• Member Since 12th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 10 minutes ago

Eighth


A.K.A.: 8th-Sin "Unrelenting, both in texture and in fortitude."

E

A human has arrived in Ponyville that the Apples dubbed, "Anonymous."
Twilight is worried he might be dangerous. They know nothing about him after all. However, the Apples still treat him like a common pet, until he begins mimicking speech.

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 382 )

I'm enjoying this so far, keep it up :pinkiehappy:

This is quite neat. Usually stories like this with a human learning the equestrian language have some kind of ulterior motive or make the language bits more of a side-part of the story but it actually seems to be about learning the language and cultures more than anything else. This is done very well in that he makes mistakes more often than not instead of understanding everything right off the bat.

Aburi #3 · Mar 26th, 2016 · · 56 · Chapter 6 ·

You are Twilight

No, I'm not. I'm Aburi.

From the very beginning, this story is trying to kill any suspension of disbelief that I may have. Which is a shame, because I really like the story itself. Sure, it's clumsy in places and has significant show vs tell issues, but those are the kind of things you expect to see in a new author.

But for the love of the written word, why are you writing this as second person Twilight Sparkle? The only reason to use second person is for what is know as an "audience insert", where the character in the story is the actual reader. In the best of times this is a difficult thing to do. But to say that the reader is a named character, let alone one with a previously developed personality, is the exact opposite of the use of that style of writing.

Whenever you speak to the reader, saying that "you" do something; the reader progects their self image into the story. Since the reader is NOT Twilight Sparkle, that image is inherently incorrect, and the reader must the mentally rewrite the scene in their head for it to make sense.

So, bottom line: great story. Shame it's ruined by the choice of writing style.

Nice story

Ehhhh. The dialogue's pretty dry. You also need to space the paragraphs and sections.

This has has gotten my interest, Please continue

7064761

From the very beginning, this story is trying to kill any suspension of disbelief that I may have.

No. It seems you cannot handle that a second person perspective was used right for once... Something that seems different to your writing style. Which would be an opinion/preference.

The only reason to use second person is for what is know as an "audience insert", where the character in the story is the actual reader. In the best of times this is a difficult thing to do.

While I normally would hate to I have to vehemently disagree. This is not a story type that is seen that often anymore. At least not done correctly that is. This story feels like a light cosmic horror/mystery. Anon is being treated with trepidation and as an unknown. While I suspect that will change dramatically I am not sure if he will be good or bad.

I would also imagine the story was written like this so the story is not bogged down with extra details that we would eventually find annoying given the nature of the story (I.E. All of the minutiae of learning a whole new language/culture and all of the time the character would have to put in to the experiences.). This story is supposing that Anon is possibly dangerous/aloof personally, completely ignorant of the language/culture, friendly but hiding a dark secret. The fact that as time rolls on in the story that more and more is relayed about Anon with minimal input from his perspective... that lends you to come to your own conclusion. Whether that is right or wrong doesn't really matter. What should is whether the story is compelling enough to read.

Or as you said in the prior message:

Whenever you speak to the reader, saying that "you" do something; the reader progects their self image into the story. Since the reader is NOT Twilight Sparkle, that image is inherently incorrect, and the reader must the mentally rewrite the scene in their head for it to make sense.

Since the main thing that I think would keep us linked to this story is 'what will happen?' I have to say the second narrative actually is a good choice for once. Also no... it is not a huge hardship in a story with so few details and little shoehorned in changes of perspective to make it especially difficult. Honestly if this was a novel I would complete agree with you but it is not.

I have not been in one of these on line spats in sometime but honestly this is one of the few times that a second person perspective has been used successfully in my memory. Do not disparage it or what it is but how it is used. If you truly need it to be spelled out for you then make your own version of the story. I know you have posted a few yourself. One of which was quite nice.

But both of us getting snobby on the comment board will not "fix" the story. I actually disagree that anything needs to actually be fixed in this particular case. That is despite the fact I would normally agree with how second person perspective is normally written (Usually too busy/confusing or too woodenly... Just ick.).

