• Member Since 27th May, 2013
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https://discord.gg/HDp8sqW - I apologize if I haven't been the friend that you deserve. But I want you to know, in my way, I love you all. - Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Comments ( 5 )

You're a good man.

Celeeeeeeestiaaaaaaaa eating a BISCUIT that was some good shit!

Even though the bulk of the story focused on Rainbow and Applejack getting some macro/micro goodness getting it on, I can still pay proper props to the opening with Pinkie. Having it start with the desire to hook them up helped at life into the story, that these were the succession of events rather than one scene. Such things like that, even though she's not used or seen again, may rise the call from some to cut that scene—I enjoy how it builds the world into feeling more real rather than constructed for the sexy fun times.

Leading on from that, however.

The interaction between Rainbow Dash and Applejack scored high points of cute. The idea of them doing SUB/DOM is adorable given Rainbow's inexperience with it. That being said, there were a few stutters every now and again. At times, it felt like the work brushed over the dynamic, breathed on it, but didn't fully execute on it. But seeing them experience first times jitters was nice.

Second. The relationship between the two does the heavy lifting of the story. You nailed what would make these situations sexy, actually happenings rather than floundering in prose, but with that said, your descriptions were hit and miss at times. The use of an omniscient narrator allowed for you to reveal how both of the characters were feeling, but at the same time, the story struggles to keep grounded in perspective—keeping with one character through a particular sequence may help in resolving that issue.

Beyond that, the characters felt real and were nice, but even they could use a bit more grounding. Your voice of them was nearly spot on! Like I said, their interaction together, all the teasing, accepting of the other, and willingness to get kinky overrides most of my critique.

This story was fluffy and sexy. For your first macro story, you did far better than I ever could.

3/4. Hope to see more of your stories, Scar!
~ Yr. Pal, B

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