Welcome to my page! Feel free to read my stories as I publish. All comments, critiques, criticisms, contempts, compliments, curiosities, and crossiants are welcome.
Trixie is plagued, somehow continuously unable to catch the train out of Canterlot. However, a shadowy figure offers her a way out. All she has to do is board whilst defying her rotten luck.
This story was finalized for "A Thousand Words Contest II".
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh Trixie. You goof
This was a fun read!
Also. Did you mean “train?”
11613503
Eep! Fixed!
And many thanks. I strive to serve enjoyment.
I think this story has potential, but the limitations of the context have made it a disservice. At first I thought you were going for a Shirley Jackson style kind of dark comedy/horror approach, but then you took another direction. I'd have been willing to follow you into it, but the character limit made itself clearer and clearer the more you went, forcing you into an accelerated pacing that deprived the story of impact or atmosphere. I think there is potential here, if I were you I'd rework this somehow to allow the scenes to breathe a little bit more, develop the jokes better, even establish the plot somewhat. This has potential, I think you ought to exploit it later on.
Did I miss something? What happened? Great story otherwise.
11613830
You didn't miss anything I wrote it for humor.
11613524
Excellent review, thank you. You are absolutely correct in that this story does have greater potential I should exploit. I realize now the opening does have a disjointedness to it. Such bait and switch can be comedic, but the balance is not achieved here.
I hate bad lack.
Okay, now I really want to know what Trixie did.
skill issue
not the best thing to call yourself in a negotiation!
oof, the Equestrian train company here is heartless!
teleportation is quite a feat! i am honestly proud of Trixie for pulling this off
hehe, Trixie L. she really does seem to have a train-specific curse on her!
This feels like a middle section of a larger story. It longs to include earlier attempts to catch the train, a better explanation for why Trixie’s ticket is invalid, reasons why she can’t just walk—the mare pulled a wagon across Equestria on hoof; she’s familiar with the concept—and whatever she did in the Crystal Empire. As is, it’s a bunch of sound and fury signifying little, divorced of any context that could make it more engaging. I’d love to see an expanded version, but as is, this didn’t work.