• Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

Titanium Dragon


TD writes and reviews pony fanfiction, and has a serious RariJack addiction. Send help and/or ponies.

E

PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE: DEAD AT 18

TELEPORTATION INVARIABLY FATAL, WARNS LEADING SCHOLAR

One look at the headline of the Canterlot Times and Twilight knew that she should have slept in today. But at least none of her friends would be silly enough to believe she was killing herself every time she teleported, right?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 608 )

I approve of any death humor !

Nice take on Zaponator's Blink - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/269332/blink

I was expecting this to be a fic to report for plagarism... instead, it ends up being one of the best I've seen this week. Carry on!

I might have to just thumb this fic up without reading it for the cover image. I won't, but I do want a link to a higher resolution image so I can read it without squinting. :twilightsmile:

Heh. Classic Pinkie.

That was so cool!!!

Could I do a reading on this, please?

Yay dying!

This very neatly sums up my feelings about modern newspaper journalism (and including internet too).

Its so absolutely bonkers and you wonder how anyone can take anything written at face value.
And then you meet 'them'. The people that are so bad that they do stuff like thinking The Onion isn't satire.....
ugh.

Enjoyed the story though. Made me chuckle.

Delightfully hilarious. :twilightsmile:

Very funny, especially reading it right after Blink. You've certainly mastered the art of timing.

The teleportation-implies-death story has been told many times. You told it particularly well!

Great one-shot! I love when someone manages comedy without falling on entirely ridiculous characterization to get it.

This pleases me. :twilightsmile:

A Masterpiece. I take it it was inspired by the story "Blink"?

Favorite and like!

smolbep #17 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · 13 ·

6163593
The immaterial aether is pretty much hyperspace from star trek.

Electro-chemical signals that the conscious mind uses can be read and connected to another electro-chemical system, i.e. mind using the amount of magic a princess has, I'd wager.

Oh, and that internal energy? Either a wormhole to a universe that doesn't obey the First Law of Thermodynamics, or using a non-thermodynaic quantum structure to generate negative energy and convert it to electrical energy.

Bravo! I love this :rainbowlaugh::

“Well, you kind of killed King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis.” Pinkie Pie tapped her hoof to her chin. “Well, at least I’m pretty sure they’re dead. Though I guess that was really Princess Cadance and Shining Armor. Hm. No wonder Tirek went after you instead.”

“Pinkie Pie. Tirek went after Shining Armor and Princess Cadance, too.”

“Oh? That was silly of him. He’s lucky we were the ones who beat him.”

and this :ajsmug::

Twilight bit her lip. “You know what? Yes, there is something ‘the matter’.” She lifted her hooves to make the appropriate marks in the air. “I try telling him that you’re not interested, that you’re a grown mare, but every time I think I’ve got him convinced, you start batting your eyes at him and then it starts all over again. You need to do it.”

but especially this :yay::

“Uh, neither. Shoot, I don’t even know half of what you just said there.” Applejack tipped her hat. “All I know is you, and you know magic. And I know you never woulda used it on Spike or a single one of your friends if you knew it killed ‘em and made another pony in their place.”

it needs a sequel where the article is proven right to twilight and her friends horror, maybe the janitor is one of these super genius that is yet to be discovered

You know, I found Rainbow's reaction to her new fear of dying kind of heart-breaking in a way, flying around in pads. For me it felt a bit sad when viewing it from Rainbow's end, that she would change herself so drastically in guilt. Poor Rainbow, I'd love to see something like that happen to her in the show for some character development.

I think the "Moose Census Begins" was my favorite part.

Nyronus #22 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · 16 ·

6163593

I'm going to second this point that Twilight saying ponies have no souls was just goddamn weird and out of setting. Ponies are show to be inherently magical, able to astrally project, and have destinies which can be altered with magic. A lot of these things are tied to the soul in literature, so specifically denying the soul seems really weird and seems to have only been done for what was an extremely dark joke.

Sort of a small flaw in the scheme of things though, so, not that big a deal. Still, I enjoyed it.

