• Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
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Titanium Dragon

TD writes and reviews pony fanfiction, and has a serious RariJack addiction. Send help and/or ponies.




One look at the headline of the Canterlot Times and Twilight knew that she should have slept in today. But at least none of her friends would be silly enough to believe she was killing herself every time she teleported, right?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 643 )

I approve of any death humor !

Nice take on Zaponator's Blink - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/269332/blink

I was expecting this to be a fic to report for plagarism... instead, it ends up being one of the best I've seen this week. Carry on!

I might have to just thumb this fic up without reading it for the cover image. I won't, but I do want a link to a higher resolution image so I can read it without squinting. :twilightsmile:

Heh. Classic Pinkie.

That was so cool!!!

Could I do a reading on this, please?

Yay dying!

This very neatly sums up my feelings about modern newspaper journalism (and including internet too).

Its so absolutely bonkers and you wonder how anyone can take anything written at face value.
And then you meet 'them'. The people that are so bad that they do stuff like thinking The Onion isn't satire.....

Enjoyed the story though. Made me chuckle.

Delightfully hilarious. :twilightsmile:

Very funny, especially reading it right after Blink. You've certainly mastered the art of timing.

The teleportation-implies-death story has been told many times. You told it particularly well!

Great one-shot! I love when someone manages comedy without falling on entirely ridiculous characterization to get it.

This pleases me. :twilightsmile:

You know, Twilight not believing in a soul makes no sense. She even talked about the "immaterial aether" as in non-physical. If there was nothing outside of the physical realm, then how is there an immaterial aether? Also, she obviously believes for a fact that magic comes from an internal energy, as evidenced by a line from the show, and also believes that Luna can send her consciousness into the minds of other ponies in order to help them with nightmares. Isn't a soul a free floating mass of consciousness made of some sort of energy that originated from a body? If that's the case, then her saying that souls aren't real doesn't make sense since in order for that to be true, Luna shouldn't be able to do what is essentially astral projection.

Sorry if that was a bit of a rant, but the fact that she believes in an immaterial aether, but not immaterial entities, aka souls, makes me scratch my head at her logic.

One more thing. It seems that her form of teleportation is more like the Portal version than the Star Trek version. The Star Trek version being that the person being teleported is broken up into trillions of pieces and reassembled on the other side. Not exactly what was described in the newspaper, but close enough.

A Masterpiece. I take it it was inspired by the story "Blink"?

Favorite and like!

bep #19 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · 13 ·

The immaterial aether is pretty much hyperspace from star trek.

Electro-chemical signals that the conscious mind uses can be read and connected to another electro-chemical system, i.e. mind using the amount of magic a princess has, I'd wager.

Oh, and that internal energy? Either a wormhole to a universe that doesn't obey the First Law of Thermodynamics, or using a non-thermodynaic quantum structure to generate negative energy and convert it to electrical energy.

Bravo! I love this :rainbowlaugh::

“Well, you kind of killed King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis.” Pinkie Pie tapped her hoof to her chin. “Well, at least I’m pretty sure they’re dead. Though I guess that was really Princess Cadance and Shining Armor. Hm. No wonder Tirek went after you instead.”

“Pinkie Pie. Tirek went after Shining Armor and Princess Cadance, too.”

“Oh? That was silly of him. He’s lucky we were the ones who beat him.”

and this :ajsmug::

Twilight bit her lip. “You know what? Yes, there is something ‘the matter’.” She lifted her hooves to make the appropriate marks in the air. “I try telling him that you’re not interested, that you’re a grown mare, but every time I think I’ve got him convinced, you start batting your eyes at him and then it starts all over again. You need to do it.”

but especially this :yay::

“Uh, neither. Shoot, I don’t even know half of what you just said there.” Applejack tipped her hat. “All I know is you, and you know magic. And I know you never woulda used it on Spike or a single one of your friends if you knew it killed ‘em and made another pony in their place.”

it needs a sequel where the article is proven right to twilight and her friends horror, maybe the janitor is one of these super genius that is yet to be discovered

You know, I found Rainbow's reaction to her new fear of dying kind of heart-breaking in a way, flying around in pads. For me it felt a bit sad when viewing it from Rainbow's end, that she would change herself so drastically in guilt. Poor Rainbow, I'd love to see something like that happen to her in the show for some character development.

6163637 And you know that immaterial aether refers to a hyperspace equivalent how? Also, that wouldn't make sense since what I've learned of the word aether doesn't have anything to do with hyperspace. In fact, what the word aether usually refers to is something of a more mystical nature. That, and how can hyperspace be the same as being immaterial? From what I've seen in every piece of science fiction, hyperspace, as the name implies, is just a state of being in which the molecules are going at an accelerated rate to the point that they could go through solid objects in much the same way that the Flash goes through solid objects. Even then, that isn't even the same sort of thing that warp drive does in Star Trek, from what I've seen. It really looks more like they're just going faster than light, but they're still just as solid as before. If it was really like the hyperspace that you are talking about, then why do they bother turning away from a ship before fleeing at warp drive. If they're going through an immaterial hyperspace, then they could just warp drive right through the enemy ship in order to escape.

