• Member Since 29th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 19th, 2013

Blue Thunder


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STOP! Read Best Friends Forever FIRST. Rainbow Dash loves her mare friend Twilight to death. But does she love her enough to reveal the secret shes been keeping
since she was a foal. A secret no pony knows, a secret Fluttershy almost guessed once. A secret that could end their friendship and put all of Equestria in danger. Will the element of loyalty reveal he secret and risk losing Twilights love, or will she try to keep it longer and risk losing that and more when they discover who, and what she is.
Sequel to Best Friends Forever, There isn't as much Twidash romance in this story.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 67 )

[youtube=gvdf5n-zI14]

Friend...

Don't put author's notes in the body of your story.

In fact, it's safer not to put them anywhere in there at all. Period.

1767818 Im getting a vibe that you want more?maybe?

1767803
[youtube=H6OtFKNDPUc]

1767830
moar or i eat your soul!

1767840
YES SIR RIGHT AWAY SIR. (Starts pounding on keyboard furiously)

I enjoy the idea, but you need to edit.

FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA USE GRAMMAR!

Seems interesting, but the only problem I had has already been pointed out. If you must put author's notes, put them at the end. But never in the middle.
Fav'd

I knew y'all would like this.

The way that you placed your notes throughout the story make it look like you took inspiration from My Immortal, the concept is overdone (although that alone isn't enough to hate on a story if you give it a proper spin on things) and finally, there are far too many typos to count. These are the reasons that I have decided to give your story a thumbs down. Honestly, get rid of the authors notes, and run the story through spell check a few times and this might have potential depending on what direction you intend to take the story, but as is, the story is almost unreadable.

(Re-reads previous post):twilightoops::facehoof: cant believe i said y'all

1767854 proof read sir proof read

1767863 My Immortal? never even heard of it. as for spell check i have to do whats left on my own as my spell check is retarded and can't spell worth a shit ether.

The masses have won. (Removes A/N)

All authors notes in the middle of the story have been removed. I shale now start on the second chapter. (Looks at time) HOLY **** I just realized ive written two stories in four hours.

I have not read this story yet, but just seing the cover photo i have to say... rainbowdash has magenta eyes, not green

1767903
:pinkiecrazy:XD Thats so funny seeing as if you read the story it explanes WHY her eyes are green. The cover art reflects the story inside.



whoops that seemed a little rude, sorry im a little tired after four hours of non stop writing. Plus ts 3:00 in the morning here.

1767874
Have you tried using the spellcheck program in google documents? In my experience it's crap compared to the one in Microsoft Word, but I'm seeing things in your story like you not putting two "p"s in the word stopped and not adding apostrophes to words like I'm and I'll. At that point even google's spellcheck should help you immensely.

On an somewhat unrelated note, My Immortal is somewhat hard for me to describe. Tvtropes probably has the best description of it here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanFic/MyImmortal

1767909 you are absolutly right, i shouldnt judge a book by its cover.

1767937
I wish to hear your reaction once you have read first chapter (WITHOUT SPOILERS PLEASE) I am working on second chapter as i write this post.

I should be thanking you for pointing out her eyes. As long as no spoilers are posted it should help anyone trying to judge this story by the posts feel that bit of curiosity as to WHY her eyes are green. (I Bet you'll never guess without reading)

1767954 now that ive read it... i like the idea. You need to work on the presentation, large blocks of txt isnt very inviting. And please new paragraph, indent. Its hard to tell who is talking. But all and all, i cant wait until chapter 2. :rainbowkiss: (p.s. were her eyes alwayse green in this story? Or just when she reveals the secret?)

1768009
her eyes are normal. Everything looks cannon until twili.... :pinkiegasp:OOOOO you almost made me spoil chapter two. But no the green eyes are only supposed to be a hint, along with the green sparkles surrounding only Rainbow Dash in the picture.

ALMOST FINISHED WITH CH.2. IS ANYONE EXCITED???

1767818>>1767832>>1767859>>1767903>>1768040
The second chapter is finished. Now working on epilogue.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

:pinkiegasp:
Yes. This.
This is amazing!

1768258 why thank you. I am a fast learner. I only aim to please.

1768258 The Epilogue is finished and published ENJOY.:pinkiehappy:

Soarindash ship.

Watched.

I have absolutely no information on soarin so i must research before writing so may be a little bit.

but have to say im going to be doing more twidash in the future. This was alot of fun to write.

(list of things to do)
1. make a sorta bad story about personal OC.
2.Make a Twidash ship.
3.make a story about somepony being a changeling.
4. make a Soarindash ship
5. Make a clopfic. JK:rainbowlaugh: as if i would ever do that.

