• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 17 hours ago

Fervidor


The Tomorrow King.

T

Cutie Mark Crusaders Time Travelers, yay! ...Wait, what?

When older versions of Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Spike appear from the future, Twilight and her friends are in for the time of their lives. The Crusaders have gone back in time on a mission that may decide the fate of time itself! They are fearless, they are resourceful, they... completely messed up right from the start, huh?

Now it's a literal race against time to set things right, as powerful enemies from the future attempt to claim the past for themselves. So join the Elements of Harmony and the Crusaders of tomorrow in an epic story of danger, hope, despair, betrayal, revenge, love and swashbuckling high adventure!

Just remember the golden rule: Time travel doesn't make sense!

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 446 )

I predict every chapter name to have something involving time in them.

Bonus points if they are all in Latin.

I actually really like this! I'm interested in seeing how this all plays out.

I do not know what possessed me to read this story. Whatever it is, I am glad it hit. Medias res was the best name for this chapter, because even though it is the start, we really are in the middle of things. I cannot comment too much on the future travelers, but they seem true enough to form from what we know about them.

Little Spike tough talking Big Spike was amazing. Not to mention that all the reactions seem very believable. Liked, favorited, and I eagerly await the next chapter. Thanks for sharing this insane idea with us.

-Lumino

”Actually,” Apple Bloom said, pointing with her hoof, ”it's kinda all her fault.”

I would expect nothing less, :pinkiehappy:

I'm curious if Spike is going to past on any tricks to his younger self and the same with the rest of them.:rainbowhuh: And for some reason I'm not surprised that Pinkie was the cause of a war.:ajbemused:

Bonus material is now available, see author's notes.

3467045

I can't promise all of them, but yeah, expect some time related titles.

3467153

Thanks. Second chapter is on its way, I just hope I can keep this up.

3467258

Glad to hear my siren song somehow lured you in. :pinkiehappy:

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3467383

Poor Pinkie. Why do people keep saying that? :pinkiesad2:

@Fervidor...

1. Clear format, no glaring/major technical writing errors, and a solid story premise. Overall, a very strong start, so well done there :yay: .

2. Just one minor literary nuance that nagged at me for the rest of the chapter (1) upon reading it. It is listed below, with two suggested changes

original...

”N-Now listen here, AJ,” Apple Bloom had started sweating now, ”Ah know this must seem really weird but Ah swear, there's a powerful good explanation for all 'a this. Ya see, the thing is that run for it!”

As one, all four of them turned on the spot and ran away, leaving a cloud of dust and two very confused ponies behind.

suggested change (#1)...

”N-Now listen here, AJ,” Apple Bloom had started sweating now, ”Ah know this must seem really weird but Ah swear, there's a powerful good explanation for all 'a this. Ya see, the thing is that- run for it!”

As one, all four of them turned on the spot and ran away, leaving a cloud of dust and two very confused ponies behind.

or (#2)...

”N-Now listen here, AJ,” Apple Bloom had started sweating now, ”Ah know this must seem really weird but Ah swear, there's a powerful good explanation for all 'a this. Ya see, the thing is that run for it!

As one, all four of them turned on the spot and ran away, leaving a cloud of dust and two very confused ponies behind.

As you can see, adding an extra bit to the "the thing is that run for it!" line, either a hyphen- or italics, helps make for a more reader-visible separation in the line, making it easier for the reader catch upon the action being done, without taking anything away from the suddenness of the spoken line. [Personally, I would use the hyphen- .]

.

3. I look forward to reading more of your fan-fiction.

+1 from me too! :D

Very cool premise! :twilightsmile:

”Ah only know two ponies who can handle these three, an' the other one's Fluttershy,” she cocked her head, ”for reasons Ah'm not entirely clear on.”

This made me giggle.

This is going to be good....
Fav'd for the aged-up Spike, just to see what antics he'll be up to. And also to see why this was placed in the 'Romance' section of the Spike Fanfictions Group. Heh. The possibilities are really quite endless for the reader. Will he catch the eye of one of his Crusader friends? Will Rarity come to appreciate Future Spike's mature appearance? Will Fluttershy be really grateful to Present Spike for his gallantry in 'rescuing' her? Will AJ buck apple trees?
See? Endless!:moustache:

Dis gonna be good. :pinkiehappy:

Why Pinkie WHYYYYYY!!!:raritycry:

This is just delightful so far. Your characterization is great and the dialog is treat to read (I'm having a very hard time not laughing hard at the Future Spike/Past Spike/Present Spike bit, and that's always awkward when reading in public). I'm also quite a fan of seeing a more adult Spike being a magic user, so that's another positive.

