a little info, but not too much.

Psychological horror, on the other hand, relies on such things as subverting expectations and dealing with grisly topics, with the central villain almost nonchalant about his horrific deeds.

Such is the case in "Silence of the Lambs". There was no mystery about anything there. But it was quite horrifying regardless. In inspires a different form of fear, deeper than the primal and superficial terror of the bumps in the night.

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