• Member Since 16th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

TooShyShy


Fan fiction. The final frontier.

T
Source

Night One

"Why is she standing out there? What does she want?"

Night Two

"There's something off about her...."

Night Three

"That's not Fluttershy..."

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 189 )

i like it but id like it more if i had a clue as to what the creature was or represented instead of just some random creature taking a known form

Im not joking when i say this but i am was actuall really scared from that you my friend are a good horror syory writer

7938123 It felt like a changeling, did it not?

7938150 you think so? i was getting a monster vibe with the bloody face and decaying and rotting smell and i cant be scared if theres no myth or legend to add background to said creature now if it had stayed away and they sent applebloom to a mental institute then id be scared cause i hate those with a fiery passion you know strapped to a bed raving she's fine with the rest of the family watching her go through the doors of the hospital and the doors slam shut cutting off her screams im scaring myself just typing this

7938176 No no no no no no no. That would just be creepy. I scared myself reading that. You can't get legitimately scared reading a book. You can get creeped out, but not scared. I will admit it felt like something that would be scary if this was a movie and the jump scares were perfect, though. No need for information on the background. That just makes it even less believable. It feels like a scary campfire story, no? I would be more scared of stuff like that if it was happening currently. Now that would be something creepy. Getting news reports of ponies disappearing with no sign of an attacker, supposed sightings of the beast, ponies going in, and never coming out, police investigations turning up nothing despite the one who experienced it acting more and more like it has to be there. The pony going mad with worry until everyone finally finds out and gets the scare of their lives. Stuff like that.

That right there is a damn good ghost story.

Not a huge fan of creepy stuff, but this is a good story.

Uhm, ok? Without context, I can't really feel anything other than "Wut?"

I just realized now that this story would make for a great m night shyamalan film just think about it the entire film is suspense and a few scares then one big scare right but what really makes it a m night film is the twist at the end that the monster is not dead am i right

This is a good story, definitely got goosebumps from it.

Oh jeez, that was unnerving. The execution on this was great. I was expecting the usual horror stories, more words, more information, more thoughts, but no, doing it in this form majorly upped that creep factor!

It's another horror story where the monster is or looks like Fluttershy. That's really all that can be said.

2 Spo0py 4 me

I dunno how to feel about this story. The descriptions are well written, but the events and ending lackluster. Most horror stories toe the line between allowing the reader/viewer to stew in the unknown, but there is generally at least a reason.
A family moves into a haunted house. Their grandmother made a deal with the devil sixty years ago. Its always something in the background, some sort of... reason. We don't know the end result. Why Applebloom? To eat her? To abduct her? I don't know, but it leaves you unsatisfied. The mystery is there, but there is too much and it doesn't give the reader enough to be truly afraid. Even a shadow has an outline, sorta thing, you know?
Beyond that, why Fluttershy? Why don't Applejack and Applebloom speak of it?
Finally, my last point is that the writing itself seems kinda disjointed. Very abrupt between the entries, I suppose. It feels as though its a diary format with it skipping from night to night, but the perspective is obviously just first person with timeskips. Maybe some filler between it and how it affected her day to day? Seeing Fluttershy at the market? I don't know.
Altogether, it was well written, and what we've read of the monster makes it creepy, (especially the description of the musky book smell or of sulpher) but without the context, it falls kinda flat.

7938397 gotta agree. We don't come away knowing anything more about whatever it was. Its motivations aren't even clear, given that it seemed content to just sleep in her bed the first time it got in. There's also the question of why Apple Bloom didn't even try talking to anyone, including Applejack, including after the confrontation.

But. Huge butts here. :trollestia: Congratulations on getting featured! Also, there's good tension and creep-factor. The story was effective at making me want to keep reading, and the ending was even creepier.

RB_

So, I'm gonna go on a bit about horror here, 'cause it's my favorite genre, and I see potential in this.
This was an interesting story. You've got a good base idea, and the imagery is interesting and scary in all the right ways.
What's really holding this story back (or at least, what I consider to be holding it back) is that it's very overt.
What really, really separates a great horror story from a creepy campfire tale in text form is subtlety. The hidden undercurrents of the story, the hints the author drops in the buildup, the things that you pick up on a second reading. The little details that slowly build up into a complete, or almost complete, picture of what is actually going on, beyond all the monsters and the creepy imagery. It's a hidden level of depth that the reader, even if the they can't quite piece the puzzle together, will appreciate. Horror works best when there are at least two stories going on.
You have a few elements that would be perfect for this, like the dress, Apple Bloom's half-remembered foalhood nightmares, her teddy bear. But it doesn't seem like you're utilizing them (unless I've completely missed something, which is always a possibility). There's no connecting thread between them, and they don't appear to be relevant.
As it is, it's just the monster and nothing else, and that makes the story feel a bit shallow.