This is something I honestly cannot stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:

P.S. Poor Rainbow, Twilight crossed the line way too far... :derpyderp1:

Separate memorial services for the Twilight Sparkle who saved Equestria from Discord and the Princess Twilight Sparkle who saved Equestria from Tirek are planned for Sunday at 1 and 2 pm

I love this line so much.

Also, they'll have their hands full with those memorials...

You really like orchids, right? You can just show up at the memorial services, eat all the flowers, and be done with it.

:rainbowlaugh:

“Well, it is Saturday.”

I see what you did there. :trollestia:

morphic field, eh? Do I scent a fellow Discworld fan?

Fantastic story, hilarious dialogue and a real roller-coaster zingerway of emotion quips. TD you make it look easy, and we love you for it.

Poor rainbow dash. Existential crisises are a pain.

6163277

I approve of any death humor !

Good thing, too. I'd be in real trouble otherwise. :raritywink:

6163287

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. :ajsmug:

Poor Twilight...
orig09.deviantart.net/b806/f/2012/190/3/5/crazy_twilight_by_nedemai-d51kl4s.png

"Every pony in this town is CRAZY!"

Now I wanna see a story that has the townsponies reactions to reading that their local princess has apparently committed suicide 796 times

6163593
As much as I hate to say this...
You're assuming it was a statement of faith.
What if, for ponies, it was a statement of fact? That ponies don't have an afterlife, or any aspect of them that continues on as themselves when they die?
After all, Tartarus - which in myth is the Underworld - is an actual place, a prison for horrible criminals. Maybe ponies function on the FF7 lifestream system, where they're born from the planet and return to it when they die, but in death lose any sense of individual identity. What if that's what Twilight meant?
Still pretty grim from Rainbow's perspective, who'd long thought she'd get to spend her afterlife hanging with her friends, only to discover 'nope, the essence of who you are is gone once you die'.

What.... Why would they interview a janitor?

6163758

Sorry but I don't agree with that. Just because other literature has a tendency to associate that stuff with souls doesn't mean this one has to as well. That's like a non-argument. It's pure fiction either way, and the show-canon has never made any commentary or mention of souls at all, so if anything it's an error to insist that souls have to exist in the FIM setting and implying that any fiction that doesn't conform to this headcanon is wrong or flawed.

6163289
Thanks! I'm glad to hear the story worked so well for you.

6163379
Alas, the full resolution of the image when you click on it:

cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/be1l-1435917955-273539-full

Is the highest resolution which exists.

The full text of the "Moose Census Begins" article that I wrote there was:

For the first time in history a full enumeration of all Equestrian Capreolinae is underway.

Spurred by recent revelations of errors made by the Canterlot Census Bureau in the counting of non-equine residents of Equestria, the new head of the agency, Large Numbers, has said that their employees have been specially trained to track down and poll Equestria’s resident moose and elk population, which is often transient in nature.

“Many of our Caproline neighbors do not have permanent addresses in the way that ponies do, resulting in a severe undercounting of their numbers in previous censuses, resulting in fewer resources being assigned to their needs,” Numbers said.

But not everypony is convinced that the moose population is undercounted. “The statistical methodology previously used to estimate the transient moose population is well-established,” said Professor Rough Estimates of Manehattan University. “This is clearly nothing more than an attempt by the ponies of northern Equestria to gain additional funding.”

The text under the picture says:

Twilight Sparkle at her coronation. The Twilight Sparkle who was made princess of Equestria is estimated by experts to have been the 342nd copy of the princess since the defeat of Nightmare Moon. Only the fourth alicorn princess to be crowned, the Princess of Friendship was an extremely popular pony for the brief period of her existence.

The article on the left, under "A City Mourns", can be found in the story itself; it is the exact same text.

This was a good one. The formulaic approach of Twilight going through an encounter of each of the main five isn't something I'm ever fond of, but each was significantly different that the predictability didn't really make it stale. And while I agree with others that ponies not having souls doesn't really make sense to me when you think seriously about the world, it was all done in service to the comedy, and I thought it was a good joke, so I have no problem with it and I'm not gonna overanalyse. Atheist Twilight is best Twilight.

Plus, the central concept it tackled was an interesting one, and that's always a point in a story's favour.