So does that mean that everyone in Equestria is connected like a mental internet? Because what you're suggesting and what was demonstrated near the end of bloom and gloom seems to say that. Also, if that's the case, then what was Twilight transported to when she became an Alicorn? I ask this because the area in which that happened and the place where the doors in bloom and gloom appeared are the same. If all the ponies are connected on a mental internet that only Luna can freely access, then why did a spell by Starswirl, send Twilight, body and all, to it to become an Alicorn?

6163637 One more thing, your idea that the internal energy thing is really a pocket dimension doesn't make sense since that would mean that Twilight and everypony else should be able to save up enough energy to do all of the things that she said wouldn't be possible even if every unicorn released all of their stored energy. Meaning that there is a limit to how much energy can be stored that is reachable within a reasonable amount of time, i.e it probably takes Twilight a good night's rest to literally recharge her magic reserves. If hers and all unicorn's magic came from a pocket dimension, there would be nearly no limit to how much magic unicorns and alicorns could produce.

I think the "Moose Census Begins" was my favorite part.

Nyronus #26 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · 16 ·


I'm going to second this point that Twilight saying ponies have no souls was just goddamn weird and out of setting. Ponies are show to be inherently magical, able to astrally project, and have destinies which can be altered with magic. A lot of these things are tied to the soul in literature, so specifically denying the soul seems really weird and seems to have only been done for what was an extremely dark joke.

Sort of a small flaw in the scheme of things though, so, not that big a deal. Still, I enjoyed it.

This is something I honestly cannot stop laughing. :rainbowlaugh:

P.S. Poor Rainbow, Twilight crossed the line way too far... :derpyderp1:

Separate memorial services for the Twilight Sparkle who saved Equestria from Discord and the Princess Twilight Sparkle who saved Equestria from Tirek are planned for Sunday at 1 and 2 pm

I love this line so much.

Also, they'll have their hands full with those memorials...

You really like orchids, right? You can just show up at the memorial services, eat all the flowers, and be done with it.


“Well, it is Saturday.”

I see what you did there. :trollestia:

6163758 Ah, good. Someone who agrees with me. Though you are right, it is a small flaw, it's still significant enough to raise a lot of questions. Specifically calling into question Twilight's logic about there being an immaterial plane of existence, but no immaterial entities.

morphic field, eh? Do I scent a fellow Discworld fan?

Fantastic story, hilarious dialogue and a real roller-coaster zingerway of emotion quips. TD you make it look easy, and we love you for it.

Poor rainbow dash. Existential crisises are a pain.


I approve of any death humor !

Good thing, too. I'd be in real trouble otherwise. :raritywink:




Wow. :ajsmug:

Poor Twilight...

"Every pony in this town is CRAZY!"

Now I wanna see a story that has the townsponies reactions to reading that their local princess has apparently committed suicide 796 times

As much as I hate to say this...
You're assuming it was a statement of faith.
What if, for ponies, it was a statement of fact? That ponies don't have an afterlife, or any aspect of them that continues on as themselves when they die?
After all, Tartarus - which in myth is the Underworld - is an actual place, a prison for horrible criminals. Maybe ponies function on the FF7 lifestream system, where they're born from the planet and return to it when they die, but in death lose any sense of individual identity. What if that's what Twilight meant?
Still pretty grim from Rainbow's perspective, who'd long thought she'd get to spend her afterlife hanging with her friends, only to discover 'nope, the essence of who you are is gone once you die'.

What.... Why would they interview a janitor?


Sorry but I don't agree with that. Just because other literature has a tendency to associate that stuff with souls doesn't mean this one has to as well. That's like a non-argument. It's pure fiction either way, and the show-canon has never made any commentary or mention of souls at all, so if anything it's an error to insist that souls have to exist in the FIM setting and implying that any fiction that doesn't conform to this headcanon is wrong or flawed.

Thanks! I'm glad to hear the story worked so well for you.

Alas, the full resolution of the image when you click on it:


Is the highest resolution which exists.

The full text of the "Moose Census Begins" article that I wrote there was:

For the first time in history a full enumeration of all Equestrian Capreolinae is underway.

Spurred by recent revelations of errors made by the Canterlot Census Bureau in the counting of non-equine residents of Equestria, the new head of the agency, Large Numbers, has said that their employees have been specially trained to track down and poll Equestria’s resident moose and elk population, which is often transient in nature.

“Many of our Caproline neighbors do not have permanent addresses in the way that ponies do, resulting in a severe undercounting of their numbers in previous censuses, resulting in fewer resources being assigned to their needs,” Numbers said.

