maxxxxxx
Joined 3rd Nov, 2013 ·
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maxxxxxx · 15k words · 52 13 · 1.9k views
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That was pretty sweet.
A few spelling errors here and there, but nothing too bad.
i kinda want an epilogue where twilight and rainbow find out that they were set up, and decide to play a prank on them for revenge. the prank wold be they pretend to hate each other after another date night.
4295474 yea, this was a story for a competition and had to be 8000 words, I'm thinking of doing a few sequels to this depending on how it's received and that sounds like a great idea for the next part.
4295513 i'm also reading another one of your stories, 'Essence of a Sunrise.' loving that one as well! every story of yours that i've rad has been amazing. keep up the good work!
4295520 oh, you read it's prequel right? I'm fairly certain i remember seeing a comment from you on it.'That which makes up a Rainbow':
4295525 i did. that was a very interesting story. one part of me always wanted to hug her and make the whole thing stop, but every time it revealed more and more about who she really was, i also wanted to just sit back and enjoy the show. very riveting.
Just a couple of formatting issues:
Wan't should be just want.
Is this meant to be on two lines?
'To' needs a double 'o' in this case; 'Too'
Again, double 'o'; 'Too'
You missed out the K; 'walking'
What about "“Looks like it worked.” Applejack said with a satisfied smile, as she and her friends watched Twilight and Dash disappear into the bakery.
Otherwise, great story!
4295536 Well I'm happy you could enjoy another one of my stories. I'm not sure how far you are in sunrise but it's getting intense and nearing the end. If you liked those, you should check out an OC story I'm doing. It's not getting much attention but it's still a good story. If you like sad reads i recommend it. if you feel like reading it it's City of Dreams
4295622 Thanks bunches, I think i got them all now
4295773 i actually finished it, and now i'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter! and i'll give it a look-see.
Lovely story, I would gladly read an epilogue if you were to make one, since it seems like there's a room for it.
I thought that it was quite good. I'll eagerly await a possible epilogue.
Too not to.
Won't not wont.
What will she think?
That's not that.
Great story.
4299467 Thanks bunches for pointing those out, i really appreciate it. I'll get then fixed up right away
I'm all aboard for this epilogue bandwagon.
if only I could finnish my entry for the compotition... oh well, this was nice and sweet.
4300951 Oh you couldn't finish
I was looking forward to reading what you came up with too.
4301021 I'm not out till that last day has past, I still have three days, and even if I dont make it I'll keep writing.
I read the first paragraph and liked your story. It's a beautiful style, truly!
Don't mean to be rude... but I read the competition rules. It said between 2,000 and 8,000 words... r u over the limit?
4302547 i cleared it with the Surry and the judges, it's only 7880 words when i typed it, but fimfiction counts words differently and, without me adding any words on upload, it counted it to 8179. It always does that, they understand. Don't worry, you're not being rude
4301606 Makes me super happy to hear that
I'm glad you enjoyed it so much
That is a nice story, though it feels sort of... forced?
4303675 how so?
4303725 Their thoughts about each other seem to come to their heads a bit too randomly. So, yeah, twillight saw Rainbow flying towards Sweet Apple Acres. Big deal. Why would she stop and think about her and her possible thoughts about Twillight having a date today? No reason. Just random. Like if it has been set up in their heads.
I understand that you're trying to imply that they already have been having the hidden feelings towards each other, but that's what we find out only at the very end. So, during the process of reading this story, it seems forced to me.
4303740 Fair enough, i can see where you come from on that. though my intention was to make it feel as natural as possible, with latent feelings bubbling up as considering their romantic lives or lack there of brought them forth. I suppose i could have done better, Thanks for pointing that out though, sorry it didn't really do it for you.
4303763 If you'd like to do it THAT way, maybe you should have considered writing a few chapters, where we could see their feelings from very beginning. How it all has started in their hearts, I mean.
A good story, though it did feel a bit forced. As if the characters were on rails, if that makes any sense. Regardless, an epilogue would be right up the alley for this story, and you'd be able to do one without a problem once your contest is over.
