Better Lairs and Landscaping

by Titanium Dragon


Day 371094

Lord Tirek sat in his prison of steel and stone, staring out across the hellish landscape. "Ah, another lovely day in Tartarus," he whispered to himself. "Yes, a lovely day indeed." He slammed his fists into the walls of his cage, but as with the last hundred thousand times, so it was with this; the bars held, unmoved by his strength and power.

He laughed bitterly. Strength and power indeed; he had grown old and weak. Without magic to sustain him, locked away in a cell that sapped away his power by the day, time was his greatest enemy. His brother had abandoned him, and the ponies had left him here to rot. They would not kill him; they did not need to. Time would do their dirty work for them.

"No! I, Lord Tirek, refuse to die here, alone and forgotten!" He grasped the bars in his hands and pulled, but they held fast, not shifting even a hair. The watchdog, Cerberus, did not even turn to see if its charge was escaping. Lord Tirek's lips curled as he leered at himself in disgust; so pathetic, his guardian did not even need to guard against his escape.

"Foolish dog. When I am gone, what will Celestia do with you then? What will become of you?" He reached his arm out of the cage to shake his fist down at the beast, but it paid him no mind; it had been a long time since it had snapped at his fingers every time he reached out.

It mattered not. Someday, Lord Tirek would escape, and those ponies would pay for what they had done. He would have their magic, and they would cower at his hooves, begging him for—

"Hello!"

He stumbled backwards from the bars of his prison at the sound of a voice that was not his own. His head turned, eyes flickering as they scanned the heavens for the source, only to focus on a gray mare hovering just over the top of his cage.

"Ah, what is this?" Tirek's eyes narrowed at her from beneath his cloak. "A pegasus, come to see me? Is she here to mock? Or help?"

"Uhm," the mare said, landing outside of the cage and poking at the smooth stone with her hoof. He could see there was something wrong with her; a certain cast to her eyes. One focused here, the other there, as if she could not decide where to look. "Nope! Mail!"

"Mail?" Tirek stepped forward as the mare bent her head back, nosing through her saddlebags before pulling out a thin pamphlet, almost like a book. "You traveled to Tartarus, passed by the three-headed guardian at the gates of Hades, simply to deliver... this?"

"Yup!" she said, the thing tumbling from her mouth, falling, fetching up against the side of the cage, the mare looking mournful as she stared down at it. What a useless creature.

Shaking his head, he leaned forward, reaching out between the bars to grasp the thing between his fingers, pulling it inside. The cover was a beautiful thing, a picture of a garden, alive with flowers of yellow, blue, and white, shimmering in the dull light of the underworld.

"Lairs and Landscaping?" he muttered, his eyes flicking across the cover.

"Oops! I was supposed to give you this."

Lord Tirek looked up; she had a small card grasped in her mouth, covered in fine, neatly printed writing. He leaned forward to take it from her, holding it up, flipping it around in his hand.

Congratulations Mr. LORD TIREK! You have won a free one-year subscription to Better Lairs and Landscaping, Equestria's premier magazine on better living! Ponies all across Equestria subscribe to Better Lairs and Landscaping to improve the look and value of their homes. The experts on our writing staff have years of expertise working to improve the finest palaces in all of Equestria. From Sapphire Shores' summer home in Las Pegasus to the Royal Palace in Canterlot, our staff can help you with inexpensive tips and tricks...

"Is this foolishness what passes for humor amongst ponies?" Lord Tirek roared as he hurled the magazine back towards the pegasus, the folded pages making a loud thump as they struck the bars. The mailmare squeaked, stumbling backwards before taking to the air. "I will not be mocked!"

The mailmare stumbled away from the cage, tripping over her own hooves before righting herself and quickly fleeing as Lord Tirek raged.