• Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Toraka


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If you were looking for alicorn Twilight, not here.

Through ancient rune magic, Twilight Sparkle drew together a spell that can transcend matter and exchange two ponies' racial traits. What could possibly go wrong when her beloved Rainbow Dash agrees to test it?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 26 )

Greetings, future people. If you're reading this, I stole your original comment. Also, we're, well, I am currently rebuilding this story. Be patient until it is done.

zel

>weather description

Perfect story starter. :ajbemused:

Hmmm... interesting question. I want to say Rainbow first mostly because Rainbow with magic sounds more entertaining than Twilight with wings (even if they did swap a little bit of personality too). :derpyderp2:
Either way you choose to go though it sounds as though it will be full of laughs.

I'd go with Rainbow. There's enough Twilight gets wings type stories out there already (alicorn Twilight is one of the largest groups for a reason) but I can't ever recall seeing a story where Rainbow Dash gets magic.

2113646 Hey, it worked for all the others too.
Now to change topic before people notice that I've literally been copypasting the same three openings over and over again...
Actually, it makes a lot of sense, literally speaking. That is, as in related to writing. Not to the letter.
See, you need to set the mood somewhere, and what better way to do so than right at the start, when you can also provide a feeling of zooming in to the action. So simultaneously, you're doing pacing.

2113703 2113828 It shall be as you say. If I get to writing it tomorrow. As in, today. As in, I'm in GMT + 1, in case you didn't know. Yes, it's 4 AM for me now, and I am about to go to sleep. But I had to finish Driver San Fr- I mean, tend to the fans.

Then again, there's usually another boost of views a bit after the fic is posted. Maybe wait out the votes of that one, although...
>Implying there'll be at least three comments to overvote those.
Yeah, not gonna happen. Even if, I live by the philosophy of "F:yay:ck you, I do what I want."

Did I mention that I consider this a worthy experiment? Decent (not great, but acceptable) amount of views, 5:0 ratio, some favorites... and no gained watchers. This is where you come in, sheeple. Then again, attracting attention for people to then sub after reading my other stuff (especially my novel reachable under www.fimfiction.net/story/34188/Splitting-amid-the-night) is probably more than can be genuinely asked from a 1.7k slapdown.


Oh yes, you probably don't know me yet. I may sound offensive or something here, but I do not mean to offend anyone. Just tossing that out there.

We're being invaded!!
By who?
CUPCAKES!!!

:rainbowlaugh:

cdn.derpiboo.ru/thumbs/1900/900/2013/01/31/03_47_32_71_229039__UNOPT__safe_rainbow_dash_artist_mcsadat_vomit.jpg.jpg

Sorry. I have to admit, while I only enjoyed writing this slightly, I feel that I have a bit of too much a knack for buckety stories. You may now let us collectively forget I ever wrote that and move on to things which I actually spent effort on. Hint: There's a link to it nearby.

I mean, it was fun, but ultimately little more than a cheesy oneshot with bad puns. And an original idea, I admit that. But, christ, I'm so pretentious an author already that I take a rune system from one of my fics and a small little OC from basically every other.

Also, it looks like I'm productive here. I have no idea where this came from either, sorry.

Also, Fiddlebottoms, you were wrong. Wrooooooooong!

Now let's get back to writing a novel, not going insane, and objectively reading Da Rules (of the christian church). Yeah, at least one of those things is not gonna happen. Prolly all three. I love agnosticism. And laziness. I can't tell which more. :yay:

2122912 is Rainbow puking rainbows? :rainbowhuh:

2122988 Maybe

No, I'd say that's me, in reaction to this fic. As preggo Twilight thought in Generic Fanfic #1B9571, what and whom the fuck did I do that this happened and is that really in me?

2123193 I do not write sweet fics. I don't like them. I try to make that fact as clear as possible.
I like to write fics with meaning. Such as this one.

Yet, I'm no writer. I experiment. The result of thought experiments, I write down and post. Results get carried into SatN. My life's work, so far at least.
Every story an experience. Every experiment another bit of knowledge imbued into perfecting Midnight. Through the endless patience of the earth, the truth shows itself. Through the shifts of water, we adapt to accomodate the change.

