• Member Since 27th Aug, 2022
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Rewan Demontay

Welcome to my page! Feel free to read my stories as I publish. All comments, critiques, criticisms, contempts, compliments, curiosities, and crossiants are welcome.


It was a normal evening jog for Sunset. Until a suspicious, big black bag from Equestria flung out of the portal, that is. What does she do? Call in the experts, aka her girlfriend, to help dispose of it!

Written for (and in the nick of time, too) Bike's Personal Contests: SciSet Contest .

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 11 )

How is Sci-Twi an expert in all things Equestria?

Oh that was funny!

Where at is she an expert of Equestria? Did I unintentionally write something to that effect?
The sentence bit at the end is regular Twilight.

So, Sci-Twi is an expert on... dead body disposal? Oh Nelly...

Swiglty, however, she got it lit. Her boots thudded as she thudded to the driver’s side door.


Just as soon as she was going to chaste her girlfriend for being reckless,

Um, I have my doubts that word applies to these two, I think you mean chastise. Also, the "as soon as" doesn't really make sense here. Also also, there were several extraneous line gaps throughout.

Still, fairly fun story overall. One thing that stuck out to me were the short, choppy sentences at the start - not necessarily a problem on their own, but they feel like they should have been more for after the bag gets dumped, as they'd suit the adrenaline and panic of that situation.

... that would not have been my first reaction to being hit with a rank bag. But best girlfriend came to the rescue.

Comes with being a mad scientist. Disposing of dead bodies is a must. The same probably applies to Princess Twilight as well.

Dunno, I feel like calling the police and saying that I tripped over some dead mf would be an easier and safer solution, but I guess Sunset has a weird idea of a date. Maybe CSI would even find out the victim was Italian, considering the fact that he used to be spaghetti and now he's toast.
On a side note, Sunset doesn't quite have the right clothes for jogging, but then, she feels like she's not thinking with her head, if you catch my drift.

These two overthinkers are not the type of people to take the easy solution right away.

That's one of my weirder types; corrected to "Swiftly". Caught the other stuff too, thanks.
Regarding the short sentences, you are right some would've applied more to the end, but time was of the essence for me. I'm also working n incorporating more varied structure, such as both long and short sentences, to my writing, after reading a few writing books.

Well. That certainly could have gone worse. Also a lot better. And I imagine Spike's going to have a lot of explaining to do when Sunset writes to the princess about somepony using the portal for corpse disposal.

Great balance of thrills and laughs. Thank you for it and best of luck in the contest.

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