Everything wrong with: Let Her In
By TooShyShy
Sins by BronyWriter
Spoilers
(duh)

Right off the bat I'm going to take a sin off for how creepy the cover art is. -ding -1

It was four in the morning and Fluttershy was standing outside of Apple Bloom’s bedroom window. Her eyes were blank and her smile slight enough to go virtually unnoticed. As Apple Bloom turned her head toward the window, Fluttershy raised a hoof and tapped against the glass again.

We know from the show that Apple Bloom's bedroom is on the second floor, so Fluttershy couldn't be standing just outside it. She'd have to be hovering. ding 0

She mouthed four words, her mouth barely moving.

“It’s cold out here.”

Creepy for sure, but if her mouth is barely moving, how can Apple Bloom see what Fluttershy is mouthing? "It's cold out here" is something you can actually say without moving your lips at all. ding 1

A part of her wanted to open the window and let Fluttershy in. Yet there was that whisper at the back of her young mind. “No,” some part of Apple Bloom’s brain said. “Do not open the window.”

So there's a small part of Apple Bloom's brain saying to let her in? Why? And why is only a part of Apple Bloom's brain saying no? Why wouldn't her whole brain be screaming at her to get out of there? ding 2

But King Paws hadn’t been buried, had he? He had gone missing. He had vanished from her life one spring night. And Apple Bloom had never been quite the same since.

Wait, really? How? How was she not the same? Was she sadder than normal or something? ding 3

Fluttershy was standing outside the window again. Clutched in her mouth was a tattered old teddy bear.

Yeah, that's creepy. It's also a reminder of what this story could have been if it was fleshed out a little bit more. It has small bursts of creepiness instead of being like this throughout. I'd love to take a sin off for the creepy image, but I can't. ding 4

But her big sister was more than willing to switch bedrooms for the night. And of course Apple Bloom could not tell her the real reason she was so distraught.

Starting not one but two sentences with conjunctions. In fact, this happens a few times in the story. ding 6

Applejack complained of a headache the next morning, but otherwise was none the worse for wear.

So is Apple Bloom's room haunted? Since we see later that Applejack can see this thing, why couldn't she see it here? If it was there and tapping, Applejack should have woken up and seen it. If it's just haunting Apple Bloom, why can't it just move to Applejack's window? ding 7

More noises. They sounded as if they were coming from her bedroom. But that was impossible. The window was closed.

But was it closed?

I'm not sure why this is italicized. Is someone thinking it, or is it the narration? If it's the latter then it shouldn't be italicized because italics are used in this context for emphasis, which doesn't fit in narration. Or at least, not in this style. ding 8

But hadn’t she intentionally avoided her bedroom, trusting the window to be closed? Yet anypony in her family could have opened it prior to their leaving.

Why, though? Why would Applejack or whoever go into Apple Bloom's room specifically to open the window before they left, leaving Apple Bloom all alone? ding 9

Even more noises. Banging and perhaps footsteps.

Ponies have hooves. ding 10

Apple Bloom took the garden hoe in her mouth before she headed up the stairs.

Unless Apple Bloom grabbed a small garden hoe, she's not going to be using that with any effectiveness. ding 11

But having a weapon of sorts made Apple Bloom feel brave. Brave enough to gently push the door open without hesitation.

She has a garden hoe, and she thinks something is in her room when the window is open and something scary has been tapping on her window begging to be let in. I don't care if she has a bazooka. She's not opening the door with no hesitation. ding 12

Other than a few dry leaves and the lingering smell of decay, there was no indication of anything having slept in her bed. However, Apple Bloom found that one of the dresses in her wardrobe was covered with dirt and what appeared to be a single bloody hoofprint.

I think the smell of decay plus the dirty and bloody dress is pretty definitive proof that something was in Apple Bloom's room that should not have been. If she tells Applejack right now then I think she's going to try to do something about it. So why doesn't she tell Applejack? ding 13

Apple Bloom burned the dress in the fireplace later that day.