7938850 First of all, thanks for the constructive criticism. I've always kind of struggled with horror as a genre in my writing, despite being a huge fan of it.

Secondly, what I was going for (although I don't think I quite pulled it off) was the implication that this creature had been stalking Apple Bloom for a while and that it had some odd, disturbing obsession with her (hence its taking of her possessions, sleeping in her bed, etc.). It took the form of someone she trusted (Fluttershy) in the hopes of luring her out to kidnap her.

In hindsight, I probably should have fleshed it out a bit more to make these things clear. I might give this a full re-write at some point in the future.

It's cold on the internet...

RB_

7939097 See, that's great! I agree in regards fleshing that point out; there's not quite enough there to convey it properly. Even just having the creature do something like calling out or mouthing Apple Bloom's name as it dies, possibly while trying to crawl towards her, would help immensely.

Another thing you might want to consider if you do come back to this (as several people have already discussed) is why the creature has that obsession. I don't know if you had any ideas for that already, but it could be something as simple as it watching Apple Bloom playing with her family, as an example. It sees her being happy and loved, and its primitive mind decides it wants that as well.

Regardless, you've done a good job here! Horror's quite a difficult genre in general, but if you keep at it I bet you could turn out something amazing.

RB_

7939114 Geez mate, that's a long comment. Perhaps it would be more convenient for everyone if you took that and put it into a blog post, then posted a link to the blog in the comments?

Master of suspense, mate. Been a while since I had so good a spook. 10/10. If I was going to nit-pick, though, I'd say don't give such a generic description of the monster at the big reveal. It'd be so much better if we only got vague details about what it's supposed to be, and you left the rest up to our frightened brains to insert spooks where details fail us. At least, that's my two bits.

Another idea you could try is having Applebloom turn out to be the monster all along, or at least have her going insane. It would explain a few of her stranger actions in this, and could be a fun read, but I'm not here to write your story for you.

7939217 There's actually a group for Reading Sins. In fact, here's my Reading Sins for this story.

7939097 I wouldn't rewrite it. There should always be some uncertainty in stories like this. Even if you give the creature too much backstory and explain its motivations, you would detract from the fear. Leave it as hints. The uncertainty always makes horror more frightening, as knowing what's going on gives us a foothold whereby we can come to terms with the situation.
Just look at the horror film Night of the Demon. When it was released in America, they added a sequence at the end where you actually saw the demon, and instantly it became less scary. Even though it was a thirty foot tall monster with huge claws from which there was no escape, it wasn't scary anymore.

7939114 Your name is "Mister Original" but you're taking the idea from CinemaSins and trying to apply it to this fic? Not to mention it's really long for a comment to the point where nobody so far is appreciate it?

this is pretty good. I was skeptical about this at first (mostly because it seemed like it was going to be so overly clich├ęd from reading the Description of it) but you managed to make a pretty decent horror story. It's not perfect, but I still enjoyed it.

Now this is creepy! One thing I have to say though is that you should have added a little more suspense to it, otherwise it's good.

God I hate Mimics... Scary lil shits, those things.

God damn read this at half past midnight, no sleep for me.

7939548 No-one likes you. CinemaSins can pull it off because people *go to him* for that, if you start spouting random idiocy over everything, people downvote. Keep criticism constructive or don't criticise.

7939930 Spouting off about how I haven't gotten to you proves I have.

A general rule with people who dislike you- if you reply, they win.

I'm the kind of person who has a hard time with these stories because they always have that obvious solution that would end the story too early.

:applecry: Applejack, somepony keeps sneaking up to my second floor window and is trying to coerce me into letting them in the house.
:applejackunsure: What?
:applecry: And its really creeping me out.
:applejackunsure: Is it the same pony every time? Who is it?
:applecry: If you come in my room maybe an hour after bed I can show you.

This even applies to the end of the story. They defeat the monster and tell no one about it because...why? I mean, you live down the street from a forest FULL of monsters. So nobody's going to be surprised if you tell them you were attacked by a creepy-ass monster. Maybe if the remains looked too pony-like and they were worried people might mistake them for murderers?

My solution would be for the creature to appear more randomly. If the monster is too predictable its too easily defeated. If the thing appears twice, leaves for a day, comes back, leaves for a week, then haunts you for a straight week, then it becomes harder to prove it's existence to others because you can't be sure it will appear when you need it to.

