• Member Since 22nd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen May 13th

Maple Sunrise


E

Here's my entry for the February Write Off! Written in the wee hours of the morning. I don't expect to win, but I hope that everypony enjoy's themselves :D

Story Prompt : The mane six go on a vacation.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

More, please? Also how is it no one has commented on this yet?

"pomf"
::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Spoken like a true author. I cracked up every time I saw that.

More please. I loved this one so mutch and not just becuse I love Rainbow Das x Twilight Sparkle shipfics or because the well made wingboners but for all the story. I love the idea of ponies are wearing swimsuits aftherall Raritymakes not just ball dresses. It was good you let us find out how the mane six ponies would looks like in swimsuit or how their swimsuits may looks like (what type or what color ect).

this is a very interesting concept, to be sure. However, you have a ways to go as a writer. realize that i only say what i'm about to say because i find your work promising and honestly think you could benefit from some advice.
the main problem i'm finding is your grammar. It gets pretty bad at some points and the over all fluidity of the story suffers greatly because of it.
Another issue is the descriptions you use. some are overdone or too lengthy, which can be terribly irritating to those reading. others are to short, and don't give much to work with in terms of a visual. When you go to describe a scene, you want to paint a picture for the reader, noting all the important details and using descriptive writing.
i would suggest finding an editor and revising this story, as i believe it has so much more potential than it's current quality. I still love the idea overall, but it does need help in it's execution. Getting some feedback could also do wonders for you as a writer and help you improve for future stories. Remember that i only say all this because i see so much potential in you, and believe that with some work, you could weave a truly gripping tale.:raritywink:

337232
:soon: also, I have no idea :twilightsheepish:

377590
Frequent wingboners are a must in some fics and I saw that it was somehow necessary in this fic. :ppshrug:

377886
Expanding the line. It's good for some parts of a fic:pinkiecrazy:

511757
Oh hey finally some advice :pinkiegasp: I'm gonna re-run through my fic, apply your advice and try my best to improve whenever i write a new fic. Thanks :pinkiehappy:

512481
Happy to hear it. Don't forget what i said about an editor though. A step by step second evaluation can be more helpful than you know.

512481 Good... Good...

Yo, i had an idea for an alternate title that i thought you might like, so hear me out.
the title you already have is good, but it's just a bit to self explanatory, especially when you see it in the twidash list; it just doesn't really stand out.
So how about this? "Memories of the Setting Sun". I think it sounds more interesting, and it fits, what with a major point happening during sunset.
The thought just entered my mind and I thought I would just run it by you, see what you thought.

516303
Though the title does seem tempting...
I would much prefer to stick to the original title. Just something normal among the crowd. I wouldn't want something standing out and then the story doesn't really go well :twilightoops:

519030
ah, i see you're point. Maybe when i have some more free time i'll edit the story a bit and send the edit to you, see what you think. I'm a pretty good writer, so i might be able to help mend the issues in the story, unless you don't want me to, that is. would that be okay with you?

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