• Published 31st May 2016
  • 22,952 Views, 352 Comments

Do Humans Hibernate? - Pen Mightier

“Do Humans Hibernate?” Rainbow has a question on her mind. She's not entirely sure why it's bothering her so much. It probably doesn't help that the only human she could ask is the world's greatest liar. [COMPLETE STORY]

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A Not So Silent Night

Her ears slowly perked up. The world was quiet, save the gentle crackling of the fire. Her bed was so soft, so comfy, it felt like she could simply lose herself in it for days. Its warmth curled around her form perfectly, cradling her like a foal. It even rocked

Wait. Her bed stopped rocking the day she crash-landed her foal crib. Her bed has no business rocking. What the buck is going on…?

“♫~And I’ll fly and I’ll fly, to the ends of the sky, hmmm hmmmm hmmm~♪” She heard someone’s singing trail away into a cheerful hum. Her heart leapt at the voice. She recognized it! She quickly blinked the fuzziness out of her eyes, eager to see him. She was greeted by the sight of Marshal, humming through the breakfast muffin in his mouth, one hand occupied with what looked like the Hearthswarming wish list for every foal in Ponyville, the other curled around her and knotted to her own forehoof. She quickly realized where she was - on her back, cradled in his lap with her hoofsies in the air.

She was filled with far too much relief to have any room for silly things like embarrassment. ‘It was just a dream. Thank Celestia he’s alright.’ Rainbow gave a soft little sigh. She resisted the temptation to tackle-glomp the poprocks out of him, contenting herself with simply marvelling at how well and alive he was.

Huh, what’s this…?’ Rainbow frowned, silently reaching up behind her ear for something sticking in her mane. To her surprise it was a pack of familiar purple flashcards bound on a string. ‘Could this...could this be the same ones Twilight lost? Was she...really in my dream?’ She thought, taking a peek at one.

She almost lost her horseapples at the first one – a well-referenced encyclopedic collection of very inappropriate Hearthswarming pickup lines. She definitely lost her horseapples at the second one – a perfectly choreographed script of dirty talk with timings on the appropriate stage of intercourse they should be used. She was completely out of horseapples at the third – it was a carefully annotated diagram of a pony and a human joined together in a worryingly intimate act, complete with step-by-step instructions.

Only one pony alive could have taken such a calculated systematic approach to dirty kinky hanky panky sex. ‘What the buck, Twilight?! How were these supposed to help us face certain doom?!’

“Hmm?” Marshal must have heard her lose all her horseapples. Rainbow felt the whole world slow down as his eyes began their journey downwards towards her and her little pile of catastrophe. She threw caution to the wind and went back to her original plan – She tackle-glomped the poprocks out of him, running him over like the world’s most adorable bulldozer.

“Wh-whoah, Rainbow!” Marshal cried as she sent both of them flying backwards. There was a loud crash as they landed in an explosion of of half-wrapped Hearthswarming presents, wrapping paper and ribbons. “Avalanche!” Marshal warned, grabbing Rainbow and rolling out of the way as a massive sackful of presents upturned itself, flash-flooding them with enough gifts to put Santa Hooves out of a job for good.

As the streamers and ribbons finally settled like rubble and debris in the wake of a stampede of clowns, Marshal found himself lying atop the half-empty sack with a little pony clinging onto his chest. “Uh, Rainbow? You’re awake now. The wet dream’s over.” He finally broke the silence with a chuckle. “I know. I checked.”

Rainbow peered meekly at him over the tips of her hoofsies. “Uh, sorry, there was a, um, twittermite on your chest.”

“Oh,” he sniggered, “That wasn’t a twittermite. It was just a Martian, one of the many tiny citizens that inhabit the giant mobile colony of Marshaltopia. That’s me, by the way. The Martians have recently converted to a new religion, swearing to worship the glorious Thunderbutt, honouring her feast by sharing in the sacred drink of poprocks and holy bread the shape of hearts, praying that one day they may rise to taste the paradise that is her bountifully lush seat. I guess one of them just got a little over-excited at seeing their goddess.”