But not everypony is convinced that the moose population is undercounted. “The statistical methodology previously used to estimate the transient moose population is well-established,” said Professor Rough Estimates of Manehattan University. “This is clearly nothing more than an attempt by the ponies of northern Equestria to gain additional funding.”

The text under the picture says:

Twilight Sparkle at her coronation. The Twilight Sparkle who was made princess of Equestria is estimated by experts to have been the 342nd copy of the princess since the defeat of Nightmare Moon. Only the fourth alicorn princess to be crowned, the Princess of Friendship was an extremely popular pony for the brief period of her existence.

The article on the left, under "A City Mourns", can be found in the story itself; it is the exact same text.

This was a good one. The formulaic approach of Twilight going through an encounter of each of the main five isn't something I'm ever fond of, but each was significantly different that the predictability didn't really make it stale. And while I agree with others that ponies not having souls doesn't really make sense to me when you think seriously about the world, it was all done in service to the comedy, and I thought it was a good joke, so I have no problem with it and I'm not gonna overanalyse. Atheist Twilight is best Twilight.

Plus, the central concept it tackled was an interesting one, and that's always a point in a story's favour.

Yes, you're welcome to do a reading of it if you'd like. I'm always happy to get readings of my stories! :twilightsmile:

6163758 or, yknow, she's just an atheist who thinks one life is all anyone gets. The simple explanation.

6163840 Going off of the FF7 logic still wouldn't work for Twilight's logic since, like I said, Luna essentially astral projects when she's dream walking. If the force of energy is just that, with no consciousness, then astral projection of that energy shouldn't be possible since the second it leaves her body, she wouldn't have an individual consciousness. FF7 logic also doesn't work since Dirge of Cerberus showed the individual soul of Lucretsia (not sure if I spelled that right) breifly interacting with Vincent in his Chaos form. With that in mind, the souls that return to the earth in that game don't become completely dissolved into just one mass of energy.

Besides, one fanfic that I read pointed something out that proves some of the things that Twilight learned about magic are not all correct. In Bridle Gossip, she said that the idea of curses is just a load of bull crap. Not worded that way, but still. Then, in season 3, we learn that Sombra placed a curse on the Crystal Empire, proving that what what Twilight said about curses, in all sense of the word since she didn't say anything to the contrary, is false.

6163840 Also, your knowledge of Tartarus in Greek mythology is incorrect. Tartarus is only part of the Underworld. A common misconception is that the underworld is the same as hell and Olympus is Heaven, which is false. Olympus is the home of the gods and only the gods. Hades rules over the Underworld which is split up into two areas. I forgot the exact name of one of them, but I believe one part of it is the Isle of Paradise. That is the Greek version of Heaven. Tartarus is the part that is considered hell and has the same function, keeping those that are evil in custody for eternity.

With that in mind, the Tartarus in MLP is pretty much the same, especially since Cerberus guards it just like in mythology. Whether there is a River Styx is still up for debate.

can someone find me a doctor please....my sides seem to have exploded.

please, help...seriously, theres blood everywhere, my mum had a heart attack, my dad has slipped in the blood and bashed his head on the table and my dog is trying to eat my ribs off the floor...and the walls....and the ceiling.

Would you ever do another one?

This has got to be one of the greatest things I have ever read

bep #46 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · 3 ·


First of all, because the wormhole is in their body, there is a limit on how fast they can bring energy through.

Second, I'm sorry, I meant star wars, here's what I meant. It's an alternate set of spatial dimensions that works like the nether in Minecraft, where you go so-and-so many times farther in hyperspace than in realspace. As in immaterial, I take it to mean not normal spatial dimensions. Maybe it's a sort of mindscape which is the manifestation of the pony mind on a magical plane, making the realms of minds, dreams and hyperspace to be the same, kind of like Warhammer 40K.


Classic Pinkie.

I'm glad you approved. That's one of my favorite scenes, and was one of the first I came up with, along with the Applejack scene.

Thank you!


Yes, this was a satire of multiple things all at once. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Always nice to get comments that could be quotes from the back of a paperback book or DVD. :twilightsmile:

Gotta capture the zeitgeist!

EDIT: Wow, I didn't realize Blink was being featured by the RCL today. That makes the timing even more perfect.

I thought it would be nice to put a little twist on the usual version of the tale.

6163850 Wow, thanks for taking the time to do that! I appreciate it! :pinkiesmile: Now to actually read the story and see what this is all about...

Well, that was fun. And good to see, Twilight, put a stop to, Rarity's, teasing. Seriously, I hate TEASING!
It's like sexual bullying! Not cool!

Twilight is a good pony!:moustache::ajsmug::twilightsmile:

Thank you. :3
Oh, happy 4th of July.

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