• Member Since 3rd Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 17th, 2017

maxxxxxx


T

We were friends.
We were heroes.
Then, we were lovers.
We followed our hearts, and in doing so we became traitors. Now we'll run.
Why is it wrong? Can there really only be one way to love, and all others are wrong? Most importantly, why are we hated for love?

Be sure to check out my spin off story to this one (Eyes Unclouded)

Many thanks to my awesome editor pinkiepie17

(image by Jykinturah from deviant art)

Chapters (18)
Comments ( 148 )

Hmm, the description was interesting... but the chapter was boring... VERY boring. Maybe it will improve, I won't know as I don't plan to follow this, that's how important the first chapter is for hooking potential readers.

3520075 oh, i'm sorry to hear that. I thought of taking the story slow to build atmosphere. Anyway i do hope you change your mind, I have good plans for this story. I hope you check back in :fluttershysad:

Definitely a poor start for an adventure, but decent writing.

There just wasn't enough here to gain my interest. Also it didn't really flow well. Sorry no fav or like from myself :rainbowwild:

hmm, slow start, but i'll watch it because i'm in love with twidash and i really wanna see where this goes. and i strongly suggest others do the same! this story is well written, just kinda slow to start. i'd fav and see if it picks up.

3520844 I'm happy you enjoyed my story :twilightsmile: I didn't think it was really all that slow especially since i wanted to build a more realistic deep relationship between Dash and Twi. You wont regret sticking with this story though as things will pick up next chapter.

FYI, I suspect your tag choices aren't doing you any favors in terms of story reception. Is this really a tragedy, or did you just tag it that because the idea of them not being accepted is "tragic?" Is this really going to have gore, or is there just going to be some violence? It's perfectly fine to have fighting (even fairly intense fighting) and not need the gore tag; the gore tag isn't needed until you start getting details about blood spatters, dismemberment, and the more disgusting aspects of fighting.

3521721 All my tags are relevant, the only one that might not be as important is the adventure tag

3521721 it will all come together before the story ends

yeah, still slow. ok, i have deduced that this is going to be one of those 'gotta be patient' stories. i'll still watch it, but i can't say the same for the others.

Okay (Good than)

what the fuck, twilight?!

OH YOU BITCH I WANT TO SLAP YOU SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW!

3537003 Twilight, of course! Dash is best pony, and deserves way better treatment than that!

3537635 i felt so bad for Dash as i was writing this! but i know how the story ends so it made it okay

3537728 it's times like this that i really envy the writers...

3537732 it wont be a long wait, i'm pumping out at least three new chapters a week

3537746 best news i've heard all week.

cant wait for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

3539019>>3537798 ya, i decided that im going to do an update tonight/this morning (it's all the same to me) enjoy

Sorry readers about the incompleteness of my last chapter "Regret". The very last part was left out, (i copy pasted poorly) but i fixed it so now you can enjoy the full chapter! :raritystarry:

i like story's that take there time and build up the emotions of it all, it makes it much more satisfying ,your quite the writer cant wait for the next chapter ^^

3544354 the next chapter will be done in an hour or so, and I think it's my most eventful chapter yet. Enjoy the ending by the way because i'm swamped with work this week so this will be my last update for a few days

Huh? what going on

3545474 oh, i can't wait till my next chapter! hopefully it's soon :scootangel:

3545462 sh*t's hit the fan, that's what's going on. It will be a slippery slope from here on

Prepare your body.
Another Cerulean Review is incoming...

Awwwwwww shiiiiiiiiiet.
How will RD ever recover?

This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.