A very good ending comrade. I thought your first chapter could have been but this one, its better than vodka and cola at midnight keep up the great work

Ever thought of doing gore stories? Twidash ones are actually some of the easiest to make. And there are so many possibilities, like; rainbow dash breaks twilights heart ( or visa versa), get driven insane and begins to torture the other. If you do this though, dont make it senseless, give it meaning. Perhaps make several and intertwine them and then make a big story which involves reasons ect (sort of like each marvel movie linked up to make the avengers) because if you dont give them meaning for something bigger you'll get more thumbs down than up but only by a few. I hope you do make a twidash gore fic because im looking forward for your take on it.

Ps a definite thumbs up from me :twilightsmile:

Ever thought of doing gore stories? Twidash ones are actually some of the easiest to make. And there are so many possibilities, like; rainbow dash breaks twilights heart ( or visa versa), get driven insane and begins to torture the other. If you do this though, dont make it senseless, give it meaning. Perhaps make several and intertwine them and then make a big story which involves reasons ect (sort of like each marvel movie linked up to make the avengers) because if you dont give them meaning for something bigger you'll get more thumbs down than up but only by a few. I hope you do make a twidash gore fic because im looking forward for your take on it.

Ps a definite thumbs up from me :twilightsmile:

Ill also follow you for updates on other stories of yours.

Ps if you do decide to do a gore fic, ask me anything you want to know or if you want a proof reader, editor or someone to give you ideas, just PM me

Pps sorry of all the post. Sorry:fluttercry:

Again...

Sequel to Best Friends Forever. Rainbow Dash loves her marefriend Twilight to death. But does she love her enough to reveal the secret she's been keeping since she was a foal? A secret no pony knows, a secret Fluttershy almost guessed once. A secret that could end their friendship and put all of Equestria in danger. Will the element of loyalty reveal her secret and risk losing Twilights love?
Or will she try to keep it longer and risk losing that and more when they discover who, and what, she is?

Just look at the things in Red.

~M3lancholy

Bit rushed but good story. Could do with extending. :twilightsmile:

Dear god... the edits.

First things first, this one was a lot worse than the former, you have a habit of switching persona's, I noticed three occasions where you turned into the second-person as Dash, then resumed business as third person. Around seven or eight continuity issues which I think I fixed, and a whole load of capitalisation/spelling/grammar issues.

Like others have said in this, find a spelling and grammar checker. And to reiterate my comment on the other story, go get a proofreader.

~M3lancholy

P.S: Why the multiple stories? It would have been much more sensible to keep this as a single story with a prologue as the first part.
P.P.S: Fix. Your. Damn. Tenses.

1768947
I am working on it. You people need to give me a chance, I would have had it fixed last night but I was running on 0 hours of sleep for two days. I'm lucky i got these stories out at all.

1769083
Then wait for goodness sakes.
Simply because it's not going to kill you to wait an extra day.

If that sounded cold-hearted then it's for the good of your health too.

While the idea of having one of the main six be a changling either from birth or just plain switched isn't a new idea your story came as a refreshingly different perspective. Having Rainbow Dash break the forth wall was interesting and a bit of a head turner through how that is normaly thought of as a Pinkie thing. It was rather distracting from the main story though. I agree with M3lancholy about how having multiple storys can get the reader mixed up and sometimes they won't even try reading the next one. People (like me) who have just read this one section as a single story (though it is probably their fault) will be confused by the utter lack of TwiDash in this fic. There just doesn't seem to be as much fluff as most fan fictions have. This however may be a blessing in disguise for those who dont like it when the shipping is thrown in their face. It is still a key part in the story. While your pacing is good it may be nice to smell the roses even more and explore how far Twilight and Rainbow Dash's affections go rather than to just have Twilight accept it almost instantly going "There in love darn it!" Maybe even look into the time when Fluttershy almost caught wind Rainbow's secret.
After reading you first story in this saga as well I saw that the two stories really do seem to act as multiple stories all you really get out of the first one is that Twilight and Rainbow Dash go into a relationship. In the second it adds how this apparently went well.
Overall this is pretty much an average story that is definately worth a read and a favorite. There are a few spelling mistakes that signal how you were probably in a rush when you typed it but nothing that distroys either of the stories for me. I would suggest that you reread your first story to catch some of these because they were far worse there. Hope this helped.:heart:
FLUTTERPIEROXS Battalion Member of the Impartial Investigation Ensemble

1768343 hey you.i what more awesome stories from you.please?and more twidash from you. please?

1769193 Hell yea. Not giving up on Twidash anytime soon. Spoiler for next Twidash story.ponyderivative.com/images/single/rainbow-dash/thumbs/rainbow-dash-cloud07_thumb.jpg

1769269 i'll be waiting my friend.

Pretty good, just a bit rushed.

BTW the Twidash story that is spoiled with the picture above is now out. It is titled Life Goes On.

This reminded me of rune factory 3 where your human/monster and you reveal your secret to who you love near the end.:pinkiehappy:

1769128 OK. WOW. When i read the bit about breaking the fourth wall i was all like what? Now that i know what it means, was it a pro or con of the story?

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