Tension

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Applejack takes Rarity to visit her parents' grave.

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my T story for Pride Month 2022! it's still Pride Month somewhere!

thanks to EileenSaysHi for prereading!

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Botched Lobotomy

Botched Lobotomy #1 · Jul 1st, 2022 · 4 · ·

Awwwww, I love both of them.

I really enjoyed AJ's ruminations on her old self, a perfect mirror counterpart to Rarity's own thoughts. Mourning what might have been, while never regretting the way things are. All four of your LGBT fics this year feel like snippets of lives, but this, Greave, and Lovebirds especially feel like thematic siblings in this way.

a crispness in her eyelids.

Mmm, crispy

Fillyfoolish

Fillyfoolish #2 · Jul 2nd, 2022 · 3 · 1 ·

She was the first to admit that she wasn’t perfect at it, but Applejack liked to think that she was pretty good at knowing when Rarity was trying to hide the fact that she wasn’t comfortable. It was when she was at the point where her poise had given into tension . A certain tightness in the lips, a crispness in her eyelids. The way that her posture seemed just a shade more stiff than deliberate. Her ears rigid, as if they wanted to flick down but were being held up by sheer force of will.

What a way to start a fic. You lay on the romance thick, and what could be more Rarity than poise and tension? I am invested in this pair if this is the intimacy Applejack has.

“Oh, I know that, darling. But I can’t help but think of how Granny Smith did not seem quite too fond of the idea.”

Given the context of the fic -- and the stereotypes associated with farmers and older folk -- I worried Granny Smith would be painted as an antagonist here. But you knew that, didn't you?

“Yes, and it does.” Rarity turned to look behind them. “Even just where it is. Why, one wouldn’t be able to even know this part of your farm existed, unless one were on the very top of that hill. And it’s so quiet here, tucked away far from everything else.“

The canonical location best matching that description is the apple/pear trees sealing Applejack's parents' vows...

She then turned back to face what stood in front of them. Two slabs of stone, laid upright, their faces blank except for the designs carved into their centers. One, the outline of an apple; the other, that of a sealed jar.

...what a gut punch to see how almost right that was.

“Oh, no, you did not. Truth be told, I assumed you came out of the womb wearing that thing on your head, and it just grew with you.”

I fully accept this headcanon.

“Well, it hurt, but I lived, as you can see!” Applejack gestured to herself with a hoof. “I was cryin’ of course, and my dad ran up to me to hold me and rub the spot on my head I hit the tree with to make it feel better. And I was sayin’ sorry for bein’ so foolish, and I remember how soft his voice was tellin’ me it was okay. That I shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up, because it wouldn’t be long before Mac and I were old enough to help out, an’ that before we knew it, we’d be just as big and strong as he was—”

So much said, and so much unsaid. What a childhood, what a family. This sort of monologuing, it makes a mare want to reach into the paper, hug Applejack and never have to let go.

Rarity tittered. “I can imagine that so well. You always were just you, weren’t you, Applejack?”

Always just you. I love this expression, and I love the perspective on transition it implies. You're not leaving one you behind and becoming a new you. If you're transitioning for the right reasons and you're that kind of person, you're always just you. It's poetic. Thank you.

“Yeah I’m all right, Rares. I…” Applejack sighed. “It’s just easy to forget sometimes y’know?” She gripped the hat in her hooves. Her throat grew tight and strained. “That they wouldn’t even know I’m a mare.”

Oof. You can feel the tension, the hurt, the longing. You can imagine Bright Mac and Pear Butter staring down from the heavens with a smile at their baby girl all grown up. But that's just that: imagination. Maybe, had they lived longer, they wouldn't've accepted Applejack for the mare she is, and their memories would've been ruined. Maybe they would've supported her with open arms. The tragedy -- and the beauty -- of their premature deaths is the unknown... Their memories are untarnished by what could have been, to be filled in by the living with what should have been.

Maybe Applejack never thought so cynically. This Applejack, the snippet we see here with Rarity, she doesn't seem like she could picture anything but goodness from her parents. It makes me believe her, believe her hope, believe in who Bright Mac and Pear Butter would have turned out to be as they watched Applejack grow into who she is.

And maybe all this waffling is for naught, because there'd be no Applejack to accept. She was always just Applejack.

“I was happy as a colt, y’know? I wasn’t like you as a filly.“

This confession is rich. The stereotype of trans ponies -- accurate to my own experiences at least -- roots transition in dysphoria. Trans ponies, so is said, transition because of their agony living as the wrong gender, inhabiting a body of the wrong sex. That's true for some, maybe even most, but that's not true for all. There's something beautiful of Applejack -- the Element of Honesty -- living as her true self, not because it rights some deep wrong, but because it's simply the honest thing to do. She doesn't need to transition into a mare. She just is a mare, honest to goodness. Way to buck the trope in such a lovely way. Thank you.

...and way to give such a dramatic foil in Rarity.

“Oh, darling.” Rarity stroked her withers soothingly. “ Nofilly was like me as a filly.”

Oh, so terribly Rarity. Eloquent, reassuring, and just a tinge vain and backhanded. Scrumptious. Mwa.