Definitely keeping an eye on this.

Who else but Pinkie Pie?

3468005

As you can see, adding an extra bit to the "the thing is that run for it!" line, either a hyphen- or italics, helps make for a more reader-visible separation in the line,

Bwuh? But that part is already italicized. :rainbowhuh:

Can you please do a favor to me author?

MAKE THIS STORY AS LONG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! Sequels included!

Don't say ”I love you”! Don't say ”I love you”! Scootaloo, do not say ”I love you”!
”...I'm so attracted to you right now!”
Dammit!

:rainbowlaugh:
I laughed so hard at this part. Great story so far.

Not really having anything against the story, but the way you format it sort of bugs me.

I'm used to all sorts of time travel type things since I do enjoy time travel stories because of all the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff (yes I referenced DW :twilightsheepish:) so time travel really isn't THAT confusing. Still, great story and expect it to be better in the future. :yay:

This seems an interesting story, so I think I will stay tuned for the rest.
Anyway, I find interesting that you hinted that Future Spike can use magic, cause, for all I have seen, Hasbro take a huge inspiration from Dungeons and Dragons for make the FIM dragons(cause they hoard treasures , eat gems and more old they are, more greed they gets), but i never seen, until for now, hints about dragon's magic exept for Spike magic sending fire. I like that you hinted that, then he gets older, he can perform true magic.
I also love the fact that you give a cutie mark also to him, and also your cutie marks design are simply stunning(expecialy Sweetie Belle one). Keep this good work
P.S: Sorry for the poor English. I'm not American or English.

3468689...

It is...? Hm, it is hard to tell there. Then I would suggest adding a hyphen- in addition to italics, as well.

Spike was a happy dragon...
Spike was not a happy dragon.

Don't say ”I love you”! Don't say ”I love you”! Scootaloo, do not say ”I love you”!
”...I'm so attracted to you right now!”
Dammit!

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Five out of five moustaches sir, love this story
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

Holy crap, when I started reading the story there was like 80 likes, and then when I finished and liked it myself, there was 94

3468867

Oh, just wait. It gets a lot more confusing than this. :twilightsheepish:

3468880

Thanks. Sweetie Belle's cutie mark was really tricky to get right, but then it's also my favorite of the four.

3468924
You are welcome. I wish Mine cutie mark (I mean my profile image, that will also be the actual cutie mark of my OC) is as good. But , compared with yours, it fell lame to me.:fluttercry:

This is hilarious thus far. Definitely looking forward to more. Especially Scootaloo's awkward romantic situation.

Okay, finally a CMC (and spike) story where they are grown up, have their marks, and the mane six aren't old as granny smith.
You have my attention.

This is quite the fun story so far. Three futuristic fillies team up with a demented dragon to create chronological chaos. I like the fact that the "dogfight" between Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo comes down to a challenge of speed vs. maneuverability. Sort of like a SPAD XIII vs. a Folkker Tri-plane. I am definitely looking forward to the next issue. Hopefully, someone will think to put in a call for Doctor Whooves.

OH! One final question. How can Pinky be making airplane noises since there are no airplanes in Equestria?

Well, this was an interesting start! I can't wait to see where you take this! :twilightsmile:

Ha, ha, nice! A terrific start indeed. :pinkiehappy:

When Big Spike didn't want Little Spike to touch him, I immediately assumed pretty much exactly what Little Spike did. To have that time-travel trope be subsequently addressed and subverted was hi-larious to me. :rainbowlaugh:

And a Romance tag as well? :scootangel::rainbowhuh: Hmmm...

I hope your updates for your time-travel story will be more frequent than my updates for my own. :twilightoops:

I'm with you so far, but I also adore time travel stories and consider myself well practiced at following its many nuances, so let's see how this goes. :pinkiehappy:

Glad to see this is finally up! Congrats on the ecstatic reception :pinkiehappy:

And don't tell anyone I said this, but you may want to check the very top of the feature box... like right now :trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright:

This sounds amazing. I really like the idea and you're right time travel is complicated. Best response i have to time travel as an explanation is "enough said":moustache:

This is the most promising start to any fanfic I've ever seen. Could easily become my favorite. Can't wait for an update, dude, go as fast as you can (no rush though).