“Pfft.” Rainbow managed to stifle her giggles for but a second before she broke out in earnest laughter. “Bwahahahah! L-lemme guess, their holy book’s written in pink crayon?”

“Let’s just say it’s got a divine plot.” Marshal sniggered.

“And they worship her by doing their ‘for-pony’ dance?” Rainbow giggled.

“Twenty four times a day, seven days a week!” Marshal barely managed to throw in before the two were reduced to laughing, cackling wrecks. It took a while for them to run out of giggles and chuckles. But the happy silence and blushing smiles that followed seemed to have an endless supply.

“Hay, Mars?” Rainbow finally spoke up, her voice soft yet filled with glowing conviction.

“What is it, Rainbow?” Marshal smiled in reply, his one free hand idly stroking her mane.

“What would the Martians think if Thunderbutt tells them she wants to become part of Marshaltopia?” Rainbow asked, her smile radiating hope.

Marshal’s eyes widened. “R-Rainbow…” He gasped, “T-that...that would be heaven on earth!” He cried in joy.

Rainbow felt herself fill with a calm, fervent certainty. In all her years of brash attitude and assertive energy, she had never felt more confident and sure than she was at that very moment in time. “I wanna do it, Mars.” Rainbow said with absolute vehemence. “I wanna be your home, forever and ever!” Her bright rose-coloured eyes gazed deeply into his own, willing him to feel her one wish, her dream, her one passion for the rest of her life.

“R-Rainbow, I…” Mars gazed back at her through glistening tears. “I want to be the one to cross the finish line with you, forever and ever.” He closed his eyes as he leaned in, touching his forehead against hers. “I-In all my life, I never would have dreamed...I’d find home again.” He smiled softly as he opened his eyes, gazing into hers. In them she saw herself, perfect, complete, whole. “I’m home, Rainbow.”

“Welcome home, Mars.” Rainbow half-chuckled, half-whispered through her own tears. “Stay a while, please?” She pleaded, softly.

“Forever, Rainbow.” Mars answered her by gently caressing her cheek, slowly drawing her into him. She met him halfway. Their lips met softly, tenderly.

Rainbow slowly drew him in deeper in her embrace..

Marshal responded by gently pulling Rainbow into him.

Rainbow retaliated with a more passionate tug.

Marshal struck back with a fierce unrelenting tenacity.

At some point their tender moment graduated into a full-out kiss-of-war, each side unrelenting in their declaration of love, until finally the very air gave up and left them, forcing them into an overdue tie. The two collapsed panting on top of one another, their goofy grins mirroring one another, their rosy glows lighting up the room.

“Oh man,” Marshal finally punctuated his panting with a chuckle, “I’ve been planning forever to ask you out to dinner tomorrow after we sort out the presents and the sleigh. I really suck at asking girls out, huh?”

“Well, yeah. I beat’cha to it.” Rainbow grinned smugly. “But I’ll let you do the first date. Consolation prize and all that.” She giggled.

“Gee, how generous.” Marshal rolled his eyes. He gave a soft, contented sigh as he ran his fingers through her silky mane. “Y'know, this is the most awesome thing that's ever happened to me, and this is coming from the guy who uncovered the Crystal Empire by making the world's biggest strawberry snow cone. So I'm totally not complaining when I say this was kinda sudden, Rainbow." He gave her a curious little smile, "So I'm guessing you're out of your funk, huh? Just had to sleep on it?”

“Oh.” For some reason the question didn’t bother Rainbow anymore, let alone admitting to it. “I was just kinda wondering, do humans hibernate?” She said with a knowing smile.

