"Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing." - Georges Danton
Sunset Shimmer is dead.
A piece of evidence points to one of the girls being the killer.
It's up to Rarity to figure out who.
Proofread by Undome Tinwe.
Written for the Sunset Shipping Contest: Endings.
"...a most engrossing mystery." - FanOfMostEverything
"Excellent character work with Rarity." - PresentPerfect
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The chemistry between the character was delightful, and you really sold their relationship with each other and with Sunset. The mystery plot had me tense and in suspense up until the end, and the ending was a nice bit of character exploration for each of them.
I really enjoyed this entry and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Hmm. Not all of this sat as well with me as I wanted it to. The polyamorous angle bugged me, just because I didn't feel like the story needed it--the girls could totally have gone on a group vacation if they weren't all sleeping with each other, so that side of things felt off to me. Not story-breaking, I'd say, just something that consistently pulled me out of the story as I was reading, and since it first popped up so early on, it was a bit of a struggle for me to get invested in the story. I'll admit that that's probably fairly subjective, though.
Fortunately, the murder mystery side of things, I thought was fairly solid. I had a pretty strong suspicion that it was Fluttershy who'd done the filthy deed, but the buildup to the reveal was legitimately quite tense to read anyway, and of course it gave me that neat "ha-ha, called it!" sort of reaction. And I liked how several different characters got to make personalized contributions, with Rarity identifying boots and Applejack talking about the tire tracks and stuff like that.
So, I dunno. I enjoyed a fair bit of this, but it didn't really feel like a shipping story to me.
Believe it or not, I think I could actually picture Fluttershy doing something like this, were she just a touch more mentally-unstable than she already is.
Framing it in polyamory was pretty great, frankly, and helps set this one apart.
Sunset, by the end, is kinda super duper murderable. Honestly after FS was done with her grievance, I realized that she had the best motive and also that she did in fact deserve restitution. Just... not that kind.
9832724
Awww thank you so much Mel. And thank you very much for proofing this for me, it's greatly appreciated.
9832764
I mean it not coming across as a shipfic was kind of nature of the beast for this contest. Though I am glad you did like the suspensefulness and build up towards the murderer's reveal.
9833608
Always the quiet ones.
9833947
I'm glad you enjoyed it Cyne, it's always a pleasure seeing your comments.
9834036
Can I ask how you come to this conclusion? I'm not outright disagreeing, just curious what the thinking there was.
9834093
I mean the contest is about a relationship ending. Shipfics are traditionally about happier relationships. I find that this contest is more toned to making drama fics than shipfics.
9834108
I don't think we agree on what constitutes a shipfic, then. I'd say some of the other entries this year have managed to be what I would call a shipfic, even working with the restriction of the relationship ending. If nothing else, I'd argue that if the relationship only ends because someone dies and it's literally impossible for it to keep going, that could still be a story about a happy relationship.
There were several moments that deserved an audio clip of the *Dun-Dun-DUUUN* dramatic sting, but my imagination will do. I was honestly surprised with the choice of murderer until the bad stories were shared. Not to many clichés, just enough to make me smile and I think the few clichés present serve the story well!
I'll be rooting for you to place, if even just as an honorable mention!
Good work mate.
I will note that Twilight is wearing an easy way to gather fingerprints. Trust me, glasses pick up the things like nobody's business. But the mystery is engrossing enough that I'm more than willing to put that aside. Onward!
Okay, yeah, ink will give much better prints.
In any case, as I said, a most engrossing mystery. Looking back, the process of elimination probably could've sussed out the culprit earlier, but I like watching the investigation in full. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
9850710
Thanks Fan, I hope the judges are as kind XD.
Interesting. I wonder if the mystery is Knox compliant or not?
It was Knox compliant.
Excellent character work with Rarity. :D
Damn, I thought for sure it had to be Twilight, but the confession made sense in the moment of the reveal.
Definitely not a happy ending! :B
This is an absolutely bizarre statement to make, at least for the first half. Women murderers are less common than men, but they also aren't often seen as threatening as male ones. Double standards and the semantics of that aside, this line feels even more like a sore spot in the story, especially with Rarity being someone who knows that the devil's in the details.
Everything about this crime - especially with the details that come together by the chapter's end - just scream how likely it is that the killer's gender is female based on how the crime is committed. The scene is bursting with details that commonly show up in the murder patterns of women more than men, including but not limited to: targeting a significant other/person close to the perpetrator, a lack of blunter force being used, and slaying the victim in a setting where they could be "gathered" instead of hunted. There's also how various familiar details - the pot, the shoes - make things difficult for Rarity just by being present, masking certain immediately useful details by having the familiar be present. All of this, again, is something closer to how women kill, when they kill, then it is to when/how men kill.
