An opportunity to learn about more of the history of magic has turned for the worse and Twilight is stuck in the middle of it all.
How will Rainbow Dash react when she has been tasked to save her crush from the unknown evil that inhabits these old ruins?
This story is my attempt at the National Pony Writing Month mentioned on EQD.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow this looks great! It has Rainbow Dash as main character to start! Didn't notice any writing problems that slowed the story, so I must say well done! It has sucked me in, and to end this chapter like that is just... just.... gah! I can't wait for the next chapter!
I just wonder if the other two rescue members will be someponies we know or not. Well this has the looks of something that will be quite the read! Liked, favored an watched! This is an interesting story I must say again. I look forward to what you through at us. Keep up the great work and have a great day! 
promising
Yeah, how does everypony know about the "secret" crush she has on Twilight, even though it's really obvious...
you have caught my interest... do not disappoint... update frequently please...
While this is good enough to earn a thumbs up, it's not quite enough to earn a fav from me.
This is because of various elements..
* Characterization problems, for example:
"Oh quiet you, it's kinda hard to get the right words in my mouth let alone get into the right situation to ask her about it. Luna knows I want to tell her but I don't want to cause problems if she doesn't like me back."
'Oh quiet you' is a rather.. Rarity sort of thing to say, and quite un-RD-like (not blunt enough).. I'd suggest something like 'Ah shut it' or 'Oh stop it'
(In comparison, what Spike said, and the rest of what RD said, were in-character.)
* run-on sentences or sentences that simply contain excessive detail, for example:
She cleared her mind with a noticeable shake of her head and secured the letter,
could be reduced to 'She shook off those thoughts and secured the letter,'
It's a good rule of thumb to keep your sentence structure simple. Using more sentences is typically much more readable than having a few complex ones.
* There are also a few sentences that seem like they won't make sense as they are. I suspect you have left out a word or two from them. For example this:
Celestia smiled at her student's antics as memories of years past have many instances like this where the curiosity of Twilight was so vocal that's on par with an avalanche in size and speed.
(that sentence is also lacking commas)
If I understand your intended meaning correctly, what you want is something like
"Celestia smiled at her student's antics. Her memories of years past held many instances like this, where the curiosity of Twilight was as vocal in size and speed as an avalanche."
Hope this helps
1050451
Thank you!!! I'll keep those in mind while I'm writing.
1051071>>1050234
I am writing as fast as I can.
1050233
Let's just say Rainbow Dash isn't that observant... I'm sorry if it wasn't exactly obvious, it just seemed like it to me.
1050183
Thanks
1049622
There is a reason for the OC tag...
Thank you
I died!
Interesting...
I shall keep a eye on this one. Thanks for the interesting beginning!
The person that finds the video game reference gets a muffin.
Plus I would love to find a more fitting cover image for this story. Send me a link if you find one that's good.
Thank you all for reading
So many names go through my head that could be referred by anything. I think there is some Metal Gear, or there could be Lorah Croft, hell, even Halo could come out of some things. But I'm sure I don't know what it is.
1110548>>1110569
Think Mass Effect...
Thanks guys.
1110694 Darn, well, I tried. (I've only played ME3, and haven't gotten that far)
Also, I can't say your welcome without giving a reason for your thanks
This story still pulls me along, no matter the length or any other factor that could change that. Always a fan of action/adventure. (And TwiDash)
Hmm, yeah, that works.
1110447
"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong." - Mordin Solus
Give me my muffin.
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/014/f/b/derpy_got_you_a_mail_and_a_muffin_by_ookami_95-d4mdab9.png
Nice work, check next chapter for more game refrences
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/014/f/b/derpy_got_you_a_mail_and_a_muffin_by_ookami_95-d4mdab9.png 1110936
Nice job, check next chapter for more refrences
First I was thinking "The Lost and Damned",
Then I was like, "Catsnake".
Then it was all "wtf am I thinking?"