Marshal’s eyes widened as he silently put two and two together. The alarm clocks, the breakfasts, her little upset earlier, suddenly it all made sense to the human. “Rainbow, you could’ve just asked, you know.” His own words gave him pause for a second as he seemed to contemplate his very worth as a person. “Actually, I can see how asking me anything can be a bad idea.” He conceded with a sheepish grin. "Uh, sorry, my bad."

“It’s okay, I already know the answer.” Rainbow smiled.

“You do?” Marshal raised an eyebrow.

“Yep, you don’t hibernate.” Rainbow’s smile slowly turned into an impish grin. “Because I’m never letting you get any sleep.”

Marshal’s puzzled look slowly mirrored Rainbow’s own grin. “Heh, you realize tonight is Hearthswarming Eve, right? It’s the longest night of the year.”

“Well, you can tell Hearthswarming to move over. I’m gonna steal its mantle and wipe the floor with it.” Rainbow's cocky grin only widened. “I’ll be your longest night ever.” Rainbow said, silently thanking a certain purple unicorn for her flashcards. She sighed as she put on a gentle smile. "Hay, Merry Hearthswarming, Mars."

Marshal smiled back. "Merry Hearthswarming, Rainbow Dash."

Comments ( 73 )

want sequel with that other mare showing up!


how did this go from funny, to sad, to epic, to tearfuly happy, to boner inducing hot?

Short chapter, but it ended it good. Great job.

Yup, still cheesy as all get out. But I love it! Take my favorite, and my like!

Nice and short, i suppose, i just feel that ending a tad bit rushed, a couple more chapters developing their interests would have been ideal. Nonetheless i had fun, nice read, GJ. :ajsmug:

Lupus #7 · Jun 7th, 2016 · · ·

“I’m home, Rainbow.”
“Welcome home, Mars.” Rainbow half-chuckled, half-whispered through her own tears. “Stay a while, please?” She pleaded, softly.

And now we patiently wait for the sequel where Lightning Dust attempts to woo them both, or the sequel where Chrysalis Crystal Heart shows up on his doorstep.

Me getting through all these feels.

Good story but damn I was kinda expecting a clop chapter

No pen come on don't end it there everyone chant with me sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

7282319 im kinda glad it didn't really, sometimes the best is to tease than to show.

7281951 you mean Chryssalis?

That "The End" image is pretty hard to see on dark backgrounds... but I like it

I love this story so much it's sad to see it end but it was one heck of a ride and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

7281951 You mean chrysalis?

wow what a nice story. i admit i thought it was alright from the beginning until it hit the chapter with marshal's story. However i did like the fresh take on the constant tall tales of marshal. A little disappointing to see no clop since i thought it would have based on the sex tag but at the same time not so much. only a little sad on seeing twilight giving up and also on the whole "immortal" thing.

Only criticism i have is something readers stated very early that rainbow was too dense throughout over half the story but it was alright. I though it gave the story a special charm with how gullible she was. Hopefully a sequel to see some more sugary affection because i didn't get my fill :D

Thanks for the great story!

That was a spicy meme.

Another, please.

Humour. Lots of it. And so much fluff!
So much fluff I'm gonna die!

But seriously, that was quite adorable. A sweet ending to a good, amusing story. Thank you :twilightsmile:

this is now on my required reading when introducing new bronies to fimfiction.

sorry the other dude bailed on you. there's bound to be a few here who'd offer their services to you. kinda weird how you threw in twilight in there as a romantic interest, but those flash cards were a great running joke. you could have mars reference one of the those cards, as we don't know when they materialized from the dreamscape.

Gotta love Rainbow Dash.
This is probably one my favorite HiE fics released in the last few months. Outstanding work.

An absolutly glorious read.

Awesome fic

7264885 Joke's on you, bro! Look upon my shiny green COMPLETE tag ye unbelievers, and be ye flabbergasted!

A truley sweet ending, i really liked it.

holy shit. i didnt check this story for a day and 2 chapters came out. i didnt have time to read them. as time went by, more and more chapters came out. and now its complete! that was so fast tho. gonna have to finish the story now

Loving this story. Please make 1 million words by tomorrow, pls.