The only real reason I respond is because I am being honest about my feelings on the matter and this author is in my opinion doing an ok job so far. It actually does remind me of a large number of great classic short stories that I have read in the past. I am not above disparaging someone that deserves it but in this case I just don't see it. Variety is part of the spice of life so lets see if they persevere huh?

I like it, just wish the chapters were a bit longer

7064761

But for the love of the written word, why are you writing this as second person Twilight Sparkle? The only reason to use second person is for what is know as an "audience insert", where the character in the story is the actual reader. In the best of times this is a difficult thing to do. But to say that the reader is a named character, let alone one with a previously developed personality, is the exact opposite of the use of that style of writing.

This is blatantly false. Homestuck, an extremely popular written/draw work, uses 2nd person exclusively combined with text based RPG style commands. The reader is not a character in the story but rather follows different actual characters with deep personalities. The following is an excerpt from Homestuck's fourth page:

Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

Later:
You trace your magic back to where you dug out the dirt, and quietly teleport the book to your study. With your pusle quickening, you open the book to a random page:
pbs.twimg.com/media/B_Rj95EUwAAPP6o.jpg

It's hard to show you don't mean any hard,

You mean harm?

"Psh, Anon has to be pretty clever to be getting the hang of it this fast. He'll be better at it than me in no time."
"I," you correct while still in teacher-mode, "but I still think--"

Perhaps I have no clue what I'm talking about here, though that would make me a pretty bad editor, but I'm fairly certain that, if the word "I" was used in place of the word "me" (by the way, I think you were right that it shouldn't use the word "me" there), it would have to be directly followed by the word am, or it would, at the very least, not sound good.

7065973
Yeah, you're right. I just fixed that.

Don't drink and write kids. Or do.

7065656
While we may disagree on some things, you are entirely correct that my opinion is just my opinion. I'm not going to down vote an inherently good story because I dislike the choice of narrative style. And while I will, and have, pointed out that I think it is a mistake, I'm hardly going to try to tell the author to change their story to suit me.

That being said, I think you are getting narrative style and story type mixed up. That this is written in second person has no relation to it being a light comedy/mystery, as you see it. Personally, I think this would be better delivered as a first person narrative from Twilight's perspective. Or in other words, make Twilight the narrator rather than making the reader be Twilight with a third person narrator.

As for this being "second person done right", I again must disagree. I've seen second person done right. When second person is done right, I forget that I'm reading in second person. When any style of writing claims more of my attention than the story itself, then it is not done right.

7065852
The webcomic Homestruck is a very unique beast. It is very popular and entertaining, but as a story it is a confused mess. It also does not use second person as a narrative style, but rather as a readout from the controls of a console that another character is using.

Homestruck is well done and popular, but it has zero immersion, nor is it intended to. To compare it to a narrative story, where reader immersion is critical, is to do a great disservice to both.

7066130
Alrighty. Now THIS is a much better comment than your first. Here, you're voicing an opinion with reasoning rather than stating an opinion as fact and deriding the material.

For that, I applaud you.

7066130 Understandable. For now then it sounds as if we are just going to disagree then. However a definite point in your favor for not giving it a down vote.

escourt

You gained a u there.

Let's see what happens.

7065931 Yeah, and that little green book pops out of existence with purple sparkles right as Anon is reaching for it. Smooth Twilight, Smooth~.

I still think Anon is totally trolling, and speaks and reads fluent Equestrian. :D

I'd love to see Anon's perspective on this story.
On the other hand, if my theory is right, his perspective would spoil everything.

I think Anon is faking it. I think Equestrian and English are the same language, and that only Pinkie (and possibly Apple Bloom) know he can understand everything. The language Twilight heard him speak was something that would sound totally foreign, such as anything not Germanic or Romance.

You are Twilight

wait what

Well, that's certainly starting out different from the typical Anon story.

I want to give this a try... I really do.