4303791 I'm thinking of turning this into a trilogy actually. Anyway, I'm particularly disappointed that i left a "Forced" Impression. This is my first non-tragedy romance story and i had hoped to do it properly seeing as how i primarily read TwiDash fluff. I'll take this as a leaning experience and make the next parts better.
This was... alright. There were several spelling and grammar mistakes that interrupted the flow of the story, and the story was very cliche. Also, how does Rainbow just go from saying that twi is nothing more than a friend to spilling her heart out to her at the end of the story? Also, you have Twi get messy, and then you have Dash get messy. Those situations are just too similar, and it felt like you were really forcing yourself to write this.
Romance takes time, buddy, sometimes a whole lot longer than 8k words. Keep at it, you're doing a whole lot better than most writers out there, and with time comes experience.
4302547 Yup; my thoughts exactly. The only glaring problem with this story is how forced the implications that they already had feelings for each other are. Like PicturePerfectPony said, their thoughts need to be spurred on by something, not just a random event that they feel strangely compelled to equate to their present situations. Also, I feel like Rainbow's realization of her feelings towards Twi and her confession all happened way too fast. Other than that, it was a great story and I'm certain you'll improve over time!
4305054
I tried to fit too much into a short story. Given that this is like my 12th story is should have done better. I do hope you both come back and read the sequel when it's up, no doubt your advice will help make the next parts better. 
4304567 You're right
4305469 I'll definitely be there!
Personally, I think it wasn't that you tried to fit too much in, but that you spent too much time on the build up (Twilight's interaction with Fluttershy and Dash's interaction with Applejack), rather than the shipping itself, considering this is a shipfic. However, I can understand how it would be hard to pace a story like this; starting off at your own pace, only to realize you've already spent 80% of your word budget.
At this point, I think the main thing you need to avoid is having your stories be too contrived. In other words, while you're writing your story, stop and think: Could this whole situation really happen purely by chance? The more unlikely it seems, the more unrealistic the story is, because it seems like the whole scenario was set up by someone - the author. That's basically what "contrived" means. My best advice at this point is to pay more attention to the feasibility of your plots, and when you find something that seems "fake" or "set up", try to squeeze something in earlier in the story that could help explain why it is happening or make it feel more possible.
Anyway, keep up the good work!
Personally I thought the build was was something out of a comedy and I thought it was funny and very adorable at the end.
4304567
Yep. Too many errors and odd/repetitive grammatical constructs for me to get out of the first couple of paragraphs. I'm just picky like that. Sorry.
4310753 What are you apologizing to me for?
4310775
Sorry, though I quoted your post to agree with it, my comment was directed more generally. As for the presence of an apology at all, well, I'm a Fluttershy. Apologizing is what I do.
4310753 um, would you possibly mind telling me what "repetitive/odd grammar constructs" I used? I'd like to avoid putting off readers if i could help it and your feed back would be greatly appreciated.
4311536
Alright, here goes. I took the things that tripped me up in those first few paragraphs, and added either descriptions of what bothered me or of any suggestions I might have.
I assume this is intended to be something similar to "The gentle light of early morning", but the original phrasing is awkward at best. Also, in this context, "days" probably needs an apostrophe (i.e. it is the day's light we're talking about), but I'd really just rewrite this to be clearer.
Who is the pronoun "her" referring to in this sentence? We aren't introduced to the subject until the fourth sentence in the paragraph. Also, "the" should be "its" here, as I am assuming the "warm glow" is supposed to be emitted from the "gentle light".
A minor nitpick, but I'd prefer one of the three following: 1) remove "Slowly", 2) use a comma to separate "Slowly" and "she stirred", 3) Reverse the order so that it reads "She stirred slowly".
This is the repetition I was referring to. These two sentences both begin with the "Slowly" phrasing. Also, "sitting up out of" is odd. I'd suggest "sitting up on" instead.
I find this, again to be a slightly odd description. "gave her forelimbs...", maybe?
The two bolded phrases are repetitive to me; nothing is lost by removing the second description and just allowing Twilight to turn to the calendar (spelling error in original)
The sentence just ends there. There's clearly another thought that's supposed to follow it.