Name of Story: Then We'll Run

Grammar score (out of ten): 4

Pros:

1) You're pretty good at building up a sense of hope and good feeling, only to have these feelings immediately crushed. Nicely done. :raritydespair:
2) I like that you had Twilight actually consider the possibility of a same-sex relationship, based on logical thinking and weighing up of pros and cons. That just seems so much like a thing that she would do. :twilightblush:
3) I commend you for having the balls to write a story in which everypony is not just immediately accepting of Rainbow and Twilight's intentions. In fact, far from it. Well done for putting them in a world where s/s relationships are still not only frowned upon, but flat out illegal. This has my interest. :trixieshiftright:

Cons:

1) While you have gotten measurably better since your previous story that I reviewed, your grammar still needs a serious facelift. :facehoof:
2) For being tagged as an adventure and a tragedy, it has a very slow start. I'm aware that this will be a longer story, but even in those, you need to really capture your audience in the first or—by the very latest—the second chapter. :unsuresweetie:
3) Even though it seems like s/s is illegal in this universe, I still think that Celestia's first move against her new princess would be something other than arresting her. I imagine she would try to at least talk to Twilight about it first. :trollestia:
4) (I'm so sorry about this) The beginning of the story just felt incredibly flat and telly. There was nothing left to the imagination. :ajsleepy:

Notes: I really am genuinely interested in where this is leading. With this latest development (chapter 6 for future reference and future readers), the sad and tragedy tags are kinda beginning to feel like they might have a place. I really can't see how their current situation is adventure-related, though. The title of the story suggests that Twilight and Rainbow will refuse to be taken in, instead choosing to flee from everypony who would condemn them. Even this seems kinda sketchy though, as an adventure usually involves much discovering of new places, driving characters far outside their comfort zones, building relationships while doing so...

Hang on, this may very well be on the cards.

Anyway, my point is that (as of yet), the adventure tag doesn't yet seem all that necessary. This is due to the pacing you've set, which is actually pretty slow. Had you written three 3000 word chapters, or two 4500 word chapters, it'd be fine. I get the feeling that you're a little too eager to punch out chapters, in an effort to keep readers interested. News-flash: if you take the time to actually sit down and think about everything (including story, structure etc.) before publishing, your readers will be more than willing to wait for updates. You're under absolutely no obligation to anyone to get this out as fast as possible. Take your time, make this the best you can be and the fans will keep reading, as well as thank you for it. Generally, most people are perfectly fine with waiting a week between updates. Many of the more highly rated and epic stories sometimes go many weeks between updates, but they're so captivating that they still retain their readers. Prime example: Book of Days just updated after ten weeks and I couldn't be more excited. :pinkiehappy:

The way that you made Rainbow all giddy with joy at the idea of asking Twilight out, then getting paranoid about her reply, only to have that "leave." line as a reward, was very well done. As I said at the end of chapter three, "Awwwwwww shiiiiieit." I can only imagine that was the reaction you were hoping for. Let me tell you, if that's the case, you definitely succeeded. When Twilight wrote the letter to Celestia, all happy and giddy-like about the situation, I actually had a feeling of fore-shadow about her reply. I called her response before I even scrolled down, but that still didn't really lessen the impact of the situation. You've a great way of making me personally feel like I've just been lassoed back to Earth after reaching cloud nine. (Interestingly, that sounds just like something Rainbow would say) :rainbowkiss:

You're definitely a decent writer, but you really need to get a handle on your grammar. Too many times did I see missing 's'es, missing/misplaced commas, forsaken capital letters and incorrect homophones (you're/your, they're/their/there and my personal pet HATE, lose/loose. Loose is the opposite of tight, not the opposite of find). Like I said, you're definitely improving with time; there are fewer mistakes with every chapter you write. But you really need a pre-reader/editor who can not only fix your work, but also tell you and show you exactly what you're doing wrong. Having an editor isn't just about being confident that they'll fix your mistakes, but it's also about learning from them how not to make the same mistakes again. :twilightsmile:

Please. Please, I beg of you, try to make your story less "telly" and more "showy". Write us into a situation, but don't describe absolutely everything about the setting or the characters' emotions. Let us conjure up our own mental images.

As with your other story, I shall continue to keep an eye on it, but you only earn my upvote of confidence for now. You'll get the favourite when I can see that you've fixed this up a little. Enlist some help and make it the best it can be, because I do like where it's going.