“Yeah. I’m sure, too.” Applejack squeezed Rarity’s hoof, holding it tight. “It’s just… It’s just another thing, that’s different , y’know? Another thing they never got to know. Just like how Apple Bloom will always be a lil’ foal to them, never even havin’ learned to speak. And maybe that’s why I kept the same name, because…”

Ouch... We view Applejack as a clearly feminine name, but that's just the bias of canon, isn't it? So much hurt. But isn't it for the best? She was always just Applejack.

“I… I don’t know my grandparents. I know their names. I know they’re why my parents’ itineraries always include a stop in Whinnyapolis and a stop in Sire’s Hollow. I know that Sugar Fondant has an unfortunate love of bowling shirts. But that’s it. I never really thought about where I come from as something that mattered. I never really thought that it should .“

Smashing indictment of modern English-speaking Western culture. The triumph of the nuclear family over multigenerational households isn't something I've ever mourned, but maybe it should be.

“Oh, I should say, the ones who are the other way around.” Rarity lifted a manicured hoof in front of her as if examining it. “I was already reïnventing myself in so many ways, even as a young filly. I figured that the change would come naturally to me in time, and that I was only being smart in preparing for it. I even picked out a name. ‘Elusive’.” She looked back at Applejack. “Clever, isn’t it?”

Way to twist expectations... I came in expecting a trans mare Rarity. It's one of my favourite headcanons, it's popular, maybe even a little overdone. Heck, I've written a pile of it myself. But this... I don't know what to make of this. The irony is, the young Rarity's reasons for wanting transition remain elusive in this story. Was it purely of convenience, in a patriarchical Equestria? Was it for the extrinsic glamour, are trans ponies en vogue in this Equestria? Or the intrinsic glamour of making such a change and reinventing herself? (The last one has the most textual support, but it's a circular reason at best.)

Few ponies I know have longed for transition for any reason other than gender dysphoria, or like Applejack, gender euphoria. Rarity's motives are so foreign to my experience, and I long to know them better. Yet you couldn't focus on it too much, could you? Lest we upstage Applejack, the real star of the show.

...I still don't understand what's implied by the name "Elusive" though, where the cleverness is. Is that a pun on something I'm missing?

“I know, I know! I even knew back at the time that it was such an awful thing to think. After all, I saw the deep pain that came with such a pressing need. But for me, that just added to the romance of it all…”

See, this is what fascinates (and confuses) me. Where is the romance in transition? I don't see any, I don't think Applejack sees any, very few ponies (cis or trans) do. What "awful thing" did Rarity see in becoming a stallion that the rest of us folk are missing?

Perhaps this Rarity is nonbinary, androgynous, no more comfortable as a mare or as a stallion, and in the end -- cis by default. Hardly bona fide cis, though.

“You always were just you , weren’t you, Rares?”

I love this line so much. Calling back to the description of Applejack. They mean such different things. Applejack is so Applejack and Rarity is so Rarity. And yet the line works so well for both. It's an excellent thing to aspire to, I think. I'd like to always be so me. Wouldn't you like that too?

“I dunno. But I hope we will be.”

I've been giving this response a lot lately. It's honest, fitting for Applejack. Nobody really knows whether they'll be okay. Hope is all we have.

And she thought of that young colt being soothed by his father’s words, and wondered if the stallion he had looked forward to becoming was out there somewhere, living out the future he had dreamed of in some place that Applejack couldn’t reach. And she held onto that thought.

Such beauty. So foreign to me, to my experience. And yet, so real. So true. So Applejack.

Overall, on a standard letter grading scale, I give this fic a T+.

daOtterGuy

daOtterGuy #3 · Jul 4th, 2022 · 1 · ·

Howdy, hi~!

L'oeuf. This one hit hard. Love the play of emotions in this. It was extremely bittersweet and I feel so bad for AJ in this. I actually like the complicated feelings you touched on over the course of this fic, they were really poignant. Thank you for the read~!

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #4 · Jul 7th, 2022 · 2 · ·

Delightful capstone. Would that all conversations on the topic were so open and ended so positively.

Great stuff in every installment. Thank you for putting these together.

Ice Star

Ice Star #5 · Jul 25th, 2022 · 1 · ·

There are two really lovely looks at transitioning in retrospect here and I love how well both are integrated. Seriously the only crime is that these are too short. The horse drama potential is too great!

applejackofalltrades

applejackofalltrades #6 · Jul 31st, 2022 · 2 · ·

“Yeah I’m all right, Rares. I…” Applejack sighed. “It’s just easy to forget sometimes y’know?” She gripped the hat in her hooves. Her throat grew tight and strained. “That they wouldn’t even know I’m a mare.”

Bike I wish I could… tell you the noise and face I made in the back of my parents car on this lovely Sunday morning at 2am. I really don’t know what to say about this fic other than its everything. Just… yeah. Amazing. there’s some stuff here that were also things I had thought about for the transverse (the thing being AJs name, which I had wanted to have a scene about in an upcoming story sometime), so it’s nice to see we are on the same page.

Ugh the way you write emotional scenes is so good. Just dripping with feeling. Really great

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