• Member Since 29th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 19th, 2013

Blue Thunder


T

This s a short story i wrote in about three hours. I am a huge fan or Twidash and i have been wanting to writ something like this for a while now. I left it at one chapter for now but if i get lots of good comments or requests to continue the story i will add another chapter. There will be a sequel titled Dash's Secret. It will be set a little while in the future, say about five months. I will not post any spoilers but i got my inspiration from the story Who We Are. If you have read this story please don't post spoilers. If you haven't read this story, don't worry i didn't copy the story. I tried to change as much as i could while still keeping the main idea.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 42 )

Feel free to leave a comment, positive or negative. Any feedback is good.

The first chapter of the sequel is being published as i write this. The sequel is titled Dash's secret.

Interesting read, dood. I gotta ask why you don't capitalize some of the "I" when a character descibes/talks about herself/thinks about herself, or when you spelled "tongue" as "tong"

Still a good read with a few hiccups I found that made me ask myself "what?", dood.

1767741 lol spell check made into tong, I will fix. I have a problem with holding the shift button for the I's. My last computer automatically capitalized the first word in a sentience and all the I's for me so i have a bad habit. What hiccups where there? I would like to try to streamline the story.

Hello there,

My name is Sparkle Writer. I am not the best writer in the whole world but, I have been in your position before and I know how it feels to be new and inexperienced. I am not here to ramble about my experiences. I am here to point a few things out. And I would love to give some feedback, because you my friend really need it. And it seems you are also not up to scratch with your spelling. (No offense.)

So where do I begin?

Firstly allow me to start with spelling. It has come to my attention that a lot of your I's aren't captalised where they should be in the description.

Secondly, The dialogue isn't that great but it isn't necessarily the most important part but a good dialogue does tend to help with the flow of the story.

Thirdly, You are showing but not enough especially when it comes to character interaction and facial expression. Instead of saying: Twilight blushed. You could say: Her cheeks went cherry red as the young colt pressed his lips against hers, giving her a lustful sensation. Her heart almost burst as he pulled away and their eyes met for one last time. I know isn't the best example but it gives you the idea anyway.

Lastly, Marketing. To attract attention and to make sure people take an interest in your story you should do the following:

1. Provide some good cover art relevant to the story.
2. Make sure the words in your description are spelled correctly.
3. Give a brief but informative description of your story.
4. Try and make the title some what original.

That is about all the advice I can provide you with but I might I suggest for more tips, advice and general guidance that you check out these groups:

The Writer's Group: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=50

Struggling Authors: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=394

Author Help: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=248

Writer's Assistance Group: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=601

They should be able to help with whatever you need. I am member of all this groups. So at least you know where to find me. If you need any further help please feel free to PM me.

And before I wrap this up, Welcome to FIMfiction.net!

Have some fanart.

th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/123/f/3/twidash_in_the_rain_by_nyuuchandiannepie-d4ydmwj.png

Your pal,

Sparkle Writer :twilightsmile:

The sequel has just been approved and the first chapter is available to read.:pinkiehappy:

1767831 I have always been bad at spelling and i have a bad habit of not capitalizing my I's because my last computer dd that automatically (sometimes i hate technology) Thanks for all the feedback, really helpful.

I am glad that I was helpful.

If you ever need an editor, I'll be willing to. I'm in the editors/proofreaders service but I can't find much work, I've resorted to asking people who seem like they need it. Not to be offensive, but you do need to brush up on your skills or hire someone dashingly handsome and relevantly intelligent, like me.
Just give me the OK and I'll start as soon as possible.

Errm.... If you don't want help though, I'll give you some advice. This story goes way too fast, and short stories don't go we'll in second person; try writing in first or third.

Now into the praise, it's good but not entirely original.
Thanks for writing and pm me if you're eager for an editor.
Chaio,

1768023
thanks for the offer, i mght just take you up on that. As to the originality of the story, your right. I totally ripped off.... cant remember name of story but it s a Flutterdash story. I just needed a launching point for the sequel.

It was a pretty cute one-shot. Loved it! :twilightsmile:

1768070
Ah but ts not over yet, Read the sequel, Dash's Secret.

This is a short story I wrote in about three hours. I am a huge fan or Twidash and I have been wanting to write something like this for a while now. I left it at one chapter for now but if i get lots of good comments or requests to continue the story I will add another chapter. There will be a sequel titled Dash's Secret. It will be set a little while in the future, say about five months. I will not post any spoilers but I got my inspiration from the story 'Who We Are'. If you have read this story please don't post spoilers. If you haven't read this story, don't worry I didn't copy the story. I tried to change as much as I could while still keeping the main idea.

Main thing, if you want people to have a good impression before reading the story, make sure the damn blurb is spelt right and properly edited too.
All capitalisation and spelling in Red.
And a bit of plausible improvement in Green.

The latter might need you to look at the original post (without BBCode enabled) to see what it is as the external link overrides the colour.

~M3lancholy

P.S: One last thing, if I read this, will I need to stop myself from murdering you due to bad grammar, spelling and capitalisation?
P.P.S: I have my answer. Expect person with baseball bat outside your door soon.

I accidently read the sequel first and this after:derpyderp2: I thought it was pretty good though it could have not have been as rushed as i believe it has been definitely thumbs up from me.