Please, be consistent. Three places, three different ways of writing out "twenty-second"
Comma between hoof and she.
Comma between suddenly and her.
"to alertness" is, again, slightly unusual. You could say "pricked alertly" or just leave off the descriptor altogether.
Burying spoken words in a paragraph impedes readability, in my opinion. New line here, please. Also, "She" should be lowercase ("she")
The clause [that had entangled it's self on her hind leg] is inserted in the midst of the phrase "Kicking the sheet off", and makes the sentence hard to read. Also, "it's self" should be "itself". I'd suggest rewriting similar to "Kicking the sheet off her entangled hind leg" or "She hurriedly kicked the sheet off her hind leg, which had become entangled as she sprung off the bed".
"spikes" should be "Spike's".
This is a fragment, as there is no verb. I think it also could use better connection with the prior sentence, either by combining the two: "Twilight turned towards Spike's bed, but the baby dragon was still asleep, despite her raucous awakening". or by adding some description: "Twilight turned towards Spike's bed, her eyes full of worry. Thankfully, the baby dragon was still asleep, despite her raucous awakening." Also, I've left "the baby dragon" in there, but it really could be replaced by "Spike" or "he" to avoid perceptions of LUS.
This is a question. You could use an interrobang "What time is it!?" to show emphasis, but it needs the question mark.
Okay, so that's a bit more feedback than I'd have intended to leave, but I hope you find it helpful. If I've given any inaccurate advice, I'm sure the Internet will be quick to correct me
4312211 Thanks, I really appreciate the in depth critique and all the advice.
I'm going to go an fix all that up tonight and give it a re-read just to be sure.
Ultimately, this story didn't work for me, but I have to give you credit: you actually made the repressed feelings angle work. Far too many shippers use that as a cheap excuse to get two ponies together, but in this story, I could believe that not only were they realistically transitioning from a friendly relationship to a romantic one, but that it's a relationship that could last. Unfortunately, I just couldn't believe that their friends would manipulate them emotionally like that.
4323064 Well, there's a reason behind the manipulation so i may do a prequel, but i have some good plans on where to take this story. I do hope you stick around for more
Aside from a few grammatical issues, not bad, maxxxxxx! Twi's and Rainbow's antics gave me a couple of fits of the giggles. I loved that their first date started off with them both messy and exasperated; it shows them that they don't have to change or improve just because their relationship has gone to the next level.
That said, it seemed a bit forced and the Twidash at the end was too sudden. The internal monologues weren't enough to convince me that their feelings for each other were true, no matter what their friends said.
4325150 ya know... I got a lot of comments about how the relationship felt forced... but all they really did was hug. I'm not saying anyone is wrong, had i more time and more experience with this sort of story surely i could have done better, but most of the admission of having feelings for the other was internal. I don't know, it seemed like it made it balanced to me. Anyway, thanks for the comment and thank you for reading
4325349
It just seemed as though they hugged for no reason. Well, not no reason, but not enough to start a relationship on either. You're right, though; with time and experience, I think you'll blossom into quite the writer. Just keep working and I'm sure things will work out in the future!
You did say that this wasn't your typical fare. If that's the case I'll have to give another of your stories a shot! I suppose I should bump 'That Which Makes Up a Rainbow' up my reading list.
4325426 Oh i hope you do!
I consider that to be my best story i've written along with Exiled. I hope you like sad stories, that's more where my strengths lie 
4325441
I adore sad stories. Just ask 'Miss Sparkle'.
4303791
I've gotta agree with Vertorm here. It did indeed feel forced, and the main reason why is because of the thoughts. The thoughts seem contrived, not natural. No normal person thinks that way, and really, this whole romance idea is pretty similar to the majority of all anime romances. At least, they are similar in handle.
Either way, I did enjoy the split narrative. That was a great decision. I enjoyed the read.
4326514 ... well, i was hoping to avoid hearing some thing like that. In most cases anime romance sucks. (minus the really good ones like Clannad or Spice and Wolf). Well, live and learn. I'll just do better next time. Thanks bunches for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed some of it
Just on premise alone, I look forward to reading this.
Even though reading all these stories within a time frame is going to be hell in a hand basket... 