• Member Since 4th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen May 16th

treco89090


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When Rainbow Dash gets sick and can't fly home, she goes to see her friend Twilight.

That particular unicorn just so happened to be in love with the blue pegasus, and that blue pegasus happened to feel the same way, it just comes down to if they can get over their insecurity enough to let truth come out.

LINKS TO ART:

Cover
In-Story


This is my first attempt at a romance so if it needs improvement, I'm sorry, and tell me how to improve it.

EDIT: I have never learned how to properly write a book so I will be making revisions while it's posted.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 17 )

2071807

Okay thanks for telling me, I didn't know that.

Ok, very nice beginning story, but you need more description. It has pretty good content but, you should try to execute it in a better way. Again, this is a very good concept and a wonderful start. Good luck with future writings.
P.S. TwiDash is my favorite ship. :twilightsmile::heart::rainbowdetermined2:

I didn't find this story bad, but I can't find anything that makes it good either. It didn't try hard to be different from other Twidashes, plenty of scenes could have been added and/or fleshed out, most of the dialogue fell flat for me, and I highly doubt that Twilight would cuss, even in her brain. The last one is just a nitpick and I've seen plenty of other stories with a potty mouth Twilight. (I guess Celestia never believed in soap.) As for dialogue, I can point out grammar errors and how to fix them, and I can usually point out how to flesh out a scene, but I've never been very good at pointing out why I hated the dialogue.

The fact that you enjoyed writing it good, and I actually feel a teensy weensy bit bad about metaphorically shooting the plane down.Good luck to you and whatever typing device you used to make this, and I hope both of you create many better stories in the future. Rambling mind at this point, glad other people liked it, keep working your way up if you wish, yada, Yoda, Yotka, Yelyena, etc.

some errors in grammar, but a pretty decent story nonetheless, this site really needs a 'meh' button, like a thumb halfway up

2076225

yeah, I still don't have the whole "perfect grammar" thing down yet. :twilightblush:

The story itself was good, but the grammar and pacing wasn't.

2076767

I blame the Michigan Board of Education for not teaching me how to properly write stories, so I apologize about the grammar.

When Rainbow hugged Twilight there should be some detail about how the hug felt to Twi, how it stung when a Rainbow said "friend" and how she inperceptively hugged tighter when Dash said "friend". Use this as sort of a "show don't tell" sort of thing with her feelings.

I was afraid that this was going to be just a bad fic, but then I saw the art

Woah. Okay. Not a bad premise or story, but dude, pacing. Gotta slow down a little bit, take some time with the various events that happen. Those 4000 words should have been like 10000. Apart from that, the only issue I have is that it was really repetitive for the main body. It was just "I should tell her!" -> "No I can't I'm too scared" -> repeat for both of them for most of the story.

Next time around try to take a little while longer to develop their relationship, to show us why they have feelings for one another or how it started, to show that developing through the event in question (Dash staying over to get better) and to take some more time with individual events.

Not a bad start, keep at it!

2082601

Thank you for the advice, I haven't really learned how to pace stories among other things because apparently British plays are more important than proper grammar in the Michigan high school curriculum.

:twilightsheepish: Awkward.

2084476 It happens haha. No matter what though, you can only get better, right? :P

This was very well written! This is honestly one of the best stories I've read on here so far!

*after seeing the in-story art of Twi* Oh~ That's pretty!!!!! For some reason I can actually see Dash drawing, even if it really is just tricks to impress the 'Bolts. She seems like she could actually be a pretty good artist.

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