Scootaloo looked up at the colorful mare holding her down. Rainbow was practically glowing from excitement, grinning her usual cocky grin and breathing heavily in a way that made Scootaloo's cheeks burn.
Don't say ”I love you”! Don't say ”I love you”! Scootaloo, do not say ”I love you”!
”...I'm so attracted to you right now!”
Dammit!

Completely lost my shit here. I see a romance tag. I can just picture Scoots flipping the hell out over Dash all the time.

:facehoof: Pinkie. It's always Pinkie's fault. We all know what would have happened if she went through the mirror in "Equestria Girls". I give the story's premise and the writing a:

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache: out of five moustaches. This is one of those rare stories that needs no editing (probably except separating the paragraph lines to make reading easier). I myself am the sole editor of Equestria, I Choose You!, and as one who loves excellent writing and good storylines and hates all kinds of writing mistakes, I am proud to say that this is going to be an excellent fanfiction. You now have an excited reader, my friend.

This is awesome! I can't wait to read more! x3

“I guess you don't remember, but I read this book once,” Spike explained, “where the villain died because he touched himself from the future, and they couldn't be in the same place at once or something like that, so they both turned into orange goop.

I'll be honest, Laughed at this quite a bit.:twilightsheepish:

3469578

Oh my god right?!

I'm so looking forward to this story!

3468924

I am so attracted to you right now.

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Could also mean this type of romance :moustache::raritywink:. I'm hoping for both for the inevitable awkwardness.

Fantastic!:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::moustache: But I don't know about making Scootaloo attracted to Rainbow Dash, seems weird.

I will be following this with interest. Love the concept. The only way it could be better than being Pinkie's fault is if somehow Fluttershy were to blame.

3470073 Yeah. Out of all the stories I've read, I'm probably looking forward most :D

3470110 It's not too weird. It's probably pretty accurate. If I were older and time traveled back to now meet my idol, I'm 90% sure I'd have a similar reaction to meeting her as Scoots did to Dash. And I'm not even a, uh, fillyfooler. So if Scoots is a fillyfooler in this fic, the feeling would probably be tripled. Just my two bits :D

I am liking where this is going. Already faved. :pinkiehappy:

and roguishly handsome in a strangely familiar way.

At this point I actually snorted milk out of my nose. For the first time in 20+ years. Damn you!:flutterrage:
Tracking this.:derpytongue2:

Scootaloo looked up at the colorful mare holding her down. Rainbow was practically glowing from excitement, grinning her usual cocky grin and breathing heavily in a way that made Scootaloo's cheeks burn.
Don't say ”I love you”! Don't say ”I love you”! Scootaloo, do not say ”I love you”!
”...I'm so attracted to you right now!”
Dammit!

I must admit, I've always thought of ScootaDash as a neutral ship but this made me shipping-squee.

definitely looking forward to more of this!

haven't read yet but the description has me curious..so I will read when I am more awake and alert.:twilightsheepish:

I am here from the future to inform all potential followers that they should stop being so damned potential! This is a epic in the making.

Gonna have to unleash my inner asshole for a second, so bear with me.

Before I start ranting let me say this- the concept seems solid, and the actual story seems to be heading in a nice direction. It's the formatting that bugs me here - and it bugs me BAD.

I have said it once and will say it a thousand times more until the end of all existence.

PARAGRAPH. SPACING.

The method you're using isn't wrong - when it's used in printed literature. Online, it's hard to read, cramped, hurts the flow of events, and turns off a lot of people (especially me). The generally acceptable method is to put one space between each paragraph. Dialogue can be tricky, but generally it's a stylistic choice. Dialogue can begin at the start of a paragraph and stay there, or be placed at the end, or it can be a paragraph of its own, depending on the context and how you want the scene to flow. Never have two different characters talking in one paragraph - always start a new one when the speaker switches. Generally, putting dialogue in the middle of a paragraph is a no-no, but I suppose it could work. Again, mostly up to you - just put the spaces in.

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