The Abyss
Joined 22nd Nov, 2012 ·
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Woo Hoo! New story!
inb4skeeter
O_O
COVER ART!!!
Dang, definitely one of the better RomCom fics I've seen on this site in a loooong time! Love it. Funny, but playful. What a tease, dammit.
Again, though, LOVE IT.
Huh? Granny Smith joined the fun?
3908230
Don't do that.
Read the story first, boy.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3908248 No.
3908243 Thanks!
3908367 No prob, I've always loved your works! :D
It's been a while since a clop-fic made me laugh. I love the scenario AJ was forced into. I love the banter, the squishy sex, everything.
This gets an upvote.
3908350
Goodness... Because the clop scene continued
Ooh, this was so well written and I just bursted out laughing because of Granny Smith. Please do continue this! It's just too wonderful!
There is a "be" missing between these words.
This sentence seems oddly phrased.
Who's a sexy pony?
You're a sexy pony!
Who is?
You is, Applejack!
This was quite good. Although it was a little jarring when you went from dressing Applejack to the store without warning. But that is just me nitpicking. You have earned the coveted rare Applejack ahegao.
KBO.
3908284 M'kay
Another job well done.
imageshack.com/a/img819/6912/9ld.gif
One last, tiny, insignificant nitpick, then I can sleep in peace tonight:
This should be "one another."
This is some high-quality porn, I tell you what.
Y u no put source for image
Hot. I didn't feel that the Granny Smith interruption really added anything to the story, though.
Then I noticed this line in your author's profile: "Write what you know, and do not try to write that which you do not know." Right next to this story. Your poor grandmother...
3909158 Huh. Thought I already did that... Thanks for catching that!
3909173 Lol that's not what that means. What it does mean is that you should try to write something you know nothing about. For me, I know nothing about watersports or food fetishes, so you'll never see me attempt them.
3909187 Gotcha. You don't know watersports or food fetishes. But exhibitionism with your grandparents, you've got that covered.
Yeah, I know that's not what was meant by that line. But who doesn't enjoy reading a little too far into things?
That was way too kinky and hot!
I'm not usually a fan of this ship, but I'm really enjoying the comedy and situations of this story.
Oh Applejack you master detective.
How could you possibly see through that masterful ruse?
3908284
Speak of the lurker...
I expected Granny Smith to have a heart attack like in American Pie: Naked Mile.
....I'm back here again? ...Celestia damn it...Oh well, might as well read anyways...
That was preaty good. It had a good plot and nice description. Any more chapters?
3910707 Granny- ya'll should have seen the thigns yer old Granny got herself inot when she was Applejack's age.
3910849 a nice plot and nice description?
I see what you did there...
Sexy start!
Can't wait for more! 
Very nice, can't wait for the next installment
Yay for kinky Appledash!
I need somebody to explain to me how you get your stories on the friggin home page
3912939
Step 1. Followers
Step 2. Porn
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Success
3913536 I love you Abyss, I swear to Celestia, but how the hail are you getting so many damn followers for people editing your clop fics
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdi4tkMhAz1qc0elj.png
Futa?
It's a shame.
If you wrote any other genre you wouldn't get the praise you do-
Oh wait, you also wrote that mindless 1205 words explaining the cover art in To Woo A Princess. Well, that was disgustingly popular, I will admit.
Well, I suppose I'm painfully wrong, insofar as being wrong about this is physically painful to me.
Your story is in horrific violation of "Show, don't tell" at the very least.
For example. That's a whole series of conflicted emotions, complicated issues and cognitive dissonance right there. All summed up with the equivalent of a literary "meh".
There's no subtlety. Look, I may not be subtle, either, but you need to prove you can be subtle before you choose not to be. Explore the concept, even if it's just in thee little ways she reacts, or doesn't. Slight changes in demeanor or behavior. Little things... not just "But that's what happened, ok?"
The actual subject matter is fine. The framework? Fine. The characters were flat as hell, though. Here's the thing: If you can replace Rainbow Dash's name with any other pegasii's and still not affect anything, you've written the character flat. If you hadn't used her name at all I would have guessed Rainbow Dash from context and process of elimination... but not once from her personality.
Okay, so, Dash just 'knows' she's a switch before any of the experimentation? Applejack shows dominance and has Dash ask her to be rough, but Rainbow Dash starts off being the dom the next night without warning and she just rolls with it?
Look, I get you're operating on porn logic, but there are such huge, jarring leaps here it's ridiculous. What's more it's wasted potential for much, much more interesting storytelling.
Don't say "In addition". Go through Dash picturing herself on top and on bottom and drooling over both. Have her be struck by indecision in a way that's definitively Dash. Have AJ pick for her in a way that's quintessentially Applejack. Have RD reinforce her dominance as soon as AJ's weak from orgasm. Have Applejack show some sort of reluctance to being the bottom at first, since it's not what she expected.
Anything, literally anything, other than 'Oh, I guess I'll go along with this then'. Google the Pixar Rules of Storytelling, that's a majorly helpful tip as a writer.
But hey, it was sexy, and it played with some sexy ideas (even if you should never use the word 'rectum' as a sexy word. Just... don't) so most people will happily ignore it.
The heart can provide enough blood for the brain or the boner, but not both. That's fine.
But when you're writing it, well, that's no excuse.
3914076 Probably helps that this was posted to about 200 groups. All within an hour.
3914076 don't reply to me, I'm not Abyss
3910262
Problem? *Troll face*
3914897
Hardly. I find it hilarious.
and once again a really good fic
nice work abyss
3914958
O_o
I've been trolled!
3914450
3914347
No! It's Perfect classical yuri
3915793
Yep. Here's some music to go with it.
[youtube=Wx2FDyvt0gI]
3917383
Someone from deviantart told me that my artwork had been used on here. It's the first clop fiction I've ever read aaaaand... wasn't too bad. Idunno. Guess clop fics aren't my thing.
I'm flattered that you would use my artwork for a cover but please.. Before you go ahead and use someones artwork for one of your fics be sure to ask if they're okay with it (And I am fine with it.. this time) and if they are be sure they get the credit they desire. I understand some people would rather not be credited for sultry artwork.
3918312 Fair enough. I'm sorry for not asking you.