• Member Since 6th Mar, 2014
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I wrote hoers (Ko-Fi/Patreon)


Horns are a dangerous weapon. You can't just wave it around and use it willy-nilly. You need to be careful. You must use your horn safely. Anon goes on a journey to ensure that horns in Ponyville are properly protected.

Written for The Barcast
Spanish Translation by Spaniard Kiwi

This story is contained in my book "Dash Tries to Win Your Heart and Other Short Pony Stories"

If you have interest in purchasing this non-profit book, check out my online store at this link: https://www.lulu.com/search?adult_audience_rating=00&q=flutterpriest

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 90 )

Usually I don't condome this type of story, but I'd say this one is probably a safe bet.


Oh, ...hugs? you and ...hugs? your puns.

wlam #3 · Mar 12th, 2016 · · ·

"Don't you 'Trix' me, Anonymous. I do not have time for your apologies. Do you not realize that The Great and Powerful Trixie is one of the most Great and most Powerful unicorns, in all of Equestria?!"

"Well, of course, but-"

"Then, does it not make perfect sense that you shall give me one of your Magic Enhancement Rods?"

She looks at the package carefully.

"It's awful small," she says.

A part of you inside feels hurt.

:rainbowlaugh: You really managed to hit all the stops with this, didn't you? That was hilariously retarded in all the best of ways.

This was just...awesome :rainbowlaugh:

Good on anon, using his head.

Ayyyyyy you did it!

One of my favourite stories on the site now. Made me smile and laugh and was generally awesome. Plz make another chapter on what happens next.

what happened next:rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy:

Im so glad to see an idea we had come to life.


Brilliant but feels incomplete. I want to see the logical conclusion.

"I don't know... I have to be really picky these days. Being a Princess and all…"

I´m just glad that this is a comedy story, that waay I don´t have to complain about every little bit.

Well this chapter was not bad, one of the better one-shots so far, but he still needs to know how o exactly make them, or he can somehow lie about it, and get someone to look into it.


Pretty sure thats what Rarity is for, since she will design them and try to make them in more colours and such.

Exactly how is a clear balloon a protection on the tip of a horn?
Oh, and exactly what is protected here?

So, for all they know, this could be some sort of balloon or some sort of ribbed plastic bag. Hell, it wouldn't even be fun to fling these at their faces, because they wouldn't be grossed out about it. You might get some fun if you give them to pinkie as balloons. Seeing a little filly carry a condom-balloon dog around town would be priceless.
But there's gotta be something better. Something else that you could do with these. Come on... think. Use your noggin.

This guy deserves a nobel prize :rainbowlaugh:

Finished reading; this is the best prank ever done in equestria! XD

7024135 Your pun was bad, and you should feel bad!


How is this possible you didn't come up with this yet and have spike do something about it?

Ya Know cause you think he's so bloody wonderful.

I don't know if i should classify him as a genius, the biggest troll or the biggest douche that's ever graced Equestrian soil.

But somehow I never do. :heart:

No u.

Goddammit, Flutterpriest. :facehoof:

You win.

I can't stop thinking about ponies in pantyhose now.


I got into a internet fistfight about me wanting to make spike into dragon burgers and sandwiches.

You really think I should write a story with spike in it?

I mean its possible that I could but I tend to lose interest too fast in any story I start writing and the horses suffer for it cause I just start imagining what they would be like if they were cats instead an-......you know what never mind.

Write a story where Anon treats all the ponies like cats, and they hate it. :twilightsmile:

Edit: pretend to hate it.

>"Oh god please no... noooo not behind the ears. Please not a little lower that's terrible. You monster. noooo."

But the freakin attention span I have is like a fly that is kinda pissed cause some kid pulled off all my legs and threw me in the air so I can still fly but not land!!.....I can never land again....oh god.

And my wings would eventually get tired but I can't land cause the kid released me inside a box and the bottom is covered in venus flytraps!!!! And the walls are made of glass and I keep trying to get out but the glass won't let me and I don't want to be eaten and I just want to land somewhere where I can close my eyes and die in peace!!! But not land and watch as the walls close around me as I'm slowly digested alive!!!!

"Is disposable"
I don't have any real clue how these two words made me fall to my floor in laughter but it did.
Thank you.

Oh, this was magical!

This is HOI-larious.
And yet, I can see it happening, though good luck getting a 'silk sleeve' for the royals...Good God I don't think SHAQ has condoms that big.

Eventually someone will figure it out. And then anon will die...

Watch it be Luna of all ponies that figures it out and reacts.
Discord will realize it the moment he sees it, and won't really care beyond paying Anon a visit to pat him on the back.

7027483 No, the motherly Celestia. She will take one look and just know and look at Anon with oddly detached amusement and annoyance.

Nah, this looks like a Trollestia universe so she would notice immediately. Then she would have a discussion with Anon about how it's too small her horn using a lot of suggestive talk, thus trolling him. Then let it go on for a while to laugh at all the nobles who walk into court with it on then make Anon tell the truth about where the idea came from. :trollestia:

7027483 I say Discord would see Twilight, take a doubetake, and ask her where she got them... then, to the confusion of Ponyville, pop in front of Anon and start bowing down, saying, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!"

It lacked climax...pun not intended

This is the best thing I've read this week.

this story is stupid!:facehoof:
I LIKE IT!:moustache:

This is probably the greatest comedy of read so far. Good work!

For some reason, I now imagine Twilight going through the portal and going shopping with her friends. then seeing the condoms , and pointing at them saying "You have horn warmers too!?!?!"

7026367 He's a genius.

Don't be silly, wrap your willy.

And so, Anon gave unicorns everywhere the best latex fetish ever. The end.

This was bloody glorious. Normally, I hate 2nd person fics, and I despise HiE even more, but this was absolutely, positively, 100%, without a doubt glorious

This needs a sequel

What how is it over there's no ending or conclusion there needs to be more

Protection is magic.

Thank You Priest!! You are a godsend to Man and Pony Kind!!! Just discussing this made me laugh uncontrollably,
Haven't read yet but insta-fav,
Yours Sincerely
That Fake British Prick

He could probably sell them for the lower horn as well

7031775 same here
An actual British prick

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