Here, have a follow. I want to measure your (hopeful) improvement. :eeyup:

I hope you enjoy your review. I eagerly await your counter-review of Keeper of the Crystal Heart. :yay:

interesting. some small mistakes in the body, but i liked it so far:eeyup:

Comment posted by maxxxxxx deleted Nov 29th, 2013

3552970 Im happy you are enjoying my story :twilightsmile:

so what did you all think of my latest chapter? :twilightsmile:

I loved this chapter, well written, great plot, and that touching moment at the end from rainbow just simply marvellous .
And with that I await the next one. :pinkiehappy:

I liked it ^^ though it get abit short but that's probably because ive finished reading a story with very long chapters.

3570449 my chapters are going to be getting steadily longer because i'm working more shifts i can't update as often so i'm going to do longer chapters to compensate. by the way, there will be a surprise next chapter

3570708...

Not my cup of tea for fan-fictions, but I can offer some literary advice.

Longer chapters are, for the most part, a positive sign for both the writer and the reader audience. Taking the time to put out a longer chapter (generally speaking, 3000+ words per chapter, if not more) does at least two things...

First, for the Author.... It generally shows that the Author has put in the time + effort to write something worthwhile out. It also generally gives the word-count toward describing the details and emotions involved, which is an important factor for stories such as this.

Second, for the reader-audience... A healthy word-count generally shows the reader-audience that there is something worthwhile to read, and that draws in readers. It also serves as a literary "shield" for the Author; the reader-audience may not particularly "like" the story itself, but they will often at least respect the Author for clearly putting in the time + effort towards writing.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

There is an old literary writing axiom...

"Don't rush. Don't delay."

"Don't rush." ~ This means you do not force yourself (or let others intimidate you) to put out a chapter until you are at least 80% satisfied for its length, content, and quality. The last being the most important; readers arguing over what you wrote is fine, but readers complaining about your technical writing kills your story quick.

"Don't delay." ~ This is the very important counter-balance to "Don't rush." Do not get bogged down in procrastination, distractions, endless revisions/refinements/detailing, or other things that keep you from putting out chapters in due time. Also do not be stalled out for releases because you do not feel your work is "100%" (note "quotations"). Many writers fall prey to this seductive lure and honeyed trap of Slothfulness, and wind up losing their readers from sheer time and loss of interest.

.

Hope this helps.

Wonderfully awesome chapter :twilightsmile: keep up the good work I cant wait to read what happens next. :rainbowkiss:

3582208 thank you for the advice, i'm pretty inexperienced as a writer but i'm working my way up in chapter length. I hope to be doing 3000+ word chapter with in my next couple updates. Sorry my story didn't hit the spot for you though im glad you took the time to read it and give me feed back. :twilightsmile:

3582212 okay readers, here is the surprise at the bottom of the box! I am going to start a spin off story to this one following the trials and tribulations of Applejack through the events of "Then We'll Run"! I will post it hopefully next week. Keep an eye out. The title will be "Eyes Unclouded"

O boy this is going to interesting :twilightblush::heart::rainbowkiss:

0.o and the story grows more and more interesting

I would have let them be imprisoned a little longer, say a day or two, with Celestia coming by ever so often.
Other than that this story has me quite intrigued.

Oh, and tyrant Celestia :pinkiehappy:

3614402 once you get past chapter 8 you should check out the spin off i have in the description, i have been hinting at a lot of things since the first chapter... foreshadowing is fun

Hmmm....

Let us see.

The plot is good, the romance great,

but the grammar truly is second rate,

and the use of repeated adjectives is a mood killer, as well.

You also seem to be very anvilicious when it comes to angst. It works better to give them a hope spot for a bit, and then hit them hard with one truly hard bit of bad.

All in all, I am truly interested in this story. I have read stories that are hundreds of years old, the slightly wonky grammar some complained about is almost unnoticeable to me.

I shall see you next chapter! :twilightsmile:

(Oh, and if you want a beta, I am free to fix grammar and spelling. If ya want.)

3620712 I did a run through editing session and fixed up my grammar and spelling errors

I shall read later kinda busy at the moment but i need to say this the title of this story reminds me of million dollar house ( the painter) a beautiful song and im sure this is a great story and i will read it

3644410 thank's :twilightsmile: i hope you enjoy the story, when you get a chance

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