Ps the offer i made on the sequel still stands and i am ready to follow you to the pits of writer hell if i have to and to stay by your side of stories dont go so well. :facehoof:

Yeah...that was a bit weird.... (drifts into awkward silence...)

This

That is the edit for basic grammar, spelling and capitalisation. As well as some really whacked out tenses. You kept the whole story going in the present, which can be good if it sounds right and is in the dialogue... not like that. One more thing, invest in a proofreader from this group, it will be much easier and although you might find some of the more... shall we say odd, parts of the story questioned, it will help you to make the story realistic and get rid of around 500 grammatical errors. (Assumed US during the spell check)
Dear god, you really don't want to get me started on some of the plot holes and oddities in this, I really think neither person would survive.

If you have doubts for my motives, lets just say that it's for the good of the community.
~M3lancholy

1768049 aww, I guess someone beat me to it. Anyway, offer still stands as a whole. If you want I'll be your editor, for any new stories you write, or you can get this "M3lancholy" to ask someone from his apparently superior group.

Or you can ignore both of us, that's a good choice too.

1768915
This was a public health post. I am still debating whether or not I need to kill him for setting off OCD.
And it's simply relevant to his needs. You can of course ignore every and all posts you wish, but you will be told about bad grammar/continuation/OOC stuff, and that sort of thing is a very good reason why people have disliked this.
~M3lancholy

1768962 Your group wouldnt happen to have the same mission statement as TWE would it:rainbowdetermined2:

1769095
erm... wut?
I have absolutely no idea what TWE is, I was just recommending a group to look at.

1769104 lol TWE is a disbanded group. It was a joke. They were disbanded because most of their members insulted writers they didn't like.

1769115
I do not 'not like' you, I simply found that your writing was lacking and sought to correct that.
In no way, shape or form did I insinuate that I do not like you, just the bad style of writing in both this and the sequel.
And so I fixed it.

1768504 Awkward silence? Na, its goot to know there are people out there who got my back. :twilightsmile: Brohoof.

1769125
Thats why i said its a joke. I would never speak to another like that as that in itself is an insult. My personal motto IS love and tolerance.cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21719170.jpg

1768962 Errrm... your point would be clearer if you didn't use so many acronyms and referred to by name, who you were talking about. But I get it and its a noble sentiment, public health and all that.
But it did kinda feel a little insulting of BlueThunder's grammatical skills. Try not to be so harsh an you'll be the most loveable guy around, you fix their work up to a higher grade without chastising them and then they'll want to work with you again.

Oh and I am in that group so... Err.., thanks? I guess.
If you're with them I'd say its great to meet a fellow editor.
And I probably should have checked that out before I posted that comment. :twilightblush:
Sorry, by the way ( and this is a serious question) how is it pronounced? York-shire or Yorkshirr. - I honestly don't know how you think those ones are pronounced because well, I'm not verbally conversing with you. Basically, use your best interpreting skills and get to me later.
Thanks,

1771136
US - United States
ODC - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
OOC - Out Of Character
York-Shire
Shire as in the shire from the Hobbit

Hello fellow editor, and this is how I work things in an out-of-job situation in which I do of my own accord in my free time. I do things thoroughly and then say what the writer has done wrong very bluntly in the hope that it will have an effect, I might be nicer if people actually ask me to preread or I do things when I'm in a good mood.

~M3lancholy

1771239 Thank you, sorry for that seemingly pointless question. You seem polite, but being blunt can make you seem a bit rude. Sorry if I seemed rude too. Yea it's hard to find people who are actually looking for a proofreader. It gets annoying.

1771410
Attitude changes dependant on what mood I'm in and whether the story is good/bad/missing bits.

Anyway, attitude is in a better point now, I have posted more in-depth feedback in 'Life Goes On', hopefully that helps you more.
~M3lancholy

1771882 maybe ill ask you to proofread Stranded when it comes out, before i make it public.

this is cute, but try slowing down, its abit too fast paced for a romance.
and try working on character dialogue, rainbow sounded too similar to twilight, but the others were alright
and character can be hard to do in fics this short, so kudos

Short, but definitely sweet!

1820346 I saw this and was like "WO WHAT SEQUAL!?" because it said it in it's little description thing, scroleld up saw sequal "YES I CAN READ BOTH!" read this, about to read the sequal!

1771882 You will probably hate me for this but I have another ship out in the works. Only one chapter is done but I am taking this slow. I would like to have one chapter judged at a time so I can go back and fix it before movint on to the next. The title is Love Makes Me Derp. I have a few down votes but nobody has left a comment. I am getting 0 feedback.

1871742
Sanity, you only just returned to me...
Sanity, Please come baaaack!

Ok, if you want me to proofread it, send it to me over PM and stuff.

1871742He is a bigger fool then I thought.

1875289 crap. you are so annoying Midnight. Just ignore her and she will leave eventually.

1875289 i don't have any more written other then what I have already published. I will send the next chapters to you via Pm as soon as i have them written.

You can't ignore me forever...

The hell? Is this supposed to be a play? You've got "walks, sleeps, sits, looks..." etc. It's really weird.

I enjoyed this fic. I didn't like how it was written; it made me think it was a play or something. However, the story itself is very good.

3.5/5 moustaches.
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moust

1875554

That comment and your picture nearly made me cry! :fluttercry:

Ssssssqqqqquuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:rainbowkiss::twilightsmile:

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