• Member Since 16th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 18th, 2015

SacredSturgeon


E

Their Royal Highnesses Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna gather for cake and tea with the living embodiment of chaos. Discord tells everything there is to tell about his past - when he came to Equestria, how he first met Celestia and Luna and how he attempted to make their lives harder - with some special emphasis on the parts that make Celestia vaguely uncomfortable. He loves those parts.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

“Tia!” Luna said. “Are you all right?”

Oh Luna, when will stop being a big 5 year old?

When someone sets out to box the history of a character such as Discord into a mere short story, it's not often their efforts bear fruit. In this case, while the story itself definitely needs some work and the fruit is unlike anything I've ever seen, you have somehow succeeded. Partially. We'll call it a moral victory as well as proof that even Discord can be put in a box, provided that box is crafted from comedy and hinged with humor.

While this story was told almost entirely through dialogue (and what seems to be Discord speaking in the third person during each flashback?), I can't really fault it for that. I was actually reminded of the "Fletch" books. And the Fletch books would often have only one "he/she said" for every ten lines of dialogue. For the most part you demonstrate strong character voices, or at least distinctive voices. Unfortunately I can and will fault you for such passages as:

The two alicorns soared at Discord.

Celestia banked to the left. “Solar Flare!”

Luna banked to the right. “Meteor Storm!”

A lance of pure light shot from Celestia’s horn directly at Discord. At the same time, dozens of shining orbs rained down from the sky, converging on Discord’s location.

(a note: the joke of "maybe we shouldn't call out our attacks" is as old as the hills, and since no character in MLP has ever actually called their attacks, it falls short here)

And

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Luna said. “Once my wings return, we do a flyover of the area to scan for any ponies that might not have managed to flee the area. We evacuate anypony we come across. Then, we shall make this fiend taste the true power of the Rulers of the Day and Night.

Two minutes later, they were airborne again. The swept over the area in seconds, too fast for even Discord to react.

“All clear,” Celestia said.

“All clear here too,” Luna replied.

“Then let us make that monster pay!”

In both of the above passages, as in several others, there is lot of telling and not a lot of showing. The dialogue was your strength, but sometimes it was just plain cheesy.

Gorgonzola, to be exact.

Seriously though, your story needs editing. One major failing is that all the characters devolve into talking heads when dialogue is employed in this manner. That's fine for when they're all sitting at a table eating teakettles and drinking crumpets, but not so fine during action scenes, and doubly not-fine for Discord. Obviously you shouldn't go so far as to describe him doing something wacky every time he speaks, but there are few other things you could try.

Twilight, unfortunately, came across as flat and brain-dead. She cried once, which felt forced. And then she was fine again. Cadance came across slightly stronger, but the fact remains that both of these characters were only present so Discord and the Princesses would have a reason to tell their story (and also to split the burden of asking questions). At least Cadance was part of a few of Discord's real zingers.

In short, this story felt like a first or second draft. But... I'm glad I powered through the awkward early scenes (it must be admitted that the opening was fun, but didn't exactly incite confidence). Once young Celie and Luna appeared and I realized you've probably read the Journal of the Two Sisters............ there was no stopping. I had to read it all.

Fave-ing purely because of the scene where Celestia and Luna tell their version of Discord's potty-break. My laughter sundered the heavens.

Four hundred years just for the shapeliness of Celestia’s butt? :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Yep. Butts are magic. Maybe Celestia should hypnotize Discord into submission by her shapely rear end?

The story is good. Like really good. I should especially note your jokes, you do can make things funny and know where you should or should not put a joke. Sure, some technical things were edgy, but in general this is a very good Dislestia with a lot of unopened potential.

While I can't fault your style, your content, I think this summarizes my opinion:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I didn't feel like the footnotes were really all that funny, and being funny is the only reason I can tolerate dealing with them on this site. Still, you had the presence of mind to include Tibbles, so I can't hate this.

Well that was funny. It's a nice, short take on Discords being. I probably would've liked to read more, a lot more, about those centuries he traveled with Tia and Luna, but I try not to be too greedy.

The footnotes were... an interesting attempt, though I don't feel like they really paid off. Most of the time, they felt more annoying than really funny, since I had to scroll up and down and then up again, trying to find the last line I read before. Something like that might work with a real book.

Still, it was entertaining to see how the princesses deal with Discords antics.

Thank you.

Wait hold on Cadance had boyfriends like Discord before she met "Shiny", haha. Oh my God! Shiny! That is too rich! :rainbowlaugh:

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