• Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Titanium Dragon

TD writes and reviews pony fanfiction, and has a serious RariJack addiction. Send help and/or ponies.


Tirek's free subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping magazine nearly led to the end of Equestria as we know it.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 59 )

Well this is quite the interesting take on Tirek's reason to betray him.:rainbowlaugh:

Magazines are weird.

Discord is a complete monster.

I mean seriously, plaid?

Everything I know about women's magazines, I learned from Google. :trixieshiftright:

Truth be told, I only touched video game mags.

Tulips are Serious Business. :moustache:

This... actually does an excellent job of explaining everything about Tirek's escape and reign of terror. I'm glad to see best pony has learned her lesson; don't listen to strange monkey-centaurs in purgatorial sepulchers.

Thank you for a most amusing look at Tirek's motivations. :twilightsmile:

You're welcome. I enjoyed the idea too much to not write it.

And yes, I think this story contains a valuable lesson we can all take home with us. :heart:

Ditzy you silly filly, didn't your mother ever teach you not to talk to strangers :derpytongue2:? They have a way of escaping from their monster-guarded prisons in the pits of Tartarus and exacting revenge on your entire race if you so much as look at them! :derpyderp2:

You almost persuade me that Tirek is a better villain than Discord. I'm loving this! :scootangel:

Apparently not! Shame on her for missing such an important moral lesson. I can't imagine how she missed out on giving it to her daughter.

I have heard a few people say that while Discord is a better character, Tirek is a better villain. I'm not entirely certain if I agree with that, but it is an interesting way of looking at things. :twilightsmile:

Celestia you cruel, cruel pony. Cruel and unusual punishment obviously isn't barred for prisoners in Tartarus. Then again, filling his brain with mush sounds like a genius tactic, no matter how cruel. Smart... Very smart.

And I kinda wish Derpy had given him a chance... I mean, sure he'd probably have taken advantage of her... ditziness, but still! Even if Fluttershy couldn't begin to help him, I bet Derpy would have a chance.

Celestia is a terrible troll. :heart: Though I'm sure you can guess which of her beloved subjects recommended this particular type of magazine. :duck:

As for Derpy... poor Derpy. Maybe she'll come around after a while... it's not like he has much anypony else for company.

Comment posted by Titanium Dragon deleted Jun 2nd, 2014


Don't worry, Derpy, some folks are just like that--misequithropes. Don't let him get you down. :pinkiesmile:

This is interesting. I bet it's pretty funny, too... we'll see.

Onward! :pinkiehappy:

:rainbowlaugh: Espionage by looking at her royal gardeners' landscaping techniques... :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: This'll be good...!

:rainbowlaugh: So... all of this was because those magazines are turning him into a hobbyist?! :rainbowlaugh:

4483176 But... if you don't ever talk to strangers, then where will your new friends come from? :fluttershysad::pinkiesad2: (Got to look at this from the Equestrian perspective, you see.)

That said, where was Tirek for the two years/year and a half between "It's About Time" and "Twilight's Kingdom", if he escaped this early? :rainbowhuh:

It's true! Friendship is magic there! Literally! Gotta meet those strangers to get more buddies.

As for the other: presumably he was hiding in an alley somewhere.

It isn't really clear from the show how much time has passed between It's About Time and Twilight's Kingdom; it is hard to say, and there's no real clues, like a winter episode or anything. Could be anywhere between several months and a couple years; all we really know for certain is that at least one year has passed since the premier, as Princess Twilight Sparkle has the Summer Sun Celebration, an annual celebration, return, but it seems to imply that it is the first one since Luna's return:

Princess Celestia: I must admit that it is wonderful to actually be looking forward to the Summer Sun Celebration.

Though that is kind of vague and can be seen as a general statement about the celebration in general being different to her after a thousand years of it sucking.

We also saw our second Applebucking season in Bats, which is further (fairly weak) evidence that we're in year two of the show, chronologically, which would require that Fall Weather Friends, Winter Wrap-Up, and Hearth's Warming Eve all were not necessarily broadcast in chronological order, representing a single fall and winter. Though we actually already know from Secret of My Excess that Fall Weather Friends and Winter Wrap-Up weren't in chronological order relative to each other, because that episode covers Spike's first birthday in Ponyville.