Wait, what?
Anyway, Still intriguing.
Claim your muffin!
Or you can comment on anything that needs work, I'll gladly take that to.
1112068
Thank you
This is really good!
Can't wait to see how this plays out.
the first thing that comes to my mind would be the Chimera.
Wonder how close I am.
1115065
Nice job!! Enjoy your muffinth09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/228/7/8/mlp_resource__muffin_by_zutheskunk-d4co3wb.png
Good news everyone!
Find the videogame reference to claim your muffin. (Think Dead Space...)
I love this story so far cant wait to read more and its giving me alot of insperation and confidense in my own fan fics shipfics and whatever else i plan on writing whooooohooooo
Ok so for my first action fan fic i love it love the adventure suspense and the "unkown " of the thing it could be also being a huuuuuge fan of twidash it keeps me going better not dissapoint jk im accepting and novice at critisiim anyways if anyone feels up too it please read some of my fanfic i need comments and readers so i know im not killing the story ya bye
that was so freakin creepy
lets see...
what next?
Wow another story another cliffhanger yay more waiting anyways cant wait to find out what happens and i hope RD kicks that phycos but grrrrrr anyways check out my fanfic i need reviews or at least one possible fan anyways see ya
Lulwhat?
Well, seeing as there isn't a sad tag for this story, Twilight and Rainbow will survive and be together, but one may or may not be badly maimed.
1133539 I'm glad you enjoy the story.
1134880 Yes sir. Right away sir.
1149811
Thanks for the pick me up!
More will be coming soon
Stereotypical beginning of next chapter:
"Rainbow! No! Don't come any closer! We'll both blow up if you do!"
1149840
You can stop trying to guess.
Alright alright alright, Okay, alright, This, is really good and I'm having a great time reading it, if you need any pre-readers or editors let me know, I'll be happy to give it a look over.
1150086
This story almost complete but I got some other ideas for stories and I would love to have someone look them over before publishing. I can send you some ideas if you are ready.
Everybody is welcome to help me out and I'll do my best to help you in return.
Awesome chapter!
1150777
Thank you
Pretty good a bit fast for my tastes however, sorry. but i will judge this as fantastic and yes you could improve on it if you chose to however I think your improved writing skills would be better revealed on your next story once you finish this one. anyway glad I met ya bro, hope to see ya around more.
Edit: i probably would have made guestaments on what you would have done next in the story but you allready dropped the ball on that subject.
i'm guessing one chapter left?
the end is near, dont get yourself kill Arrow
Great new chapter. I've seen way too many fics where it turns out they both like each other, but I have to say the setting on this one puts a fresh perspective on it. If I may provide one criticism, it's at this line:
I'm not exactly a writer, but from all that I've read (proper publications or otherwise), I know that adding actions into the middle of sentences like that is a big nono, this isn't an IM conversation they're having. You need to put it out into words. It should look something like this:
Twilight sniffed, a small smile playing across her face. "Thanks Dash, that helped," she said as she tried to wipe away the tears.
I can't wait for more, this is certainly different to the usual TwiDash shipfics I read, and it's working out great.
1195871>>1198412
Thank you both
*activate sniper voice*
Brilliant, mate
*deactivate sniper voice*
No, really. This is awesome.
1198737
Thank you
1201793
No problem, you deserve it!
There's two, the second is probably unintentional. One is Micheal Altman (Altmane), head of the Church of Unitology, and two is Corporal Toombs (Toombs), from the Alliance.
Muffin, please?
1209596 You my friend get a salute and any flavor of muffin you want...
browse.deviantart.com/?order=9&q=Derpy+Hooves+muffin&offset=144#/d4co3wb
As long as its blueberry.
Cliffhanger.. Glad I'm reading this when you're already a few chapters in
" I just know it had to be me, somepony else might have gotten it wrong."
MORDIN!
I get the feeling you like cliffhangers...
1217329
Maybe...