Entertaining and adorable. A bit off-putting, because both characters are such absolute nutcases that I can't relate to them or their relationship at all. But, they seem happy together. And I like happy. So, :twilightsmile:

It's honestly genuinely nice to see a HiE character who is hilariously silly to nearly Pinkie levels in a way the canon characters can relate to, instead of the all-too-common meme-spouting I'm-only-funny-to-me maladjusted Anon type. Mars is a breath of fresh air, and cheerfully carries the gallivanting, gamboling narrative along.

its been a long time since ive read something that made me cry this story is amazing and i think that this deserves ten times the likes it has Xenophillia is so overrated this story is amazing you should feel proud of yourself for writing this its probably... no it is the best story I have
ever read even though its just a fanfiction... just calling this a fanfic seems wrong because there are soooooo many stupid or messed up fanfics that are basically porn that have soiled the name of fanfiction when people think of fanfics they think of the stupid and messed up ones but this deserves more and the title of fanfic doesnt do it justice I must say this is truly amazing and you Pen Mightier deserve a medal for this and thank you for writing this and your amazing for writing this and if you can write something this good I believe you sir have a bright future ahead of you

I didn't have time to comment before but I found this horribly sweet. Twilight's plan to help two souls help each other out was rather sweet. Also, you included my fav pegasus and Dash in a heartwarming re-friending, that alone deserves praise with how natural that all came out. I'd buy it.

Funny, even with his backstory it's hard to tell if he was 100% serious or embelishing some of it. I chose to believe he certainly did go through some rough times, that's for sure.

Thanks for finishing this one. Any recommendations on any completed stories like this? I've been trying to increase my Human tag story count but so very many abandoned fic atop a mountain of... stuff I'd rather avoid reading lest my eyes eject out of my eye sockets at speeds untold from all the eye-rolling many of those tend to cause. I'm sure you're familiar with those... or not. Anything fun like this or adventury be good.

I actually downloaded this so I could read while out of service area today... I am glad I double checked the posted version otherwise I may have missed that absolutely adorable scene break pic.:rainbowkiss:

Really loved the story and you may have my thumb/star thingies.

I also noticed that that ending, while wrapping up nicely, left possible potential for further sequels... Or that could just be wishful thinking. :twilightblush:

I needed a good dose of happy, gj.

Well, that was sugary and cheesy as all hell.

This was awesome :p

So awesome, best story of the year(unfinished stories don't count.) :rainbowkiss:

P.S. Bucking Twilight and her kinky kinky mind. :facehoof:

7288933 jesus, breath will you? Punctuation is your friend... :derpytongue2:

I'm crying...
That was beautifully romantic
So cute
*cries tears of happiness*

Congrats on finishing a story, Pen! :) This was cheesy and silly, and lots of fun. Good work!

7318740 I was seriously wondering if you'd ever find that. :rainbowlaugh:

I'm waiting for the others to pick up on their references, though admittedly Brad's one is very oblique.

...And the banged happily ever after.

Seriously though. Great little tale.

Mad adorbs.

So, if no body was ever found, did Obviously-Chrysalis-in-Disguise survive?

This is an amazing story. Great job my friend


No regrets. You cannot stop me. :pinkiecrazy:


Dammit man, I'm glad for Rainbow but poor Chrsy :pinkiesad2: and Twi...:raritycry: Especially Chrysalis, she got the ultimate tragic backstory, found someone to love and then sacrificed herself to save him and others. That's a goddamn tragedy if I've ever heard of one.

A HiE story that does not take itself too serious! I like it.
Thanks for writing.


Lovely end.

7554807 Awww, thanks. I could say the same about yours too.


This is sickeningly adorable. Instant favorite.

So cheesy, I came back for seconds.

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