6163421
Yes, you're welcome to do a reading of it if you'd like. I'm always happy to get readings of my stories! :twilightsmile:

6163758 or, yknow, she's just an atheist who thinks one life is all anyone gets. The simple explanation.

can someone find me a doctor please....my sides seem to have exploded.

please, help...seriously, theres blood everywhere, my mum had a heart attack, my dad has slipped in the blood and bashed his head on the table and my dog is trying to eat my ribs off the floor...and the walls....and the ceiling.

6163830
Would you ever do another one?

This has got to be one of the greatest things I have ever read

6163721
6163732

First of all, because the wormhole is in their body, there is a limit on how fast they can bring energy through.

Second, I'm sorry, I meant star wars, here's what I meant. It's an alternate set of spatial dimensions that works like the nether in Minecraft, where you go so-and-so many times farther in hyperspace than in realspace. As in immaterial, I take it to mean not normal spatial dimensions. Maybe it's a sort of mindscape which is the manifestation of the pony mind on a magical plane, making the realms of minds, dreams and hyperspace to be the same, kind of like Warhammer 40K.

6163411

Classic Pinkie.

I'm glad you approved. That's one of my favorite scenes, and was one of the first I came up with, along with the Applejack scene.

6163417
Thank you!

6163439
:unsuresweetie:

6163448
Yes, this was a satire of multiple things all at once. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

6163486
Always nice to get comments that could be quotes from the back of a paperback book or DVD. :twilightsmile:

6163530
Gotta capture the zeitgeist!

EDIT: Wow, I didn't realize Blink was being featured by the RCL today. That makes the timing even more perfect.

6163534
I thought it would be nice to put a little twist on the usual version of the tale.

6163850 Wow, thanks for taking the time to do that! I appreciate it! :pinkiesmile: Now to actually read the story and see what this is all about...

Well, that was fun. And good to see, Twilight, put a stop to, Rarity's, teasing. Seriously, I hate TEASING!
It's like sexual bullying! Not cool!

Twilight is a good pony!:moustache::ajsmug::twilightsmile:

6163856
Thank you. :3
Oh, happy 4th of July.

This was great!

6163572
Another great back of the DVD box quote!

And that's a cute little image.

6163576
I'm always a bit surprised by that, given that the show is naturally comedic. I feel like exaggeration of the characters is often unnecessary to create humor, as they're already kind of exaggerated to begin with.

6163579
Good to hear. :twilightsmile:

Congrats on the RCL feature today!

All part of my cunning plan and not a total coincidence, clearly. :trixieshiftright:

It appears this, like Blink, is also going to have a bloated comments section, of which only half are about the story.

6163884 Actually there are four areas to Greek Hades (the underworld): there's Tartarus which as you said is a place of punishment. The Fields of Asphodel which is where the vast majority of souls go which is a place of boredom and without change. The Elysian Fields which is where heroes and the truly good go, it's a pseudo-paradise (good enough for eternity if you don't want to try for the Isles.). And finally the Isles of the Blest which can only be reached if you achieve entrance to the Elysian Fields in three consecutive lives, this is a true paradise of eternal joy and happiness.

I think if you end up in either of the fields you can choose to be reborn and try to reach Elysium or the Isles in your next life. Tartarus you are punished for eternity and the Isles it just doesn't get any better so why would you.

There is also the occasional hero (Heracles) who impresses the gods so much in their life that on their deathbed they take them to Olympus itself.
:twilightsmile:

...And now it's read. Very good read, very funny, and very spot-on. Though I can't actually imagine Twilight totally outing Spike like that, but I can forgive minor stuff for a well-placed joke. Great job!

The neat thing is that the last story I read before this one was one in which Twilight finds out that the teleportation spell works exactly like that paper said it did.

Personally, I don't see it mattering much how it works, since while the body may not be the same, the soul is.

:ajsmug: <-- best pony

Do you think I would just unleash that kind of power so I fetch a book from the other side of the room?

Well...it is Twilight... :twilightblush:

Ice cream dreams!

Is that what you kids are calling it these days? I thought we already had the Spike-puberty episode.

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