• Member Since 27th Aug, 2022
  • offline last seen Last Tuesday

Rewan Demontay


Welcome to my page! Feel free to read my stories as I publish. All comments, critiques, criticisms, contempts, compliments, curiosities, and crossiants are welcome.

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Source

It was a normal evening jog for Sunset. Until a suspicious, big black bag from Equestria flung out of the portal, that is. What does she do? Call in the experts, aka her girlfriend, to help dispose of it!

Written for (and in the nick of time, too) Bike's Personal Contests: SciSet Contest .

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

How is Sci-Twi an expert in all things Equestria?

Oh that was funny!

11697651
Where at is she an expert of Equestria? Did I unintentionally write something to that effect?
The sentence bit at the end is regular Twilight.

So, Sci-Twi is an expert on... dead body disposal? Oh Nelly...

Swiglty, however, she got it lit. Her boots thudded as she thudded to the driver’s side door.

Huh?

Just as soon as she was going to chaste her girlfriend for being reckless,

Um, I have my doubts that word applies to these two, I think you mean chastise. Also, the "as soon as" doesn't really make sense here. Also also, there were several extraneous line gaps throughout.

Still, fairly fun story overall. One thing that stuck out to me were the short, choppy sentences at the start - not necessarily a problem on their own, but they feel like they should have been more for after the bag gets dumped, as they'd suit the adrenaline and panic of that situation.

... that would not have been my first reaction to being hit with a rank bag. But best girlfriend came to the rescue.

11697877
Comes with being a mad scientist. Disposing of dead bodies is a must. The same probably applies to Princess Twilight as well.

Dunno, I feel like calling the police and saying that I tripped over some dead mf would be an easier and safer solution, but I guess Sunset has a weird idea of a date. Maybe CSI would even find out the victim was Italian, considering the fact that he used to be spaghetti and now he's toast.
On a side note, Sunset doesn't quite have the right clothes for jogging, but then, she feels like she's not thinking with her head, if you catch my drift.

11698956
These two overthinkers are not the type of people to take the easy solution right away.

11698227
That's one of my weirder types; corrected to "Swiftly". Caught the other stuff too, thanks.
Regarding the short sentences, you are right some would've applied more to the end, but time was of the essence for me. I'm also working n incorporating more varied structure, such as both long and short sentences, to my writing, after reading a few writing books.

Well. That certainly could have gone worse. Also a lot better. And I imagine Spike's going to have a lot of explaining to do when Sunset writes to the princess about somepony using the portal for corpse disposal.

Great balance of thrills and laughs. Thank you for it and best of luck in the contest.

Sci-Twi seems oddly knowledgeable about getting rid of bodies :twilightoops:

11698950
Obtaining Dead bodies too

This story’s got a fast pace and a madcap sensibility to it all that makes it a pretty easy read. Which it has to be, because the only way it works is if you don’t have enough time to really think about anything, and unfortunately I don’t think it fully succeeded in keeping my mind off of the “wait, why?” questions. It’s light and diverting, though it’s a bit too heavy on abruptly short sentences, and the ultimate explanation at the end feels more just weird than funny. Still, it’s a solid SciSet dynamic you’ve got here and thank you for the submission.

Waves of refreshment riddled her. It’d been a good, average day.

do love the texture of this paragraph. the “good, average” in the last sentence is great

She’d worked so hard to redeem herself. No way some random person in Equestria would frame her by accident!

that her first thoughts are of being framed is interesting!

“Fine, fine! We’ll do it quickly!” Twilight walked over and pulled the can door open. “But only because it’ll be hard to cuddle in jail!”

good motivation

However, all these thoughts melted as Twilight rebounded back to the open doors of the back of the van. She tossed herself onto Sunset, pressing her lips with passion. Sunset ceased all thoughts as they fell into an embrace. Lips met. Warmth exploded as wrapped arms around one another. The world melted away for a brief split in time. Everything revolved around her and her girlfriend. Her precious Twilight. Her savior. Her love.

aww, that’s nice!

“Spike!” a purple alicorn demanded, “Where the hay did you stash my massive bag of backup spaghetti? Sure, it’s rather solid, but it doesn’t taste ALL that bad!”

and a great punchline. so many implications about pony Twilight’s spaghetti habits, and i love all of them. thank you for writing!

11783237
Thankee for the belated holiday review. :raritystarry:
The ending gag had to involve pony Twilight, and I just stirred up a crack of randomness from inside me. Glad to see it works well!

The question still lingers; Why do they have a specific code for this exact situation?

11788856
Never underestimate the contingency planning of any version of Twilight.

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