But "Anon" bothers me so much that if it isn't done perfectly I'll end up downvoting. It sounds good and undeserving of a downvote for just being an "Anon" fic... Should I give it a chance?

:Edit:
Not happy with "anon" being a name, but I haven't downvoted it yet... So that's high praise.

Keep up the good work. *cringes*

Well, that's certainly an interesting read so far. A story of this type that isn't from the perspective of the human character isn't something that you see a lot. I like this.

7066499
The reader is not Anon. The second person is from Twilight's perspective, so it will be different from what you typically see.

I recommend giving it a try. It has a lot of the same flaws as the Anonymous in Equestria trope, but it's different enough to be worth it's own consideration.

7066402 I agree too, and that little book probably contains text in Equestrian/English.

Is this a green-skin faceless anon?

7066947
Considering he gave a glare in the first chapter, I'd say no.

The choice of doing 2nd person seems odd for Twilight Sparkle... and makes it errm... wonky? I believe that choice of wording is as close to how I am feeling on the matter but enough about that.

I however love this idea and want to see more.

Wait, there is a second half to my avatar?
Crazy.
EDIT: Or did you draw in Twilight? The shading and coloring are pretty similar, but Twilight's geometry feels kinda odd compared to Anon's.

7067163
It's something I've had for ages. No idea who the artist even is.

7067221 Ah, too bad. I've been searching the author too.

>i love greentext fanfictions, and i would be fine with keeping them in the typical greentext format

I like this fic so far, but you could do some re-reading on the chapters. I've noticed some characters, besides Anon of course, that speaks... out of tone or character. It's just one of those things that throws me out of the focus on the story. It's cute and it literally keeps us out of the loop on Anon's case. Other stories that try to take this route has it switching between the teacher and the student. Case in point is the Walking Giant, it switches in between Barin, the giant, and Twilight or whoever is important for the moment. It doesn't really create any mystery or suspense, unless you're just waiting for another chapter to be written, it just dissolves it in the story. I can only see that working if you have a two story plan; one in Twi's point of view and the other in Anon's.

Sorry I went on a tangent :twilightsheepish:
A 15 hours workday kinda just throws you at times :pinkiecrazy:. Anyway, tl;dr it's good just re-read your chapters.

damn is there somewhere a part where it is from anon's view ?
good work so far !

I really love series where they learn the language of Equestria.

Interesting idea. Delivery is rough. I think I can accept the clumsiness if the story decides to go somewhere.

Pretty good story so far. I will admit that the image you chose for the story lent me to the idea that Anon was going to be more of a prankster that was going to annoy Twilight, but finding the perfect image for your story isn't easy. I look forward to more.

SRY

7066424
7066402

Maybe Anon isn't faking, but Equestrian and English are the same language, Anon just doesn't speak English.

I feel like twilight should have actually zipped her lips using her magic to get the point across.


Would've been funny to see his reaction to it.

stop treating him like some dumb but friendly manticore that stepped out the Everfree."

entertaining. I find it somewhat short but its enough to catch my curiosity. I've read 'Your human and You' and i like how the twilight in this story treats/sees anon as more than a pet or a dumb creature from everfree and is wary of him.

7065973
It's correct. An example you might be familiar with would be the phrase "a better man than I". The issue is that AJ technically made another mistake. Strictly speaking, she should have said "he'll be better at it than I am in no time". The correction is valid but it's something that only someone in teacher mode would notice. When you share a language, little things like that aren't really important in conveying your thoughts. You automatically filter and translate minor issues like that without even realizing you're doing it.

7064761 No, this is Patrick

When I saw the dreaded '2nd Person' tag, I expected this to be from Anon's perspective, but:

You are Twilight

This kills the story.

This chapter reminds me of Tarzan when Jane is teaching Tarzan English

7068752
Not necessarily. If anything it helps to deviate the story from the slough of other Anon fics.

7069171 Well, it is certainly something different, at least ¯\_(o ͟ʖo)_/¯

Login or register to comment