Their's also the question "Why doesn't AB just ask her friends to help her move her dresser in front of the window?" I'm sure that would raise some questions among the apple family but I'm sure they'd rather Applebloom be slightly weird and awake instead of slightly weird and half dead from exhaustion.

Another solution would be to have this monster stalk someone who lives alone and NOT within hearing distance of a mini-clydesdale and a Rodeo Champion. I'd recommend Rainbow Dash for that as she is also a pegasus and has the sort of pride that would make asking for help a lot more difficult.

7939965 Sometimes you gotta admit that you didn't pull off whatever it was you were trying to do. It happens man. Nobody liked your CS parody for the story; just bow out and let it be. No one wins em all. Getting into it with someone isn't gonna make anything better.

7939639 People are going to comment how they want regardless of what you think.
Mind your own business, ya stupid minge.

7938123
A monster is scarier when you don't understand it. If you did, it would take away a lot of the mystery and fear.

7938150 Not really. A changeling would be able to get in the house no problem. The deal with the Flutterthing was that it seemed to be unable to enter the house unassisted, which hints at something more supernatural.

7938787 I'd mention the most profitable movie of all time: "Paranormal Activity".

The creepiness would've fallen flat without some hints as to what was attacking the couple and why.

It's a perfect example of how to make a simple, but effective, supernatural horror story.

The sequels are a perfect example of running a concept into a landfill to cash in until it dies. :trollestia:

Good stuff, good pacing and setting of tone and mood. It's hard to write good horror, but this is a fine job and I hope it's something you'll consider doing again in the future. I think it is fine that we are left with some questions that won't be answered - that is part of what makes something horrifying, as it would be no fun if everything was understood and brought out into the open.

7940047 its true that its scarier when you dont understand it but without a link to give it substance like a myth or legend or some kind of background it just seems kinda random now just because i didnt find it scary doesnt mean i didnt like it though i think it had a very good premise just not scary for me the mental hospital was more scary to me than the flutterthing since in another comment some1 said it couldnt enter the house unassisted so all you gotta do is turn over and ignore it or have somepony come after hours or even tell them about it

7940137
Yeah, I was actually thinking of some Paranormal activity when I wrote the comment. In the first movie, it seemed sorta random, but we knew the demon had its goal of Katie or w/e her name was. The following movies are just what happens when you keep turning up the lights of a dark room. It becomes less horrifying as you learn more about it.
Its why I find horror to be a difficult genre to write. You have to know enough to be afraid, and you can know WHY you are afraid, but once you know everything about its reasons, what it will do etc it loses some of the fear you've built up that the reader associates it to.

I liked it. I put off reading it for a time because I thought it would be a fnaf clone. Good on you

7940385 That's true only when the horror relies on the fear of the unknown. You need a little info, but not too much.

Psychological horror, on the other hand, relies on such things as subverting expectations and dealing with grisly topics, with the central villain almost nonchalant about his horrific deeds.

Such is the case in "Silence of the Lambs". There was no mystery about anything there. But it was quite horrifying regardless. In inspires a different form of fear, deeper than the primal and superficial terror of the bumps in the night.

I'm sorry if I wasn't paying good enough attention, however was there any indication that the creature was actually hostile? I mean, whatever that thing was that was impersonating Fluttershy was clearly creepy and all, sure. But did it attack her or harm her?

For all we know it was Discord pulling a prank.

7940535

I feel as if it wouldn't be Discord, as he usually announces his attention because he revels in the recognition. And his acts are primarily of a lighter disposition; this seems to be morbid for a creature like him. And I feel as if not enough time progressed to discern its true intentions.

7938237

You should read A FLEet|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS. You should also go to formatting and set it to Dark.

I've seen this idea done to death on Creepypasta. Maybe I am a bit biased towards my opinion since many folk here on this site probably don't read creepypasta fics often, but this was really dull and average. It follows suit with a common formula, the monster is as dumb as a door nail, and logic seems to escape Applejack's and AppleBloom's characters. I am more shocked at their incompetency of notifying anybody of this creature than the creature's description to be honest. And I hate that. No, I loathe that about horror stories. The "protagonists" have to pull the illogical actions to further the story, such as Applebloom letting her "curiosity" get the better of her. It's just...so commonly used in the horror genre that it's become distasteful.

In simple terms, it's not bad necessarily. but not original in the slightest.

7939548 Please, for the sake of mobile users, don't comment on a story ever again.





lol

Amazing story. I loved the writing and the tension! Keep up the good work!

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