And no one in her family noticed that? The story said that it's spring right now, and a warm time at that. No one in her family noticed Apple Bloom light a fire and burn a dress? Let's say they're all working. They'd still see smoke coming from the chimney, right? ding 14

As soon as Celestia’s light

Celestia's sun cliche ding 15

She also asked Apple Bloom about her apparent sleeping troubles and her hostility towards Fluttershy.

Hostility to Fluttershy? When did she do that? And why is it never mentioned again? ding 16

Apple Bloom confessed nothing.

Why, though? You had all of the proof you needed! ding 17

But Applejack had not sent her away.

It would be better to say Applejack did not send her away. ding 18

Apple Bloom could only stare for so long before she turned away.

Fluttershy mouthed those familiar words again.

“It’s cold out here,” she mouthed.

So wait, Apple Bloom turned away, but she still knew Fluttershy mouthed "it's cold out here"? How often does Fluttershy mouth that anyway? ding 19

It might have seemed like a brave proclamation, but in truth Apple Bloom was terrified.

Show don't tell. A common problem in this story. ding 21

It regarded Apple Bloom with its upside-down grin, a grin extending far past what should have been possible. Its tongue hung limply from one side of its mouth like that of an excited dog. It was panting in eagerness.

Why doesn't it just attack her now? ding 22

“What the hay is going on?” Applejack said breathlessly.

But Apple Bloom could only whimper, pointing a hoof at the creature that now stood in silent triumph near the window.

Applejack’s eyes widened with bemusement and horror.

“What in tarnation?” Applejack gasped.

Applejack doesn't notice the hellspawn the second she enters the room. The hellspawn that, might I add, is still not attacking. What is it waiting for, an Applejack ex Machina? I'll be it's an Applejack ex Machina. ding 23

It was breathing heavily, a tongue at least a foot long hanging from its gaping maw.

The creature reveals its true form as a Lickitung. ding 24

Applejack tossed the gas lamp at the creature. It shattered upon impact, setting the vile thing on fire.

Nothing else catches on fire when she does this. The only thing that's burned at all is the creature. ding 25

The last to surrender to the inferno was the light pink mane.

Hair would be the thing that burned first, actually. ding 26

After a few moments, all that remained was a charred skeleton.

Moments? Dang, that's some obscenely hot fire, then. ding 27

Apple Bloom and Applejack did not speak to each other. Neither spoke a word of the incident, even after Applejack had buried the body in a secluded part of the farm. In fact, they both took the secret to their graves.

Why not? And how is that possible? The creature screeching and moaning didn't wake up Big Mac or Granny Smith? And why wouldn't they tell anybody that a demon or something had attacked them? ding 28

Also, what did this creature want? Apple Bloom? If so, why didn't it grab her when it came in the house? She was alone. Nothing was going to stop it. Also, why did it just rely on Apple Bloom eventually letting her in? It should have known after night two that she wasn't going to. I get that it looked like Fluttershy to appear as someone she trusted, but that's kind of undercut by the blood on her face. I get leaving a fair amount up to interpretation, but this goes a bit beyond that. A few more concrete answers would have served the story well. Instead all we get is a creature that, while creepy, just taps on her window and says "it's cold out here" which doesn't get any results, and who somehow takes Apple Bloom's stuff. Why can't the creature just come in the house herself? And why only through that window? It wants Apple Bloom. Fine. So why doesn't it do more things to get her than nothing and tapping on her window and saying it's cold out? ding 29

Occasionally, on nights when it is particularly cold and the wind is close to howling, Apple Bloom will swear she hears a tapping at her window. But she never gets up to check. She merely snuggles deeper under her covers, willing herself to enter dreamland quicker.

But it is a little harder to ignore the voice. It whispers to her, seemingly inches away from her ear. It sounds very much like Fluttershy.

The story randomly changes tenses. ding 30

Final sin tally: 30

Sentence...

...

...

Tapping on your window. (It's cold out here.)