That being said, Twilight's Kingdom has Luna express her belief that this was how it happened, so wherever he was hiding, he was probably doing it for quite some time:

Princess Luna: We believe it happened when Cerberus left his post at the gates.
Twilight Sparkle: But that was a long time ago. Why is he just now starting to steal magic?
Princess Celestia: His time in Tartarus left him very weak. He has just now gained enough strength to use his dark powers.

Yes, I may spend a little more time thinking about this stuff than is really necessary. :trixieshiftright:

I hope you enjoyed the story, though!

Poor guy. The least Celestia could have done was send him some trowels and water pitchers.

This is as clever as it is silly. Loved it.

Tirek finally escapes. It’s about time. :twilightblush:

Next time he escapes, he will be ¡Fabulous!

He seriously thinks he can learn how to break out by looking at pictures of Princess Celestia's gardens? Or is he giving himself an excuse for alleviating his boredom? Either way, this is quite funny.!

Methinks they need to tighten the security on this prison a little.

Love the self-awareness here. Tee hee.

I love the absurd concept of this.

God Forbid you actually enjoy something other than carnage, My Lord. :trollestia:

"Could you gather these for me, and drop them for Cerberus on your way out? I am certain that he would find them an enjoyable diversion."

Dammit, Derpy! It's all your fault!

His smile faded slightly at the sight of the Everfree Forest. It just wasn't right. It was too tall, too imposing, too green. But eliminating it would be quite a challenge. Even with the power of Luna and Celestia...

OMG nicely done. I will never look at the scene of Tirek incinerating the Everfree the same way ever again. :rainbowlaugh:

Lord Tirek blinked at the cheerful voice, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes at the pony. "You? How did you find me here?"
"It was on the label!"

"Mr. LORD TIREK, The Smallest Bedroom, 14 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey..."

'Princess Cadance's Crystal Garden'?

You can be a real genius when you wanna be.

This gets better and better.

Just one look couldn't hurt...

I love it. Take my favourite. Also, sending you a PM with errors I found.

Heh, thanks. I'm glad you liked it. This is probably my most brilliantly stupid story. Seldom is the question asked, "Why did Tirek randomly start blasting the Everfree forest?" But I knew the answer all along...

Lovely and underrated. I'd like to see what Rarity could do with prison jumpsuits.

And so it begins... again.

This is a very weird story. I can't say it's one of the weirdest I've read since there are so many, but it was certainly strange. I loved it :pinkiehappy:

I call it my "RainbowBob" story, in that it came from a totally random premise - namely, me trying to come up with an (overly elaborate) explanation for why Tirek began randomly blasting trees in the S4 finale. :trixieshiftright:

I wonder whether I should be saying "poor Tirek" or "poor Derpy"! How did the magazine even decide to give a subscription to Tirek in the first place? :derpytongue2:

At the risk of sounding pedantic, 4487293 , a ponified version of "misanthrope" may be "mishippus" if one were to follow the same logic.

Clearly some member of the civil service must have sold them a copy of Celestia's address book. :duck:

It was really funny, specially the concept.
But I think that for a story with such absurd premise like this, you may have been a little to serious.
. I mean, the joke with him betraying Discord for his terrible taste is awesome, really funny, because it just surprise you, very well tought. But with the "I want to destroy the everfree forest" you've already mentioned that two times. It was funny when he was looking in the magazine and thought that those woods "won't do at all". It was funny still when he said Discord that he wanted to destroy them. But the third time? Well, it didn't stop to be funny, but it wasn't unexpected, and with that, I think it lose a little magic. Comedy depends a lot of being unexpected and reverse the expectations that the readers may form from the setting. I think it may have been funnier if you had leaved that joke just for the end. I favourited it anyway!

PD: Sorry, this comment was specially terrible written, I don't have time to edit it now as I usually try to do with my comments. I hope you can understand it anyway. Saluts!

Fair enough! This was certainly one of my odder stories, and I can see the concern about excess repetition with that particular line.

I'm glad you found it amusing, though. Even though it never got all that many views, it still has a special place in my heart as my most random story.

This'll be good.

Yep. This'll be good.

I think you forgot the part where he smashes straight through the front door of Canterlot, unless this is supposed to be pre-season finale,. I do like where this is going, though.

That's how they get you, Tirek. Don't fall for it!

"I didn't even need the balls."
--Tirek, probably

Ah, and now we see how this fits in with canon timelines.

What even is this story anymore? This is absurd and I'm loving it.

Welp, that was a ride. Thanks for writing!

You're welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was fun watching your comments gradually progress through the story as you were reading it. :raritywink:

This is definitely my crackiest fic.

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