This story shows promise so far, and just like Rarity I can feel the suspense and want to piece together the clues with her. It certainly seems like you have a lot of unconventional ideas for entries when contests have the possibility of including Rarity, and I really like that. It's just that when a genre requires carefully constructed details, something that sticks out as sore or cliche like that can make me groan. As a girl of drama and a fan of crime and mystery, it feels like a lot of deduction in Rarity's inner voice could be spun from possessing knowledge like that, giving her an edge over how she can see the story of interpersonal drama and violence right in front of her.
Also, if it helps to have something other than my rambling comment about criminal psychology this and that, here's some really good information about different behavioral patterns in how men and women commit murder, who they tend to target, and how. It makes for a good read if that's something you're interested in, or if you just want to infuse your murder stories with some realistic edge. While they specifically refer to victims of serial killers and how serial killers tend to kill, I think there's enough in it that applies to general murders as well. So, uh, really long comment about murder facts over.
Somone might've moved it there when fetching their boots?
I'm not sure how you can pay for fabric illegally except if you were using some kind of dirty money. Is this perhaps Rarity's way of saying Sunset started rumors about Rarity being involved in crime (since Rarity doesn't seem to have a motive for tax evasion, I'm guessing it was something more slanderous like suggesting Rarity was involved in other fraud, prostitution, or selling something she wasn't supposed to? Something that would be especially dire for a high schooler to be accused of?) to pay for fabric? That's just my guess.
There's an extra quote mark there. Also, so far AJ and Flutters seem to have the strongest motives for anything. Though, AJ would have a common murder motive in general with this. It's also hard to believe Flutters would be willing to date Sunset after all this.
So, AJ's behavior here has some notable parts that stuck out and made me uneasy reading them. She's oddly helpful in a way that came across as... odd, to say the least. Her suggesting who could be the driver and their state of mind was one thing. It also seems more and more like she had a chance to be the killer, with her admitting to getting little sleep, possibly being able to steal Rainbow's boots, and being from a rural area. She also would've been among the most likely to be able to drive in a storm without any accident.
The idea of Fluttershy being willing to date someone she is eventually entirely willing to kill still stands out as a questionable character choice. The final line/action really stands out well as some subtle badassery from Rarity, and the conclusion and culprit are entirely believable. However, the chapter as a whole feels rushed compared to the others, especially when Fluttershy, who is prone to emotion and hesitance, just throws out why she did things with a villain-esque monologue that made up most of the chapter and was delivered with minimal interjection from the others. Applejack did make a nice distraction, though.
Probably to Rarity, too.That's... amazingly light for first-degree murder with evidence, a confession, and just... everything. The story was really strong up until the last two chapters (this being one of them, though not sure if epilogues count) and it used the prompt in a very creative way for the contest. I still feel like it suffered in some other areas, and it felt dragged down a bit. The start and investigation were strong and included plenty of chemistry and touching moments between the girls in some very dark hours, but the epilogue really sealed things badly. The forgiveness attempt delivered in the end is a crowning moment of a "wait what" character moment that turns the rest of the story on its head in a very unenjoyable way. It was like the characters forgot about the rest of the story and all that they had been through, and I was bummed that this was what a nice bit of mystery had drained into.
I also have to echo what some of what 9832764 was said here. The contest is still one centered around break-ups/endings (which you hit nicely) and romantic relationships. Getting to see Sunset polyamory not done as "omg bacon girl has wacky harem because she's so cool uwu" was refreshing and I enjoyed the serious look at it. However, the story felt too short to really explore that dynamic fully and left the romance parts feeling neglected. Even with Sunset being murdered, we still can see some of that left, and that's good. It's just not at the level to make this feel like a proper romance-type story entry in a romance-y contest (but it'd be really excellent under other prompts). A longer story would have eased this weakness and erased a lot of parts that could have been less believable, particularly Fluttershy's rushed confession.
The word count is not proportional to trying to float both the plots and the amount of girlfriends each of the characters has. While polyamory between most of the girls is entirely believable and easily sold with your writing, extending the relationship to all seven of them (in this particular story) breaks my suspension of disbelief. Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, and Sunset all had an undeniably evident girlfriend dynamic, and if the story had just them in a relationship it would've been ship-shape.
haha whoops punRainbow Dash and Pinkie felt more like satellite presences in the relationship and both the story and myself, as the reader, couldn't come up with an answer to why they were dating Sunset or where that dynamic was. Fluttershy being in the relationship makes less sense as the story goes on.I liked it, but I think it could've been stronger.
I'll be honest, I really thought it was going to turn out to be a live action clue roleplay sort of thing.
Wow. Great job, Garatheauthor. The writing for this story is really good, and flows exceptionally well! This kinda plotline isn’t really my cup of tea (and all of them being in relationships with one another kinda threw me for a loop, was not expecting that) I’ll be checking out a little early. But for anyone who does enjoy a good murder mystery, this is nice one.
I enjoyed it! But poor Sunset! And Fluttershy?! Who’d have thought?