The reader 0_0
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I can imagine her screaming bloody murder at whoever saved her.
It seems good, but could use improvement. There are times when you forget to put the ending quotation marks where the dialogue stops, and there are a few run on sentences.
As for the story itself, I would suggest lengthening it and adding some back story. Instead of just saying what Twilight feels, point out why. I know pinpointing 'why' you love somepony can be hard, but it helps bring in a reality to the emotions she is feeling. Maybe add a backstory on how Rainbow died.
Other than that, great work, it is emotional and interesting. Very good, even with its flaws.
Oh god, a tragic TwiDash. I'll go get some tissues.
Love this so far
BTW it did not make cry
3046441 glad you like it
...... Please tell me it has a happy ending. I usually back away from the tragity tag but i HATE sad endings because they make me cry and dwell on it for ever.... I'm still crying about my little dashie and i read that 4 months ago..... On the other hoof i really want to read this despite the tragity and sad tag. I believe that happy ending should be earned not given... Please don't make me cry in the corner for a week. Happy writing!!!
Okay. Here we go. While the concept is actually pretty interesting, the writing and grammar could be better. For one thing, you seem to jump between first and third person. You should keep it consistent. I for one believe this story would be told better entirely in first person.
Second off, your capitalization is all over the place. Always capitalize proper nouns, such as Rainbow Dash and Twilight. You should also capitalize whenever you say I. And always capitalize at the start of a sentence. Also, when a character is yelling, having everything in caps can seem abrasive. Focus more on word choice and exclamation mark choice, and it'll seem a lot better.
Be sure to encase all dialogue in quotation marks. You seem to forget to end dialogue without quotation marks, and that's just wrong. You also forget certain words that would make sentences easier to read.
In the following sentence, I'll highlight the minor changes. You decide which one reads better.
Turns into:
I also added a comma before 'but.'
With the correct words, proper capitalization, and overall better grammar, this story can be miles better. You should also run it through a spell-check, which most browsers have. There are a few spelling errors throughout. And be sure to give it read through before posting it, just to make sure everything is in order. It's best to sit on a chapter for a couple days before going back and editing it, because just after you write it, your mind can gloss over mistakes.
I've edited a couple paragraphs with a few minor changes. I didn't change too much structure-wise.
Can turn into, with proper editing:
Honestly, I really do like certain aspects of the story so far, and I really want it to be better. That's why I'm doing this. And I also remember when I was starting out. I made a lot of mistakes. You actually seem to be trying with this. It's already better than Memories. If you want, I can be your editor. For this story, at the very least. If you decline, so be it. It's your choice. Good luck to you. If you accept, PM me with a chapter whenever you write it and we can get started.
I really do like the concept.
-Prof Yana.
....Thanks Obama!
I thought it would contain BEN..Oh,well
Like Prof Yana said: there's a lot of errors from grammar, punctuation, capitalization and the like. If you wanted me to I could do a read through and do some basic editing.
Overall, I'm liking this story not a whole lot happened other than Twilight almost died but was saved last second with having a spiritual visit from Rainbow.
3081556 Glad you liked it, and Yes I would love for you to do some editing
Plot twist!!
Heh heh heh. Evil bitches.
What THE FUCK
Umm... This isn't the same chapter he sent me to edit. This isn't even remotely similar... What happened to the chapter you sent me?
Very many errors, you should have someone proofread it first.