That or you may mean the fic, in which case, I just felt like going 110% with the sogginess. Fun fact: the intermezzo's contents were invented using a chicken-powered random generator.

2123395 I was saying wat about this

As preggo Twilight thought in Generic Fanfic #1B9571

2125362 Analogies. This is one of my harmless ones. Besides, everyone, including me impregnates Twilight.
Everyone.

If you want more generic analogies, I call Mattheus 7-13.

2125542 I don't impregnate Twi :ajbemused:

2125586 then I would say no I don't :ajbemused:

Your beginning would have been better had you simply omitted the first paragraph.

A beginning has to catch the reader's attention and set the story in motion. You open the story with a description of the weather, the seasons, and the habits of Luna and Celestia. This contributes to neither objective.

A story opening is a critical point where every word counts. Readers use it to decide if the rest is worth reading, and if you don't catch their attention right away, they'll find something else to read, and possibly leave a dislike before they go. The opening paragraph has to grab the readers attention, and description is a poor way of doing that.

Furthermore, description should always be used sparingly since it adds to your word count without moving the story forward.

2206486 Your wish is my command - debored the beginning.
I kind of disagree on description, while it is important to have action, I would say that it is equally so that the reader can exactly picture what you're trying to convey. Regardless, I'll read it over and slim it down where necessary.

Oh yes, assuming you come from where I think you come from, thanks and stuff.

2206555

I wasn't saying that your whole story has problems with too much description, just the opening, which needs to move more quickly than any other part. Glad you fixed it :twilightsmile:. A story only has problems with too much description when it's going too slowly, but I don't think this one has that problem.

Another thing I noticed was that your prose is kind of awkward. I don't think it's something to worry about at this point; just keep writing, and I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Or maybe it's something you can look for when you're editing.

2212280 I find it amusing to be told to keep writing when, in truth, I've probably been at it longer than any of those who say that. No offence, of course.
If possible, it'd be nice if you could provide more exact details about what is awkward. I admit, I'm not a native speaker and I like to write using the right way of spelling things (the one actually using s and u and all that fuzzy stuff). This is simply my way of speaking, I'm not trying to sound smarter than I am. Perhaps you mean that.

Well, 't'ain't nothing that can't be fixed with a lot of staring at text and occasionally changing letters.

2206555

Take the second sentence, for example.

Momentarily secluded from the Sun's light desperately trying to reach them, two mares were located in the Ponyvillian library, one sitting and one dashing between odds and ends, one winged and one with horn, one named Twilight Sparkle and one called Rainbow Dash.

First, "sun" should not be capitalized. Second, it's a run-on sentence. Why not just say "Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were in the library"?

And here you're trying to get one sentence to do too much:

"Ah, don't you worry," Twilight said in such a well-chosen tone that it actually functioned fairly soothing for the pegasus who landed back on the couch.

It should be split into two sentences.

Just try to avoid run-on sentences and sentences that try to do more than one thing.

2217174 Funny that you should mention it, as I see it, in proper proper English, THE sun actually is capitalised, but not if it's A sun. Then again, there's nothing wrong with not capping it, so changing that. And... I agree, that sentence is odd.
*Sigh* going through it on the hunt for such stuff.
The long sentence is, as you probably guessed, intended to be so stylistically. But I suppose I'll see what I can do about those.

2217174
- Spliced most run-on and overloaded sentences. Genuinely thank you for pointing that out. It's a bad habit that I likely picked up because I once was on the exact opposite of that scale. I think you'll agree that being there is significantly worse.
- Reduced LUS.
- Improved character voices and wordings. The intention is to bring across that they also switch out a bit of how they talk, but I found some passages were it was simply too much.

Hmm, I should write that promised bonus chapter of Twilight in the sky sometime... naaah.

- Ascendancy has been merged into A fun day. Seeing as the two are pretty much simultaneous, I only had them split due to the difference in when I wrote them.

Soon, we shall head out. All in time. We... are patient.

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